2016.
Oh what an unbelievably difficult battle I've had with anxiety and depression.
But as well as having a difficult time, I have also had a really good time with getting the support I needed, which included medication, as well as having people in my life who were incredibly understanding, which I love them dearly for!
Sometime back in May, I started becoming more irritated by random things on a daily basis. Things like random noises outside, headphone cords touching my skin, as well as having bad thoughts about myself. As the month went on, I started getting into fits of rage at least once or twice every week over these seemingly small things. Throwing things around the house. Punching a hole in my bedroom wall. Breaking a shelf in half by throwing my fan at it (thankfully the fan still works).
My mum would often yell at me, trying to tell me to stop going on the path of destruction that I was doing to things in my room. After I calmed down, mum would ask me what was going on. The same question was asked by my friends/teachers at school, as I was getting upset at random times there as well.
A question to which I could not think of an answer, as the things that led me to a meltdown had never done so before. I felt out of control. Like I was going crazy. I even felt helpless to these meltdowns as they would come on so suddenly, when before I could sort of spot one building up a few minutes earlier.
One night I had trouble getting to sleep as my chest felt like it was on fire. The next morning, my mum took me to the doctor. I thought it was probably a chest infection, when in fact my doctor suspected that my sore chest, as well as my recent meltdowns at home and school, may be a result of anxiety and depression.
This caused a complete change in how I viewed my meltdowns, and what may be contributing to them, as well explaining why I would sometimes have bad thoughts about myself and sometimes be extremely nervous about things. I used to think these things were just a part of my aspieness.
I mean, some things about my meltdowns and anxieties do relate to my aspieness.
The diagnosis of depression/anxiety gave me new factors to take into account when I felt sad, angry or had a meltdown.
Looking back on my life, I can now see the signs in many past situations that would've suggested that I had depression/anxiety.
These signs have been there ever since I was 10 years old.
And now, 10 years on, I finally knew I had it. This has empowered me so greatly.
After being diagnosed, treatment took the form of meds for my anxiety, which at first I was scared of going on, fearing what side effects it may have. Thankfully the only side effect was drowsiness, and even then it only makes me drowsy when i take the nighttime dose, which is good, as I had trouble sleeping in the past, and now I don't have to worry if I might get sleep or not! The meds took the edge off the anxiety, so instead of feeling a sharp, painful feeling in my chest, I feel a dull, achy feeling (if I get bothered by stuff).
I was also given an appointment with a psychologist, which was several weeks away. During the meantime of what felt like a really long wait, I took to the internet to read some advice on strategies I could make to help me cope when something makes me feel anxiety or I start having bad thoughts about myself. Sadly I couldn't find anything that helped, but my psychologist gave me some ideas.
My strategies for my anxiety that I have at the time of writing this is to breathe in through the belly, and blowing out through pursed lips (as if I'm blowing out a birthday candle, for example). I've also had to remind myself constantly to remember to do this when i start feeling even a little bit of stress.
What used to happen when I got stressed is my hands would ball up into a fist, and I would grumble, which didn't help me cope with anything; whereas with the breathing technique, I still feel annoyed by whatever it is that i am bothered by, but I find that my ability to cope is way easier and the odd meltdown that has happened in the past few weeks wasn't destructive; in fact in that one instance, I went into a panic, as in the past, but I used my breathing technique, and ended up having a thought "I need to go talk to my mum". Before I would only come to think of what to do long after a meltdown. This time I was able to catch myself mid-meltdown and form a sort of plan. The only shame was that I had gone outside a mall, not texting my mum to tell her where I was. So that was a bit of a slip-up. But apart from that, I would call that one instance a success.
My strategy with bad thoughts is to remind myself what I do well. I even wrote a list with my psychologist once of all the things I did well and things I didn't do well. The list of stuff I didn't do well was that I sometimes would throw and break things in anger. That hasn't happened in a long time. Another was that I'm shy when i meet people. But that, I have found, is a part of my personality, rather than a thing to be ashamed of. My mum even told me that people who seem to not be shy when meeting new people, are shy like everyone, just they're good at hiding it, to which I laughed.
I've also talked to friends about my depression/anxiety, and I found that they were very understanding. Some friends even came forward to me that they too had it, which is kind of sad that they have gone through similar to me, but also good, as they and I can talk about it, if either they or I feel nervous or depressed, without any fear of negative judgement.
So that was a really long story.
My year was awful. But I am glad I can go into next year having at least some form of strategies to help me cope with things.
