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A bit depressed & very loney

I had a stroke, previously had thoughts on how it the world works ever since seen to get connections ever few days one piece at a time. so far put it all on a thread I started on physics .
 
Oz67 said:
Because I have unconventional beliefs and I need to focus on specific reality that I exist in, not quantum mechanics theories.
Click to expand...
That sounds very reasonable.

Rather than going deep into theories,
staying grounded in what might be described as
*everyday life.*
 
Ever since I got moved away from my grandparents at age 6, I have always felt alone. That I am fighting for myself.

Though depression came after the crippling rage and anxiety of dealing with a woman that has no business being a mother. And a father who eludes understanding in alot of ways. Mostly due to being habitually absentee in my life, in every way that counts.

I still have days where everything is black and white. And I don't mean my thought process, though that plays a factor. But just the dim lense I see things through in depression and in my own self-loathing. To live a colorless existence. I can't call what I've done a life. It's not living.

It's become mentally exhausting being THAT negative, anymore. I hate it.
 
Xinyta said:
Ever since I got moved away from my grandparents at age 6, I have always felt alone. That I am fighting for myself.

Though depression came after the crippling rage and anxiety of dealing with a woman that has no business being a mother. And a father who eludes understanding in alot of ways. Mostly due to being habitually absentee in my life, in every way that counts.

I still have days where everything is black and white. And I don't mean my thought process, though that plays a factor. But just the dim lense I see things through in depression and in my own self-loathing. To live a colorless existence. I can't call what I've done a life. It's not living.

It's become mentally exhausting being THAT negative, anymore. I hate it.
Click to expand...

I sometimes have psychopathic delusions about my parents.

They are sometimes so annoying when they get mad at each other, they yell with their idiotic voice coming out of their mouth and sometimes threw stuff and break and threw stuff at each other, lucky they did not injure themselves. That was when we lived in a apartment. I developed symptoms of CDU and PTSD and wanted to commit class B or A on my parents at 3 AM when I was an older minor at ages 13-17.

But our new home is good and my family and I have enough space and my parents fight less and come up with solutions for each other.
 
Xinyta said:
Ever since I got moved away from my grandparents at age 6, I have always felt alone. That I am fighting for myself.

Though depression came after the crippling rage and anxiety of dealing with a woman that has no business being a mother. And a father who eludes understanding in alot of ways. Mostly due to being habitually absentee in my life, in every way that counts.

I still have days where everything is black and white. And I don't mean my thought process, though that plays a factor. But just the dim lense I see things through in depression and in my own self-loathing. To live a colorless existence. I can't call what I've done a life. It's not living.

It's become mentally exhausting being THAT negative, anymore. I hate it.
Click to expand...

I felt embarrassed for having ASPD+P delusions of second-degree murder or manslaughter, my parents scared me so much after fights from 11 years ago. That is why I hid them, because I still knew it is a serous crime.
 
CDU is short for Conduct Disorder Unspecified.
ASPD+P means Antisocial Personality Disorder with psychopathic features
 
Oz67 said:
I sometimes have psychopathic delusions about my parents.

They are sometimes so annoying when they get mad at each other, they yell with their idiotic voice coming out of their mouth and sometimes threw stuff and break and threw stuff at each other, lucky they did not injure themselves. That was when we lived in a apartment. I developed symptoms of CDU and PTSD and wanted to commit class B or A on my parents at 3 AM when I was an older minor at ages 13-17.

But our new home is good and my family and I have enough space and my parents fight less and come up with solutions for each other.
Click to expand...

I've never really like admitting this. But I have came very close, a couple times in my life, to wanting to commit murder of my stepmother. My overall hatred of her was enough, that it felt justified. But I stopped myself and decided against it.

It's the only time in my life that I felt that way about someone.
 
Xinyta said:
I've never really like admitting this. But I have came very close, a couple times in my life, to wanting to commit murder of my stepmother. My overall hatred of her was enough, that it felt justified. But I stopped myself and decided against it.

It's the only time in my life that I felt that way about someone.
Click to expand...

We really need to be very careful about what we say online, we don't want the police to get involved.
 
Xinyta said:
I've never really like admitting this. But I have came very close, a couple times in my life, to wanting to commit murder of my stepmother. My overall hatred of her was enough, that it felt justified. But I stopped myself and decided against it.

It's the only time in my life that I felt that way about someone.
Click to expand...

I do empathize with you :(
 
Oz67 said:
We really need to be very careful about what we say online, we don't want the police to get involved.
Click to expand...
Big Brother.webp
 
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