Why Men Are Walking Away From Dating

[FeatherBird]

Autistics struggling to pair up is real, but the Incel mantra is not a productive solution. Neuro-diverse people need to approach courting differently than NTs do. We do not have the same sensibilities. And if you refuse to recognize that, you will keep failing.

We don't have the same sensibilities, you're right. But we live in a neurotypical world. That's why we fail. Hell, even in the autistic community, the same neurotypical norm holds true (where the man is expected to make the first move)

 

[FeatherBird]

Being different got me my wife, women have left notes in my locker in high school phoned me at home without telling me who they were, passed note to me in college in class, tried picking me up in bus shelter, asked if I wanted to share hot dog while chilling on bench in park, blatantly tried flirting with me in sales department where I took brakes to observe them in action. Yes we are different, do not act like NT's.

Your experience is a lot different than mine.

I was viewed as a pariah in school.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I just thought the ladies were strange. Now I see that they did not get me. I was different without knowing at the time. Looking back things make sense.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

We don't have the same sensibilities, you're right. But we live in a neurotypical world. That's why we fail. Hell, even in the autistic community, the same neurotypical norm holds true (where the man is expected to make the first move)

I made the first move knocked on my tenants door, If she had said not interested I would have moved on. Had another lady at work letting me know she was interested, probably would have let that play out.

 

[Jonn]

The same effect is obviously true over a person's lifetime. Younger people work towards objectives which they may not be satisfied with later in life.
It looks to me that this text:

is a "stated preference" which includes people who have made some "endgame" choices impossible, and are wisely looking at the positive aspects of their current lives. But the "revealed state" isn't so simple:

Respectfully disagree with the seeming underlying emphasis/premise.
It appears to me to be a little ambiguous, with a hint of "Devil's Advocacy".
What might seem to be the better ending might actually not be the case.

Take into consideration that most ppl have been brainwashed into adopting a social paradigm on how best to live their life.
We can't speak for everyone, but I can speak for myself:

Had I attempted to do what was socially expected of me, by finding a SO and starting a family, there is no question in my mind that I absolutely wouldn't have had the time to invest in my personal development as much as I have, and the entire "enterprise" would have ended in disaster.
Hail self-actualisation instead!

I was a total wreck for half my life.
I am now a functioning, independent, self-aware, financially secure individual who has managed to change the disaster of my younger life, which was full of suicidal thoughts and profound total despair, into something positive.

I am hardly breeding material, but have the wisdom now to realise the folly in that unenlightened direction.

I sound more than a little biased.
But: "I really don't care."
I have found my own, personal path in this unregulated cacophony of nonsense.
It is good to have my ontological security back again.

My caffeine has spoken.

P.S.
I see the beginnings of an epic can of worms, and may refuse to be drawn further into the direction of this particular discussion.

 

[Crossbreed]

...even in the autistic community, the same neurotypical norm holds true (where the man is expected to make the first move)

You are typing that to a married autistic.
Neuro-diverse women have different sensibilities, too. Once a compatible woman made her romantic intentions clear (to me), I had no problem reciprocating, later initiating, romantic affection.

If you had an affectionate relationship with your mother, you are capable of such. In your mom's case, she initiated that relationship. If you circulate with minimal expectations, you will draw someone out.

 

[Jonn]

Neuro-diverse women have different sensibilities, too. Once a compatible woman made her romantic intentions clear (to me), I had no problem reciprocating, later initiating, romantic affection.

I suspect the context is women in general.

Also:
Think in terms of a bell curve.

 

[Crossbreed]

I suspect the context is women in general.

Nope. There have been other women whose intentions were clear enough, but I could not align with their personal life choices. I had to tick both boxes before I could commit.

Also:
Think in terms of a bell curve.

I know what a bell curve is, generally, but I do not understand what it means in the context of this thread.

 

[Jonn]

Nope. There have been other women whose intentions were clear enough, but I could not align with their personal life choices. I had to tick both boxes before I could commit.

I was saying I believe Feather's overall point included both NT and ND women.

I know what a bell curve is, generally, but I do not understand what it means in the context of this thread.