Oh what an unbelievably difficult battle I've had with anxiety and depression.
But as well as having a difficult time, I have also had a really good time with getting the support I needed, which included medication, as well as having people in my life who were incredibly understanding, which I love them dearly for!
Sometime back in May, I started becoming more irritated by random things on a daily basis. Things like random noises outside, headphone cords touching my skin, as well as having bad thoughts about myself. As the month went on, I started getting into fits of rage at least once or twice every week over these seemingly small things. Throwing things around the house. Punching a hole in my bedroom wall. Breaking a shelf in half by throwing my fan at it (thankfully the fan still works).
My mum would often yell at me, trying to tell me to stop going on the path of destruction that I was doing to things in my room. After I calmed down, mum would ask me what was going on. The same question was asked by my friends/teachers at school, as I was getting upset at random times there as well.
A question to which I could not think of an answer, as the things that led me to a meltdown had never done so before. I felt out of control. Like I was going crazy. I even felt helpless to these meltdowns as they would come on so suddenly, when before I could sort of spot one building up a few minutes earlier.
One night I had trouble getting to sleep as my chest felt like it was on fire. The next morning, my mum took me to the doctor. I thought it was probably a chest infection, when in fact my doctor suspected that my sore chest, as well as my recent meltdowns at home and school, may be a result of anxiety and depression.
This caused a complete change in how I viewed my meltdowns, and what may be contributing to them, as well explaining why I would sometimes have bad thoughts about myself and sometimes be extremely nervous about things. I used to think these things were just a part of my aspieness.
I mean, some things about my meltdowns and anxieties do relate to my aspieness.
The diagnosis of depression/anxiety gave me new factors to take into account when I felt sad, angry or had a meltdown.
Looking back on my life, I can now see the signs in many past situations that would've suggested that I had depression/anxiety.
These signs have been there ever since I was 10 years old.
And now, 10 years on, I finally knew I had it. This has empowered me so greatly.
After being diagnosed, treatment took the form of meds for my anxiety, which at first I was scared of going on, fearing what side effects it may have. Thankfully the only side effect was drowsiness, and even then it only makes me drowsy when i take the nighttime dose, which is good, as I had trouble sleeping in the past, and now I don't have to worry if I might get sleep or not! The meds took the edge off the anxiety, so instead of feeling a sharp, painful feeling in my chest, I feel a dull, achy feeling (if I get bothered by stuff).
I was also given an appointment with a psychologist, which was several weeks away. During the meantime of what felt like a really long wait, I took to the internet to read some advice on strategies I could make to help me cope when something makes me feel anxiety or I start having bad thoughts about myself. Sadly I couldn't find anything that helped, but my psychologist gave me some ideas.
My strategies for my anxiety that I have at the time of writing this is to breathe in through the belly, and blowing out through pursed lips (as if I'm blowing out a birthday candle, for example). I've also had to remind myself constantly to remember to do this when i start feeling even a little bit of stress.
What used to happen when I got stressed is my hands would ball up into a fist, and I would grumble, which didn't help me cope with anything; whereas with the breathing technique, I still feel annoyed by whatever it is that i am bothered by, but I find that my ability to cope is way easier and the odd meltdown that has happened in the past few weeks wasn't destructive; in fact in that one instance, I went into a panic, as in the past, but I used my breathing technique, and ended up having a thought "I need to go talk to my mum". Before I would only come to think of what to do long after a meltdown. This time I was able to catch myself mid-meltdown and form a sort of plan. The only shame was that I had gone outside a mall, not texting my mum to tell her where I was. So that was a bit of a slip-up. But apart from that, I would call that one instance a success.
My strategy with bad thoughts is to remind myself what I do well. I even wrote a list with my psychologist once of all the things I did well and things I didn't do well. The list of stuff I didn't do well was that I sometimes would throw and break things in anger. That hasn't happened in a long time. Another was that I'm shy when i meet people. But that, I have found, is a part of my personality, rather than a thing to be ashamed of. My mum even told me that people who seem to not be shy when meeting new people, are shy like everyone, just they're good at hiding it, to which I laughed.
I've also talked to friends about my depression/anxiety, and I found that they were very understanding. Some friends even came forward to me that they too had it, which is kind of sad that they have gone through similar to me, but also good, as they and I can talk about it, if either they or I feel nervous or depressed, without any fear of negative judgement.
So that was a really long story.
My year was awful. But I am glad I can go into next year having at least some form of strategies to help me cope with things.
