Always been angry and resentful of my dad

[Nail-biter23]

hi guys. I recently learned that my dad might have aspergers or high functioning autism. I’ve been reading these forums and I really Relate to the pain and frustration everyone has been going through.

I’m in my early 20s now and when I was little my dad was definitely better than he is now for the most part, but I still felt like something was missing. He would take me to concerts and make my bed but he would also yell and scream at very minuscule issues and made me feel dumb and resentful of education, especially math. If I didn’t get it there was no patience just a simple “you’re wrong you’re dumb you’re not trying” even though I was Trying my best.

My Mom is very successful career wise and she’s the best mom in the whole world, but before she divorced my dad when I was 15 she wasn’t. They would always argue and she would feel like he just was not on the same emotional wave length. He was very self involved and very angry but also she knew he was trying his best. He also smokes a lot of weed. An obscene amount. It’s how he copes and that’s always been hard for me and my mom because we never understand how weed could be more important than keeping a family together.

As I grow older I have grown more resentful of my father. I have said to myself and others that he doesn’t care, doesn’t love me... when in reality he will never love me like others do and he is trying his best. He loves talking about cars and concerts but he never takes interest in what I’m doing unless I can relate it to him. He’s never been good in social situations and he’s always seemed more childish than father should be.

I know I’m still allowed to be angry about the scars he has left but I’m also trying to make sense of how I can have a satisfying relationship with him from here on out. He’s never gotten to know me as an adult and I don’t even know how to go about repairing this relationship. I want to reiterate that I’m not 100% sure he has aspergers all I know is that the symptoms line up and I am trying to learn how to love my father even though I can’t feel his love for me.

 

[Tom]

Try talking to him adult to adult. Meet him for coffee or something in a neutral place. If he starts talking down to you like a kid, remind him that time is over. Communication issues are communication issues no matter what the cause. You can make repairs without addressing the underlying psychological aspects. In fact in the beginning I suggest people don't. For starters get the ball rolling.

 

[VJCJ0628]

I spent a lot of years angry with my father, He was very hard on me, However in my 30's I started to soften up and realize a lot of my problems were my own making,

After that when I had kids, especially a son who has many of my traits, I realized how hard it is to be a parent and he did the best he could with what he knew and even the hard things were because he wanted the best for although it did not seem so at the time, It took having my own kids to live and see that

Most recently after learning about my Aspergers, I began to realize many of the hard things has benefited me greatly through my life although I didn't know it at the time, Now I am totally grateful for him in a way I could never have imagined

Also I agree with Tom there was I time I needed to have that discussion with my father as well

 

[SunnyDay16]

I would just have an open, honest dialogue with him about how he made you feel as a kid. You have every right to feel angry or bitter about it, as the way he treated you wasn't right. He seems to me he had his own psychological problems and you, being only a child, were the easiest person to take them out on. I would avoid "you" statements though so instead of saying, "You made me feel awful as a child", you could instead use "I" statements by saying, "I felt like you thought I wasn't trying when I didn't understand something even though I was. It makes me feel angry when I think of how you yelled at me over certain things when I was young."

 

[OlLiE]

if you are an NT then of course you feel the way you do

however, it seems like you are blaming a blind person for acting like a blind person, except the blindness is his autism and lack of emotional involvement/intelligence

i am in my mid 40's:
- i try to be an 'understanding' person, but often fail
- i often seem self-absorbed because outside emotional stimuli are painful and exhausting
- i also have no patience when explaining things, and assume that if i get them everyone else does, and i sometimes get upset if things are not going efficiently

however, my wife and i have decided not to have children, i find them too emotionally needy, and an emotional and financial burden not worth enduring

no matter how much you resent him for not giving you what you feel you are entitled to,
you would not be here without him if he had decided as i have, he has given you the opportunity to be happy in this life, with or without him

you can either remove him from your life or try to make the best of it,

but resentment about the past is pointless and will just make you feel bad without actually achieving anything, either fix it or forget it

good luck

 

[SunnyDay16]

if you are an NT then of course you feel the way you do

however, it seems like you are blaming a blind person for acting like a blind person, except the blindness is his autism and lack of emotional involvement/intelligence

i am in my mid 40's:
- i try to be an 'understanding' person, but often fail
- i often seem self-absorbed because outside emotional stimuli are painful and exhausting
- i also have no patience when explaining things, and assume that if i get them everyone else does, and i sometimes get upset if things are not going efficiently

however, my wife and i have decided not to have children, i find them too emotionally needy, and an emotional and financial burden not worth enduring

no matter how much you resent him for not giving you what you feel you are entitled to,
you would not be here without him if he had decided as i have, he has given you the opportunity to be happy in this life, with or without him

you can either remove him from your life or try to make the best of it,

but resentment about the past is pointless and will just make you feel bad without actually achieving anything, either fix it or forget it

good luck

With all due respect, I kind of disagree. Yes, his Asperger's might have something to do with how he treated his daughter, but regardless of the reason I feel like anger and resentment are normal, healthy reactions to have. Most people would agree that the way he treated his daughter as a child was wrong, and I'm one of those people. He might not have done it intentionally or even was aware of it, but wrong is still wrong no matter the reasons behind it.

