Alexithymia- maybe?

[RobZombiefan]

Just now walking back from the farmer’s market I failed to recognize the neighbor next door until figuring out 5 minutes later who it must’ve been who said, “hi!” to me. No wonder people think I’m a jerk.
I said hi back to him but probably had a mystified expression on my face.

You, not a jerk! I'm the same way I've done that many times but any neurotypical would think that we are snobs when we are far from it.

 

[SimonSays]

I tend to delve deeply into the pain and think through what is happening on as many levels as I can be aware of. Generally this doesn’t involve or require or engender crying.

I understand this. This is where I would say I am now as well. While I would never rule out the possibility of a cry being necessary, for the most part, it's certainly a lot better to go into the pain and see what's there without letting it overwhelm me into an emotional response. I couldn't do this when I was a kid. It probably would have benefited me greatly if there had been someone who could have explained it to me, taught me how to channel the emotion differently.

 

[Ken]

I don't know if this is connected; throughout my life I often have sudden bouts of depression. It comes on instantly just out of the blue like being shot with a gun or bashed by a giant lead weight dropped from a skyscraper. It knocks me down, is debilitating and lasts for a week or a few months. I have gone to psychologist, never with an answer. I can never say what the source of the depression is. It just hits. When asked I will try to think of something recent that I didn't like, but I know that it never warrants the magnitude of the depression. In every case, the psychologist says it is situational depression. I don't think so.

I also cry, but only when witnessing something good for another person. Anything that makes them very happy and something they have struggled for. I rarely cry for anything about myself regardless if it is something happy or sad. Crying for someones happiness is always embarrassing; men are not supposed to cry and no one else is crying. It makes me unable to speak. I always cry in or at the end of accomplishment movies like, McFarland, Pursuit of Happiness, Safety Not Guaranteed, Hugo, Eddie the Eagle, Freedom Writers, Erin Brockovich, and many more.

 

[Shamar]

One of the difficuties I have had in life concerns matching my thoughts and feelings. This is paticularly true for unusual or outstanding events.
Basically I can not identify my thoughts or feelings and I just turn into a confused mess. An event occurs and my mind turns into something that feels like a mass of tangled, black, threads.

I know I am having anxious thoughts but I can not say what is bothering me. I can not say "xyz makes me feel anxious". It has even taken many years to identify the confusion I feel as anxiety.

And weirdly, sometimes the event that prompted the confusion isn't even where the actual anxiety lies.
I will try to reason everything out but I can not. I feel like a blind person trying to describe plaid.

Even as I write this I think "that's what therapists are for". But I just took an online Alexithymia test and I scored quite highly as having Alexithymia traits. But I am not sure I believe it, in part because such tests phrase questions wrongly such as "friends often tell me...". I have few friends to tell me anything and those I do have aren't close enough, or rude enough to tell me anything.

So I am bringing this conundrum to you all because, even if the thread goes off topic or is no help to me, maybe the conversation will be interesting.

Like you, I have not been officially diagnosed with alexithymia, But I certainly rate high on the tests. I have no friends. For "friends" you can substitute acquaintances or co-workers. Besides the usual characteristics, my particular flavor includes a disconnect between my thoughts and emotions, above the usual. This has allowed me to stay calm and think clearly in situations that would reduce other people to nervous wrecks. On the other hand, it has caused me to be unable to experience emotions like other people. This, combined with autism, means I am unable to form bonds or connections with other people.

 

[Suzette]

Just now walking back from the farmer’s market I failed to recognize the neighbor next door until figuring out 5 minutes later who it must’ve been who said, “hi!” to me. No wonder people think I’m a jerk.
I said hi back to him but probably had a mystified expression on my face.

I was with my husband for several years before I realized he has problems with faces.
Most meeting with others are contextual, so he will recognize neighbors because they are in their drive way etc. He is not face blind but has a hard time distinguishing between two people that look similar, unless he knows them well.
He won't confuse me with another 5 foot tall brunette with the same hair style.
But is he meets two people who are similar, take one away he won't know which one is gone. He often can't distingush between actors and actressess unless they have been in several favorite films. George Clooney looks the same to him as Mel Gibson for example.

 

[Ken]

Just now walking back from the farmer’s market I failed to recognize the neighbor next door until figuring out 5 minutes later who it must’ve been who said, “hi!” to me. No wonder people think I’m a jerk.
I said hi back to him but probably had a mystified expression on my face.

Ohhh that happens to me so much. Very embarrassing!

 

[Ken]

Also don't know if this is related, but I often feel like I may be confused, but not sure if I am.

 

[Suzette]

I always cry in or at the end of accomplishment movies like, McFarland, Pursuit of Happiness, Safety Not Guaranteed, Hugo, Eddie the Eagle, Freedom Writers, Erin Brockovich, and many more.

True confession, I cried at the end of Tin Cup. It is a movie about a talented golf amature that won the Masters. It's a Kevin Costner movie and about golf fer crissakes!
But I have also shed a tear over the Snuggle toilet paper bear. Maybe I am more "warped" than autistic?

