Advice on my mom's pregnancy...

[Sheogorath]

Hey everyone,

My name is Gryffix (not my real name ) and I am an 18 year old girl from the Netherlands. I was diagnosed with ADD and the Asperger syndrome at age 8. Currently, I need advice on a matter and I couldn't think of another place to go to. The problem I am dealing with at the moment, is not autism related. But the way I process it and respond to it, is definitely influenced by my autism.

See, my mother is pregnant. She is in her 40's, and it was unexpected. Obviously, my mom is a little old to still get kids. But all the tests she ran so far were very positive, and she and her boyfriend were very happy about it.
I accidentally found out when I opened a document on the family computer, thinking it was my homework. But it was a list of names for "April 2015", so I asked her what the list was for. When she told me I was shocked, because I would've never thought that my 45 year old mother with two teenage children would get a third child. But then I started to like the idea of a new brother/sister, and got pretty excited for the baby. But now there are a few little obstacles...

Here are my questions:
1) My 16 year old brother still doesn't know about the pregnancy. My mother didn't want to tell us about it before she was sure all the tests were positive. That way, if she'd get a miscarriage or other complications, it would've been better if we would've never known about the pregnancy to begin with, so we wouldn't have to deal with the loss. But everything is going well, and it is time to tell my brother. I said to my mom that I'd do it. The reason why, is that I know for a fact that my brother will respond angry or frustrated at the news. He might say things about the pregnancy that he will regret later, or that will hurt my mom's feelings. She has been amazing to us in the past 10 years when she raised us on her own. She stayed single throughout the best years of her life, because she knew it would be difficult for an autistic child to deal with a new man in our house. But now she does have a boyfriend, and they are going to have a kid. She doesn't deserve to get the temper tantrum of a 16 year old, although I really understand my brother's frustration. So how do I tell him? How do I bring this in a good way and calm him down when needed? My social skills are limited and I could use advice.
2) I went to college this year, and now my mom's boyfriend moves in and there's a baby coming up. Those are pretty heavy changes in my life that "undermine" the comfortzone that is our house. Everything I used to know, is changing. People who used to be part of my childhood are dead or have changed. It's difficult for me to adapt to all these new things and new people. How do I do that? Did you ever go through something similar?
3) How can I be supportive of my mom and my new brother/sister? I am 18 years old, and there will be a massive age difference between me and the baby. It's not like my brother who is 2 years my junior. This kid will look at me as an adult, and as a potential rolemodel. I am so much older that it will have to listen to me and I will have to babysit. How do I deal with this?
4) How do I find my personal moment of rest in this house that will be crowded with new (but amazing) people soon?

I really hope you can help me out. I'd really appreciate it.
Enjoy your day!

- Gryffix

 

[Ste11aeres]

1. Don't have good advice about your brother, sorry. Does he have friends, and do you know his friends? Can they help?
2. Make sure to continue to find alone time. Give yourself time to sit and think about things. Maybe it will be helpful to read about babies and stuff. This can prepare you for the reality.
3.a. I think the best way for you to be supportive of your mother is for you to remain the way that it seems you already are: happy for her, happy about the idea of a new person who's come into existence. (Be willing to learn how to change diapers, feed the baby (if your mom's not breastfeeding), etc. The idea of diapers might seem gross at once, but it can actually become an enjoyable caregiving activity. And very young milk-feeding baby's diapers actually don't smell too bad.) You won't have to do those things all the time, but offering to do so once in a while might mean a lot to your mom.
3.b. Just be a good person, which hopefully you already are, and the role-model thing will take care of itself.
4. Depends on the grown members of your family more than on the baby. Hopefully your mom and her boyfriend will understand your need for periods of rest and alone time. Make sure to talk to them about it in advance before the baby is born.

 

[Randomperson]

NT children do not listen to adults, I find that worry hilarious, sorry. If this new sibling does listen to you because you are older, well they are likely on the spectrum...... just saying. NT children are little demons, always screaming and throwing tantrums in my experience.

As to number 4, keep your own personal space, like your room, when you need your own time just go their and have it, maybe make a "do not disturb" sign for your door with the understanding that if someone disturbs you when it is up, it may result in wrath.

 

[photoaddict]

1. Does your mom want you to tell your brother? Unless she specifically told you she wants you to tell him, I wouldn't do it. Most people prefer to share this news themselves, not hand it off to someone else.

2. Adapting to change is always hard. I haven't found any certain way that makes it easier. You just take it one step at a time and try not to stress about what might happen.

