Why I did and why I didn't

[Pats]

First, thanks @Pinkie B because you got me to thinking. The answer to why I did things and why I didn't do things is the same thing - it's that box that I live in.

I do remember when I was younger feeling like I couldn't walk out of my safe zone. Couldn't even walk out onto the porch. Why it was hard to do some things - even showering or going to bed, or washing the dishes. I would know I needed to do these things, it was just hard to get out of this box to do them. Like something just stopping me. That same thing that would make me freeze when I'm stressed and not be able to walk across the room to get a drink of water even though I'm feeling dehydrated.

But it was that same box that made me do things that I had no choice but to do. It was that same box that kept my legs moving to walk into work when I so desperately didn't want to, and kept me from crawling into a corner somewhere to hide when that's all I wanted to do.

I hate the box. I don't know where it comes from. I don't know what it is but it seems to control the things I do and the things I don't do and it won't go away. I guess it's been a good thing at times - it did force me to go to work and it did prevent me from killing my teenage kids - lol (that's a joke for those that may not know it). But it did keep me from hitting and doing anything physical that could done damage. I'd be so furious sometimes that I would want to destroy something but I couldn't. The more stressed, the tighter the box - to the point I'm unable to move a finger (it's like when your eyes are fixated on an object and you can't pull them away).

But I know it's stress related. When I'm happily working on a project, I have more freedom. I can run out and get what I need without any difficulty. But like this past week, I've felt more stressed and depressed for some reason and it's hard to do anything. I had to go out yesterday to get some groceries and walking through the store I find myself gripping tightly to the buggy handle and practically having to drag myself, not breathing correctly, making me a little short of breath and so on. It was like having to climb a mountain, a jagged rocky mountain. It can be a saving grace and it can be a nightmare. And it's why I'm never completely relaxed. And why I sleep so tense that I so often wake up with tension headaches ( like today).

So, anyone else have this problem?

 

[Pats]

Adding more - I think my box is my safe place and I'm afraid to leave it. Sometimes it expands and allows more freedom and sometimes it tightens.

 

[BraidedPony]

I've definitely experienced this box thing. I remember your post about not being able to get a drink of water when visiting.
When i lived in a two story home, it was hard to go upstairs, it wasnt in my comfort zone. That is why I like living in small places, I can "own" all of it.
I used to only feel safe/comfortable in an area of my chair, the tv, the bathroom and kitchen.
Since I have lived alone, I dont have that box thing anymore, but still have agoraphobia and get boxy in public, ie: going to the bathroom.
If I feel the box thing again I will try countering it by cleaning the area outside my confort zone. This is how I "own" it.

 

[Pats]

I've definitely experienced this box thing. I remember your post about not being able to get a drink of water when visiting.
When i lived in a two story home, it was hard to go upstairs, it wasnt in my comfort zone. That is why I like living in small places, I can "own" all of it.
I used to only feel safe/comfortable in an area of my chair, the tv, the bathroom and kitchen.
Since I have lived alone, I dont have that box thing anymore, but still have agoraphobia and get boxy in public, ie: going to the bathroom.
If I feel the box thing again I will try countering it by cleaning the area outside my confort zone. This is how I "own" it.

Happy birthday BraidedPony.
and it does feel like some spaces in my apartment are outside my box. It seems to be getting smaller with age.

 

[china autie]

I call it executive dysfunction though it very much is a box.

The automatic is good for me when it happens.

When I get stuck starting something, I make a decision to move myself next to the thing I have to do [like dishes or hanging up clothes whatever].

I tell myself I do not have to actually do the stuff. I just have to stand or sit next to it.

Most of the time I end up starting to do the thing. If I don't, no pressure. I try again later.

 

[Pats]

I call it executive dysfunction though it very much is a box.

The automatic is good for me when it happens.

When I get stuck starting something, I make a decision to move myself next to the thing I have to do [like dishes or hanging up clothes whatever].

I tell myself I do not have to actually do the stuff. I just have to stand or sit next to it.

Most of the time I end up starting to do the thing. If I don't, no pressure. I try again later.

Thanks for your comment. So I looked up executive functioning and autism (which I had the wrong idea about) and from what I've read, it's making more sense. Thanks so much.

 

[Pinkie B]

For @Pats

 

[Misery]

I think the comic pretty much sums it up nicely.

 

[Pinkie B]

My Ex Best Friend found it for me years ago. It is...me.

especially the "done for the day" part.

 

[SusanLR]

My Ex Best Friend found it for me years ago. It is...me.

especially the "done for the day" part.

I found this cartoon some time ago and forwarded a copy of it to my psychologist.
She is autism specialist. She liked it so well she started making copies of it for some of her clients.
They all relate!

It sure sums it up for me, too.