I recently started EMDR. Many years I have heard of this treatment through my therapist. Thinking to myself, it seemed a bit hokey to me. So I researched. Finally, after my speech had been lost from a brain injury and my right side of my body impaired it was suggested that to fix all my problems seeing a psychologist would do. With that rewiring my brain with EMDR was suggested. I was all in. By the way it didn't fix all my problems. But anyways. So I began. I knew I had some messed up trauma. Lots of boyfriend who didn't treat me right and were abusive. I had been stalked by a man from ages 12 to 21ish and all the things that come with that. But nothing prepared me for my childhood abuse. I knew it was there. I knew that there was a span of time. But I did not know the extent. The first memory started as something seeming so trivial. I was two years old and broke my arm. My brother and I were sliding off the edge of a chair in our living room. Not going fast enough my brother pushed me and I slammed my arm into the windows ledge. After that I didn't want to play anymore. So I went to my room quietly. Sitting in my closet I brushed the hair of my my little pony. The next day or the day after my mom went to grab my arm to hold my hand and I winced. That was when she realized my arm was broken.
Agree working through that memory I thought. This can't be that bad. I moved on to age 8 to 10. As I began to unpack those memories I realized I wasn't abused by my friends dad, I was tortured. The EMDR resurfaced memories that I have not had before. It brought this feeling of being alone and isolated. Which is very hard because right now as an adult I feel alone and isolated. Going through what I did at that time I had no feeling, no reaction, no emotion, nothing towards it. This is the first time I an feeling and understanding what is going on. It breaks my little heart for some reason. I'm not exactly sure why. Because I have already gotten through. So why does the pain of remembering the torture hurt so bad. It isn't a physical pain or is a pain of betrayal.
Drugs to make me numb, the right tools to leave the proper marks. No one will suspect anything different from a kid. This memory is different from the rest. It had left me weeping and I don't weep. It has stolen my hot foot a second. I don't let anyone steal my joy. I'm always happy. But it rocked me. It is like it is bidding something much more sinister. A memory I don't want to know, but that I must face.
I will be strong, be my positive fun loving self, take the time to cry and break down. Sometimes I think, murdering me would have made my life so much easier. But that is not how things go. I am a fighter and will keep going. Keep unlocking all the gruesome memories that are locked inside. Till they hold no bound.
Agree working through that memory I thought. This can't be that bad. I moved on to age 8 to 10. As I began to unpack those memories I realized I wasn't abused by my friends dad, I was tortured. The EMDR resurfaced memories that I have not had before. It brought this feeling of being alone and isolated. Which is very hard because right now as an adult I feel alone and isolated. Going through what I did at that time I had no feeling, no reaction, no emotion, nothing towards it. This is the first time I an feeling and understanding what is going on. It breaks my little heart for some reason. I'm not exactly sure why. Because I have already gotten through. So why does the pain of remembering the torture hurt so bad. It isn't a physical pain or is a pain of betrayal.
Drugs to make me numb, the right tools to leave the proper marks. No one will suspect anything different from a kid. This memory is different from the rest. It had left me weeping and I don't weep. It has stolen my hot foot a second. I don't let anyone steal my joy. I'm always happy. But it rocked me. It is like it is bidding something much more sinister. A memory I don't want to know, but that I must face.
I will be strong, be my positive fun loving self, take the time to cry and break down. Sometimes I think, murdering me would have made my life so much easier. But that is not how things go. I am a fighter and will keep going. Keep unlocking all the gruesome memories that are locked inside. Till they hold no bound.
