Am I Autistic?!

[DavyBoyAB]

My name is Davy, I’m 25 years old. For most of my life, I avoided doctors because, in my home country, there was a practice of forced treatment. I’ve been through many traumatic events, some of which are too politically incorrect to even mention. I’ll just say that the last of them, though not the worst, led to me becoming a refugee in France.

You’d think that now, in a place where I believed I could finally get help, things would be easier. But I’ve faced a different problem — I can’t ask for help, and I can’t communicate with people properly. Any social interaction sends me into a state of panic. If I’m with a trusted friend, I feel somewhat comfortable, but with others, it’s extremely difficult.

At my first visit to a psychiatrist, I was shaking with fear. At subsequent visits, I could barely say anything. I’m currently being treated for PTSD and depression, but I’m not sure these are the right diagnoses or treatments. It doesn’t help me, and I can’t be honest with the doctors. It feels like there are a million helping hands reaching out to me, but I can’t let myself take a single one of them. That makes me feel vulnerable, and feeling dependent on someone is the thing I fear the most.

I don’t know what my future holds, and I can’t enjoy the present. Change scares me, and I don’t want anything. My only desire is to curl up under a blanket and stay there. Living feels uncomfortable, and I constantly feel pressure from all sides, even from those who are supposed to be helping me.

Right now, I live in a state of complete apathy. My apartment is messy, in the most literal sense. I can’t even take out the trash because it needs to be sorted correctly, and I’m afraid of doing it wrong. Going to the store is a huge source of stress for me because I’m terrified that something might go wrong. I never take my own bag to the store and always buy a new one because I’m afraid someone might accuse me of stealing it.

I also have another trait that makes me feel ashamed — my unusual interests. For example, ABDL. I can’t get rid of it, and it only adds to my sense of isolation and misunderstanding from others.

On top of that, I get extremely anxious when I need to be somewhere on time. I often arrive hours early because of my anxiety about timing and the possibility of being late.

Finding a job is also impossible for me. I lose the ability to speak during interviews and freeze completely. I used to work as a programmer, having been hired through a friend, and I worked remotely. But when the company started expanding and socialization was required, I couldn’t handle it and left.

All my life, I’ve noticed that my perception of the world is somehow different. Either I’m missing something that others can see, or I see something that they don’t. Recently, my queer friends suggested that I might be autistic. I took some tests online, and the results seemed to confirm it, especially in the area of social difficulties.

I would really like to talk to someone who understands this topic to figure out what’s going on with me. I need to understand myself so I can approach my psychiatrist with confidence and at least some understanding of what’s happening.

Thank you for reading.

 

[Jumpinbare]

You could be, but we wouldn't know that for you. I hope you are able to find someone you can trust for help

 

[daniegirl6224]

My name is Davy, I’m 25 years old. For most of my life, I avoided doctors because, in my home country, there was a practice of forced treatment. I’ve been through many traumatic events, some of which are too politically incorrect to even mention. I’ll just say that the last of them, though not the worst, led to me becoming a refugee in France.

You’d think that now, in a place where I believed I could finally get help, things would be easier. But I’ve faced a different problem — I can’t ask for help, and I can’t communicate with people properly. Any social interaction sends me into a state of panic. If I’m with a trusted friend, I feel somewhat comfortable, but with others, it’s extremely difficult.

At my first visit to a psychiatrist, I was shaking with fear. At subsequent visits, I could barely say anything. I’m currently being treated for PTSD and depression, but I’m not sure these are the right diagnoses or treatments. It doesn’t help me, and I can’t be honest with the doctors. It feels like there are a million helping hands reaching out to me, but I can’t let myself take a single one of them. That makes me feel vulnerable, and feeling dependent on someone is the thing I fear the most.

I don’t know what my future holds, and I can’t enjoy the present. Change scares me, and I don’t want anything. My only desire is to curl up under a blanket and stay there. Living feels uncomfortable, and I constantly feel pressure from all sides, even from those who are supposed to be helping me.

Right now, I live in a state of complete apathy. My apartment is messy, in the most literal sense. I can’t even take out the trash because it needs to be sorted correctly, and I’m afraid of doing it wrong. Going to the store is a huge source of stress for me because I’m terrified that something might go wrong. I never take my own bag to the store and always buy a new one because I’m afraid someone might accuse me of stealing it.

