When showing GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION backfires and makes you worse off

[DuckRabbit]

Have you ever not been thanked for something that you did for someone, that actually cost you quite a lot, and this has soured your attitude towards that person?

Conversely, have you ever received a deliberative expression of thanks and appreciation that has boosted your mood and encouraged you - enabled you to cope with more of what life has to throw at you?

Has anyone taken to heart psychological insights about the benefits of feeling and expressing gratitude such as these:

https://www.uclahealth.org/news/health-benefits-gratitude
• Sharing your gratitude: Send a quick note telling someone why you are thankful for them or encourage your family to share something they’re grateful for each night at dinner.

The power of saying thank you

.... only to find that upon expressing one's gratitude and appreciation, something untoward happens, such as the dynamic of the situation shifting or, instead of nice feelings being generated, an unforeseen political response is triggered? Far from "Expressions of gratitude create strong, collaborative ties and pave the way for greater influence", one damages ties and LOSES social capital?

My experience is more 'Share your gratitude at your own risk!" More often than not, I wish I'd just kept mum and just silently sucked up the benefit of what the other person was doing, rather than try to spread positivity ("empathy, sharing, open-mindedness, a focus on others") by reflecting it back to them. SOOO not what the literature says... Maybe it's positive to express your gratitude - just not to the person who generated it?

 

[Rodafina]

Have you ever not been thanked for something that you did for someone, that actually cost you quite a lot, and this has soured your attitude towards that person?

I think this can only happen if your intentions for doing something was to be appreciated for it. If you appreciate your own self for the way that you act and you are not doing things for the purpose of being noticed and thanked for it, there is no risk of feeling this way.

My experience is more 'Share your gratitude at your own risk!" More often than not, I wish I'd just kept mum and just silently sucked up the benefit of what the other person was doing, rather than try to spread positivity ("empathy, sharing, open-mindedness, a focus on others") by reflecting it back to them.

I am the opposite of you. The world can feel like such a dismal and sour place sometimes that I embrace the opportunity to show gratitude and positivity. Whether or not the other person receives this in any specific way does not matter to me. I enjoy being a grateful and positive person when I have the opportunity to do that authentically. Expressing gratitude benefits me by reinforcing ideas that I do have things to be grateful for (even in the darkest and most difficult times). If someone else benefits from it as well, that is a wonderful thing for me.

 

[marc_101]

I understand your feelings, and for sure have been disappointed in the past.

One key part, though, is that the idea of gratitude and doing good deeds is about the internal satisfaction that you get from making other people happy.

However, if you think that the rule is that other people will thank you or respond with the same kindness and appreciate all your efforts, then you're likely to be disappointed. Or said another way, if you take it as a transaction, then that's not going to make you happy.

The idea of showing gratitude is about changing your mindset -- to recognize the good so you can filter the bad.

 

[Levitator]

I'm ready to retire from this planet. It can keep the thanks it was never going to offer anyway.

 

[DuckRabbit]

Few people help with the EXPECTATION of gratitude; one helps out of goodwill - to put someone else in a better position from having crossed your path. But there is also such a thing as entitled narcissists, takers and free-riders. If one continues giving to such creatures, one becomes a doormat and it wears down our own mental health. Surely that is unhealthy?

Why do some people never say "thank you" when you do or give them something they asked for?

Why do some people never say "thank you" when you do or give them something they asked for?
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17 Answers


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Paul Collins

, A.S. Business Administration (2013)
Answered 1 year ago
People in general (and more so as each year goes by) are UNGRATEFUL and/or NARCISSISTIC. People never saying thank you is a pet peeve of mine.
I understand (and agree) that people shouldn’t expect a gift back or a kind gesture in return for something nice done. I’m not arguing that. But people should expect a simple “Thank you” for something they’ve done that was kind or something they gave. If we’re friends or family, you should show the respect back that you were given - the basis of a fundamental relationship.
I don’t understand people who say you shouldn’t expect a verbal “thank you” for something you’ve done otherwise it isn’t a gift, it’s a quid pro quo exchange. Saying thank you is a part of SIMPLE MANNERS/SOCIAL ETIQUETTE. Receiving a thank you verbally or written is not a gift. It’s a social interaction to show the person who thought of you that their gesture was appreciated or that you respect that person enough to acknowledge what they did for you. Some people may want to continue to feed the ego’s of selfish and ungrateful people who never say thank you and make excuses for it and that’s their prerogative. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I probably won’t let “you” (figuratively) fool me a third time.
People use the excuse they are “busy” to say thank you. If you’re on your phone, a simple thank you text or email or message can suffice (depending on scenario). People say they’re too busy to write thank yous, but never too busy to send the next round of invitations out for another gift grabbing event.
We’re all busy. If people can take time to go out and get a gift/do a favor/send hard earned money and go to an event then the least the other party can do is send out a thank you. Take advantage of people enough, and people catch on and stop wanting to be duped and used.
I don’t blame anyone who stops giving gifts or doing favors for people who never say thank you. One sided relationships are no fun.
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Robert Wilson

