Why am I so stressed/worried about work if I don't care about life?

[Mono]

I'm not suicidal, but I am passive about living. I'm at peace with that, it's been like that for a long time. I can still enjoy things, I have awesome friends and enjoy spending time with them or on my hobbies. But if it feels like I'm just doing time, why am I even stressed/worried about work?

I'm open about my autism, people at work know and I also have a jobcoach. Recently I got a new job (within the same company, so I kept my internal jobcoach). The people are nice, I especially like my team leader. But the co-worker that's supposed to show me the ropes is very vague to me. He's a very kind and funny guy, but also the "But things seem to be going fine?" kind of guy.
I have a lot of questions, but I feel hesitant to walk to his desk for every tiny little question (even if I want them answered). Questions I ask through Teams, he skips half of them. Through e-mail seems to work best. He doesn't feel "safe" to me, not the kind of person I'd be completely honest with like I usually do with the direct co-worker that also guides me. My previous one was really anal (I mean that in the best possible way), the only right way to do this is like this, I want you to do that like this, etc. I knew exactly when I was doing it 'right'.

The work is done on the computer. Basically it's backlog stuff that needs to be moved over from an older system/program to a new one. There's no manual for the work, I'm completely dependent on my co-worker - I can't express enough how much I hate having to rely on other people in my work, especially when I'm dreading vague answers. Supposedly ever case I move over is still 'open' and will eventually be checked by someone else.
Every time I ask a question and get an answer, I run into something new - the tiniest difference and once again I have zero feeling if I'm doing it right. I've tried to just do my best and think, If I'm not doing it right, they'll tell me. My co-worker told me this as well. But I don't like having zero feeling with what I'm doing. This to me feels like doing a school test where you studied like crazy, but questions are asked slightly different and I don't recognize that. The test results could be either way, I could have an A or an F.

I can't really put my finger on what I want to do about this. But I don't start work again until upcoming Monday (been off work for 2 weeks) and I'm already stressed out. I think I had a panic attack yesterday evening, I was in bed and couldn't sleep, heart was racing. I don't feel like working if it feels like I'm just winging it, I want to be able to feel and see that the work I'm doing is actually good. Right now i feels half-assed to me, the opposite of satisfying.

If I feel so little for life, why do I care about this? Why not just do the work and go back to my games when work time's up? I'm sort of 'protected' - if this job doesn't work out, they'll just look internally for something else for me to do. Thanks for reading. If nothing else, it at least feels good to vent this. I'm not sure if I'm looking for what to do about the above, or actually want to know why I'm so worried, maybe both.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's not clear to me what you're asking for, if anything, and I don't do support/validation, but it's possible you're doing a task that I've seen many times.

So FWIW:

This sounds like a kind of activity that's fairly common in IT, mostly in "old to new" system migrations, but sometimes in "current to better" migrations.

In general, the things that are actually done are simple: grab a block of data, renormalize it, copy the result into a target system. So simple that it sounds like it would always be cheap to automate it.

But IRL, there are many cases where data in the source system doesn't always match 1-to-1 with the target system. The older the source system is, the more incompatible "special-cases" there will be in the source system.
(there's a simple reason for this, but it's not worth describing here - what's relevant is that a lot of people (both business and IT) are blind to it, and make stupid errors by under-estimating the difficulty of the task)

Generally you automate what can be automated, then assign a person to handle the "special cases".
The expectation (not always justified) is that the person who does the work is able to recognize incompatible cases "on the fly" and either manually adjust them, or build up low-level automation for repeating cases.

There's one small catch that employers often miss: if data migration can't be fully automated, there's a fair chance that some of the special cases require "domain knowledge" about the business processes that the systems (both old and new) support/automate.

In those cases the best person to do the "grunt work" is someone with a relatively rare skill-set: low-level professional IT skills and an understanding of the business processes. i.e. it's not really grunt work at all.

If this is what you're currently facing, I can (up to a point) contextualize it for you. But not fix it - if my scenario is correct, your employer has made a mistake that probably can't be resolved via an online forum.

BTW there are ways to organize/structure this kind of work, and at scale to automate it. But that requires mid-level professional IT experience. i.e. even more of the skill issue I described above

 

[Mono]

Thanks for your reply! I do feel sorry about possibly having wasted your time though, and also for not being more clear. Honestly I'm not completely sure what I'm asking for either, my head is a mess.

But for work, it's not the type that can be copy-pasted into another system. They're all individual cases with files, maps, etc. Every case is different, and I depend on how the previous information has been provided. How clear it is, if I can even read the handwriting (if it's old), changes to real locations (also if the file is old). There is a lot of room (way more than I'd like) for interpretation, for choosing how to enter it into the system. I just wish someone would check my work and either tell me it's fine like that or preferably tell me it's not once in a while. I'm not sure this work and co-worker are for me. Honestly, I wish it was as mundane as copy-pasting, at least then things would be clear to me. I'll take boring over drowning in vagueness any day of the week.

