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Wonder (dont mind my bad english)

why me i wonder?
why should i be the one
to have this mess i my head?

i feel i need to be someone else,
someone who can help others.
but why? why do i feel this,
why do these toughts pound my head.
have i done something to be given this,
this endless caos?
this caos of confusing and draining mess?

its as caotic and confusing as an rambling old man,
meeningless and random.
anything that can be tought of is tought.
its like someone is telling me something but they are to far away
so i cant hear them correctly.

missleading and angry sometimes,
i need to focus my mental strenght.
trying to block some but there are too many.
one tought fades and another takes its place.

hope im not going mad.
people dont understand me,
its usless to make them understand.
it takes too much out of me,
im drained of strenght,
so i hide away in my little corner of my mind.
its big and cosy, and no toughts, i hid the key!

if they get in i explode in rage.
its scary, to not be in control of my own actions,
but they keep on comming, endless and ruthless.
ripping me apart from the inside.

i dont think anybody can handle the things i see im my mind,
they are not bad or scary, but they are so many, and i cant
seperate them to keep or remove them from my mind.

its hard to seperate a single tought when you can see and hear everything that happens
around you at all times, i try to train my mind to handle them
but sometimes they overtake me completly,
and they spill in to my wake mind.

they say that the devil is in the details, wel if thats true
the devil is everywere,
every detail
every smell
every place
every sound
everything i have ever done, heard, smelled, touched, done, been,
i remember them all.
most people cant understand that, and i get that.
but most people dont or wont try to understand either,
thats the thing that makes me the most angry,
if they cant understand, they make fun or hate you.

many times ive tryed to make people understand what goes on in my head.
but its usless, they cant understand even if they tried for years,
so i kinda dumb my self down a bit, and just stay in the backround, listening
and observing trying to better my self so that i can
interact with them on a level that they can understand and follow.
it takes alot of practise, but over the years ive come to master it i think.

now people dont notise anything strange, they think im just like them,
it has saved me many times.
but its still a huge effort to have to think trough every thing our going
to say each time im talking to someome.
and too many peopole to talk to is the worst,
my mind gets over heated and shuts down.
so i pull back and watch again for a while.

and i come back after a while to join.
i join and let them talk about what ever, and i jump in when its
appropriate, to not make a fool of my self, like so many times before.
to not be in controll of the tolerance of my mind is not a good feeling,
i kinda just have to wait and see what happens and play it by ear.

i have Asberger syndrome.


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