Adaptation!!

[GHA]

Adaptation — On Your Terms
For as long as I can remember, the advice given to neurodiverse people has sounded the same: you have to adapt. It comes from books, psychologists, motivational speakers — well-meaning, perhaps — but all reading from the same old playbook.
On paper, it sounds reasonable. In reality, I’ve seen up close how much harder it truly is. Adapting often means working against your natural way of thinking and processing, and that’s more than just “effort” — it can become a daily drain. It can mean constantly adjusting your words, your expressions, even the way you react to things, so they fit into what others expect or recognise as “acceptable.”
This is where exhaustion sets in. When adaptation becomes the main goal, it starts to swallow the very energy you could be using to do what you do best — to think, create, and solve in ways most people can’t. And in my experience, that’s where the brilliance of many neurodiverse minds is lost — not because the ability isn’t there, but because the cost of constant adaptation is too high.
Here’s what the years have taught me: the most sustainable adaptation comes from within. It starts when you truly know your own strengths — the things you can do better, deeper, or differently than the majority — and you make those your anchor. Once you are steady in that, adaptation stops being a constant battle and becomes a skill you can switch on when you choose.
When you know your worth and remain focused and determined, adaptation becomes a subset of who you are. You can use it whenever and wherever it’s useful, but it no longer defines you.
Masking all the time is too much to ask of anyone. Selective adaptation — on your terms — allows you to protect your energy, keep your sense of self, and still navigate situations where blending in serves a purpose. The rest of the time, you lead with your strengths.
I share this not as theory, but as someone who has watched the long-term cost of trying to adapt constantly, and the difference it makes when that adaptation comes from choice rather than pressure.

 

[Outdated]

I adapted very well as a young man. When I left school and started working, pretty much as soon as I turned 16 and was legally able to quit school regardless of my father's wishes, I entered an entirely different world that I'd never experienced before. People were nice to me and treated me with respect and I was learning highly developed skills that would see me in good stead for the rest of my life.

You bet I adapted. I also started learning social skills and that same year met my first serious girlfriend. For a while "how to socialise" was my special interest and I took it very seriously, standing in front of a big mirror and practising facial expressions and body language. I ended up with a large group of friends and I became a bit of a socialite. I still had my odd quirks but no one was bothered by that, instead it just made me stand out and be noticed.

I managed to carve out a fantastic life for myself as sort of an itinerant tradesman, I got to travel my country and see more of it than many manage and I earnt seriously good money while I was at it, which I promptly spent. I had a truly phat time.

Icarus Theorum - I flew too close to the sun for too long. I started burning out in my late 30s and in my early 40s I lost the plot completely and ran away in to the rain forests to live like a feral human. I was homeless for 12 years. I had a great time doing that too until I got too old for it.

It was only in the last few years that I started learning about autism and everything started to make sense to me. I have no regrets though, I've had a great life over all.

 

[Vesta]

Yes, you’re right. Throughout my life, I’ve genuinely sought to integrate into society, but I’ve been unsuccessful. My focus wasn’t on priority tasks, which led to emotional exhaustion and, ultimately, a hatred of people. The feeling of being unable to interact with others intensified after realizing I might be on the autistic spectrum, casting doubt on the practicality of further attempts at socialization.

At this point, I’m virtually completely isolated from society and have fully embraced this way of life. If I had the opportunity, I would have left my parents' home a long time ago.

 

[Judge]

Good question for me.

Did I integrate into mainstream society over the years just to "go along to get along" ?

Nope. I only provided the appearance of integrating into a society that more often than not socially baffles me. Which in hindsight makes me wonder if I could have overcome stage fright to become a great actor?

Maybe in my next life...

 

[GHA]

I adapted very well as a young man. When I left school and started working, pretty much as soon as I turned 16 and was legally able to quit school regardless of my father's wishes, I entered an entirely different world that I'd never experienced before. People were nice to me and treated me with respect and I was learning highly developed skills that would see me in good stead for the rest of my life.

You bet I adapted. I also started learning social skills and that same year met my first serious girlfriend. For a while "how to socialise" was my special interest and I took it very seriously, standing in front of a big mirror and practising facial expressions and body language. I ended up with a large group of friends and I became a bit of a socialite. I still had my odd quirks but no one was bothered by that, instead it just made me stand out and be noticed.

I managed to carve out a fantastic life for myself as sort of an itinerant tradesman, I got to travel my country and see more of it than many manage and I earnt seriously good money while I was at it, which I promptly spent. I had a truly phat time.

Icarus Theorum - I flew too close to the sun for too long. I started burning out in my late 30s and in my early 40s I lost the plot completely and ran away in to the rain forests to live like a feral human. I was homeless for 12 years. I had a great time doing that too until I got too old for it.

It was only in the last few years that I started learning about autism and everything started to make sense to me. I have no regrets though, I've had a great life over all.

Thank you for replying,
I see where you’re coming from. I’ve often thought about how, for many people, the moment to really blossom does eventually come — but if they’ve been adapting constantly and without pause, by the time that moment arrives, they’re already running on empty.
It’s one of the reasons I feel adaptation works best when it’s selective. That way, when the right opportunity appears, the energy and clarity are still there to make the most of it.

 

[Outdated]

At this point, I’m virtually completely isolated from society and have fully embraced this way of life.

I started out in life very differently to you but eventually ended up in the same place.

...which led to emotional exhaustion and, ultimately, a hatred of people.

I hope you can learn to let go of that. Hating causes you stress and harms you.

From an early age I learnt that emotionally I simply don't need people, I was very social but only as long as I was enjoying myself, and if I wasn't enjoying myself I'd leave. Some people thought I was strange in that way, others thought I was rude, tough luck.

None of us knew anything about autism back then but I knew I was abnormal and that I had to cater to my own special needs. I gave myself space when I needed it, which was often. "Not tonight, I'm all peopled out and need a break.". That's the exact words I used and I think mostly because it was completely honest everyone accepted it.

I'm normally very good at spotting patterns but it took me more than 40 years to recognize this one. I was very social, I had a very active social life and I always ended up with more friends and more social commitments than I could handle. This would burn me out and I'd get depressed but I had no idea why this was happening to me. Eventually the whole situation would get too much for me and I had exactly the same answer every time:

Run Away.

I'd make a spur of the moment decision and walk out of that life, flee to another city and start again. Rinse and repeat.

I'm not recommending you do that, but in completely restarting and reinventing my life many times over I learnt some very valuable lessons. I think the most important of those is how to let go and move on in an emotional sense rather than the physical. As long as you keep living in the past you have no future.