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Processing parent death and relationship impacts

I need a place to process and it might as well be here. My mother died about a week ago. She was 78, tired of being alive and basically asked us to stop all diagnostics and treatments. It's fine.

My daily life behavior is concerning to me though. I can't really grieve normally. I can't grieve when my son is around. It's too hard to feel my childhood self when I have to be a parent.

I've been super obsessive about cleaning and tidying my house to the point that it worries me. It's starting to subside now but that's been the bulk of my actions when I'm not working.

I have a heightened sensitivity to consistency and trustworthiness in my partner. I also have a hair trigger for abandonment. My husband leaves the to and I feel deflated or urgency feelings. He doesn't do why he says I get upset. He says he's coming to bed at xyz time but if he doesn't actually keep his commitment I'm irrationally upset.

I've had trauma therapy but I guess more is coming up and I'm not in therapy right now but I guess I should go back.

I thought about sleeping separately but with my abandonment triggers sleeping alone sounds like it will just be more triggering in a different way.

My husband was AMAZING about my mother dying... For about a week. Then he's back to his usual halfway present self. I feel like he abandoned me too by being fully present with me and then disappearing.

I just want to be happy and to feel safe and I can't feel safe if I don't know when he's coming to bed or if he says x then does y and doesn't update me that he has changed his plans. This used to be a huge issue for us causing a lot of 1am arguments. It was better until recently. I feel doubly wounded by the fact that he isn't very sensitive to my needs even though my dad died in his sleep and after he died I would stay up for hours just watching my mother breathe because I was afraid she would die too. I'm sure those memories are stirred up right now and I just wish he would be considerate about it instead of acting like a jerk.

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yogabanana
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