"Why Lonely People Stay Lonely"

[IContainMultitudes]

I thought this was interesting, it never mentions Asperger's or Autism, but I think it does a good job of explaining why the social isolation of many people on the spectrum isn't necessarily about poor social skills (although it is possible that some people have an intellectual understanding of social skills but have difficulty putting them into practice) or a lack of empathy (and also why telling a lonely person to be more outgoing and go out and meet people isn't helpful; it's entirely possible to be around people all the time and have lots of social interaction but still feel lonely due to never making meaningful connections with people):

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/07/why-lonely-people-stay-lonely.html

 

[hiraeth]

The part at the end about reframing nerves as excitement is very interesting. I had a manager who told me that once. Sometimes - though not always - anxiety is made of the same raw energy as excitement, except that anxiety is linked to the presence of expectation and fear of falling short of them.

I think about that a lot, in many different circumstances.

 

[Beverly]

hiraeth you are right, excitement is so close to anxiety. I learned that on stage. In high school, I got the lead in the school play but, when it came time to perform it, despite doing perfectly in rehearsals, I froze on stage. Just six months later, I was on stage with a band every night and it was sheer excitement being new to it.

The single difference was, I didn't expect I'd be laughed at and ridiculed for weeks if I messed up on stage in the band where as I did in high school. Same energy, but without the worry of the repercussions of failing, it was fun, excitement, a good thing.

I also know how easy it is to be alone in a sea of people even when you are interacting with those people. You can go through the motions, say the right things, gain their admiration and praise yet, you don't connect with them at all, they are just nameless faces, forgotten as soon as they are not in your vision. While that was good for me, it isn't for most if that's how it goes down when you socialize- it leaves you entirely alone even among ten thousand people you are or have interacted with.

 

[Wireless]

I'm interested to find that I'm not the only one who finds excitement and anxiety to feel very similar. I even tell myself that I'm excited to go to dental appointments rather than anxious. It helps a little because I'm convincing myself that I enjoy going to the dentist.
I don't really enjoy feeling excited or anxious. Even at Christmas or on birthdays I dislike the churning sensation in my stomach.

I think that I have the social skills to go out and make friends. But, it feels too much like acting. And I don't have the energy to maintain friendships.

 

[NiceCupOfTea]

It was quite interesting that article, but I'm not entirely convinced by it. It does make sense that lonely people may be better at reading emotions if they've spent a lot of time watching how other people operate. But in my case at least, I'm not particularly socially anxious. I don't really feel jitters, 'butterflies', etc. at the prospect of talking to people. What happens to me is that my mind goes blank. It always has done. I just become utterly unable to think of anything to say. My guess is that socially anxious NT people know what to say, but are too nervous to say it. I'm not too nervous to say it, but I don't know what to say.

 

[Maelstrom]

I thought this was interesting, it never mentions Asperger's or Autism, but I think it does a good job of explaining why the social isolation of many people on the spectrum isn't necessarily about poor social skills (although it is possible that some people have an intellectual understanding of social skills but have difficulty putting them into practice) or a lack of empathy (and also why telling a lonely person to be more outgoing and go out and meet people isn't helpful; it's entirely possible to be around people all the time and have lots of social interaction but still feel lonely due to never making meaningful connections with people):

http://nymag.com/scienceofus/2015/07/why-lonely-people-stay-lonely.html

Hi IContainMultitudes , Yeah! totally me, I do better on the charming than most NTs now, but when it really matters like with a cute girl, the world somehow starts to slip sideways, slow motion train wreck, groundhog day again, so not fun! Sigh! I'm trying to learn not to care so much so I can stay relaxed during the engagement with some one I really like...but it's not a natural reflex.