If someone treats me poorly, I'm going to be angry. I don't care if it was on purpose or not. If I was treated poorly as a child, I'm going to probably be even more angry because I was young and an easier target. Plenty of adults were beaten to death with belts and are angry about that, even though their parents told them it was because they "loved them" or "didn't know any better."

Being upset about poor treatment isn't about feeling "entitled" to something, it's about being upset from negative stimuli. Our brains are wired to do this. We're social animals by nature and we naturally want to be treated with care. Young children are especially vunerable and sensitive to negative stimuli.

Resentment in the long run isn't good, but I think a little amount of it is necessary and even healthy to deal with the unhealed wounds.

EDIT: Daughter! Sorry!

 

[OlLiE]

i respect your opinion,

processing resentment however in my opinion, is a hurdle to actually dealing with the issue at hand

i tend to try and find logical and reasonable solutions to problems, i find that emotionality tends to cloud the process

i usually end up saying: i hope you understand this upset me, i understand that i have upset you, what kind of a relationship do we want, what are we going to do to get there

but again, everyone deals with things in a way that suits them best

 

[SunnyDay16]

i respect your opinion,

processing resentment however in my opinion, is a hurdle to actually dealing with the issue at hand

i tend to try and find logical and reasonable solutions to problems, i find that emotionality tends to cloud the process

i usually end up saying: i hope you understand this upset me, i understand that i have upset you, what kind of a relationship do we want, what are we going to do to get there

but again, everyone deals with things in a way that suits them best

I do understand what you're saying and I respect that. I even agree with you on that, generally speaking, logical and reasonable solutions to problems are best. However, problems with feelings involved usually require one to confront their feelings and seek closure for them. If that doesn't happen, said problems don't usually go away. They just stay buried there waiting to be "triggered" again.

Adults who are traumatized by abuse (not saying OP's situation is abusive, but just using an example) tend to be told all their lives that they should just "let go of the past" and just "get over it" even with all those undealt with emotions. Unless they actually confront those emotions from their abuse as kids, it's never really dealt with.

 

[VJCJ0628]

With all due respect, I kind of disagree. Yes, his Asperger's might have something to do with how he treated his son, but regardless of the reason I feel like anger and resentment are normal, healthy reactions to have. Most people would agree that the way he treated his son as a child was wrong, and I'm one of those people. He might not have done it intentionally or even was aware of it, but wrong is still wrong no matter the reasons behind it.

If someone treats me poorly, I'm going to be angry. I don't care if it was on purpose or not. If I was treated poorly as a child, I'm going to probably be even more angry because I was young and an easier target. Plenty of adults were beaten to death with belts and are angry about that, even though their parents told them it was because they "loved them" or "didn't know any better."

Being upset about poor treatment isn't about feeling "entitled" to something, it's about being upset from negative stimuli. Our brains are wired to do this. We're social animals by nature and we naturally want to be treated with care. Young children are especially vunerable and sensitive to negative stimuli.

Resentment in the long run isn't good, but I think a little amount of it is necessary and even healthy to deal with the unhealed wounds.

I both agree and disagree, 1 on the agree side, my father was tough on me, and I agree I went through a time of anger and could not have done differently

2 on the disagree side, I now have children, and do the best I can to provide the direction and path that they need for life as a father should. I only have what I know and what I experience, because of this I now see my Father did all he could because he cared and used all he had in knowledge and experience. also, I have now come to realize at least some of the things I was angry about were things that provided valuable lessons too and see it in a new light. I do believe when he was too tough he did it with great pain to himself and because he loved me and because he didn't know a better way, especially because simply talking to me didn't help and because the schools can also put a lot of pressure on parents as well back then they didn't even know about Aspergers and today they do, I get the calls about my 8-year-old many many times, I only recently got a diagnosis for him hopefully that helps next year

I do differently from my father only because I have more knowledge and different experiences, One can only do the best they can from what they have to work with.