I wonder though if your sudden bouts of depression isn't related to vitamin D defficiency? Or an imbalance in some other nutrient or pre-hormone that help with dopamine production. Just a thought.

I think @1ForAll ll has the right of it. When you have been told what to think and feel, as many abused people are, it is hard to connect thoughts and feelings together. Especially if that abuse happened as you were developing as a child. So, maybe, just another symptom of my cptsd. The investigation continues.

 

[Ken]

I wonder though if your sudden bouts of depression isn't related to vitamin D defficiency? Or an imbalance in some other nutrient or pre-hormone that help with dopamine production. Just a thought.

A good thought, but I think it is more of miswired neurons. I suspect that because I already have a diagnosed neurological miswiring in the auditory cortex of my brain. Makes sense to me there could be more.
I also have three chronic diseases that prompts frequent blood-work. I am never vitamin D deficient, nor any other vitamin or hormone. The depression issue has been throughout my life as far back as I can remember to the present. When it hits, it feels like I just witnessed a tragic event, like watching someone I love being killed by a bomb, etc. even thought nothing has actually happened. I never think that's what happened, it's just the intensity is like that. I suspect a neuron firing (normally) for something else crossfires a neuron in the amygdala or some other part of the brain. Also just a thought. At least, that's how it feels.

 

[Aspychata]

Deep breath here. I never feel manipulated by films. I appreciate feeling emotions in a ***controlled environment ** my living room. I feel the emotion, then l stress out a bit, then l release. So movies actually help us identify and get in touch with our feelings. Because for a long time, it was two days before l knew what l was feeling. Hope this makes sense. I feel like a lab rat with it's eyes wide open like clockwork orange movie. You will watch, you will feel, and then you will move on.

We have to work at identifying what we feel. If we wait for several days, l believe we create anxiety because we aren't in touch with us. Maybe we have to manually feel things vs NTs who have a natural connection and do it intuitively perhaps? Maybe thats why social clues are lost on us. If we can't identify with what we feel, along with not interpreting your social clues, then we can't feel in the moment. And then our anxiety increases because we feel on the outside looking in.

 

[Aspychata]

My daughter seemed very drawn to Judy Garland in the Wizard of Oz. Maybe Judy was excellent at conveying emotion and my daughter latched on to this and watched it over and over.

My love for older films maybe simply because l understand the emotions being portrayed. Where as newer movies can frustrate me if there is too much botox in the face. I remember in one job l worked, two heavily botoxed woman approached me upset and l visibly was shaken up because their voices of indignation didn't agree with their expressions. I freaked out. Lol.

 

[SDRSpark]

But I am not sure I believe it, in part because such tests phrase questions wrongly such as "friends often tell me...". I have few friends to tell me anything and those I do have aren't close enough, or rude enough to tell me anything.

This drives me absolutely up the wall about these tests.

They all have questions like that and I'm thinking "I need you to understand that people don't have conversations like this". Or they phrase it differently if they do, and I don't make the connection to the test question (which is likely, and it's especially frustrating on AUTISM tests, where the test maker should know that I'm highly likely to take the questions literally!)

I definitely have a degree of alexithymia myself. In the past I've been completely out of touch with most of my emotions. Now I'm aware that I have more than three emotions, but I can't figure out what they are much of the time.

I'm frequently "accused" (I use the word "accuse" because that's what it feels like even if that's not the intent) of feeling things that I don't actually feel. People think I'm "freaking out" when I make a casual observation, or worried when I'm merely curious about something etc. I haven't quite figured out if it's my mannerisms, the subject matter, or what. It's extremely frustrating and demoralizing to feel so misunderstood all the time as everyone reads things into what I say that just isn't there.

 

[SDRSpark]

That’s exactly what I experience. I have read about Alexithymia too and thought it describes me. If someone asks me how I feel, I don’t know what to say. I haven’t tried any online tests for it though. I feel like sometimes there is a delayed reaction, where my feelings will all come out later after an event has occurred. Apparently it is pretty common among those with ASD. Though with movies I rewatch, I cry at the same spots every time.

This is exactly it. I hate it when people ask me what I'm feeling about something and expect or demand an immediate answer. It can take days, weeks, months, or even YEARS to figure out what I'm feeling and why. I literally can't answer the question.

"Delayed reaction" or a series of delayed reactions (complex events have layers of reaction) is the story of my life.

 

[SDRSpark]

Whereas I seem to be forever trying to explain my emotions. Why do I do it? Explaining is, perhaps, my worst quality. I get confused seeking explainations and need to justify everything. I exhaust myself. Yet, sometimes, I can't figure out what I am thinking unless I take the long route by explaining the feelings I have. Somehow that process leads me to rational thought. It is so weird I think I shouldn't even share.

Hmm...yep, this is familiar. I need to talk about things in order to understand them. Talking about it helps me put it in perspective.

 

[Suzette]

I'm frequently "accused" (I use the word "accuse" because that's what it feels like even if that's not the intent) of feeling things that I don't actually feel. People think I'm "freaking out" when I make a casual observation, or worried when I'm merely curious about something etc. I haven't quite figured out if it's my mannerisms, the subject matter, or what.