, former Language Consultant at I Run My Own Company (1982-2018)
Answered 2 years ago · Author has 612 answers and 1.2M answer views
Originally Answered: Is saying "You’re welcome" rude if they didn’t say "Thank you" first?
Being a gentleman (well, I’m a Brit, after all) I always hold doors open for ladies or the people who pretend to be so.
In my local bar here in Italy, I stopped and held the door open for this wizened old crone covered in gold rings and bracelets and necklaces, with about an inch of ultra-white make-up and eyes so black I thought that she’s been in a boxing match. This old crow sailed proudly past without even deigning me a glance, so I waited just for a second and said, very loudly, “YOU’RE WELCOME”. The bar was, as usual, full of people who know me well and expect that sort of thing, and they all sniggered a little. The wrinkled old crow stopped and looked down her nose at me. “PARDON? WERE YOU TALKING TO ME?”.
I couldn’t help it (and of course I had my audience to titillate). So, loudly enough for all to hear, I came back with “I’M SORRY, I THOUGHT I HAD HEARD YOU SAY THANK YOU”.
I got quite a few free drinks that day.
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The topic of this thread was in any case the more nuanced case of SHOWING APPRECIATION and becoming WORSE OFF through having done so. It would be interesting to hear from people who've expressed gratitude with the best intentions in the world and regretted it, because the other person came to look at you differently or you lost resources because of it.

 

[Misery]

But there is also such a thing as entitled narcissists, takers and free-riders. If one continues giving to such creatures, one becomes a doormat and it wears down our own mental health. Surely that is unhealthy?

Yes, but here's the question: How do you know someone is that way? Do you know that person well enough to be sure of it? If you DONT know someone that well and are instead getting that view of them simply because of their tendencies in that specific type of interaction, that can be a problem.

Honestly some people just arent good at it. Doesnt mean they arent thankful. They could just be bad at communicating it.

Source: myself. I usually dont say a darned thing. Why? Heck if I know. I'm not good with that type of communication and tend to get a bit verbally lost. Doesnt mean I'm not thankful. I just dont vocalize it. I dont vocalize a lot of things, despite how talkative I can be on this specific forum.

Similarly, if I do something for someone I usually couldnt care less if they respond with a thanks or not. It wasnt the point of whatever it is I did.

As for the idea of expressing gratitude and someone responding badly to it, that one is a bit baffling to me. I'm having a bit of trouble decoding that... What kind of negative response would someone give here? Do you have an example?

 

[DuckRabbit]

Yes, but here's the question: How do you know someone is that way? Do you know that person well enough to be sure of it? If you DONT know someone that well and are instead getting that view of them simply because of their tendencies in that specific type of interaction, that can be a problem.

Honestly some people just arent good at it. Doesnt mean they arent thankful. They could just be bad at communicating it.

Source: myself. I usually dont say a darned thing. Why? Heck if I know. I'm not good with that type of communication and tend to get a bit verbally lost. Doesnt mean I'm not thankful. I just dont vocalize it. I dont vocalize a lot of things, despite how talkative I can be on this specific forum.

Similarly, if I do something for someone I usually couldnt care less if they respond with a thanks or not. It wasnt the point of whatever it is I did.

You make a very good point. For some people living in poverty, or who have suffered discrimination, or who have a history of trauma, or whose mental or physical health problems have had a devastating impact, to be told that trying to feel grateful might help may feel like an insult.

That is not to say that gratitude cannot develop in later life. At the Portman clinic, Fortuna works with adults who have problems with violence, many of whom had an extremely disturbed, traumatic upbringing. At first, he says, it is not unusual to see very little gratitude from patients, either towards their therapist or towards others. But when a patient begins to feel understood, there can be a shift. “You can sometimes see very small things – a patient appreciating something someone else did for them, like a smile from a shop assistant or a friendly, caring tone of voice on the phone. Suddenly, the patient, who has felt for a long time that everyone is threatening and that they are being persecuted, discovers something friendly in an interaction.” That is a sign of gratitude where none was seen before and it can be a pivotal moment in therapy, Fortuna says. “You can see the emotional development of a person; their internal world becomes more enriched, more balanced. It gives us a sense that this work is worthwhile.”
Source: Is gratitude the secret of happiness? I spent a month finding out

Does a traumatic background exempt people from common courtesies? Should we hold them to lower standards than others? Or would that be patronising and belittling?