3. Love them. For your mom, be involved when she's willing. You can do things like shopping with her for baby things, helping set up the nursery, etc. For the baby, it's as simple as just loving him or her. Take time to hold the baby and talk to him/her. As long as you're willing to do those things, the baby will feel your love and be perfectly content with that. You don't have to worry about later until it comes.

4. Kids often don't listen. They learn who to listen to from experience. If you are confident and gently guide, the baby will learn to follow.

My cousins are spaced out by quite a few years. The oldest 16 when the youngest was born. The next in line was 9 and the last was 3. The older two spent a lot of time helping with parenting type things, but it wasn't forced on them. The 9 year old wanted to. The 16 year old was in high school, so she was focused on those things, more than anything else. Her time with the baby was mostly spent giving her a bottle sometimes and singing to her. They still have a great relationship, though. The sister who was 9 when the baby came has the best relationship, but a big part of that is that she deliberately chose to be constantly involved. She was like a second mom to the baby. Neither of the oldest two had trouble getting respect and being able to babysit, though. The only one who can't get the littlest to follow directions is the one who's only 3 years older.

 

[Sheogorath]

1. Does your mom want you to tell your brother? Unless she specifically told you she wants you to tell him, I wouldn't do it. Most people prefer to share this news themselves, not hand it off to someone else.

She didn't ask me to do this, and I am sure that she's more than willing to tell him herself. But the point is that I know my brother. He doesn't want another brother/sister. And at this age, he still doesn't feel the urge to think about my mother's feelings when he is going to express that. The fact that she put everything aside for us the past 12 years, and she is really happy being pregnant, is not something that will pop up in his 16 year old head. He will throw a tantrum on how he doesn't want this, and he'll probably use the usual threats such as: "I go live with dad".

...Maybe I am not giving my brother enough credit. But this is how I know he can be. This very well could be his first, raw reaction to the news. The reason why I wanted to tell him, is so he can throw that tantrum at me. Because I don't care. He can tell me how he doesn't want it, and how he wants to live with dad now, it won't hurt my feelings. That way, he will be calmed down by the time he discusses it with my mother.

I grew up with him and know him better than anybody else. At moments like this I kind of serve like a bouncy castle in which he can get rid of his energy, pouncing from wall to wall until he got rid of his frustration.

 

[photoaddict]

It's not your place to tell him, unless she specifically told you to. She's a big girl. She can handle his big feelings and his behavior. For now, don't say anything to him. You can offer to tell him, but it has to be ok with your mom before you make a move.

 

[Ste11aeres]

It's not your place to tell him, unless she specifically told you to. She's a big girl. She can handle his big feelings and his behavior. For now, don't say anything to him. You can offer to tell him, but it has to be ok with your mom before you make a move.

He's her brother, not just her mother's son. She already said that she said to her mother that she would tell him; so it sounds like her mother is okay with it.
She doesn't have to be the one to tell him, but I think it's okay if she does.
I have a sister and three brothers, and I know that sometimes siblings prefer to talk to one another, and hear things from one another, rather than their parents.

 

[AsheSkyler]

1. Er, given my relationship with my sister at that age, I probably would have said something like, "look, Mom's having a baby, so you'd better just get over it and deal with it, and don't you dare show your ass to her the next time you see her". There's probably a more tactful way of doing that.

2. Aye, all my changes seemed to happen in bulk. The most recent being I went from having no job and no relationship to having two jobs, started college, got a boyfriend and then husband, and then a kid, all within a two year span. What got me through the first of it was getting up at 4AM before everybody else and working out for an hour and a half to keep my stress down. Whatever your favorite or most helpful indulgent is, now would be a good time to start planning time for it.

3. Just be yourself. Since you are practically a generation ahead, you'll have plenty of good advice to pass on, rather than do like normal siblings and blunder through together. Babies are a breeze, you could brush up plenty of baby care like burping (and farting, definitely learn how to fart the baby), bathing, changing, playing, and the like. If you have a rocking chair, make it your best friend. Toddlers... Pray for deliverance. Or Red Bull. Probably both. (I have a toddler, can you tell ) And then they get easier from there on out, so you just have to be sure and enforce any rules that you or their parents set.

4. How much free time do you have? Would you be able to get up early or stay up late for personal time? Is there a time during the day when you can go for a walk or something? I agree with a previous poster, it wouldn't hurt to set up some boundaries with the parents so you minimize your chance of becoming a basket case. Newborns aren't so bad, but toddlers will certainly do that to you.

 

[Sheogorath]

Thanks for your advice, people. My mom decided it was her job to tell him (which she has been procrastinating). She has a thick skin so I guess it's alright. Thanks for the advice on all the other points.