They do keep telling me not to stress about it, that everything seems to be going fine. I'm happy for them, but things are not going fine in my head. This stuff can't be automated, the cases are all different and in various states of complete/incomplete. There's some mapping in there as well. I think this is me wanting clear boundaries like I had before this job. On the other hand, I feel like the work is something I could enjoy - if only there was a manual for all the individual types of cases. So I could look it up myself, teach myself. Rather than having to depend on someone (no matter how nice) I don't feel comfortable with constantly asking questions. Getting only half the answers doesn't help, either.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's still not clear to me if this is digital to digital, or hardcopy/mixed to digital.
That would change the details a lot, including the likely frequency of unique cases.

You've also missed the nature of "old digital to new digital" migrations. Which is to be expected - IT specialists often get that wrong too - but we may not be not communicating accurately.

Are you in a "perfection is the enemy of good" trap?

 

[Mono]

Sorry, it's old digital system to new digital system. The handwritten stuff I mentioned was already scanned at some point, so all that is digital as well. I am a perfectionist, yes. But I don't mind making a bunch of mistakes at first. At least then I know when I correct that, I'm doing it right.

 

[UFO]

Could this work of yours be something where you could have been given a freedom of choosing the way you organize the data, as long as your solutions are consistent with each other? That could be the reason you are said to be "doing just fine" as the data organization really doesn't matter as long as the data is stored somewhere in some consistent way of your choice.

If you would be doing this work only for yourself without any peer pressure from coworkers, would you be more certain and less stressed about how to do this work? Assuming that source of your stress is a fear of disappointing your coworkers and superiors, and/or failing in doing the work in the way they would want it to be done.

But the co-worker that's supposed to show me the ropes is very vague to me. He's a very kind and funny guy, but also the "But things seem to be going fine?" kind of guy.
I have a lot of questions, but I feel hesitant to walk to his desk for every tiny little question (even if I want them answered). Questions I ask through Teams, he skips half of them. Through e-mail seems to work best.

I think I know the type. My guess has always been, that they probably skip questions because they think that they have already answered to them, or they assume that "you can figure them out yourself". NTs like to pack things together and assume that we can generalize their answers to all situations we encounter. However, it is not always easy to tell which small details can be ignored, and which details cause an exception that should be handled differently.

I just have to try to emphasize them that if I ask a series of questions, I want to have at least a clear "yes", "no" or "doesn't matter, do as you wish" to all of them, no matter how redundant and repeating the questions seem to be. I emphasize that I don't ask the same question twice in other words, unless I specifically say "in other words", so every question is to me a separate issue that requires a direct answer of their own to be 100% certain.

Results have varied (not all of them are able change their way of communicating), but at least I have tried.

 

[Rodafina]

Feeling mostly passive but then discovering something you care about doesn't seem like a bad thing to me. It sounds like there is something about this current job situation that feels good and you want to keep that up, but the worry comes from not feeling sure that you are doing well. Even vaguely wanting something can spark feelings of caring and that can feel surprising/confusing when you are more used to feeling passive.

I have a lot of questions, but I feel hesitant to walk to his desk for every tiny little question (even if I want them answered).

Do you think it might be useful to keep a list of these questions and then ask to schedule 30 minutes with your team leader or the co-worker who is supposed to be showing you the job? I'm imagining this could potentially be more useful than a steady stream of questions via Teams or emails.

You may have to be more assertive than is totally comfortable, but it seems reasonable to ask for more direction and clarification especially now, at the start.

Otherwise, it sounds like you have to give yourself time to build your confidence and feel more competent. All your feelings could be fairly typical feelings that come with starting a new job and learning new things. Your true challenge may come in having to manage the anxiety rather than the actual work you have to do. For this you could focus on things like exercise, proper nutrition, deep-breathing and other grounding activities. For someone who is used to feeling passive, anxiety can feel pretty overwhelming, so it might be helpful to put your efforts there. Deal with the feelings while you slowly learn how to do the task.

 

[Mono]

@Hypnalis: As for perfection, I did just remember my co-working mentioning something to me earlier. He said (something along these lines) that we're dependent on how proper the previous people entered everything into the old system. That we have to make due with what we have. I forgot about that, writing it down right now so I don't forget again. That really does help me instantly, so thanks!

@UFO: I do feel like I have too much freedom, could be. I prefer to be more confined, if that makes sense.
I would be less stressed if I was only doing the work for myself, for sure. Because then I'd make clear rules for myself. But as it stands now, answers from my co-worker seem to vary. So I think I'll know the answer, but then in that case it's different again. So then I still won't know for the next time, because the line was either not clear or not there at all.
LOL that does sound exactly like my co-worker! But as I said, he is kind and funny, also very willing. That makes it harder for me to be critical towards him. I try to emphasize as well, I do always want people to be themselves. Your 'every question' line sounds exactly like how I feel, thanks for that But for my co-worker, I guess e-mail is the best way to get an answer. So far it seems harder for him to skip those. Also for some reason I think he responds faster to e-mail than Teams.

