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The Optimistic

Once upon a time I was a very positive and optimistic person, but as time passes I find myself wondering if that optimism was misplaced.

Don't get me wrong, I have many wonderful things to be optimistic about, namely my family of which I have recently made a wonderful addition. But there are also many other things that I put a lot of energy in because I was so certain of their success, but in hindsight the extra energy committed just made the defeat so much more bitter. To name a couple things just in recent memory, my puppy that I unfortunately had to put down, and the game of hot potato that the hospital seems to be playing with my person of which I am the unwilling participant.

To outline the two events in sequential order; the puppy that I received to the concept I have to ask what could possibly go wrong? After all it is a young health puppy with years ahead of it, (or so it would seem), but no, it was sick with a very deadly virus. And through all of the treatment I had the utmost in optimism, and was continuously assured that little can go wrong as there is a 95%+ success rate with aggressive treatment. To which I felt the only right thing to do was to pursue said treatment as the money was nothing to me in comparison of the life that was balanced against it. But after all the treatments which had a cost to the sum of $1600, I was unfortunately forced to put him down, after which I would discover that he had a rare mutation of the virus that was far more deadly and he was doomed form the get go. After everything that I put into that dog, when it died I felt like I left a piece of myself with it, I have never felt so hurt by the loss of a pet as I was on that day.

After the dust began to settle from that affair I turned my sights to the positive things in my life to try and keep my mind off of the hurt I felt. I looked to my unborn daughter who would be here very soon, and my health care which after much trial and tribulation would seem to be falling into place as it should. But the day after my daughter would arrive I would receive an email from my primary care manager that would inform me that the department of the army has decided to move my new doctor into a new position from which I would no longer receive treatment from her. This is particularly troubling as I have seen this doctor once since she was assigned to me, and she was assigned to me as the exact same thing occurred with my last Doctor. To date I have gone through some 17 doctors in a period of 30 months, in my opinion that is absurd. I have lost Doctors to any combination of the following; they were reassigned to a new position, they promoted and could no longer retain their current position at the higher pay scale, the moved to a new army installation, they were suddenly deployed to the middle east, they were filling in until a new doctor was assigned etc. You get the ides, about the time I establish care I have to start over and fill in the next doctor on what exactly is going on. This has grown old, and I have gone and complained but the best explanation I have received thus far is that they aren't doing it on purpose, I am just cursed.

I think the best course of action for me at present in order to maintain my sanity is to give up on optimism for the time being. While being "realistic" leaves the outward appearance of being bitter or jaded, sometimes it saves one from the hurt of defeat and makes the reward of our successes that much sweeter.



I love the cartoon. Now, was that an observed catch, or did you have some privacy?

They say laugh until it hurts, but I think that's backwards. What we really need to do is hurt until we laugh. It is the fastest restorative of perspective known to man...after a long, long look into the stars at midnight. Not just the Hubble pictures. The real thing. Even in the light-polluted atmosphere of a city, there hang over us things undreamed in our philosophies.

One of the nastier moments I've had recently is experiencing how different it is to feel furious with someone and to feel indifferent about them. The curious comfort of the cold is that indifference can be warmed to something like perspective when we remember how much we can love the people we chose, and choose, to love. That love is a muscle. That love is never a waste of time or self. We've traded some PMs on this, IIRC.

I'm not dismissing or trivializing your pain and aggravation. I'm also convinced that the law of averages is going to catch up with the department of the army, and with you, and the quartermaster of statistics is going to fix this.

Just know this: while you will eventually get a doctor (I'll bet on 23rd, after the 23rd Psalm), you will never forget your first Doctor.
Laz, you as well as Aspergirl are on the short list of people I never mind hearing it from. Aspergirl, I'm not sure of the catch of which you speak, I am befuddled.

How you speak on love and the law of averages reminds me of the mantra of some of my brothers in arms; "live by chance, love by choice, kill by profession". I think live by chance speaks to your notion of the law of averages, reminiscent of the wheel of fate of olden times. No matter how far you fall there will be a point at which you will be on top again. I try to remember in my day to day life that there will be things beyond my control and that I must not stress about them. But sometimes optimism gets the better of me and I forget that notion and am left with heartache for it.

But what you say of love is true, and in the saying I spoke of they say "live by choice". I believe they say this because it is a choice, and it is one that no one can take from you. When the chips are down you still have love, as long as you choose to have it. It is our anchor that keeps us when the tides of misfortune would otherwise carry us into the abyss.

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