for those of us who didn't get diagnosed till late, or those of us who are actively trying to "Pass". do you ever feel like you are holding the real you back? like there's basically a whole other person who acts in ways the fake you would never in a million years act like?
like in my mind i play out an event thats happening in the real world, but instead of keeping everything inside, i let go. in reality i just basically shutdown. but inside i am blowing up, raging, breaking things. sometimes i feel like that. sometimes it comes out as a meltdown, but even then, not to the degree that it could/should.
Well, it seems that this "alter ego" i always fantasized about letting go might be the real me under the mask. i wonder if this is why i strongly identified with Bruce Banner aka The Hulk. i wrote a character for a comic im drawing who is truly a mess and volatile and explosive. he wears his emotions right on the surface. Ive often told people that this character is me. I feel this rage, grief, horror, anxiety inside of me always. Just bubbling barely to the brim of the pot and it stays there. It hardly ever over flows. There have been occurrences where i couldn't control it and i displayed rage. My spouse calling me immature. sobbing unrelentingly. biting into myself so hard its sore for a few days. scratching at my skin.
but more often than not, its just there inside of me, an uncomfortable pressure in my head. i think this is why i have the habit of clenching my jaw and biting my lips now.
I lost my train of thought i think. the whole thought made me think of more things. how does one even begin to regulate emotions that take over you passionately or violently? the emotion being happy, sad, anger, hopelessness, ect. how does one get comfortable enough to unmask when you've been wearing it since elementary school? how do i know which parts are the real me and which arent?? how do i begin to feel safe to stim openly, to cry when i am sad. to release pent up stress and emotions when i need to instead of shutting down?
like in my mind i play out an event thats happening in the real world, but instead of keeping everything inside, i let go. in reality i just basically shutdown. but inside i am blowing up, raging, breaking things. sometimes i feel like that. sometimes it comes out as a meltdown, but even then, not to the degree that it could/should.
Well, it seems that this "alter ego" i always fantasized about letting go might be the real me under the mask. i wonder if this is why i strongly identified with Bruce Banner aka The Hulk. i wrote a character for a comic im drawing who is truly a mess and volatile and explosive. he wears his emotions right on the surface. Ive often told people that this character is me. I feel this rage, grief, horror, anxiety inside of me always. Just bubbling barely to the brim of the pot and it stays there. It hardly ever over flows. There have been occurrences where i couldn't control it and i displayed rage. My spouse calling me immature. sobbing unrelentingly. biting into myself so hard its sore for a few days. scratching at my skin.
but more often than not, its just there inside of me, an uncomfortable pressure in my head. i think this is why i have the habit of clenching my jaw and biting my lips now.
I lost my train of thought i think. the whole thought made me think of more things. how does one even begin to regulate emotions that take over you passionately or violently? the emotion being happy, sad, anger, hopelessness, ect. how does one get comfortable enough to unmask when you've been wearing it since elementary school? how do i know which parts are the real me and which arent?? how do i begin to feel safe to stim openly, to cry when i am sad. to release pent up stress and emotions when i need to instead of shutting down?
