Advice for a gay person with HFA?

[Naomi]

Are there any gay people with Asperger's, HFA or otherwise on the spectrum here? Because I'd definitely like to get some advice.

Figuring out if two straight people like each other has always struck me as complicated enough, but they can at least assume that they're talking to someone attracted to the opposite gender. Like, how do I tell if a girl is into the same gender? I can't just ask.

I'm asking because I'm remembering a while ago, I had a crush and told her that I thought she was cute. And she said 'that's nice', and I had no idea what she meant by that. It was embarrassing and while I'm not mad at her or anything, my feelings were still hurt. I mean, did she understand what I meant by that? Or did she just pretend not to understand? I was upset for a while after, wishing that she just acknowledged and rejected me instead of 'that's nice'.

I'm over it now, but recently I've started worrying that I'll never find love. I hear about it happening all the time, people who are in their thirties and have never dated anyone. That could be me. I'm already seventeen and lesbians, at most, make up about 5% of the population. The odds are against me. It sounds ridiculous, but that's what I worry about.

The only time I've ever 'dated' anyone was in my sophmore year, with a senior. That was mortifying on it's own because my friend set us up and the only thing we had in common was our sexual orientation. Plus I wasn't sure when to compliment her and how to respond to any sort of advances (I pulled away on instinct when she tried to hug me). It lasted for two weeks, and it ended by us just drifting apart, not any actual break-up.

Does anyone at least relate to this?

 

[grommet]

Naomi,

I met an aspie man in his 60s who had never had a date. So it seems it is possible but it does not mean that would happen to you. It is harder for us. I don't know when someone is flirting. I even have what people think is a funny story about that. Years ago I woke up and saw a woman in my apartment who was a guest of my roommate. She and I talked all morning, while sitting on the couch. I got up and went to the kitchen and when I came back, something was different. There didn't seem any room on the couch for me to sit so I sat on the arm of the couch. The woman (who later became my girlfriend then) had re-arranged the cushions so the only place left for me to sit was next to her. I didn't get it.

That was many years ago and I have not seen the woman in a long time but I have been with my current girlfriend for almost 5 years.

I don't know how you would meet someone and I do think it will be hard because of communication but if you are really interested in someone else I think they feel that and it's enough to start something between you. I never could learn about flirting, I thought I could do it but I certainly never understood when someone else was doing it. Without really changing, I did meet my soulmate.

I think good things could happen for you. I hope so

 

[Naomi]

That's definitely a good point. I have a habit of jumping to the worst conclusion possible.

 

[grommet]

I don't know how we make good things happen for ourselves but it seems to me that feeling good enough about ourselves is important. The way I feel best about myself is being my true self. That is very hard and I can only do it for a little while. The world does not seem safe when I am aspie, so everyday I pretend not to be who I am and it makes things possible. But it makes me unhappy to lie. I am learning to be more honest. The other day I told my girlfriend that I can't count. With great effort I can, but it is very hard. I spend most of the time guessing and using logic to assume the numbers of things I see.

It was hard to tell her that. I had never told anyone.

When I met my girlfriend I wanted to be with her because of what she said. She was interesting. I had no idea what she would say next. That usually does not happen to me. I am almost always bored listening to people because it seems I can guess everything they are about to say, so what's the point? But she was different. Everything she said was new to me. To me. The person who always guessed the endings to everything. Being smart made the world very boring.

But she was smart too and in a different way. I could not match her, only listen. I was delighted and she was so interesting.

We saw each other once a month at a group we were both going to. I would wait all month so that after the meeting I could ask if she was going to lunch with the rest of us. She always said no. I would wait another month. Always no.

Finally I felt this urgency inside me. I don't know if you've read Lord of the Rings (not the films), but there is a moment when a character suddenly knows it's time. I was at home and I sent her an email through the group site, asking her to lunch, just the two of us. I read and re-read what I wrote, making sure it was short. For privacy sake I can't say exactly what she wrote back but it was to say that she could not meet me for lunch.

She was shy. I did not want to push but I was so happy every time I talked to her. Because she was shy I offered her a different kind of date. She could come to an area and walk around and I would follow her from a distance, I would never get close to her. I would just feel happy standing in the place she was just standing. I meant it. I knew that would make me happy. But it moved her enough that she built up her courage and she decided to meet me in person.

