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Xinyta

Xinyta

Seeking myself in a unusual world 35 From Illinois
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  • Xinyta
    My day has been pretty good so far. Started walking again recently, and did it today early after I woke up. Helped my Uncle put some soup together, did a bit of yard clean up, and went to the post office.

    No serious problems, so far. Not feeling negative in the slightest.
    Xinyta
    Happiness is a hard thing to come by for me. But I have found that there is nothing to hate myself for either. Once I strip away all my immature justifications to try and hate myself, it seems nothing is close to as horrible as I've made it.

    I have nothing stopping me but me, at this point. Now what am I going to do about that?
    Xinyta
    I grow increasing frustrated with my issues. Namely because I am now far more aware of how much I allow my trauma to impair my capability to live. Yet I continue like nothing will change and I KNOW I'm doing it.

    Now I am left asking questions that I NEED to answer for the good of my health and sanity.
    jsilver256
    jsilver256
    You cut out caffeine, I can't even do that lol. Don't underestimate yourself. You have no debt, no (drug) addictions, etc. That puts you ahead a lot of people. The only feedback I'd have is that you balance out what you want for the future with dealing with your past trauma. I feel like I'm getting to know the past Xinyta, but I want to know the future Xinyta too.
    Xinyta
    I'm 35 years old. 35. Yet I allow a worthless humanbeing of a stepmother and absentee father rule how I live my life. Not even them in person doing it. Thier presence is in my head. My own psychosis. I wait for parents who will NEVER change, and expect answers from them. Ones they will not give.
    Xinyta
    20240508_214605.jpg

    20240508_214652.jpg


    These are two bookmarks I own. One was made by a professional furry artist(anthro tigress). The other(human fluttershy) was from a friend my ex-roommate, from my time on my own, knew.

    The human fluttershy one is being used for my recently purchased Unmasking Autism book.
    Xinyta
    I'm feeling good about myself still. Plenty to work on, but it's not as hard. Still difficult, but not the choir I made it out to be.
    Xinyta
    Well today has been a great day. I have been more on top of things today than I've been in some time. I also had some really good food. A variation on spaghetti and meatballs with different pasta noodles. Also, my Uncle and I had some if the cake I made the day before. It was very good and I'm pleased it came out well. We also had ice cream with the cake.
    Xinyta
    Maybe I have more confidence than before, but I am more and more feeling like I can do this. That the feeling I have more control than before.

    The fact that I could "I can do it" in response to if I could overcome my old thoughts.
    Xinyta
    Now that I see what needs to be done. I now have a whole world of fixes that need to be done. One at a time.
    Xinyta
    My non-existent sense of identity is something I now am starting to get. I am trying to be something I'm not. And amalgamation of traits I took from others, are part of a mismatched puzzle I cannot complete.
    View previous comments…
    T
    thejuice
    What makes you do that?
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    Fear does. Old fears and a built up habit, turned instinct, to hide from anything, once it happens. Giving time for something to build up a negative in my head, causes overwhelm. Both people and tasks are this way.

    Removing the time to think about it, seems to mitigate it.
    T
    thejuice
    That's exactly what I'm going through right now to be honest. I'm playing dead in bed to avoid everything. A stubborn refusal to face the world.
    Xinyta
    I feel, for once, I have some semblance of peace. I am not feeling anxiety. I'm not feeling depression. I am not feeling completely worthless.
    Xinyta
    I watched The Accountant tonight. I am floored by how good it is. And the main character Chistopher Wolf, is a High Funtioning Autistic. I personally feel like I could relate to alot of his behaviors and habits.
    tree
    tree
    Saw this a couple nights ago. Enjoyed his flat affect delivery. And the scene of the farm family, him coming up with loop holes for them, was great.
    Xinyta
    Xinyta
    I have to agree. Ben Affleck did a good job with portraying those aspects. In fact, I do feel that the movie in general give a better representation of ASD, since it's not just limited to Christopher Wolf. But shows others with varying severity and behaviors.

    Though the father making the choice to expose Christopher to more of what would trigger his Autism, than trying to reduce it, is a interesting approach.
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