Thank you for your question - I appreciate that an example is needed; this idea isn't readily meaningful in the abstract:

As for the idea of expressing gratitude and someone responding badly to it, that one is a bit baffling to me. I'm having a bit of trouble decoding that... What kind of negative response would someone give here? Do you have an example?

Could it be that if a person thanks for something menial or expected, it breaks the social code and the person being thanked looks askance? They don't like being put on a pedestal? This is just one of the ways in which ASC can signal their atypical neurological hardwiring and cultural non-belonging: NTs usually know when a thank you is required and when it is best omitted. ASC individuals don't always have that judgement.

Can only high-status people thank? If a low-status person does it, they are devalued further...?

I have read that lower status individuals have been found to smile more than higher status individuals, and presumably to thank more. This is not an elated smile but rather an embarrassed one, often seen as an appeasement display in primates. Smaller guys have to make nice to survive, which could go hand-in-hand with thanking more - even if meant to show appreciation, not only to appease.

Could this depend on how connected to others one feels one is? if one has relatively weak ties with others, omitted a 'thank you' when someone has done something for you won't feel as wrong.

 

[Stuttermabolur]

This old crow sailed proudly past without even deigning me a glance, so I waited just for a second and said, very loudly, “YOU’RE WELCOME”. The bar was, as usual, full of people who know me well and expect that sort of thing, and they all sniggered a little. The wrinkled old crow stopped and looked down her nose at me. “PARDON? WERE YOU TALKING TO ME?”.
I couldn’t help it (and of course I had my audience to titillate). So, loudly enough for all to hear, I came back with “I’M SORRY, I THOUGHT I HAD HEARD YOU SAY THANK YOU”

I really don't relate to either of the businesspeople's responses. This passage in particular relates a scene which seems deliberately unkind and designed to cause embarrassment. Conversely, I prefer it if people don't thank me if I hold doors open to them, as it's just natural and I don’t like attention.

I also agree with @Misery that you can't really know what strangers are dealing with, or the thought processes behind their decisions. I have often been misinterpreted or assumed to be thoughtless when I actually thought about something a lot, but just came to a different conclusion/decided to do something different because of my reading of a situation. That doesn't mean I am narcissistic or mean. I just see things differently or don't know what others are expecting. I would hate to be judged incorrectly, so I in turn try not to make assumptions about the mental state of others.

 

[DuckRabbit]

I really don't relate to either of the businesspeople's responses. This passage in particular relates a scene which seems deliberately unkind and designed to cause embarrassment. Conversely, I prefer it if people don't thank me if I hold doors open to them, as it's just natural and I don’t like attention.

I also agree with @Misery that you can't really know what strangers are dealing with, or the thought processes behind their decisions. I have often been misinterpreted or assumed to be thoughtless when I actually thought about something a lot, but just came to a different conclusion/decided to do something different because of my reading of a situation. That doesn't mean I am narcissistic or mean. I just see things differently or don't know what others are expecting. I would hate to be judged incorrectly, so I in turn try not to make assumptions about the mental state of others.

Just as you would like your lack of thanks to not mean anything, have you considered that compulsive thankers might also not want their thanks to mean anything, but some people take it as a signal of high OR lower status? e.g., thanking a subordinate for a service discharged (You may say "Thanks" but what they hear is "Thank you, that'll be all" - you are dismissed). Or thanking someone of equal or lower status (in an organisation for example) and then being devalued because of it, because the other person has taken it to mean primate-like appeasement in the face of an aggressor.

I'm thinking of all the ways in which a simple expression of pleasantry and gratitude can get mangled on impact with the world. Taken in a very different way from what was intended.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Have you ever not been thanked for something that you did for someone, that actually cost you quite a lot, and this has soured your attitude towards that person?

Conversely, have you ever received a deliberative expression of thanks and appreciation that has boosted your mood and encouraged you - enabled you to cope with more of what life has to throw at you?

Has anyone taken to heart psychological insights about the benefits of feeling and expressing gratitude such as these:

https://www.uclahealth.org/news/health-benefits-gratitude
• Sharing your gratitude: Send a quick note telling someone why you are thankful for them or encourage your family to share something they’re grateful for each night at dinner.

