• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Advice on telling son he is autistic?

He needs to know that Autism isn’t what he has. Autism is part of who he is. He should always be proud of who he is. Autism isn’t a crutch. Autism just is.

^ I really like this because it blows up the "person first" language (e.g. "He's a "person with autism" rather than an autistic person). I think "person first" language is more popular with NTs deciding it's better for autistics than it is with autistics themselves. I personally find it offensive. What you've mentioned here @George Newman is what I ascribe to for myself, exactly.
 
Last edited:
Interesting… makes me wonder.

Maybe… as long as his needs are being addressed with parental understanding of autism.
Ultimately, autism and Asperger's are just labels. They are attempts to sort blocks of different shades of grey into distinct pigeonholes for convenience. Last I heard, they had identified over 100 sets of genes that were clearly autism related. There may be in-utero factors that mediate the expression of those genes. As one grows up, the environment one grows up in may also have marginal effects on their expression. That means everyone exists on a bells curve, probably many bell curves, one for each identifiable autistic trait.

Where an autistic trait ends and NT begins is subjective - and arbitrarily drawn - again for the convenience of classification. The two blend imperceptibly into each other. In reality, gray fades into black until we apply more light and suddenly see more shades of gray. Gray also fades into white in the same way.

At this point in his life, telling him he is "autistic" is meaningless. He has specific issues that need to be worked on, worked around, or adapted to, so as to maximize his chances at happiness. He doesn't need to be tied to a label. He may get along fine without it.
 
Last edited:
My son was recently diagnosed with autism at aged 9.

We're going to tell him but are not sure how best to do it and provide him with useful imformantion that is helpful but isn't too focused on the downsides and potential negative outcomes of being autistic.

While we were waiting for a diagnosis, we have been discussing neurodiversity in general, and autism has come up, so he is aware of it.

He also has autistic people in his school, but they require a lot of support from the school, whereas he doesn’t really. So I don’t think he relates to those children.

If it makes a difference, at his diagnosis, the psychiatrist said he’d have been diagnosed with Aspergers in the past but now it’s ASD.

Anyway, we are going to tell him, but I’m really nervous about it. Whenever I look online, the official pages also talk about it in quite severe and limiting terms. Such as struggling to get a job, anxiety, depression, etc.

I know it’s a disorder so don’t want to make light of it, but I’d rather just draw his attention to the positive or neutral “differences” of being autistic, at least to begin with.

He has a very inquisitive mind, so will want to know all about it, and while I’ve done a lot of reading, I find it hard to articulate what I’ve read. Plus, most of that is about the downsides of it, not the other sides.

I’ve being trying to find a factsheet I can print out that covers autism but without going too much into the downsides but haven’t managed to do so.

Any tips on explaining it to a child so that it’s a positive experience?
Stop saying disorder, it's a conditin that normies will ever understand but instead help him learn and learn right along with him and grow and evolve. Try mediation music, hobbies, don't push allow to just be who we all are uniquely created. Give up the control you were taught to god and share the experiences...
 
Ultimately, autism and Asperger's are just labels. They are attempts to sort blocks of different shades of grey into distinct pigeonholes for convenience. Last I heard, they had identified over 100 sets of genes that were clearly autism related. There may be in-utero factors that mediate the expression of those genes. As one grows up, the environment one grows up in may also have marginal effects on their expression. That means everyone exists on a bells curve, probably many bell curves, one for each identifiable autistic trait.

Where an autistic trait ends and NT begins is subjective - and arbitrarily drawn - again for the convenience of classification. The two blend imperceptibly into each other. In reality, gray fades into black until we apply more light and suddenly see more shades of gray. Gray also fades into white in the same way.

At this point in his life, telling him he is "autistic" is meaningless. He has specific issues that need to be worked on, worked around, or adapted to, so as to maximize his chances at happiness. He doesn't need to be tied to a label. He may get along fine without it.
This is contrary to my initial thoughts, but what you said makes a lot of sense to me. Well said.
 
I agree with @George Newman's approach. I don't think you should make a big deal out of it, neither positive nor negative. I feel like parents often overestimate the emotional impact of imparting information on kids. You are ultimately sharing info with your child on something he might find interesting or useful (I know I would have at that age). I don't think you should "sit him down" or "have a talk" about it. I rather suggest mentioning it when you are doing a shared activity, welcome him to ask you questions, answer them to the best of your ability (but also admit when you don't know something) and for now, that's it.