I also have another trait that makes me feel ashamed — my unusual interests. For example, ABDL. I can’t get rid of it, and it only adds to my sense of isolation and misunderstanding from others.

On top of that, I get extremely anxious when I need to be somewhere on time. I often arrive hours early because of my anxiety about timing and the possibility of being late.

Finding a job is also impossible for me. I lose the ability to speak during interviews and freeze completely. I used to work as a programmer, having been hired through a friend, and I worked remotely. But when the company started expanding and socialization was required, I couldn’t handle it and left.

All my life, I’ve noticed that my perception of the world is somehow different. Either I’m missing something that others can see, or I see something that they don’t. Recently, my queer friends suggested that I might be autistic. I took some tests online, and the results seemed to confirm it, especially in the area of social difficulties.

I would really like to talk to someone who understands this topic to figure out what’s going on with me. I need to understand myself so I can approach my psychiatrist with confidence and at least some understanding of what’s happening.

Thank you for reading.

Welcome sorry you are struggling so much. I always have to write notes that I need to talk with my doctors about, otherwise I freeze/forget what I need to say. Might be worth trying. Best of luck to you. This is a good place, I hope it helps

 

[Xinyta]

My name is Davy, I’m 25 years old. For most of my life, I avoided doctors because, in my home country, there was a practice of forced treatment. I’ve been through many traumatic events, some of which are too politically incorrect to even mention. I’ll just say that the last of them, though not the worst, led to me becoming a refugee in France.

You’d think that now, in a place where I believed I could finally get help, things would be easier. But I’ve faced a different problem — I can’t ask for help, and I can’t communicate with people properly. Any social interaction sends me into a state of panic. If I’m with a trusted friend, I feel somewhat comfortable, but with others, it’s extremely difficult.

At my first visit to a psychiatrist, I was shaking with fear. At subsequent visits, I could barely say anything. I’m currently being treated for PTSD and depression, but I’m not sure these are the right diagnoses or treatments. It doesn’t help me, and I can’t be honest with the doctors. It feels like there are a million helping hands reaching out to me, but I can’t let myself take a single one of them. That makes me feel vulnerable, and feeling dependent on someone is the thing I fear the most.

I don’t know what my future holds, and I can’t enjoy the present. Change scares me, and I don’t want anything. My only desire is to curl up under a blanket and stay there. Living feels uncomfortable, and I constantly feel pressure from all sides, even from those who are supposed to be helping me.

Right now, I live in a state of complete apathy. My apartment is messy, in the most literal sense. I can’t even take out the trash because it needs to be sorted correctly, and I’m afraid of doing it wrong. Going to the store is a huge source of stress for me because I’m terrified that something might go wrong. I never take my own bag to the store and always buy a new one because I’m afraid someone might accuse me of stealing it.

I also have another trait that makes me feel ashamed — my unusual interests. For example, ABDL. I can’t get rid of it, and it only adds to my sense of isolation and misunderstanding from others.

On top of that, I get extremely anxious when I need to be somewhere on time. I often arrive hours early because of my anxiety about timing and the possibility of being late.

Finding a job is also impossible for me. I lose the ability to speak during interviews and freeze completely. I used to work as a programmer, having been hired through a friend, and I worked remotely. But when the company started expanding and socialization was required, I couldn’t handle it and left.

All my life, I’ve noticed that my perception of the world is somehow different. Either I’m missing something that others can see, or I see something that they don’t. Recently, my queer friends suggested that I might be autistic. I took some tests online, and the results seemed to confirm it, especially in the area of social difficulties.

I would really like to talk to someone who understands this topic to figure out what’s going on with me. I need to understand myself so I can approach my psychiatrist with confidence and at least some understanding of what’s happening.

Thank you for reading.

This sounds like a mix of ASD(Autism Spectrum Disorder), CPTSD(Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), and maybe GAD(Generalized Anxiety Disorder). At least, from what it sounds like to me.

I'd definitely suggest getting checked to see if you have GAD, or another anxiety disorder.

I know what it's like to be afraid to ask questions. To try and communicate with people you don't know. Especially when you have unending stress and anxiety pent up in you. Just the thought of your every step and action could be judged by someone. It brings a bitterness and hatred towards people around you, and to yourself. Only wanting to hide in your own world.

