Don't get me wrong, high self-esteem is important. It is absolutely integral to your sense of well-being. But what you need is a sense a real sense of high self-esteem. A secure sense of high self-esteem.
"But Gritches, how does one achieve such a thing?" What a handsome question. First, realize that a high sense of self-esteem is NOT a starting point - it's an endpoint. It's a result. It's a reward. Forget about "fake it til you make it", because "faking it" results in the fragile sense of high self-esteem.
If you have low self-esteem and you just can't seem to raise it, that's probably because you're smart enough to realize that the modern understanding of high self-esteem (fragile) is fake and phony, and you're realer than that. The good news is that if that's the case - if your sense of self-esteem is low, or if you aren't sure if it's low or high, or you go back-and-forth between high-and-low - then you're already in the right place to start.
Analyze yourself. Spend some time in introspection. But refrain from trying to make yourself feel better if you discover some things you don't like. Realize this, and it is critical: if you have things you don't like about yourself, you should feel bad about them. But don't sit there and wallow in self-pity, because that's a desperate attempt to make yourself feel better about it. No, instead, I'm going to teach you how to use it as a source of motivation.
Pick ONE and JUST ONE of those problems. Do whatever you want with the rest, just make sure you're singling out ONE of the things about yourself that YOU don't like. ABSOLUTELY NOT things about yourself that other people don't like but that you're okay with; you're doing this for yourself, not everyone else. No, pick just one single solitary thing that you absolutely hate about yourself.
I'll continue about how to pick this one thing, because that is step number 1 and the most important step when it comes to changing a mentality that has been deeply programmed into you. Be as specific as you possibly can: "I'm a piece of S" or "I hate myself" or "I suck" is not specific or useful. Rule of thumb: in general, the more specific the problem you pick, the easier it is to solve.
Once you've picked this one aspect of yourself that you hate, write it down. Write it big, on a big sheet of paper. Now, tape it to the wall wherever you spend your days. If you spend your days in a few different places, write up a few copies for each place. You could even decorate it with glitter and stickers and crap like that; whatever it takes to make this Self-Hatred Sign as visible as possible. You can let your other problems swirl in your mind as much as you want, or whatever it is you do with your problems. This problem, this ONE problem, is the one you want in front of your face and at the front of your mind at all times.
Now, the next part of this another thing where you cease to or refrain from doing something instead of doing something: don't make your mind up about what you're going to do about the problem. If it's still a problem for you, then the solution is not obvious and thus it probably feels like there is no solution, but I promise that there's a solution to every problem you have. So don't decide that "it can't be solved", and if you're excited about it resist the urge to go with the first solution that comes to mind. Just keep that one item at the front of your mind; perseverate on it while you go about your daily life.
1) Keep those signs up and 2) Refrain from deciding and taking action against your problem for one week. During this time, you will have to do a little work, sorry not sorry. That work is research; remember, you're dedicated to this problem and only this problem. Research your problem. If you think you understand it, you don't because if you did the solution would be obvious.
At the end of the week, make a decision, this decision: "have I done enough research?" If you're still hopelessly lost as for what to do, you have not; so extend it for another three days, rinse and repeat until solved. DO NOT QUIT. Do NOT give up. Do NOT switch problems. Keep that one problem right in front of your face and research and seek to understand until you eat your proverbial broccoli; that is, until the problem is solved. Whatever you do, do not put your problem back on the shelf until it's dealt with.
"Back on the shelf". I mean that both figuratively and somewhat more literally. Think of the entirety of your problems as labeled boxes stacked on a shelf. If you're like a lot of people, you'll spend your days taking your problems off the shelf, taking them out of the box and looking at them for a minute, and then putting them back on the shelf. Stop that. Stop it.
But do you see why picking the right problem is so important? Because you must have the self-discipline to stick with that one problem. So, don't be too ambitious; if anything, err on the safe side and go with the smaller problems first. If you find that your problem has sub-problems that need to be solved first, you picked too general of a problem. Just never lose sight of the fact that this is something about yourself that you hate, something that is unacceptable for you to continue to keep as a part of the person that is you.
