a little chaotic question-not-question about stimming and passing

[HowToMe]

Hi, I'm new.
I've been suspecting being on the spectrum for a quite long time, but just recently I mentioned it to my therapist (depression, anxiety, trouble making connections with people and going to school). She said she was thinking about it too, and now we are heading more into that direction when we talk every week.
Anyways, my question is a bit specific here, but I'm not exacly sure how to put it well.
I used to stim a lot when I was a kid. Kindergarten, primary school... I got scolded for rocking while reading ("Jewish people do that when they pray!" and stuff), popping joints, blinking with one of my eyes intensively and stuff... Those were very visible, so I was quickly thaught to stop, and by middle school, they were gone. Now, when I'm around people, I only bite my nails and insides of my mouth. At home I can jump, flap one of my hands, make pigeon sounds and touch my scalp etc. as I please, but around people, I'd feel very embarassed to do that... Because of that, any long being-around-people situations leave me exhausted and in need of a detox. I need to restrain myself all the time, pretend that I understand when I don't, and I've gotten so used to it by now that it felt normal to me to skip school 3-2 days a week just to regain my strenght.
I heard it's called "passing" here. Should I continue to do it or let myself be a little more me, even around people? What I'm scared of is that I won't be able to relax anymore... That't it won't come naturally, that I got too used to being stiff and rigid, even if it's painful.
I feel that the older I get (I'm 16 now), the more passing it takes to pass, if you know what I mean. That leads to more weariness. If I let myself go even a bit, I'm worried that I'd be seen as more and more odd as I get older... Anybody ever felt this way?

 

[AsheSkyler]

Welcome!

For the sake of sanity it usually is a good idea to be able to pass at least a bit. I'd recommend easing up a bit so it's not so exhausting when you have to be stuck around people for long periods of time and it won't drain you so much. Fingers and toes and maybe leg bouncing tend to be some safe external stims.

Some of the social pressure should ease up a bit once you get out of school. College was certainly more relaxed for me than dealing with a bunch of judgmental teenagers.

 

[Progster]

I don't know where you live, but how far people will accept the idiosyncracies and eccentricities of others, including stimming, very much depends on the culture you live in. I've always been a fidgeter - I'm always moving or doing something with my hands such as playing with my hair, rubbing my hands, bouncing my leg, and nobody has ever tried to stop me or tell me that I shouldn't be doing it. And why should they? After all, I'm not doing anyone any harm. I wouldn't feel bad about that kind of stim or try to suppress it. NTs stim too, and doing a stim like playing with your keys or bouncing your leg, for example, is normal and unlikely to attract negative attention. However, some stims may be considered antisocial by others, not necessarily because they make you look different, but because they might annoy people, for example loud vocal stims, whistling (ugh, I hate this one!) tapping a pen or cracking joints. Humming is usually ok, though. As a rule of thumb I avoid doing things which are likely to draw negative attention to myself by annoying people, but I don't suppress other stims which don't disturb others, even if they do make me seem different.

 

[Datura]

I think this is a tricky issue. Part of me wants to say that others should just be more accepting and that what I do with my body is my business. If I want to tap rhythms on my forehead what harm am I doing to anybody else? Everyone else should just get over it.

The unfortunate reality is that we can't change the way people are, at least not alone and not all at once. It is much easier to modify one's own behavior, and doing anything that will make you look "odd" or be annoying to others is generally inadviseable. I used to pace around shaking strings, and I don't think it did my social life any favors. Pretending to guide the flight of birds with hand gesture also didn't go over well. Sometimes you have to compromise.

I think the best strategy is to find stims that are minimally noticeable or more socially acceptable. I think that fidget toys are a great idea as they are easily concealed and don't really look odd when you play with them. I have also heard of people cutting out pieces of fabric with certain textures which they can rub to soothe themselves. Even standard items, like key chains and jewelry can make for good stiming. Chewable jewelry is also a thing now, though that might be a bit of a social grey area, and is probably more acceptable for teenage girls than any other demographic. Try checking out Stimtastic.