A break, and something I wanted to bring up

[Misery]

I hate doing this sort of post. I'm gonna get this out all in one go.


I'm gonna leave for a bit, take a break. I'm not sure how long. Well, a break in more ways than one. I'm still like, stapled directly to Steam, so I'm still on there. But for a bit at least... I gotta drop everything else.

I want to talk a little bit about why though.

I've been on this forum for like, years now. Good grief. Generally this has been a safe place. Or at least it was.

Something has changed here, and I'm not like, 100% sure what it is. But I find myself getting aggravated more easily even at things I should not get aggravated about. Heck, there's been times where it's like, I'm posting in a thread (or maybe not even posting in it), reading it, and just POP, and I need to step away to cool down, and then I come back and look and it's like... what the heck even got me? I cant find anything.

But I think it's just sort of a lot of little things, here and there, often subtle, sometimes a bit less, but happening more and more as time goes on. And that builds up, and sooner or later I just start jumping at shadows. And then I feel like a doofus for awhile immediately afterwards.

Overall, it's just been... I dunno. Little subtle hurtful or problematic things here and there. Sometimes it's stuff that's a bit of like, bigotry, I guess. Whether it's misogyny or of course anything that seems transphobic (is the one I'm going to spot most easily). Though it always seems like misogyny is the one that pops up the most often. Heck if I know why.

Sometimes it's stuff that's like, not bigotry or anything, just... oddly mean, you know? Where it's like... kinda surprising to see someone say that in this place, whatever "that" might be. And every now and then, something that almost looks or feels like bullying, I guess. I dunno. I dont mean stuff that's directed at me specifically, mind you. In most cases, it's just things I spot but am not engaged with, if that makes sense.

It's... hard to explain what I'm getting at, but I know some of you know exactly what I'm talking about. Every now and then someone makes an agitated post or profile update about exactly this stuff. And I've had a few conversations about this with others (outside of the forum, a lot of direct talks I have usually dont go through here) who have told me pretty much the same thing. Including a couple of people that just outright left the forum because of it.

And just... I dunno, this place seems less safe? Less accepting? Angrier? Both more frustrating and more frustrated? Something? I'm having a very hard time pinning this down here. Part of it is MAYBE the bit where I've had enough caffeine to kill an elephant, but also it's just hard to describe this stuff sometimes.

Heck, it's hard to define what the specific trigger point for this post finally happening is. I'm... not quite sure what got me to pop this time. But, the specifics of one bit isnt that important when it's a lot of little bits adding up over time that eventually does it. That last straw on that flattened camel doesnt have to be a big straw, after all.


Am I making any sense here? Others who have posted about this have been a lot better at explaining it. I always get tangled in my own words when talking about this sort of thing, here or elsewhere. But, I wanted to bring it up directly, as I just felt it was important to do so. Particularly as I've found myself holding back in a lot of ways for quite awhile now. Not seeking assistance when needed... even for topics that are pure autism... and just like... hiding under the table more and more. Heck, I've realized: back when I came out as trans here, that was fine. I'd no trouble doing that at the time. But now... if it was now instead of then, there's NO WAY I'd consider doing that here. I'd have kept it hidden. Doesnt feel safe.

But it's not healthy to keep doing that. IRL, I've been told that one multiple times in recent weeks. It occurs to me, there might be others who are doing the same thing; holding back when they could use some help, for the very reasons I'm talking about.


I dont know if bringing all that up just now will accomplish anything, but maybe it's better to just get that out there rather than keep it bottled up.

Well, the other reason I'm making this topic is because, every time I vanish from anywhere for a bit or have a hiatus, even if it's only a week or two, I always get a bunch of worried messages from people in various places. Every time. So I'll just say: no reason to worry. It's just a break, I'm just overloaded and frustrated, and that's a good point to take a break.

A break from the whole blasted internet really. Not just here. I mean... Steam, still, because it's always running if I'm gaming or using a very specific fractal app, but other than that. I've found that any break just doesnt work if I'm still latched onto anything else in this blasted browser. Ya gotta go whole hog with this, half of a hog just doesnt work.

I'll still be checking direct messages and such, but other than that, yeah. Break time.

I think the best thing is to just focus on my non-internet hobbies for awhile, like REALLY focus, and see what that does. I got a new board game today, Terraria, and yet more content for Final Girl (my personal favorite board game), so that's likely my main activity for a time.


Okay this was all a bit more incoherent than usual but seriously, that caffeinated elephant would have just exploded by now.


Also I apologize if anything I've said here causes any agitation or anything, it aint meant to. Well, I mean, I'm getting MYSELF all agitated, I think that's enough soda.


I'll see y'all in awhile. A couple of weeks, tops.

 

[Hazel_1914]

Hey Sophie

I think I get what you're going at. It does seem a bit odd now. The vibes of the Forum have definitely changed.

People here liked me as a boy, but I didn't like myself. I take changes to like myself more and many people don't like that even though it quite literally doesn't affect them. Oh well, their loss.

See you in a few weeks or whenever's right!

 

[MC1Rcat]

Hi Sophie, I definitely know what you mean about this forum being different than it used to be. I find that I am not coming here as much in the past year, and am posting much less than I did a year or 2 ago. Mostly because of seeing threads that I am bothered by and do not want to engage in, or even finish reading through sometimes. There used to be more interesting content here and it was a more positive, safe and supportive environment. Perhaps people felt safer and were more interested in posting things back then. Now, unfortunately, I feel it is not like that as much. It is hard to explain what it is exactly. It just seems a bit more of a hostile environment on a lot of the threads....or at least the potential for it to become that way seems more likely. That has kept me from posting as much, because I don't want to get sucked into that kind of thing. For example, I have seen a few times recently, that someone will start out with asking a really interesting question or an interesting topic, and then the thread gets taken over by others and derailed into a negative conversation that is a tangent of the original topic. Misogyny is a disturbing theme I have seen more often than I would like, as well as political intolerance (I have political threads turned off) and judgemental attitudes, or extreme egotism and people having to be "right", while making others "wrong" about topics. I don't know what ever happened to congenial conversation and open mindedness. I know from experience that it is possible to have disagreements in conversation that feature these elements and don't turn ugly... but I don't see it as much. Perhaps this is because of what is going on in the world these days, people in general are more polarized in their beliefs, angry, and intolerant of others being different from them. All of the problems I see on here are things I see IRL as well. It seems like the concepts of "agreeing to disagree" and enjoying hearing perspectives and experiences /learning from others who are different is just not so common in the world today. I keep hoping that things will change, and things like cooperation, love, kindness and compassion for others will come back into mainstream society again.

There are still some really great and supportive people here, who have been here for years. Both you and Hazel are some of them...and I keep coming back every now and then to see if things have gotten better here. In time, I hope it will get better, because I think it is really important to have a community of supportive people to come to when you live with ASD..... especially with the way the world is these days. For now, I tend to gravitate to the member's only posts and the games mostly.... because I want to be in touch with other people like me, so I don't feel so alone in the world.