If you stick with it, you'll eventually find your answer, and believe me when I say that solving a problem you thought was impossible feels pretty darn good. Even if you feel like giving up, even if you've have to solve sub-problems in the process of solving this problem, never take that sign down until the problem is solved.
Are you starting to see how serious I am about picking the right problem? The point of this isn't to crap out on your problem and put it back on the shelf in favor of another problem. So, be specific, because even if you screw up and pick too general of a problem, you can not take it off the wall. Not yet.
But what does this have to do with self-esteem? Following this process builds a real sense of self esteem by 1) Giving you confidence. Once you get good at this process, you might cut it down to three days and start banging out problems like nothing; by 2) Giving some focus to your problems. You're going to have them anyway, you might as well single one out and destroy it, and by; 3) Actually solving your problems.
Keep repeating this process, never giving up on a problem until it's solved, and keeping it to one problem and its sub-problems at a time. WORK ON YOUR SOFT SKILLS FIRST. You may ironically need to work on something like your self-discipline first in order to have that as a soft skill that's necessary to follow this process.
But damn, I have been writing this for hours, if you're still reading then there it is; this is it; this is how I went from suicide to happy. By improving myself one problem at a time. Solve enough problems, and eventually you won't have anything left about yourself to hate. THAT is when you get to look at yourself and say "what a worthy and strong person I am". And that, right there, is your secure sense of high self-esteem. It feels real, it feels amazing; it should, because once you can tell yourself that you're a worthy person without that being merely a figment of self-deception then you have earned that self-esteem through your hard work, and that is your reward, not something you are entitled to by virtue of being expelled from a birth canal.
I'd say good luck, but follow my process and you'll learn real quick how to make your own luck. I've been writing this for hours, and if you're still reading, PM me if you have questions or need more details. This is how I achieved happiness; there's no 12-step solution, there's no magic beans, and there's no self-help seminar. Just you, the raw power that is yourself.
"But Gritches, how does one achieve such a thing?" What a handsome question. First, realize that a high sense of self-esteem is NOT a starting point - it's an endpoint. It's a result. It's a reward. Forget about "fake it til you make it", because "faking it" results in the fragile sense of high self-esteem.
If you have low self-esteem and you just can't seem to raise it, that's probably because you're smart enough to realize that the modern understanding of high self-esteem (fragile) is fake and phony, and you're realer than that. The good news is that if that's the case - if your sense of self-esteem is low, or if you aren't sure if it's low or high, or you go back-and-forth between high-and-low - then you're already in the right place to start.
Analyze yourself. Spend some time in introspection. But refrain from trying to make yourself feel better if you discover some things you don't like. Realize this, and it is critical: if you have things you don't like about yourself, you should feel bad about them. But don't sit there and wallow in self-pity, because that's a desperate attempt to make yourself feel better about it. No, instead, I'm going to teach you how to use it as a source of motivation.
Pick ONE and JUST ONE of those problems. Do whatever you want with the rest, just make sure you're singling out ONE of the things about yourself that YOU don't like. ABSOLUTELY NOT things about yourself that other people don't like but that you're okay with; you're doing this for yourself, not everyone else. No, pick just one single solitary thing that you absolutely hate about yourself.
I'll continue about how to pick this one thing, because that is step number 1 and the most important step when it comes to changing a mentality that has been deeply programmed into you. Be as specific as you possibly can: "I'm a piece of S" or "I hate myself" or "I suck" is not specific or useful. Rule of thumb: in general, the more specific the problem you pick, the easier it is to solve.
Once you've picked this one aspect of yourself that you hate, write it down. Write it big, on a big sheet of paper. Now, tape it to the wall wherever you spend your days. If you spend your days in a few different places, write up a few copies for each place. You could even decorate it with glitter and stickers and crap like that; whatever it takes to make this Self-Hatred Sign as visible as possible. You can let your other problems swirl in your mind as much as you want, or whatever it is you do with your problems. This problem, this ONE problem, is the one you want in front of your face and at the front of your mind at all times.
