A year and nothing has changed

[Starflowerpower87]

I still fantasize about running away. I still want to give up and live in a group home. I know there would be challenges. Based on how the other tenants are, sleep schedule, shower schedule… that would be hard for me if they wanted me to shower in the morning because that’s when I go number 2. I like to shower in the evening before or after supper. Also it would suck to get rid of most of my stuff in my apartment, so that I could fit into one room in a group home.

I’m currently on independent living support. I hate it. I have to set up times to meet with my workers and be with them for hours. I’m not very fond of cleaning so I don’t make a mess in the first place. But I wish I was better at cleaning. I don’t like it when my workers clean because I’m very particular on how I want it done. Most of the time I don’t let them cook either because it makes a mess. I cook at mom’s.

I struggle with my mental health every day. I think I might be getting worse. My hygiene is getting worse. I’ve been neglecting it even more. I’m so burnt out from independent living support and drugged up from my illness that I feel too tired to clean myself. I want to give up and go in a group home. However no one thinks this is a good idea for me.

 

[Starflowerpower87]

I still haven’t showered but I got my hair washed when I got it cut today. I also brushed and flossed. I think tomorrow I’ll be able to shower.

Every weekend I want to go into a group home. That’s when I don’t have staff to assist me with living. I get really lonely on the weekends.

I’ve actually been in a group home to help someone move there and I didn’t like it. They only had one bathroom and it was dirty. The other people there were mentally challenged or mentally ill. There were other things I didn’t agree with.

I think I romanticize them. I dream of a place where I’ll be taken care of. Where I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from. Where I can color in adult colouring books and read all day and go for walks. And just not be alone anymore. I find it hard to make friends because of my condition.

 

[Rodafina]

@Starflowerpower87

Have you ever considered or discussed attending a day program? If you could find a suitable one, this might provide the structure and care that is helpful to you, but you could still return to your own home at the end of the day.

Another idea might be to consider an assisted living situation where you have only 1 or 2 housemates and a couple of staff members in the home. It would be less intense with a more flexible structure than an actual group home.

 

[Starflowerpower87]

I talked to my independent living support worker today. She has had lots of experiences working in group homes. Didn’t really seem like something I would like. But there might be other programs in town I could look into.

I’m not sure why I feel so trapped. My life is someone else’s dream. Not sure why I don’t enjoy it. It could be just the misery of schizophrenia.

Tomorrow there is an event I could go to but lately I feel like going out on my own rather than being in a suffocating group.