I was saying that you can't generalise.
Some women are more forward, and some are more reserved, but there tends to be a mean/average.

IMO, most women would expect the man to approach the woman.
That would be more common, especially when you consider the ultra reserved women would also wait to be approached.
In other words, it is my belief that women approaching men are outliers on the bell curve.

 

[Crossbreed]

In other words, it is my belief that women approaching men are outliers on the bell curve.

That is only true if you lump NTs & neurdettes together. Having a minor developmental disorder, ASD1 & gifted women are more likely to take a childlike approach and ask, "Why can't I make my intentions clear...?"

To which an NT woman would reply, "You just can't, that's why." GLWT

Example: I learned from experience that it is (for some unclear reason) impolite to ask a woman her age. My mom (possibly ADHD and/or ASD1) was not the least bit insecure about disclosing her age.

 

[Outdated]

Had I attempted to do what was socially expected of me, by finding a SO and starting a family, there is no question in my mind that I absolutely wouldn't have had the time to invest in my personal development as much as I have, and the entire "enterprise" would have ended in disaster.

I tried going down that path when I was in my 20s, it didn't end well. But I'm a quick learner and things worked out for the best in the end. I found forward and decisive women to be a lot more fun, and they're not as rare as you might think.

 

[Jonn]

I tried going down that path when I was in my 20s, it didn't end well. But I'm a quick learner and things worked out for the best in the end.

I found forward and decisive women to be a lot more fun, and they're not as rare as you might think.

Yes, you have been blessed compared to many of us.

Spoiler

Could you send one or two over this way?

 

[Outdated]

Could you send one or two over this way?

I was never in my life able to chat women up. If many of them weren't as bold as they are I wouldn't have ever gotten anywhere.

 

[Jonn]

That is only true if you lump NTs & neurdettes together. Having a minor developmental disorder, ASD1 & gifted women are more likely to take a childlike approach and ask, "Why can't I make my intentions clear...?"

Perhaps we should ask the spectrum women on here if they ask men out?

 

[Jonn]

I was never in my life able to chat women up. If many of them weren't as bold as they are I wouldn't have ever gotten anywhere.

Perhaps your looks had something to do with your success?

 

[Outdated]

Perhaps your looks had something to do with your success?

Partly, but it was more to do with the way I presented myself. Body language and speech patterns, having an Adelaide accent doesn't hurt either. The absolute most important thing I mentioned in an earlier post - learning what not to say.

Women are mostly attracted to self confidence, but there's a fine line between confidence and arrogance.

 

[FeatherBird]

I was saying I believe Feather's overall point included both NT and ND women.

I was saying that you can't generalise.
Some women are more forward, and some are more reserved, but there tends to be a mean/average.

IMO, most women would expect the man to approach the woman.
That would be more common, especially when you consider the ultra reserved women would also wait to be approached.
In other words, it is my belief that women approaching men are outliers on the bell curve.

Well-said.

No matter how clear a woman’s romantic intentions might appear, my fear of turning out to be wrong stops me from acting on her romantic cues.

 

[Crossbreed]

Well-said.

No matter how clear a woman’s romantic intentions might appear, my fear of turning out to be wrong stops me from acting on her romantic cues.

BTDT.

 

[FeatherBird]

That is only true if you lump NTs & neurdettes together. Having a minor developmental disorder, ASD1 & gifted women are more likely to take a childlike approach and ask, "Why can't I make my intentions clear...?"

To which an NT woman would reply, "You just can't, that's why." GLWT

Example: I learned from experience that it is (for some unclear reason) impolite to ask a woman her age. My mom (possibly ADHD and/or ASD1) was not the least bit insecure about disclosing her age.

Based on chatting with (and reading discussions by) female autists online, they appear to be even less likely to make the first move than a neurotypical woman.

Which makes sense. Seeing as a woman making the first move is rare even in the NT community, it's to be expected a socially stunted (AKA autistic) woman would have an even harder time making the first move. Hell, I'm living proof that even a socially stunted man has a hard time making the first move.

 

[FeatherBird]

Perhaps your looks had something to do with your success?

Being an Aussie might have played a role too.