He also said that though there's no clear set of instructions for the work, I could create my own - using the questions/answers I have so far. That hasn't worked for me so far, exactly because all questions to me are separate issues. I tend to not recognize questions/cases that apply later down the line with a case that's similar.

@Rodafina: You're very right about discovering something I care about, I noticed that as well. Thanks!

Your list idea sounds like a good plan, easier than walking up to his desk every 5 minutes. Also, he did say last time that I could just plan something, put it in his planner. I might have to do that more often. Will definitely keep it in mind!

Yeah, I don't like being assertive, I like not needing anyone else to do my job This being a confidence issue rather than anxiety over the work itself is another thing I'll write down, you might have a very good point there, thanks!

 

[Hypnalis]

As for perfection, I did just remember my co-working mentioning something to me earlier. He said (something along these lines) that we're dependent on how proper the previous people entered everything into the old system. That we have to make due with what we have. I forgot about that, writing it down right now so I don't forget again. That really does help me instantly, so thanks!

I think I have almost enough to give you some guidance on how to organize the work based on experience, and some suggestions on how you should approach it.

If you'd like some input, we can keep chatting here. I'l need more details on the task, but not too much. For perspective here are tree possible "polarizing" data migration scenarios:

(1) Digital to digital, "normal" data structures (numbers, structured text fields, some unstructured text (comments etc), but the "data objects" in the source don't exactly match the target.
This can be difficult, but generally you can expect 80% + automated migrations.
(2) What's generally called "case management" in the Anglophone world. A big document data base, with some "normal" structured data fields, lots of free-text data, some images, but generally simple images. Typically integrated with a non-trivial process management system to track and control interactions for each case
(3) Geodata. Images (maps) that can be multi-level, (3D+) with important "normal" data attached to specific locations.

So far yours feels more like (1) than the others, but with some important additional elements that I'll need.

Or my guess could be wrong. That wouldn't be surprising - my list is necessarily simplified, and in IT nobody knows everything, or even a significant proportion of the entire domain.

 

[Mono]

Thanks, I appreciate it However, I'm just a grunt - the work I do is mainly as support for my co-workers. Right now, I suspect I only use a few percent of the program/system.

But just one example of an issue I had a while ago; Some of my work involves marking areas where trees have been cut down.
I have a PDF with the request, all the information, and a map with a marked area.
Then in the new system, I put in all the data. It also has a map feature with several layers. I create an activity in the system and within that, I can mark the area in the map. (Edit: Listen to me, I'm starting to sound like Preston Garvey)

But... either in the system or sometimes on an air photo website, we can see that more trees are gone than the ones in the request. My co-worker was like, stick with only the marked area. Because if more have been removed, it might have been done illegally. So I stick with only the originally marked area. That way in the future, a controller that goes out in the field can check it out.
But then another time, I DID have to mark the full area, even though it was larger than the originally marked area from the PDF. Some nuance my co-worker could see, but I couldn't. So now I still don't have a boundary there, still don't know what to do next time.

But maybe I should just make my own 'rules'. Do it how I think it should be done until someone tells me otherwise. In the above case, I've just been sticking with the originally marked areas. After all, I'm dependent on the work that was previously entered by others.

 

[dadko20]

Your autistic brain probably says "oh no society wants me to be productive i better start working and stressing"

 

[Mono]

Your autistic brain probably says "oh no society wants me to be productive i better start working and stressing"

Yeah, thanks a lot, brain Honestly though, I love to work - I can go all hyper on my work if it's clear and I'm enjoying it. Then I really need to set my alarm so I'll stop in time. But once things aren't clear to me, it affects everything.

 

[dadko20]

Yeah, thanks a lot, brain Honestly though, I love to work - I can go all hyper on my work if it's clear and I'm enjoying it. Then I really need to set my alarm so I'll stop in time. But once things aren't clear to me, it affects everything.

Honestly as autists we should be extra careful about work because it can really put on alot of stress and burnout to us. Neurotypicals made the world to their terms not autistic terms so we suffer more

 

[Mono]

Honestly as autists we should be extra careful about work because it can really put on alot of stress and burnout to us. Neurotypicals made the world to their terms not autistic terms so we suffer more

Yeah, I agree. I'm lucky I have a great (internal) jobcoach that keeps an eye on me.

 

[dadko20]

Yeah, I agree. I'm lucky I have a great (internal) jobcoach that keeps an eye on me.

