Addicted to Approval

[Aspychata]

What do you think about needing constant validation,
something that has been caused in our past as a result of:
poor family upbringing,physical abuse,
neglect, emotional abuse,
generally unloving parents,
broken relationships (love, friends).

Does this effect you or someone you know?

Do we fall into this more........

 

[Autistamatic]

It's not a trait of autism per se, but it is something that can manifest due to factors like those you mention in your post and others. Unfortunately, those factors are ones which appear disproportionately in many autistic lives.
It can swing the other way too. Thanks to my own unhappy experiences, I don't seek approval. I have learned over the years to be able to accept a compliment and see it for what it is, but frankly, I don't give a flying fiddle what anyone thinks most of the time. If I'm not being berated, I must be doing alright

 

[Pats]

I can see how someone on the spectrum could be more vulnerable to that need because often we lack trust in ourselves. And then to add all the previous hurt, it's easy to stop trusting your own decisions - big or small. With your childhood, you are still seeking love and acceptance and have not been successful in finding it and start feeling like the problem must be within yourself, leaving doubts. So you need someone else to say you're okay.
I know for myself, having fallen into the same issues, I used to always look for validation, but now (at 61) I realize that you never really feel the validation unless it comes from yourself.
By the way. You're okay!

 

[Aspychata]

Think l am tired of people constanly trying to validate me. l made this far, l must be doing something right. l don't like people who tell me don't do , don't do that, because you are already there. My choice is doing what l want to do, validating myself, l don't need your input, your approval for anything.

 

[Aspychata]

Wanted to see what people thought and their relationship with such subject.

 

[Aspychata]

It's not an trait of autism per se, but it is something that can manifest due to factors like those you mention in your post and others. Unfortunately, those factors are ones which appear disproportionately in many autistic lives.
It can swing the other way too. Thanks to my own unhappy experiences, I don't seek approval. I have learned over the years to be able to accept a compliment and see it for what it is, but frankly, I don't give a flying fiddle what anyone thinks most of the time. If I'm not being berated, I must be doing alright

That is a great response, once we stop seeking validation, you free yourself.

 

[Fino]

Is it appropriate for you to be making threads about me?

I would love for someone to just tell me exactly what to do all the time. That's why I've stopped dating entirely. Co-dependency's like a drug!

 

[Peter Morrison]

Overcoming the need for validation and acceptance, praise, and simple appreciation isn't easy to unlearn. I see it like a block of stone that diminishes only as you chip parts away. I grew up wanting validation, and I did my best to get it. It rarely came. Even now, I always try to do things well (aka perfectly), and I have come to praise myself for my own achievements on my own criteria. It's exhausting, and I never expect praise. No expectations, no disappointment.

The emotional sadness that comes from always "giving" is the easiest part to chip away. I have stopped concerning myself with pleasing others for recognition or reputation. I learned how to say "no" a number of years back. That first step was worth millions in emotional energy. It was an abrupt change in my usual count-on-me helpful behavior. I'm easily swayed, so I knew to hold onto my convictions. I was simply protecting myself, and it had nothing to do with the others' endeavors and follies where I was volunteered to contribute.

My stone block is about half its original size, maybe even less, and I regret nothing. I'm still challenged by my lack of confidence, and I have been trying to make peace with any abuse I endured in life. The word "forgiveness" pops up a lot when I feel anger and resentment. I just had to recognize where I was extending myself for all the wrong reasons. It's like recognizing a weakness. Respect it and protect it.