It's been close to five years now, the happiest in my life. Relationships are hard and I had to grow up and learn how to be in one. I only had television and films to guide me. They did not help. Being with someone was the only way. We have learned together and it has at times been very hard, but we are happy and as in love as when we met. Her voice on the phone still leaves me speechless. She will often ask if I am still there. I am, just can't talk. I feel a pit of joy when her voice comes on the line and I am stopped.

I liked her. I liked her the way she was and I wanted to spend time with her. I had no tricks, I just knew that she in the simplest way, touched me. So I was totally honest with my feelings and told her that only being where she had just been would make me happy and we met and went on more dates and became family.

You are younger than I am but I don't know how much age affect aspies. I am 47 but I feel the same as when I was young, I don't understand things any better. Just being me, let me meet her. I never could have though something so simple could help me.

So I don't know what you will do but like I said before, maybe if you meet someone you like, somehow that person will know it and if they are interested in you they will have lunch with you or do something else that would let both of you spend time together and then you are friends and then if you really like each other you are something more. I have no guidance, I just hope the best for you.

 

[epath13]

Are there any gay people with Asperger's, HFA or otherwise on the spectrum here? Because I'd definitely like to get some advice.

Figuring out if two straight people like each other has always struck me as complicated enough, but they can at least assume that they're talking to someone attracted to the opposite gender. Like, how do I tell if a girl is into the same gender? I can't just ask.

I'm asking because I'm remembering a while ago, I had a crush and told her that I thought she was cute. And she said 'that's nice', and I had no idea what she meant by that. It was embarrassing and while I'm not mad at her or anything, my feelings were still hurt. I mean, did she understand what I meant by that? Or did she just pretend not to understand? I was upset for a while after, wishing that she just acknowledged and rejected me instead of 'that's nice'.

I'm over it now, but recently I've started worrying that I'll never find love. I hear about it happening all the time, people who are in their thirties and have never dated anyone. That could be me. I'm already seventeen and lesbians, at most, make up about 5% of the population. The odds are against me. It sounds ridiculous, but that's what I worry about.

The only time I've ever 'dated' anyone was in my sophmore year, with a senior. That was mortifying on it's own because my friend set us up and the only thing we had in common was our sexual orientation. Plus I wasn't sure when to compliment her and how to respond to any sort of advances (I pulled away on instinct when she tried to hug me). It lasted for two weeks, and it ended by us just drifting apart, not any actual break-up.

Does anyone at least relate to this?

I would follow the dating routine (that's what I did, mostly with no success but, then again, when I was young I thought straight people didn't exist (long story )
what people usually do: ask a person to have lunch, or dinner together, ask questions about their lives, interests. Ask them if they are interested to visit some other places (whatever you prefer: walk in a park, some concert, exhibit, even just a mall), offer to study together. Maybe on occasion touch them on a shoulder, or hug them to see what their boundaries are. All this only applicable when you can't set things straight right away. You can also start randomly talking about gay issues (some article you've read, video you watched etc). It can make it easier for you to tell about yourself, and/or find out about their opinion. In any case if you do all that most people will get the message and if they are not interested they'll let you know, whether by simply telling you, or by setting new boundaries. Sometimes people might freak out and simply disappear. But in that case, you shouldn't worry because they are obviously not interested. In any case looking for a date online might be easier.

 

[Naomi]

Those are some good ideas. I'm not really one for physical contact unless I know/trust someone, though.

 

[Joel I]

I'm gay and don't understand flirting at all. I've been told a few times that someone was trying to but I had no idea. I've met guys online to date but even talking online is difficult to get some signals. However I've met a really nice guy but I was 30. I only tried to find someone when I was 28 so you've definitely got time.

 

[JuniperBug]

I'm a pansexual AS woman but I've been with a NT woman for the past 4 years. She is much older than me (10 years) as all my previous partners have been and is very extroverted and social. We do so well because we both have failed past long term relationships in which we went to couples counseling with our respective partners and learned a lot about open communication.

My AS actually helps me a lot with being forthright and honest. Our relationship works because we love each other, and we put communication above pride. We met online but neither of us were looking for anything serious. I think sometimes you really do find people when you're not looking.

I know that you don't feel young at seventeen but, logically, you must know that you are. You have time, really. And a lot can change in just a few years. My advice would be that being gay, or on the autism spetrum, or different in any way sucks at 17 but it really does get better.

My best advice is really not to stress about finding a partner and just take your time. The more you focus on yourself now, while you're single, they more you will have to give to a loved one in the future...and the more confidence and self love you create, they more people will gravitate towards you.