A question for NT's and Autistics ...

[Major Tom]

I have practically zero understanding of the concept of money. "Trade in your hours for a handful of dimes" comes to mind whenever the subject comes up.. I just don't get why people spend their whole lives scrounging, back stabbing, and toiling their lives away for pieces of paper that are supposed to mean not only something, but everything. To me life holds more meaning than that.

As you may have read, my father has been diagnosed with a terminal cancer, and it is unknown how long he has left. It was an utter shock, considering I have isolated myself from him and the rest of my family for around 10 years. I've been striving to get ahold of him and thankfully finally did! I am so happy about it. The past few days, we have been talking about the good old days, and plans for the future. It's great to get to know him again.

Anyways, I obviously told my wife who is NT, expecting some kind of consolation etc. Her response was "Does that surprise you, considering the life he's led?" No I'm sorry, nothing.. Then today she said "Wouldn't it be something if he gets married to some 20 year old and gives her all your inheritance?" I sat there shocked for a minute, then said "Whatever makes him happy is OK by me.."

My question is, is this a typical NT response? Or am I married to some heartless gold digger? I could care less if he left me anything. All I want to do is be there for him when he needs me, and get to know him again. I just don't get that question or line of thought at all. Is this typical for both autistics and NT's? I feel very confused, hurt, and annoyed by her response.

 

[FreeDiver]

I think what's happening here is is that your wife(being NT) sees a behavioral pattern in your father that you(being AS) are blind to. Either your wife is being a jerk or she may be warning you that your Father may be up to no good. Either way. It definitely worth looking into.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I have practically zero understanding of the concept of money

consolation etc. Her response was "Does that surprise you, considering the life he's led?" No I'm sorry, nothing.. Then today she said "Wouldn't it be something if he gets married to some 20 year old and gives her all your inheritance?"

To me - link those two statements together.
You have zero understanding.
She may view it more practically. Things need paying for,plans can be made.

What she said appears cruel BUT from statement no.1 your empathy for her viewpoint is low at the moment.

Ie your dads dying. Youre unbalanced, in shock,all that stuff.

Its highly likely she doesnt care about your dad ie doesnt know him.
So it's easier for her to make such a statement.

Also,speaking generally, it's all about the money.
I would say a majority of families say stuff like this.
Standard comments for a dying situation.
Often not meant deeply,like a lot of NT stuff doesnt appear to be.

Although,that being said, my family would make Genghis Khan
look like a milk maid,so maybe I'm biased.

The last sentence was not true by the way.

 

[Streetwise]

I think because we have a neuro developmental disorder we are very childlike and how we understand security, from what I know of psychology your wife is insecure!she derives security from money !
if you've had a secure childhood you wouldn't be concerned with the amount of money you have!but if you haven't had a secure childhood and later life it changes your view on money.
I am autistic! so I wouldn't of thought of what your wife would've thought of ! but I'm insecure about money.

 

[Fitzo]

Unfortunately I think a lot of people's thoughts immediately jump to 'what will happen to the money' as soon as the possibility of someone dying is mentioned. People become like vultures circling! It's quite appalling how greed rears it's ugly head in people who have not really shown it previously.
Many a family have become estranged squabbling over the inheritance. It seems to bring out the absolute worst in people!

I am very sorry to hear about your father.

I guess you know your wife better than anyone else, but her response seems very thoughtless and cold to me.
As for me, money is not important for it's own sake, but only to provide independence. As I am single, I am the only one who I can depend upon. I find the thought of losing my independence through poverty or illness quite terrifying!

 

[SusanLR]

Sounds like a bit of sarcasm on her behalf.
Don't know what she is thinking of him from those remarks. I doubt that she really meant it in a very literal
sort of way, but, it sounds like she doesn't have a high opinion of him for whatever reason.

He's your Dad and of course the illness and onset of death is your main feeling right now. I know it would be with me.
I lost my Mom to cancer and Dad to heart disease.
I've seen some of the most intense things that many will never see another human suffer through.
I did have the fact in mind that final expenses had to be
planned and paid for. I knew we wouldn't have it all when the time came so I started paying for it in advance and just in time.

@Streetwise I have insecurity about money also.
And the older you get, when you don't have any, the
more insecure it becomes.

 

[Major Tom]

Sounds like a bit of sarcasm on her behalf.
Don't know what she is thinking of him from those remarks. I doubt that she really meant it in a very literal
sort of way, but, it sounds like she doesn't have a high opinion of him for whatever reason.

He's your Dad and of course the illness and onset of death is your main feeling right now. I know it would be with me.
I lost my Mom to cancer and Dad to heart disease.
I've seen some of the most intense things that many will never see another human suffer through.
I did have the fact in mind that final expenses had to be
planned and paid for. I knew we wouldn't have it all when the time came so I started paying for it in advance and just in time.

@Streetwise I have insecurity about money also.
And the older you get, when you don't have any, the
more insecure it becomes.