Now, the next part of this another thing where you cease to or refrain from doing something instead of doing something: don't make your mind up about what you're going to do about the problem. If it's still a problem for you, then the solution is not obvious and thus it probably feels like there is no solution, but I promise that there's a solution to every problem you have. So don't decide that "it can't be solved", and if you're excited about it resist the urge to go with the first solution that comes to mind. Just keep that one item at the front of your mind; perseverate on it while you go about your daily life.
1) Keep those signs up and 2) Refrain from deciding and taking action against your problem for one week. During this time, you will have to do a little work, sorry not sorry. That work is research; remember, you're dedicated to this problem and only this problem. Research your problem. If you think you understand it, you don't because if you did the solution would be obvious.
At the end of the week, make a decision, this decision: "have I done enough research?" If you're still hopelessly lost as for what to do, you have not; so extend it for another three days, rinse and repeat until solved. DO NOT QUIT. Do NOT give up. Do NOT switch problems. Keep that one problem right in front of your face and research and seek to understand until you eat your proverbial broccoli; that is, until the problem is solved. Whatever you do, do not put your problem back on the shelf until it's dealt with.
"Back on the shelf". I mean that both figuratively and somewhat more literally. Think of the entirety of your problems as labeled boxes stacked on a shelf. If you're like a lot of people, you'll spend your days taking your problems off the shelf, taking them out of the box and looking at them for a minute, and then putting them back on the shelf. Stop that. Stop it.
But do you see why picking the right problem is so important? Because you must have the self-discipline to stick with that one problem. So, don't be too ambitious; if anything, err on the safe side and go with the smaller problems first. If you find that your problem has sub-problems that need to be solved first, you picked too general of a problem. Just never lose sight of the fact that this is something about yourself that you hate, something that is unacceptable for you to continue to keep as a part of the person that is you.
If you stick with it, you'll eventually find your answer, and believe me when I say that solving a problem you thought was impossible feels pretty darn good. Even if you feel like giving up, even if you've have to solve sub-problems in the process of solving this problem, never take that sign down until the problem is solved.
Are you starting to see how serious I am about picking the right problem? The point of this isn't to crap out on your problem and put it back on the shelf in favor of another problem. So, be specific, because even if you screw up and pick too general of a problem, you can not take it off the wall. Not yet.
But what does this have to do with self-esteem? Following this process builds a real sense of self esteem by 1) Giving you confidence. Once you get good at this process, you might cut it down to three days and start banging out problems like nothing; by 2) Giving some focus to your problems. You're going to have them anyway, you might as well single one out and destroy it, and by; 3) Actually solving your problems.
Keep repeating this process, never giving up on a problem until it's solved, and keeping it to one problem and its sub-problems at a time. WORK ON YOUR SOFT SKILLS FIRST. You may ironically need to work on something like your self-discipline first in order to have that as a soft skill that's necessary to follow this process.
But damn, I have been writing this for hours, if you're still reading then there it is; this is it; this is how I went from suicide to happy. By improving myself one problem at a time. Solve enough problems, and eventually you won't have anything left about yourself to hate. THAT is when you get to look at yourself and say "what a worthy and strong person I am". And that, right there, is your secure sense of high self-esteem. It feels real, it feels amazing; it should, because once you can tell yourself that you're a worthy person without that being merely a figment of self-deception then you have earned that self-esteem through your hard work, and that is your reward, not something you are entitled to by virtue of being expelled from a birth canal.
I'd say good luck, but follow my process and you'll learn real quick how to make your own luck. I've been writing this for hours, and if you're still reading, PM me if you have questions or need more details. This is how I achieved happiness; there's no 12-step solution, there's no magic beans, and there's no self-help seminar. Just you, the raw power that is yourself.