I personally took to gaming and the internet to drown out the noise caused by anxiety, for most of my life. But it never resolved the issue, just prolonged it. If not made worse.

I am taking medication for GAD. And it's helped with the overwhelming anxiety.

 

[Rodafina]

Hello and welcome, @DavyBoyAB.

None of us will be able to tell you if you are autistic. But, if you choose to stick around and read the threads here, you may find that you can relate to many of the experiences people share here. A realization of being autistic often starts with a process of self discovery, learning about masking, and hearing about relatable experiences from an autistic community.

I hope you enjoy the forum. Let us know if you have questions about how the site works.

 

[Crossbreed]

Hello & welcome.

Am I Autistic?!

See if France has a national autism society. They might be able to connect you with people who can help and understand you.

 

[Alexej]

HI @DavyBoyAB
Welcome to the Forums. Do hang around here a while, get to know us a bit, read the posts and join in conversation and you might get more sense of what autism might look like. It all different, for all of us, and our experience is different.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Welcome @DavyBoyAB,

With regards to what @Xinyta said, I agree. Having said that, I would also take @daniegirl6224's advice and start writing all of this down. Why? Because if you take @Crossbreed's advice and actually get to a point where you are sitting down with a psychologist, your anxiety might not allow you to have a clear enough mind that you will be able to articulate accurately what you're going through. It might not be a productive appointment if the psychologist is guessing and trying to grasp your situation as you're struggling to get your thoughts out. I have found that creating an itemized list of all your symptoms, your thoughts, etc. If you keep it itemized and concise, then it will be easier for the psychologist to review, as opposed to some long, drawn-out narrative. If you have access to a computer where you can create a file, then add a little one day, a little more another day, you can create quite a list. I did this and it was quite helpful. I didn't expect the psychologist to read the 170+ things during my appointment, but it was more for her to review afterward. I created 2 copies, one for me to keep my thoughts organized during the appointment, the other was for the psychologist to follow along.

Good luck on your journey.

 

[DavyBoyAB]

I know what it's like to be afraid to ask questions. To try and communicate with people you don't know. Especially when you have unending stress and anxiety pent up in you. Just the thought of your every step and action could be judged by someone. It brings a bitterness and hatred towards people around you, and to yourself. Only wanting to hide in your own world.

I feel myself like a burden that not deserves to receive help, I feel a lot of guilt when I'm even thinking about past, but the past is the reason I feel that way.

I always have to write notes that I need to talk with my doctors about, otherwise I freeze/forget what I need to say.

I tried this trick with a psychologist but notes converted into a real book, she had read this, and then we had nothing to talk about, and I felt very uncomfortable to visit her again as in text there I opened to much of mine... I can't do the same at psychiatrist as she doesn't even want to read from screen and don't want to share any contact which through I'd be able to describe, but she wants me to say it directly and I'm unable and I feel that she hate me for real.

I know that many of my thing could be related to social anxiety disorder, because lots of the things I have is relative to it: fear of eye contact, fear to sleep in one room with a stranger, fear to eat on a public, fear to to use public toilets, public showers and being naked on public (whole my childhood I avoided school sport activity for the reason), fear to talk with strangers, fear to answer a call from unknown number, fear of taking a parcel from post office, fear to talk about my problems and myself, fear of verbal communication, fear of visits, fear of participation in social activity or events. I can't even reply to Hello! =/

Lots of my fears are irrational, I can't figure out why I'm avoiding it, but I will avoid it at all costs and can only pass through where it is very necessary for my survival.

And I am unable to cope with it, I lost lots of best events of my life by just avoiding them because of stress. I regret for it but I am unable to bypass my own borders which limits me.

And also even living in a country of freedom I cannot use it freely, I can only be myself at home alone, or with very trusted friends, but I shall hide myself whenever I go somewhere.

 

[DavyBoyAB]

See if France has a national autism society. They might be able to connect you with people who can help and understand you.

I'm too shy and to uncomfortable to speak to people and I'm still learning french so I can only describe my things using translator and its really embarassing to me to request help from someone, I feel like I became a burden and I know I am a burden is. I am afraid that I will never fit in somebody's expectation that I will become a normal person, and I feel that by requesting someone's help is just a waste of somebody's time and strength, I suffer from living that way receiving a help for me is like an investment from somebody in me, but the investment will probably never payoff and I feel guilt of it.