I hope it was just sarcasm, but I'm not too sure. All I know is if her mother wound up with cancer my response would be vastly different.

 

[Streetwise]

Sounds like a bit of sarcasm on her behalf.
Don't know what she is thinking of him from those remarks. I doubt that she really meant it in a very literal
sort of way, but, it sounds like she doesn't have a high opinion of him for whatever reason.

He's your Dad and of course the illness and onset of death is your main feeling right now. I know it would be with me.
I lost my Mom to cancer and Dad to heart disease.
I've seen some of the most intense things that many will never see another human suffer through.
I did have the fact in mind that final expenses had to be
planned and paid for. I knew we wouldn't have it all when the time came so I started paying for it in advance and just in time.

@Streetwise I have insecurity about money also.
And the older you get, when you don't have any, the
more insecure it becomes.

got to disagree with getting older and insecurity about money I've always been insecure ,I think it just depends on whether you've got support if you have support then it's easier.

 

[Crossbreed]

My dad passed away three years ago.

1. He didn't have a lot of assets at the end, so their distribution wasn't all that important to me.
2. If he had a lot of assets, I would have been fine with a reasoned distribution among all of his heirs.
3. Had he been lavishly rich, I would have been suspicious of any last-minute, unlikely marriage. But that is completely theoretical.

While he was at the end of his life, all thoughts about my inheritance were really "on the back burner."

The rest of the time, I don't really seek out extra money if our needs are being met. It only takes on more weight when we have an unavoidable expense arise that we are unable to normally cover.

 

[Major Tom]

All that being said, I do hold a job and we don't want for anything. Well at least I don't. I have enough. I have a roof over my head and food on the table. My needs are met.

 

[Suzanne]

It is usually aspies that come out with responses like your nt wife and I am one.

I cannot stand my husband's remaining family; and so, my husband knows to not ask me certain questions, because I find I cannot pretend sentiment when I never liked in life or before illness took over.

The thing is, that perhaps your wife is not blind to what your father is like and well, you chose to not be in contact with him for 10 years for a reason, so surely what she says has a lot of truth behind them?

As to your father, cancer obviously left alone, is a killer; but actually people die from chemo and the complications of that, much more than cancer itself. Cancer does not cause hair to fall out and one to get really sick; it is the chemicals being pumped in that does that.

Many mock natural therapy and yet, those who do go the natural route, never get cancer back and I mean: 30 or so year's, still cancer free.

Just yesterday, this lady said that her brother has cancer, but due to medical negligence for something else, he has been in a legal battle for 8 years, despite the surgeon acknowlding that he is to blame and now, he cannot mention he has cancer, because they will stop the proceedings and he will lose everything. Stupid aspie brain did not connect the dots, but what I should have said: if he cannot get chemo, then what has he got to lose for trying the natural route? I hope I get the chance to say this.

 

[pjcnet]

What your wife said doesn't sound very pleasant, almost like she's accusing you of being close to your father because you're interested in the inheritance which I know isn't true, but are you certain she wasn't saying it in a sarcastic or joking way and you are wrongfully taking it too literally because as you most probably already know, taking things literally is a common trait of people on the autistic spectrum?

Unfortunately because of the way society operates, money is extremely important for virtually everyone, the only way money wouldn't be important in some way would be if you lived a self sustained lifestyle away from the main part of society in a very remote location. If you live in normal Western society you still have to pay bills and buy things from the shops to survive even if money is less important to you than most people. The vast majority of people seek money and want as much as possible, many will spend their entire life chasing it, although there's a very small minority of people who are truly satisfied with what they've got and aren't interested in wanting any more. Money itself is only valuable because other people recognise it as having value and it can therefore be exchanged for goods and services, yes bank notes themselves are almost worthless pieces of paper. In the UK banks notes are printed like an "I owe you", the Bank of England promises to pay the bearer on demand the sum of for instance 10 Pounds, this used to be in gold and you could effectively really demand it, although many countries don't even have the actual gold to backup all the money any more and in many ways money is almost a scam because powerful governments can choose to print as much or as little of it as they see fit.

The new type of "currency"** is cryptocurrency, E.g. Bitcoin is the most popular, but they have nothing in value to back them up, so really Bitcoins are completely worthless, yet even though the trade price has currently dropped, they're still buying and selling for approx $8,500 each at the time of writing which is about 8 times more than this time last year. The only reason Bitcoin and any other cryptocurrencies are trading for anything at all is because people see them as valuable and are willing to pay for them because they know that other people will pay for them too, yet they're just digital information that were created out of nothing. In fact anyone can setup a new crypto currency (yes it's very easy and there's websites that will even do it for you), I could for instance issue 1 billion pjcnetcoins and say they're worth 1 Cent each, if people actually started buying them at 1 Cent each they'd suddenly have value, then if all 1 billion were sold and people still wanted to buy them, the price would increase to encourage people to sell the pjcnetcoins that they already own. It's a crazy situation because there's new crypto currencies appearing every day and that's one reason why crytocurrencies including the most popular, Bitcoin are now so controversial, many people believe they will all eventually revert back to 0 trade value because they're truly worthless, while others believe they'll take over the world as a global currency.