I don't think you should do a big count of all the famous people through history who people think were autistic for several reasons. To begin with, each autist is unique and not everyone is destined to become a world famous creator. Many people on the spectrum enjoy being in the shadows, or working more mundane jobs, so only talking about famous people puts a lot of unwarranted pressure on him. He can decide who he relates to himself, whether fictional or living. Stereotypical thinking is rife when it comes to autism, which is one of the reasons I don't think you should make a big spiel of it. I also think going on about all those wonderful autistic people might sound a bit... suspicious. It sounds like you are trying to convince him that autism isn't bad, which might have the opposite effect. Personally, I also get a bit annoyed with those "autists throughout history lists" as it wasn't diagnosable back then, so ultimately all we are going off on is a "feeling" as well as scant first or second hand accounts. I don't think we can really say that any of them are autistic for sure.

Finally, I do think you should tell him. I think it is his right to know he's autistic rather than have it hidden it from him. Sure, he might figure it out, and the "label" might end up not mattering a smidgeon, but it's common for people on the spectrum to grow up feeling like they are "defective" in some way without knowing why, leading to low self-confidence. Ironically enough, he might think that he doesn't have autism because he doesn't think he was diagnosed since he was never told. Sure, it would be very easy for him to ask you, but speaking for myself, I often end up drawing the most straightforward conclusion (no diagnosis = no autism) instead of investigating some matter further, especially if it avoids uncomfortable situations. If you tell him, he can use that information however he wants to, or he can completely ignore it, his choice. At least it gives him a good starting point if he later finds a need to understand himself better (which is the reason I'm on this forum).

I wish you the best of luck. I'm confident it will go fine, and that afterwards you will feel great relief at how well it went. That's how these conversations tend to go (though I can't guarantee anything).
 
My son was recently diagnosed with autism at aged 9.

We're going to tell him but are not sure how best to do it and provide him with useful imformantion that is helpful but isn't too focused on the downsides and potential negative outcomes of being autistic.

While we were waiting for a diagnosis, we have been discussing neurodiversity in general, and autism has come up, so he is aware of it.

He also has autistic people in his school, but they require a lot of support from the school, whereas he doesn’t really. So I don’t think he relates to those children.

If it makes a difference, at his diagnosis, the psychiatrist said he’d have been diagnosed with Aspergers in the past but now it’s ASD.

Anyway, we are going to tell him, but I’m really nervous about it. Whenever I look online, the official pages also talk about it in quite severe and limiting terms. Such as struggling to get a job, anxiety, depression, etc.

I know it’s a disorder so don’t want to make light of it, but I’d rather just draw his attention to the positive or neutral “differences” of being autistic, at least to begin with.

He has a very inquisitive mind, so will want to know all about it, and while I’ve done a lot of reading, I find it hard to articulate what I’ve read. Plus, most of that is about the downsides of it, not the other sides.

I’ve being trying to find a factsheet I can print out that covers autism but without going too much into the downsides but haven’t managed to do so.

Any tips on explaining it to a child so that it’s a positive experience?

Talk to him normally using the voice you usually use. This way he does not get the idea from you that something bad is being talked about. I would be direct. Explaining that brains in people can act differently. Some people are very good at seeing an idea visually, they can quickly imagine it. This is a skill other people do not have.

Sculptors and artists can look at rock and have the image of the shape they want to make always in their brain, so they can work and work and never forget that shape, slowly making the rock look just like it, even to the tiniest magical detail. But can most people do that? No.

Brains working differently. Of all the kids in his school most of them will work a certain way, in a way that sentences express an idea or emotion but not literally what the words in them mean. For some of the kids, like him, the exact words will stand out more. If two people who's brains work differently like that talk to each other, there can be an easy misunderstanding even though neither is wrong, they just understand meanings differently.

Because most people are not autistic like him, he will always be around people who mostly do not understand things the way he does. It is going to be harder because of that and being different can make him feel alone. But there are a lot of people exactly like him. He an learn about autistic kids and adults in places all around the world be amazed that though he never met them, they think exactly like he does.

Things will not always seem or be fair but he is great the way he is. He can try to remember that by maybe finding out about some people he looks up to who are autistic. Many famous people are.

I think the most important thing is for him to know there are many kids just like him.

Personally I would not tell a child who is autistic they have a disorder. It doesn't feel right to me saying that. Not saying you should not or would be wrong doing that I just wanted you to know how I feel about it as an autistic adult male.
 
Thanks for all the replies. Lots to think about!

Just to add some more info and respond to some points...

He is very "clever" in that he does very well at school. He's above his age at maths and science. He's well-behaved at home and school and gets on well with his siblings. He's always reading adult books about science and history and those sorts of topics, hence my wanting to get some positive resources to read on autism if he asks for them.

His main autistic struggles, if you want to call them that, are in how he talks to people, his different approach to social interactions, and his emotional dysregulation (getting very upset quite easily). There are probably other things going on, but those are the main ones.

