Discovery

I’m sitting on my couch on a Saturday morning trying to decide how to waste my day. I turn on Amazon Instant Video and decide to watch Parenthood. In the first season there is a character named Max who is diagnosed with Asperger’s Disorder. I see a few similarities in his personality and my own so I decide to research Asperger’s online. As I read the symptoms I can’t really control my feelings. I am anxious because there is a possibility that I have a disorder that I will have for the rest of my life. I am shocked that what started out as a lazy Saturday morning has led me to a revelation that may explain everything I’ve wondered about myself for years. It has given a name to all the parts of me that were abnormal…all the things I’ve put so much effort into hiding. I feel as though I’ve spent the majority of my life hiding. Hiding my personality, hiding my feelings, just hiding from all the normal things that everyone else does or wants to do. All the things that I have always wanted as well but can’t let myself have. In having these things I would have to reveal too much of myself. And If I reveal too much of myself then someone else might realize just how damaged and different I am.
I immediately feel overwhelmed with a need to know every bit of information about Asperger’s that I can find. I start reading website after website and writing down all the symptoms that apply to me. I write specific examples of how each symptom has played a part in my life. Then I start reading books. Books about people that discovered they had Asperger’s in adulthood. Anything I could find to justify how this new information fit into my life. Anything I could find to convince myself that I’m not insane. Or a hypochondriac. Or just a socially awkward loner with no explanation as to why. For several years I had believed that I was just damaged. Now I was beginning to understand that it wasn’t damage but disorder. Maybe this is just who I am. And maybe…that’s alright.