• IT & Programming – coding, debugging, data analysis
• Engineering & Math – precise calculations, problem-solving
• Research & Science – lab work, data collection, analysis
• Art & Design – illustration, animation, music
• Quality Control / Testing – spotting errors, consistency checks
• Library / Archiving – organizing, cataloging, record-keeping

this is what autists excell at these jobs

 

[dadko20]

i personally do the bare minumum caus i dont want to burn out not because of laziness

 

[UFO]

I do feel like I have too much freedom, could be. I prefer to be more confined, if that makes sense.

Yes, it makes sense. I used to have only two viable ways of working (because I suck with "team work", I never understood what it was supposed to be): Either I have the full freedom to do decisions without any "buts" (thus, I have no need to worry if I do things right or wrong by their opinion), or I am a foot soldier who is instructed clearly and in detail, and who is not expected to do any independent thinking (the army had that approach and it was fine to me). Both are good for me, but in software development the second way is... problematic. Anything in-between those two ways caused me stress and frustration.

I just wish someone would check my work and either tell me it's fine like that or preferably tell me it's not once in a while.

He also said that though there's no clear set of instructions for the work, I could create my own

They must have checked your work at least when you started doing it? If they didn't find anything to complain then, and don't find it important to check your work afterwards, you are probably worried for nothing. If they haven't come (often) to tell you that you should have done something differently, there hasn't been any right or wrong way to do things in the first place. Those both quotes definitely sound like they don't really care how it is done, as long as it is done.

My co-worker was like, stick with only the marked area. ... But then another time, I DID have to mark the full area, even though it was larger than the originally marked area from the PDF. Some nuance my co-worker could see, but I couldn't.

Same co-worker? How much time there was in-between these cases? It could have been an another day and he was in a different mood (meaning that it is not a big deal). Or he could have had now different instructions from his superiors, but you just have been kept out of the loop (in which case he should have been clear if it is just this one case, or new instruction you to follow).

But maybe I should just make my own 'rules'. Do it how I think it should be done until someone tells me otherwise.

If you have by now an idea how to do this work in your way (even those parts that you don't have any instructions yet), but you are only worried if your way would be accepted, then I would suggest that you search from your supervisor (not from co-workers, as they don't have same authority) an assurance, that the way how the work is done does not matter (in most cases), and you are allowed to do it in your way, by your own decisions.

It might help your brain to accept that there is no wrong way of doing this work, and that your co-workers have only opinions and ideas, not rules, and you don't need to worry about their validation.

Otherwise, I am not sure what other advice I could give, except to just keep collecting more instructions until something clicks in your head and your brain start seeing connections and creating an abstract big picture...

Disclaimer: I don't have any (or much of) anxiety issues and thus no personal experience of them, so it might be easy to me, and unhelpful to you, me to say "oh, try this, it might be life changing". Sorry about that, I just can't think of anything but motivational speeches based my own experiences.

 

[UFO]

Oh. One more thing to be clear: When I say "supervisor" I actually mean the person you are responsible to. Not necessarily the boss. Could be that said co-worker as well, if he is the only one who you are responsible to, and no other are supposed to come and give you instructions of their own. Better not bypass the command chain.

 

[Mono]

Sounds right! I don't like total freedom, I drown in the possibilities. So I prefer to be a foot soldier. I'll still open my mouth if I see things I think can be improved, but will then accept how they want me to do the work. I can understand that for software development, especially if your superior would know nothing about software development?

Yes, they did check my work at first, but I don't feel like they still do. But if they don't and I make mistakes, that's on them, right? Only way for me to learn is if people tell me I make mistakes. Also I keep forgetting that almost all cases I work on are still 'open' until a controller (not sure that's the right word) goes out in the field to the actual location and picks up the case from there. They're the ones who ultimately close them and should pick up and fix any mistakes. I think I have to decide (in time) if that's a satisfying way to work for me. And that I'm dependent on the earlier work of others, I feel like I should print that and mount it on my wall.

Yes, the same co-worker gave me a different response with a slightly different case. He's the co-worker that's also supposed to show me the ropes. But then thinking back, I must have noticed something different about the case myself as well. Otherwise, I wouldn't have checked in with him. So maybe I should try and learn to trust myself there. I do think I'm making a bigger deal out of a lot of things here than they are.

For making my own rules, I'd indeed only be using the answers I've gotten from the co-worker that guides me. So just stick with those and go with what I think is right if there's another slight difference. For a big one, I'll check back with him.

I did hear a co-worker make a remark once that made me think that some small details didn't really matter all that much.

As for your disclamer, no worries at all - I'm happy with all the replies and ideas I've gotten here. They make me feel better, more relaxed. Able to enjoy the weekend and dread going back to work on Monday less. So, thanks

Supervisor, yeah I got you. For work related stuff I just go to the designated co-worker I'm assigned to, the one that guides me. I don't really talk about the work with my team leader, he just checks up on me every now and then.