He kind of talks like a little adult most of the time, reeling off lots of information about this latest special interest rather than much back-and-forth conversation. However, he does do that sometimes.

Personally, I don't think waiting until he asks is a good idea. I've some undiagnosed issues, possibly ASD, social anxiety, and a few other potential things, and it never occurred to me to ask anyone if I had X, Y, or Z when I was growing up. I just thought there was something wrong with me and kept it to myself, and struggled on with lots of internal difficulties, but doing OK at work, etc. So it's only in my late 30s/early 40s that I've learned there might be names for what I have and ways to understand them and cope better with them.

I wouldn't tell him he was gay or trans, as that's a more personal thing. People don't get assessed for that, as far as I know. And they not "conditions" that affect how people cope in the world, as far as I know? I guess it depends on where you live, but we certainly don't live anywhere like that. Being gay or trans is something that's widely talked about, and all kids learn about it and get plenty of time to discuss it at school, etc so I feel like it's something they would realize they were, now or as they get older. There's no talk about autism as far as I know, so I don't think he would consider it as he's relatively unaware of it, apart from the conversations we've had about it in a more general sense.

Yes, we have talked about the Elon Musk thing. He's a fan of the Musk brand (Tesla, SpaceX, doesn't know about the Twitter situation ;-). It's hard to find other people though, that are inspirational. I wasn't that impressed with the other list posted! We don't know anyone with ASD and the few in his school that are public receive a lot of help and don't present like he does, so not sure he could relate.

My main goal, I guess, is to find some sort of book or something he can read or we can read together. But one that isn't so depressing and heavy. All the ones I've read so far cover many of the downsides of ASD and potential adverse outcomes (along with the positives). I don't really want him to know, not yet at least, that it's very likely, statistically speaking, that he won't live as long, will probably suffer from anxiety, might also have ADHD/OCD, probably won't get a job, all because that's statistically likely for people with ASD. He might have all that happen to him, but I think he's too young to hear all that. He's very happy generally.

Thanks for replying, everyone!
 
It's hard to find other people though, that are inspirational.
I find you to be very inspirational and I wonder how I might have turned out differently if I had a father like you.

I don't think you'll find too many books specifically about autism that are very inspirational, most are written by neurally typical people who see us as something broken, something to be pitied. None of them seem to understand that some of us see them in the same light.

I was fascinated with science and technology when I was his age and I was also an avid reader. By that age I was in to mainstream novels by the likes of Asimov and Niven, then I discovered fantasy novels. Your dungeons and dragons, lord of the rings type of thing and I have loved those ever since.

As far as reading material goes I think you'll find more inspiration in fiction than in fact. In many of these stories the main character is a young boy that everyone thinks is a bit strange but he grows up to be someone very special.

Lord Of The Rings is one of these books, written by an English teacher specifically for young boys. Target age for that series is 12 to 15. The Hobbit was written afterwards but is a lead up to that story with a target age of 10 to 13.

(the movies are complete crap compared to the books)

If it turns out that this genre interests him there are many others but they are targeted at late teen to adult audiences. In my opinion the greatest of all of them by a large margin is Magician by Raymond E Feist. The story starts when the main hero is only a ten year old boy.
 
@Jcopy

Your son sounds just like me as a child, I did reply to this thread but there was so much negativity put forth towards my post I took it down . Unfortunately I used logic factual data and personal experience to form a plan for you .

Plus I put forth a very impressive list of inspirational people who are autistic, and books by autistic authors with autistic perspective.

Your plan is what I would do. And is very logical.Be careful with advice on here , there is a lot of opinions floating around and very little based on science,facts,history or data .

Good luck to you and your son
 
Last edited:
Your son sounds just like me as a child, I did reply to this thread but there was so much negativity put forth towards my post I took it down . Unfortunately I used logic factual data and personal experience to form a plan for you .
Too bad you removed it, although I do understand. But it’s good for people to hear from everyone, including you. Even if others don’t like your ideas, they are yours and they are valuable and your advice may be the kind that someone needs to hear.
 
The real subject of the discussion is a 9-year old child.

I always try to interpret requests like the OP from the perspective of the Aspie.

From that perspective, the analysis starts from where the child is right now.
* Does he feel that he's different from others?
* Does he want help to conform more easily with his peers?

That's a small part of the full list of course. I chose those because they point forward:

* If the child doesn't perceive he has an issue, will it help or harm him to be "taught" that he's different?

After that (and many other factors) are considered, it will be time to consider:
* What result is best for the child?
* How can it be achieved effectively, with minimal collateral damage.

After all that is sorted, it might be time to consider whether it can be made into a "positive experience".