 

[Xinyta]

I feel myself like a burden that not deserves to receive help, I feel a lot of guilt when I'm even thinking about past, but the past is the reason I feel that way.

I get this. I felt like that myself for some time. Feeling unworthy to ask for help. That all I'll get is screaming, yelling, and beratement/name calling.

I still struggle to speak in some ways, and I struggle to ask questions about much of anything.

I know that many of my thing could be related to social anxiety disorder, because lots of the things I have is relative to it: fear of eye contact, fear to sleep in one room with a stranger, fear to eat on a public, fear to to use public toilets, public showers and being naked on public (whole my childhood I avoided school sport activity for the reason), fear to talk with strangers, fear to answer a call from unknown number, fear of taking a parcel from post office, fear to talk about my problems and myself, fear of verbal communication, fear of visits, fear of participation in social activity or events. I can't even reply to Hello! =/

Lots of my fears are irrational, I can't figure out why I'm avoiding it, but I will avoid it at all costs and can only pass through where it is very necessary for my survival.

And I am unable to cope with it, I lost lots of best events of my life by just avoiding them because of stress. I regret for it but I am unable to bypass my own borders which limits me.

And also even living in a country of freedom I cannot use it freely, I can only be myself at home alone, or with very trusted friends, but I shall hide myself whenever I go somewhere.

This sounds largely like a anxiety disorder. Either GAD or maybe Agoraphobia. Though I do see some autistic traits in there too. Likely exacerbated by your anxiety.

I relate to the issue with public toilets. I dislike a large number of people being present, as it makes it hard for me to do my business. The presence of other people overrides my want to use the toliet/urinal. Like my body just ends up locking up.

I have issues talking about myself in regards to what's wrong. I also tend to avoid topics of personal interests or activities with people I don't know or, through my psychosis, deem a authoritative adult figure.

I still would suggest getting checked for a anxiety disorder and get medical help for it.

 

[Outsider]

Welcome to the Forum! I hope you'll find friends here.

If you suspect that you're autistic seek a medical evaluation. Online tests are not reliable, and my advice is not to use them. It might be as well that you have a condition other than autism. Only a professional can properly diagnose you.

 

[DavyBoyAB]

Welcome to the Forum! I hope you'll find friends here.

If you suspect that you're autistic seek a medical evaluation. Online tests are not reliable, and my advice is not to use them. It might be as well that you have a condition other than autism. Only a professional can properly diagnose you.

I feel that my psychiatrist hates me and my medication make me feel physically worse than I was when it gives nothing in mental state. I know how psychiatrists are angry about autism and related things, because of hyperdiagnosis and they usually don''t take you serious, having multiple rendezvous with those who are likely just overreading internet. And before even try to ask what is happening to me I need to be sure for myself that it is what I experience.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I feel that my psychiatrist hates me and my medication make me feel physically worse than I was when it gives nothing in mental state. I know how psychiatrists are angry about autism and related things, because of hyperdiagnosis and they usually don''t take you serious, having multiple rendezvous with those who are likely just overreading internet. And before even try to ask what is happening to me I need to be sure for myself that it is what I experience.

Did he/she attempt the SSRI regimen with you? It works on the serotonin 1A receptors (inhibitory). What many autistics may benefit from are serotonin 2A (excitatory) receptor agonists. It's the 2A receptors that need to be activated before the 1A receptors. The PSILAUT study will be looking at this.

What many of these mental health practitioners are not aware of is that many autism variants are associated with a genetically low serotonin 2A receptor count and the serotonin transport system and binding is genetically impaired. This, is as a result of elevated serotonin exposure during pregnancy. Furthermore, dopamine production, a neurotransmitter further downstream from serotonin, also has genetically altered turnover. There are at least 3 known genetic alterations in dopamine turnover that have been discovered in autistic individuals. It's the underlying reason for the feelings of depression and why many of us are constantly seeking a "dopamine hit" from winning games, points, "likes", and general approval of others. Our brains are craving it.

One way to confirm this would be to actually due a serum serotonin level. If it is elevated, it is often a sign of autism, as serotonin production is not the issue, but when it cannot bind with enough of the receptors (inadequate receptor sites, altered transport and binding proteins) then it just sits there in the blood with nowhere to go.