The power of saying thank you

.... only to find that upon expressing one's gratitude and appreciation, something untoward happens, such as the dynamic of the situation shifting or, instead of nice feelings being generated, an unforeseen political response is triggered? Far from "Expressions of gratitude create strong, collaborative ties and pave the way for greater influence", one damages ties and LOSES social capital?

My experience is more 'Share your gratitude at your own risk!" More often than not, I wish I'd just kept mum and just silently sucked up the benefit of what the other person was doing, rather than try to spread positivity ("empathy, sharing, open-mindedness, a focus on others") by reflecting it back to them. SOOO not what the literature says... Maybe it's positive to express your gratitude - just not to the person who generated it?

I am often in charge of the department at work, running the day-to-day operations at the employee level. Yes, there are days in which you know darn well the team or a few individuals are going to be underwater and there's literally nothing you can do about it. We can't just pull staff out of our rear end. We have what we have. That said, for morale reasons, I have to go out of my way to recognize people for their hard work, to validate their frustrations, to help them with their procedures, thank them for their efforts, etc. When you're getting your rear end kicked at work, you have to keep up with those rewarding dopamine hits.

At home, my wife and I thank each other for all the little things we do for each other. It's just something that we do to help keep the relationship going. Frequent acts of kindness.

 

[Ake]

Have you ever not been thanked for something that you did for someone, that actually cost you quite a lot, and this has soured your attitude towards that person?

Conversely, have you ever received a deliberative expression of thanks and appreciation that has boosted your mood and encouraged you - enabled you to cope with more of what life has to throw at you?

Has anyone taken to heart psychological insights about the benefits of feeling and expressing gratitude such as these:

https://www.uclahealth.org/news/health-benefits-gratitude
• Sharing your gratitude: Send a quick note telling someone why you are thankful for them or encourage your family to share something they’re grateful for each night at dinner.

The power of saying thank you

.... only to find that upon expressing one's gratitude and appreciation, something untoward happens, such as the dynamic of the situation shifting or, instead of nice feelings being generated, an unforeseen political response is triggered? Far from "Expressions of gratitude create strong, collaborative ties and pave the way for greater influence", one damages ties and LOSES social capital?

My experience is more 'Share your gratitude at your own risk!" More often than not, I wish I'd just kept mum and just silently sucked up the benefit of what the other person was doing, rather than try to spread positivity ("empathy, sharing, open-mindedness, a focus on others") by reflecting it back to them. SOOO not what the literature says... Maybe it's positive to express your gratitude - just not to the person who generated it?

I have to admit that I have always had problems with saying thank you myself, maybe also because I have trouble with people saying thank you to me. My Chinese daughter in law has told me about the culture in her part of China, where people should never say thank you to family members and close friends because that spoils the intention of giving for nought between people who are of kin. Only strangers give thanks. Maybe that is what makes thanking people hard for autistic people, who seem to be perpetual strangers. It makes the distance I feel between me and the rest of the world larger in stead of smaller, and that doesn't feel right.

 

[Judge]

I've periodically wondered whether those of us on the spectrum who have issues with compliments may also have difficulty at times with simple gratitude. Though I also see situations and people who may rely on a transactional mentality to be a somewhat different- and more complicated matter.

 

[DuckRabbit]

I am often in charge of the department at work, running the day-to-day operations at the employee level. Yes, there are days in which you know darn well the team or a few individuals are going to be underwater and there's literally nothing you can do about it. We can't just pull staff out of our rear end. We have what we have. That said, for morale reasons, I have to go out of my way to recognize people for their hard work, to validate their frustrations, to help them with their procedures, thank them for their efforts, etc. When you're getting your rear end kicked at work, you have to keep up with those rewarding dopamine hits.

At home, my wife and I thank each other for all the little things we do for each other. It's just something that we do to help keep the relationship going. Frequent acts of kindness.

That sounds like a nice, supportive environment - both at work and at home. People can put up with almost any stresses and strains as long as the emotional atmosphere is conducive - warm, appreciative, nurturing.

 

[DuckRabbit]

I have to admit that I have always had problems with saying thank you myself, maybe also because I have trouble with people saying thank you to me. My Chinese daughter in law has told me about the culture in her part of China, where people should never say thank you to family members and close friends because that spoils the intention of giving for nought between people who are of kin. Only strangers give thanks. Maybe that is what makes thanking people hard for autistic people, who seem to be perpetual strangers. It makes the distance I feel between me and the rest of the world larger in stead of smaller, and that doesn't feel right.