Sometimes addressing an objective requirement isn't a lot of fun. Ask @Neonatal RRT (a medical professional - they face this daily) if you want confirmation (or a rebuttal: both are ok for me - I like facts).

Note that I'm not trying to sneak in a claim that ASD is actually an illness. I don't believe that at all.

IMO this is about results vs comfort and convenience.
 
Your son is still pretty young. I raised two sons one had a learning disability. things changed suddenly when he hit puberty the disability started to alleviate.
 
Hi @Jcopy! Welcome!

So, was it the school, then, that suggested he be tested? Presumably, if it were, then they’re probably going to want to develop an IEP to help him.

My step-son teaches special ed. One thing I will say about that is, at least in his case, his goal is to reform the socially disruptive behavior so that his students will fit in better with their future prospective employment so that they can live life on their own, or with as minimal an amount of support as possible.

My reading, along with the research I’ve read done by the folks here, points to the neurological model as being the best explanation for what autism is. However, the psychological model of autism my step-son takes has caused a great divide between my husband and I, so much so that I cannot talk about the very things he doesn’t like about me because he has determined (based on his son’s estimation) that I do not have autism.

Just because someone’s traits are not as socially noticeable or distracting does not mean that one does not have autism. Despite this, I have had over twenty years of help with my husband filling in for me. Before we go to the doctor’s, I tell him what I want to accomplish there. When the doctor—and it’s every doctor—starts getting frustrated with me (notice how this reply is not short and concise? Picture this length of post happening at a doctor’s office) then he steps in and voila! We’re done. He handles returns for me at the store. Sometimes he will even step in uninvited to my conversations and say, “what she means is--,” and frankly, it’s very helpful. He can get to the point much faster than I can and he does so in a way that puts people at ease. I, on the other hand, have a reputation for arguing because I ask questions.

I am very successful. I hold two master’s degrees and am considering a PhD. I have been married for twenty-plus years, have had two friends for about as long, and I get along well with my co-workers. I do not talk a lot at work, but once a week or so I make sure I ask how this one’s doing or that one. I do have to work at it, though.

Things I have trouble with are following verbal direction without writing down every word spoken. I hear “blahblahblah” and it takes a while for the sounds to make sense—but by then the person speaking to me has spoken several more sentences and I am still trying to decipher what was said. (Meanwhile, they’ve got their head in their hand, shaking it back and forth.) In casual conversation I’m fine, but add some anxiety to it and personally confrontational questioning and I just wish I could leave. But I can’t, so I don’t. I am frequently not believed, second-guessed, told I’m wrong, am accused of not listening or misinterpreting or of not being a good communicator. I had no idea until I started learning about autism that I do not always maintain the eye contact necessary for these things to be accepted at face value.

Thankfully, I have learned over the years how to cope with what people say and I try to extend to them grace. I have taken enough practical communication classes (in business, psychology, and a communications class that emphasized tactics in conversation) that help me to at least show that I expect to be treated respectfully and that my ideas will be heard. Although, I do have tendency of approaching most conversations as if I were going into a verbal war. Oh, sure, I’ll laugh and joke and today I had my boss in stitches—but it is exhausting. My home is very quiet.

I am very sound-sensitive. Our security door at work beeps and hurts my ears every time I have to go through them. I don’t have a solution for that yet. Yet I am very comfortable walking outside with the dog barefoot in the snow & as a child used to go & have snowball fights with my brother wearing nothing but a t-shirt and shorts. So, go figure. Autism is experienced differently by each person—no two experiences will be the same. I hope that what I’ve shared here is encouraging in that your son will find ways to adapt to the people around him and that he can overcome any difficulties he may already be facing.

I’m coming into this discussion from outside of the Autism community. I don’t know the social rules within the community, so I don’t know how what I will say next will be taken. The biggest tip I can think of offering is that you love your son. Whatever you do, do it in love and do it together as a family. What affects him affects you—and vice-versa, how you decide to approach this material (interested and open or anxious and worried) is going to be how he is largely going to approach it as well. At least until he’s old enough to start making his own decisions about it.

Really, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with your son. The problem is with society. I’ve recently befriended a woman who has Asperger’s. When we talk, it’s straight across. We don’t experience those so-called “problems” between ourselves. So a lot of this ‘diagnosis’ depends on perspective and the authority to enforce that perspective. But there is something wrong with a society that no longer takes an active interest in the raising of children. Today people are so afraid to talk to strangers’ kids, but when I was a kid it helped me a lot to hear from strangers or neighbors to do/not do this or that. Maybe if more people were more involved with going through life together, we as a culture wouldn’t find differences to be so much of a ‘problem’.

Good luck to you. Let us know how it goes, okay?
 
Last edited:

New Threads

Top Bottom