 

[Good boy]

Hi @DavyBoyAB
As an AB/DL myself, I know all the challenges and misunderstandings that exist. I've always found myself different from everyone else, with my own needs, expressions, and everything else. I've heard of many AB/DLs who also have autism, as I do.

I can only tell you what has helped me, and I hope you find what works for you too. A psychologist explained to me that the reason autistic people are AB/DLs is because of the sensations and the security it provides. It feels good when they are wearing it, and they can use it whenever they want, along with all the associated sensations.

Right now, I'm in trauma therapy, and I'm learning how to deal with my emotions, process sensations, and find security within myself, not just in diapers and other related items. As my therapist guides me, I am still using them daily. However, I'm becoming much calmer, and I'm realizing there are many aspects of it that I don't need as much anymore, and some things that I've almost forgotten I used to be so addicted to.

I know it's challenging to find the right path. I hope you find yours soon.

 

[grommet]

My name is Davy, I’m 25 years old. For most of my life, I avoided doctors because, in my home country, there was a practice of forced treatment. I’ve been through many traumatic events, some of which are too politically incorrect to even mention. I’ll just say that the last of them, though not the worst, led to me becoming a refugee in France.

You’d think that now, in a place where I believed I could finally get help, things would be easier. But I’ve faced a different problem — I can’t ask for help, and I can’t communicate with people properly. Any social interaction sends me into a state of panic. If I’m with a trusted friend, I feel somewhat comfortable, but with others, it’s extremely difficult.

At my first visit to a psychiatrist, I was shaking with fear. At subsequent visits, I could barely say anything. I’m currently being treated for PTSD and depression, but I’m not sure these are the right diagnoses or treatments. It doesn’t help me, and I can’t be honest with the doctors. It feels like there are a million helping hands reaching out to me, but I can’t let myself take a single one of them. That makes me feel vulnerable, and feeling dependent on someone is the thing I fear the most.

I don’t know what my future holds, and I can’t enjoy the present. Change scares me, and I don’t want anything. My only desire is to curl up under a blanket and stay there. Living feels uncomfortable, and I constantly feel pressure from all sides, even from those who are supposed to be helping me.

Right now, I live in a state of complete apathy. My apartment is messy, in the most literal sense. I can’t even take out the trash because it needs to be sorted correctly, and I’m afraid of doing it wrong. Going to the store is a huge source of stress for me because I’m terrified that something might go wrong. I never take my own bag to the store and always buy a new one because I’m afraid someone might accuse me of stealing it.

I also have another trait that makes me feel ashamed — my unusual interests. For example, ABDL. I can’t get rid of it, and it only adds to my sense of isolation and misunderstanding from others.

On top of that, I get extremely anxious when I need to be somewhere on time. I often arrive hours early because of my anxiety about timing and the possibility of being late.

Finding a job is also impossible for me. I lose the ability to speak during interviews and freeze completely. I used to work as a programmer, having been hired through a friend, and I worked remotely. But when the company started expanding and socialization was required, I couldn’t handle it and left.

All my life, I’ve noticed that my perception of the world is somehow different. Either I’m missing something that others can see, or I see something that they don’t. Recently, my queer friends suggested that I might be autistic. I took some tests online, and the results seemed to confirm it, especially in the area of social difficulties.

I would really like to talk to someone who understands this topic to figure out what’s going on with me. I need to understand myself so I can approach my psychiatrist with confidence and at least some understanding of what’s happening.

Thank you for reading.

When you talk it is like you are describing me. I think there are a lot people like you and you could meet some here.

 

[Outsider]

I feel that my psychiatrist hates me and my medication make me feel physically worse than I was when it gives nothing in mental state. I know how psychiatrists are angry about autism and related things, because of hyperdiagnosis and they usually don''t take you serious, having multiple rendezvous with those who are likely just overreading internet. And before even try to ask what is happening to me I need to be sure for myself that it is what I experience.

Apparently, your psychiatrist doesn't meet your needs. Can you obtain a second opinion?

 

[Cutesie]

People may not be happy with me saying so, but I'd highly recommend joining ADISC for the ABDL stuff. It's a welcoming, accepting community that gives support for anything going on in our lives.

 

[DavyBoyAB]

People may not be happy with me saying so, but I'd highly recommend joining ADISC for the ABDL stuff. It's a welcoming, accepting community that gives support for anything going on in our lives.

I am already a member of ADISC and even host an ABDL community for my homeland