That's an interesting interpretation, I can completely identify with that way of thinking. That could be an actual mis-use of thanks -- when it creates chilly distance and formality, where as you say, between family and close friends, there should be more easy give and take as everyone is contributing. In that situation, it could almost be alienating to thank.

 

[Levitator]

That sounds like a nice, supportive environment - both at work and at home. People can put up with almost any stresses and strains as long as the emotional atmosphere is conducive - warm, appreciative, nurturing.

I wonder what that says about people who survive for decades in a vacuum.

 

[DuckRabbit]

I've periodically wondered whether those of us on the spectrum who have issues with compliments may also have difficulty at times with simple gratitude. Though I also see situations and people who may rely on a transactional mentality to be a somewhat different- and more complicated matter.

Do you mean those with compliments may also have difficulty receiving thanks? i.e., it feels uncomfortable to be thanked? Or do you mean they would also feel awkward thanking somebody?

Could autistic individuals who have difficulty receiving compliments (because they think they don't deserve it?) perhaps benefit from more of a transactional mentality? Or what do you mean by a transactional matter being a different matter?

 

[Judge]

Do you mean those with compliments may also have difficulty receiving thanks?

Yes. A nebulous feeling of awkwardness....something like that.

 

[DuckRabbit]

I wonder what that says about people who survive for decades in a vacuum.

View attachment 126824

"Survive"; I don't imagine they thrive!

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Have you ever not been thanked for something that you did for someone, that actually cost you quite a lot, and this has soured your attitude towards that person?

Conversely, have you ever received a deliberative expression of thanks and appreciation that has boosted your mood and encouraged you - enabled you to cope with more of what life has to throw at you?

Has anyone taken to heart psychological insights about the benefits of feeling and expressing gratitude such as these:

https://www.uclahealth.org/news/health-benefits-gratitude
• Sharing your gratitude: Send a quick note telling someone why you are thankful for them or encourage your family to share something they’re grateful for each night at dinner.

The power of saying thank you

.... only to find that upon expressing one's gratitude and appreciation, something untoward happens, such as the dynamic of the situation shifting or, instead of nice feelings being generated, an unforeseen political response is triggered? Far from "Expressions of gratitude create strong, collaborative ties and pave the way for greater influence", one damages ties and LOSES social capital?

My experience is more 'Share your gratitude at your own risk!" More often than not, I wish I'd just kept mum and just silently sucked up the benefit of what the other person was doing, rather than try to spread positivity ("empathy, sharing, open-mindedness, a focus on others") by reflecting it back to them. SOOO not what the literature says... Maybe it's positive to express your gratitude - just not to the person who generated it?

If I do something really nice for someone the tiniest piece of gratitude makes the difference to me. Just even something that people may not understand is just caring about you back with a geniune heart.
Like the thing is I do not love other or help another for the gratitude or the applause even if I was a nobody, I'd still do it.
I think at times I would prefer it that way because that is when it truly means something...is when you do something nice for someone and there is no way to be repaid.
And then you in your heart know you just did the right thing or something nice for something good for someone
And the fact is if you are a good soul, one day it will be repaid to you in the ways you least expect, through advantages and blessings you never saw coming.
The fact is I like my privacy and if I help it is because I want to do something nice for that person
I think one of the best gifts is thinking they appreciated that warm blanket or meal etc.
And then one day they will be able to thank you or send a letter but even if they do not at least you know someone ate well for one meal or were able to have the warmth of a blanket for as long as they needed or even there kids. A blanket could save a life maybe for even a child if it is freezing, cuddling in a warm temperature regulated blanket could get through a few really cold nights, giving them just enough warmth to stay well.
Never under estimate the power of one meal or a warm blanket to give to another through money donations because even a meal if that is all the person could eat all day, that may sustain them until they are able to find a more permanent source of food supply and they may not starve
So every time you give one gift you may be saving a life or helping to save a life

 

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

I've periodically wondered whether those of us on the spectrum who have issues with compliments may also have difficulty at times with simple gratitude. Though I also see situations and people who may rely on a transactional mentality to be a somewhat different- and more complicated matter.

Yes I have difficulty with gratitude but also sometimes it depends on the situation and context.
Sometimes I feel like it does mean something but sometimes I may struggle.
But I appreciate compliments. Because then I know people think i am beautiful and am not afraid to say it and I do expect it all the time but it is nice to hear you are pretty and beautiful sometimes.
And like I struggle with you are a very nice person, very talented etc more because that does get annoying
I like people who just love me for me.