My family does this. I will just be standing still and simply say something bothers me, an item is lost or whatever and somebody replies "Well don't freakout!". Er...o.k.?

After reading this thread and comments from Thinx in another thread regarding "delayed processing disorder", I think I am coming to some understanding.

Sorry @SDRSpark, I have some thoughts that I don't want to interupt but these comments are not TO you exactly

I have mentioned before growing up in an environment where there was a lot of bullying, abusive teasing, parental neglect and an overbearing mother. Naturally this environment resulted in some codependency.

If I am actually experiencing some delayed processing, coupled with the bullying and demands to "speak up" on the spot (that overbearing mother thing), it is no wonder I don't understand how I feel. I know growing up I often just made stuff up to stop the interrogations or hide my confusion.

Ah, the joys of cptsd!

 

[Suzette]

This is exactly it. I hate it when people ask me what I'm feeling about something and expect or demand an immediate answer. It can take days, weeks, months, or even YEARS to figure out what I'm feeling and why. I literally can't answer the question.

"Delayed reaction" or a series of delayed reactions (complex events have layers of reaction) is the story of my life.

Exactly! Yes, yes, yes!

 

[SDRSpark]

I was with my husband for several years before I realized he has problems with faces.
Most meeting with others are contextual, so he will recognize neighbors because they are in their drive way etc. He is not face blind but has a hard time distinguishing between two people that look similar, unless he knows them well.
He won't confuse me with another 5 foot tall brunette with the same hair style.
But is he meets two people who are similar, take one away he won't know which one is gone. He often can't distingush between actors and actressess unless they have been in several favorite films. George Clooney looks the same to him as Mel Gibson for example.

I'm like your husband. I'm not completely face blind, but if I see someone out of context I'm unlikely to recognize them.

As a kid I'd constantly have people greeting me in the street, calling my name and waving and I'd think "who are you and how do you know my name"? It was a weird feeling. I felt like a celebrity or something because all these complete strangers knew me by name.

Turns out that they probably weren't strangers and I was probably supposed to know who they were.

 

[SDRSpark]

My family does this. I will just be standing still and simply say something bothers me, an item is lost or whatever and somebody replies "Well don't freakout!". Er...o.k.?

Me: "It smells like bleach in here." (Statement of fact. Someone cleaned with bleach. No emotional attachment whatsoever.)

Everyone else: Interprets my observation as a complaint.

After reading this thread and comments from Thinx in another thread regarding "delayed processing disorder", I think I am coming to some understanding.

Never heard of that one, I'm going to have to look that up.

I have mentioned before growing up in an environment where there was a lot of bullying, abusive teasing, parental neglect and an overbearing mother. Naturally this environment resulted in some codependency.

If I am actually experiencing some delayed processing, coupled with the bullying and demands to "speak up" on the spot (that overbearing mother thing), it is no wonder I don't understand how I feel. I know growing up I often just made stuff up to stop the interrogations or hide my confusion.

Ah, the joys of cptsd!

CPTSD here too. Never diagnosed, but was almost diagnosed: a neuropsych saw it on a QEEG and said "this is something I usually see in patients with PTSD, did anything traumatic happen to you?" I was still gaslit as all get out and thought my upbringing was completely normal, and that there was something wrong with me that I couldn't "handle it". I didn't think fearing for my safety for the majority of my life counted as a traumatic experience, I thought she meant a car crash or something, so I said no.

If she'd asked about my childhood, oh, boy, would that have been enlightening. But she never did, just asked if anything had happened and then dropped it.

Years later I'm seeing it now and really wishing that conversation had gone differently. There's no way in Hades that I wouldn't be sitting here with a PTSD diagnosis on record.

 

[Suzette]

I'm like your husband. I'm not completely face blind, but if I see someone out of context I'm unlikely to recognize them.

As a kid I'd constantly have people greeting me in the street, calling my name and waving and I'd think "who are you and how do you know my name"? It was a weird feeling. I felt like a celebrity or something because all these complete strangers knew me by name.

Turns out that they probably weren't strangers and I was probably supposed to know who they were.

Trauma can cause this to happen too. My teen years were the worst. I wouldn't recognize classmates in the store. Recently I found an old yearbook on line. I couldn't recognize most of my classmates.

When you say "fearing for your life" what prompted this fear?

I couldn't even tell my mother what was wrong. She didn't hear me anyway. I could not acticulate specifics and those that I could talk about like some ocd like fixations, I was too ashamed of them to mention. I did try to tell her about my trouble in school but she just said I didn't "apply" myself or was lazy.

 

[watersprite]

Me: "It smells like bleach in here." (Statement of fact. Someone cleaned with bleach. No emotional attachment whatsoever.)

Ugh. That sort of occurrence right there is at the crux of what in fact does make me upset:
Their assumption of what emotion others are feeling and basing their interaction on an error. And then, they don’t believe you when you tell them otherwise.
That kind of stupid behavior is the main reason there are some people who I choose not to be around for more than 1 minute. I believe it is also, or can be, part of a narcissist’s tactics.