I'm getting afraid to eat sometimes.
I see my doctor and it's like... I feel better because I like him and have some trust for him at this point.
However, there's also some real honest talk about my functioning, how disabled the OCD is making me, about how like- I kind of want to disappear a lot because I get panicky and feel trapped.
I also just feel like I'm failing- like ME, I am actively failing- at overcoming the repeat switch in my brain. It is literally so bad I just don't want to exist and I DO actually feel as though I'm trapped. Not in some kind of abstract way. I feel like a small animal in a corner- because there is no way to escape this **** for me right now.
So every day is like... walking down a dark street and pretending the guy with a knife behind you isn't actually there.
I have to act "normal"- not even normal, I have to pretend none of this panic exists.
Writing this stuff out helps, so if someone has some trouble with reading this, they can just stop reading.
I see my doctor and it's like... I feel better because I like him and have some trust for him at this point.
However, there's also some real honest talk about my functioning, how disabled the OCD is making me, about how like- I kind of want to disappear a lot because I get panicky and feel trapped.
I also just feel like I'm failing- like ME, I am actively failing- at overcoming the repeat switch in my brain. It is literally so bad I just don't want to exist and I DO actually feel as though I'm trapped. Not in some kind of abstract way. I feel like a small animal in a corner- because there is no way to escape this **** for me right now.
So every day is like... walking down a dark street and pretending the guy with a knife behind you isn't actually there.
I have to act "normal"- not even normal, I have to pretend none of this panic exists.
Writing this stuff out helps, so if someone has some trouble with reading this, they can just stop reading.