So I see both sides as I have been on both sides, I do believe the intent is a big factor to look at in all fairness

However, I understand the resentment said as I lived that as well, but I will also say once I let go of the resentment only then I became free

I do regret my years of resentment

Also having Aspergers I know I have hurt/ and or upset people unintentionally in life I would imagine most have, I know I would not want to be held to such a standard of it does not matter what the intent, If I want mercy I should also give mercy

 

[SunnyDay16]

I both agree and disagree, 1 on the agree side, my father was tough on me, and I agree I went through a time of anger and could have done differently

2 on the disagree side, I now have children, and do the best I can to provide the direction and path that they need for life as a father should. I only have what I know and what I experience, because of this I now see my Father did all he could because he cared and used all he had in knowledge and experience. also, I have now come to realize at least some of the things I was angry about were things that provided valuable lessons too and see it in a new light. I do believe when he was too tough he did it with great pain to himself and because he loved me and because he didn't know a better way, especially because simply talking to me didn't help and because the schools can also put a lot of pressure on parents as well back then they didn't even know about Aspergers and today they do, I get the calls about my 8-year-old many many times, I only recently got a diagnosis for him hopefully that helps next year

I do differently from my father only because I have more knowledge and different experiences, One can only do the best they can from what they have to work with.

So I see both sides as I have been on both sides, I do believe the intent is a big factor to look at in all fairness

However, I understand the resentment said as I lived that as well, but I will also say once I let go of the resentment only then I became free

I do regret my years of resentment

That is one way to deal with it and I even recommend it for many people. However, what I am also trying to say is that it's okay to be angry or even a little bitter about how your parents treated you overly harshly or unfairly. Those are just normal human reactions to mistreatment, and I feel those emotions must be confronted and actually dealt with before one can make amends with the people they are hurt by.

 

[VJCJ0628]

That is one way to deal with it and I even recommend it for many people. However, what I am also trying to say is that it's okay to be angry or even a little bitter about how your parents treated you overly harshly or unfairly. Those are just normal human reactions to mistreatment, and I feel those emotions must be confronted and actually dealt with before one can make amends with the people they are hurt by.

That I do agree with there is always a process and one must go through the emotion in order to process, I don't know if NT's do But I know I do

Also I meant to put the word not in my first sentence in the other post I corrected now meaning I could Not have done difrently

 

[LearnedCoward]

i try to be an 'understanding' person, but often fail

Same here. I think I'm understanding, or at least I try to understand, but I don't exude empathy the way NTs do, so it doesn't come out properly.

i often seem self-absorbed because outside emotional stimuli are painful and exhausting

So much is exhausting. Being able to read social cues, then being able to detach myself from my own problems and glom on to someone else's, then offering a response that society deems is appropriate. It's like I'm expected to do this as a matter of course, and my inability to manage this is not tolerated at all, even though I'm giving it my best shot.

What's really a kick in the teeth is that I have not had anyone in my life who was both emotionally supportive and dependable. I've had friends and family who were generally supportive but were largely unavailable (thus making them not all that supportive), and then I've had family and acquaintances who didn't even try to offer support. Yet, I'm supposed to relate to people, on their terms, when they want me to, or else I'm a horrible person. Yeah, and I'm the "self-centered" one

i also have no patience when explaining things, and assume that if i get them everyone else does, and i sometimes get upset if things are not going efficiently

I have gradually built up patience, but I still assume someone knows way more than they actually do when I explain things to them.

I also get upset when things don't go efficiently, but I push it down. I've known enough (NT) people who did this to extremes, who always assumed that their way was the One Right Way(TM), that I hold back lest I be confused with one of them

 

[Bronwyn]

Feels like im reading about my own dad!
When I was diagnosed as a Aspie the Dr said that it is common for Father/daughters mothers/sons to have the same diagnosis. I think this information has made it easier for us to understand each other. I take what he says with a pinch of salt and he does too. Im not going to pretend that he didnt ruin my childhood for me but im working on making such im content with it. My mother has openly said she's ashamed of the way I was treated as a child now knowing why my behaviour was like how it is. My father is still a * (word I cant say) and I have told him this but thats who he is and well if he's happy being a * then he can go for it. But im at the age where im confident to argue back which has made interesting conversations.

 

[Mary Anne]

I will NEVER get over my resentments of my dad, who most likely had aspergers. He is dead and gone now...good riddance. 28+ years of therapy had not erased my resentments. I just accept how I feel and move on now. If I had known about aspebergers while in therapy all those years, it might have made a difference, but it does not now. People like my parents should NOT have had children, regardless of their strong Catholic faith telling them to do so.