Fear of being abandoned

Your comment resonates with me. I have a mother and sister I love dearly. After my mom passes away, I don't know what I'll do with myself. I don't know how to cope or how I will cope in the future. My sister doesn't want to live with me. She wants her own place, but she's not financially responsible or in a healthy place of consideration and thought. The thing that scares me the most is that I'm might flunk out of university and be penniless or at least have a minimum wage job after I flunk out. That scares me. That's a life of mediocrity and failure. I suppose I have to try my best. We're given the tools of life and are somehow equipped to mitigate life if we try. If you never try, you will be a failure and your parents will have died for nothing. They sacrificed themselves to get you where you are. Your comment resonates with me, because this is a real problem. If my parents die and I'm left all alone, will I be able to continue on? It's a question of character, but know that you have the tools to solve these problems. In the face of these daunting tasks, we are intimidated by the cruelty of society. Nobody understands the way our parent(s) understood. We need to be able to figure this out for ourselves, because if we rope other people into our problems, they could hurt us or help us. They might strengthen our resolve or hinder our ability to love ourselves and live our lives. You don't need toxic people in your lives. Only by loving yourself can you lead a better life filled with good friends.

Thank you so much. What you said makes sense to me too, i can't make other people responsible for my life the way my parents were when i was a child. Since i wrote that entry, i have made some progress regarding my sense of self worth. I used to think i would never be able to work but when i started work i was somehow able to get used to it. Now i love my choice of career and am passionate about it. I have fun studying and researching. I also enjoy simple things like cooking, buying new cosmetics etc. Those are things that i will be unable to do if i die.
I think finding small things like this to live for is not bad. Even if you were to be unemployed or had a minimum wage job, if you have something you enjoy doing who cares if your life is mediocre? Who gets to decide what is a failure? You can just say yeah i am a failure but this new tv show looks nice and i want to live just to watch the new episode. That's a valid reason to live.