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been writing a story for a while

I wrote my main character as how i would be if i didnt suppress my entire personality. Mind you this character is based on a dream(it was very vivid and thrilling). I often dream of myself as a male in my dreams. I am also nonbinary/demi. so its not unusual that i would base the main character off myself if i were to act truly as myself. he is impulsive, emotional, anxious, has negative thought patterns, sarcastic, has social anxiety, doesnt know how to talk to others, self harming stims, panic attacks.

someone once asked me why i wrote my hero as such a ****** person. and i told them that he wasnt ****** he was human. the most human characters in most stories are the most hated. i wanted him to be an anti-hero.

Rose sits next to me. A heavy flush on her face.
"So how old are you anyways Emerson?"
"eh? I'm 25."
She giggled, "you barely look 18. But thats now a bad thing. Did anyone ever tell you your eyes are beautiful. I rarely see anyone with green eyes, but when i do it always blows my mind. Like Mr. Blake."
I took a large swig. She smiled and went back to talk to Carissa. I'm glad she left. I was starting to feel awkward.

This part is exactly how i would react in a stiuation like this, but i have mastered smiling and not saying much till people go away.

As Logan leaves, Richard approaches me. I'm pacing a small section of the hall, periodically slamming my hands against the walls open palm. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry. I wanted to fit in, I wanted to be normal. There was so much I wanted. Richard watches me. Not sure what to do. My eyes burning, glowing.

I often repress a lot of my emotions because i feel explosive during a meltdown. my husband says they are tantrums cuz well he doesnt really understand that this **** builds up and it needs to come out sometime. cuz holding it in just makes me shut down hardcore.

Anyways. i didnt realize i might of perhaps been writing my character with characteristics of autism till at least a year or two from initially writing it. idk where im going with this post but im done now


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