**The USA ruled that cryptocurrencies are an asset, not a currency at the time of writing.

 

[Bella Pines]

Good for her, a measured and logical response. Did the two of you switch bodies at some point without realizing?

Remember, she doesn't know this man. Your issues and emotions are yours and yours alone. Better she speaks the facts than fakes grief and offers some empty consolation. Inheritance however is an awful topic, I've seen it rip families apart as they fight over scraps. Good she brings it up, sensible to talk about it but dangerous to depend on it.

 

[Progster]

Your wife is probably thinking in practical terms: people need money firstly for their own survival, and secondly they desire it to improve their quality of life. People need money to provide for themselves and their family, and I think that there is an ingrained instinct in most people to acquire money. Money = food and shelter. Your wife probably does not have the same emotional attachment to your dad as you do, so she sees things in purely practical, and not emotional terms. She doesn't have a vested emotional interest in your dad, but she does have an emotional vested interest in providing for her family, and money provides the means to do that. I have been accused of being mean in the past, too, when actually, I am just being practical.

However, what strikes me as being wrong about the whole attitude towards inheritance in general is that people are acting as though the money were theirs even before the person dies. This is totally wrong and out of order! The money belongs to the person who earned it right up the the day they die and the papers are signed for it to pass to someone esle. So nobody has the right to tell a dying person what to do with their money - they earned the money and have a right to do with it as they please. Perhaps they have a bucket list and want to travel the world, and they might want to spend it all on that. Have the relatives the right to deny that person the thing that would give them happiness and a better quality of life in their final days? Certainly not, that would be extremely selfish. They should be happy for the person and support them, and not just think about money. Until the day we die we are alive, and have the right do as we please with our lives - and money.

 

[Major Tom]

Your wife is probably thinking in practical terms: people need money firstly for their own survival, and secondly they desire it to improve their quality of life. People need money to provide for themselves and their family, and I think that there is an ingrained instinct in most people to acquire money. Money = food and shelter. Your wife probably does not have the same emotional attachment to your dad as you do, so she sees things in purely practical, and not emotional terms. She doesn't have a vested emotional interest in your dad, but she does have an emotional vested interest in providing for her family, and money provides the means to do that. I have been accused of being mean in the past, too, when actually, I am just being practical.

However, what strikes me as being wrong about the whole attitude towards inheritance in general is that people are acting as though the money were theirs even before the person dies. This is totally wrong and out of order! The money belongs to the person who earned it right up the the day they die and the papers are signed for it to pass to someone esle. So nobody has the right to tell a dying person what to do with their money - they earned the money and have a right to do with it as they please. Perhaps they have a bucket list and want to travel the world, and they might want to spend it all on that. Have the relatives the right to deny that person the thing that would give them happiness and a better quality of life in their final days? Certainly not, that would be extremely selfish. They should be happy for the person and support them, and not just think about money. Until the day we die we are alive, and have the right do as we please with our lives - and money.

I couldn't have said that last bit better myself. I want my dad to be happy in his final days. I can and do provide for myself, I don't feel that he owes me anything. He already gave me the gift of life.
I get the practicality aspect too, but it's not as if we are living in a tent eating rodents for breakfast,lunch, and dinner.. I think we all should be happy for what we do have and not long for or feel owed for what we don't have.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Dark humor alert :

How much has he got?

I'll marry him.

(Hope that's ok, laughing sometimes works when I've been in similar situations)

 

[Major Tom]

Dark humor alert :

How much has he got?

I'll marry him.

(Hope that's ok, laughing sometimes works when I've been in similar situations)

Lol he's not into guys unfortunately Sorry to burst your bubble.. lol

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Lol he's not into guys unfortunately Sorry to burst your bubble.. lol

Hey but I'm pretty hot

 

[Major Tom]

Good for her, a measured and logical response. Did the two of you switch bodies at some point without realizing?

Remember, she doesn't know this man. Your issues and emotions are yours and yours alone. Better she speaks the facts than fakes grief and offers some empty consolation. Inheritance however is an awful topic, I've seen it rip families apart as they fight over scraps. Good she brings it up, sensible to talk about it but dangerous to depend on it.

I don't particularly see anything good about her negativity. She does know him (we've been married 15 years). He's not a bad guy, just has a problem with alcohol and is most likely a high functioning autistic like me. I can't hold his flawed coping methods against him, as I have my own. I just feel it's wrong when doom is impending to immediately start thinking about money, but from the replies so far, maybe that's just my flawed autie reasoning.

 

[LucyPurrs]

Actually Tom, my reaction to what your wife said is similar to yours and I am kind of surprised at so many responses that seem to be legitimizing what your wife said. She may see your father a bit more objectively but that doesn't mean she should ignore your feelings about what is happening. So I beg to differ. I hope you get the chance to repair your relationship with father and it's all good.