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What's wrong with me

did any psychiatrist mention panic disorder you sound like a carbon copy of me
the thing is i got like that after stopping citalopram too quickly and being harassed
as IVE noted youve been harassed and you DONT take xanax every day you are effectively having a nervous breakdown
IM different in as much as i just have anxiety cycling to depression and of course disorder
one thing be careful about what you watch and read as you need calmness
if you can try to stay celibate in every way possible!!!!! that will give your reproductive hormones a break, your hormones are wrapped up with your mind .
stay off alcohol if you drink it at all!!! that will give your kidneys(your adrenal glands are sited just on top of your kidneys and they are being hammered by your anxiety) and liver a break also caffeine ,decaff is alright !
i say just the word caffeine as in the UK we have decaff breakfast tea as well as coffee ,
your heart doesnt need to work any harder
i now understand why he prescribed lexapro if its panic disorder (the old form citalopram is only prescribed for panic disorder and depression and is very mild compared to xanax they are the very old type of antidepressant
 
Id like to know whats wrong with me so I can get better if there's even hope for that. I guess I was around 5th or 6th grade when I started getting intense mood swings and sometimes having outburts and throwing things and getting upset really easily, and I did have a time a few years back now that I think of it when during one bad down mood swing I cut myself when I was feeling extremely depressed. I've never attempted suicide though. I just feel so deeply and when I feel something I just can't see straight and whether it's rage or sadness. Family members and co-workers are starting to tell me or ask if I am feeling ok one of my co workers said I was acting strange and she was worried if I was ok. I'm just feeling scared and upset and cornered too sometimes like nobody understands me.

Robbie, at times I think psychiatrists can not differentiate between one condition and the next, if the conditions are very similar, or they have drug pushing agendas or specialties in one field that makes them want to diagnose that, or if they cannot look deeper than what textbooks teach, or if they make diagnostic assumptions that are not true about gender and race.

In other cases, many doctors are afraid to go against past medical opinion, or they may want to satisfy insurance with a certain diagnosis, or fail to ask appropriate questions. And then there are the doctors that do not have the time and patience, to evaluate correctly, or the ones who just want to try ruling out a condition, one by one.

Again, from analyzing all your postings, I think ADHD and/or Borderline Personality Disorder makes the most sense. For example, Jet posted symptoms about Borderline Personality and you related very well to that, saying it fit perfectly, and I thought prior that was a possibility too, combined with the ADHD.

If you look at the ADHD info below, that looks very like what you are describing, too in all your posts, and as in some of your posts you mentioned memory, concentration issues. So, I think your psychiatrists could have been leading you in the wrong direction, for them not to consider one or both of the just mentioned two conditions. Look, at the below example, which sums up those mood issues well:

"Can ADHD cause mood swings?
By zestyet at answers.com

One of the main features of adult adhd seems to be mood swings.

These are very rapid and can occur up to 2-3 times a day or a particular mood will last up to several days, not more. This is in contrast to bipolar disorder where the moods (depressed or elated) last weeks or months at a time.

The mood in adhd is both reactive, in response to the environment around you and spontaneous, just coming out of nowhere. People with the adhd seem to be hyperreactive to their environment, so things that would only alter mood slightly for those without adhd, can make massive differences to someone with adhd. E.G. An adhd person may get quite elated in the presence of a member of the opposite sex they are attracted to or have sudden crashes in their mood after negative comments are made about them.

Also in adhd, moods (such as elation or depression) can come completely out of the blue with no reason at all. A sudden wave of elation or a crashing depression can just occur within the mind from nowhere.

As opposed to borderline personality disorder, when low, someone with adhd can feel suicidal but the mood does not stay low long enough for them to do it (of course there are exceptions). Borderline personality disordered people have rapid mood swings as well, but these are usually different levels of depression and they don't often feel normal.

Resting mood state may not be normal in adhd, so it can be on the elated side or the depressed side and swing from this resting position in either direction.

The important thing that distinguishes the mood swings in adhd from bipolar is not only the length of time in the swing (shorter for adhd) but also that in adhd it is not severe. There may be rapid speech in adhd, with rhyming, talking off the point and singing, but when elated there are no grandiose delusions (the person does not think they are special). in fact they may be showing off, but it will tongue-in-cheek and when questioned at a deeper level, they will admit they are joking and low self-esteem is nearly always present in adhd regardless of the mood.

The other complicating factor in all this, if this wasn't bad enough as it is, is that independent of the adhd, someone with adhd, may also be suffereing with bipolar (about 10% of bipolars) or maybe suffering with borderline personality disorder or even all 3. Depressive episodes may also be superimposed on an adhd background, which will need treatment in their own right with antidepressants."
 
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Thank you for taking the time to respond so thoughtfully. I guess I never really thought much about it. I have the mood swings and very sensitive to criticism and I remember at one point a therapist said I had PTSD due to severe bullying in high school because I was openly gay. But I also still struggle with the mood swings and inattention. Some days are better than others, with some days feeling like I am on the verge of a complete breakdown due to severe, intense sudden depression and despair, and other days being highly impulsive and spending way too much money, and other days having intense anger and rage.
 
Yes, it must be frustrating Robbie. You did well though for explaining your signs and symptoms in all your messages, and in terms of stating the durations for some of them. The impulsiveness you mentioned is frequently in both those stated conditions, too. So, talk to the therapist this week, and if it is hard to tell them verbally things, put what you have stated in writing. Print out your messages in this thread if need be, if it is too hard to re-explain things to the medical persons by letter or verbally. They need to take all your signs and symptoms seriously, and not just focus on a few. That could make the difference between accurate diagnose and inaccurate, which could determine the effectiveness or lack of for the treatment(s). Good luck!
 
I'll do that thanks. Going to a therapy session this week, my first in a long time. Probably good timing, because I'm really not doing well at all. I was on the verge of suicide yesterday. I seriously thought about it, I sat in my car for two hours, thinking of driving off a cliff. It has been a really really hard few days. The other day, a neighbor accidentally knocked over some of my flowers, and I know he didn't do it on purpose, but it really hurt. And thursday at work, a previous file clerk had messed up the files so badly from a few years back, that when I tried to find a document that one of the paralegals was looking for, we couldn't find it, and the case manager (who is a control freak and not a very nice person) just completely hurt my feelings by making feel like I was 5 years old and kept making passive aggressive statements towards me even though it wasn't my fault at all because it was the result of a prior employee's carelessness, because I was the one in the middle of it, she made me feel like I was 2 inches tall. I did manage to fight through my anxiety and go to my first session with my personal trainer yesterday, and I got through it although I am so out of shape I had to take a few breaks to get nauseous in the bathroom (although he was really sweeet about it). There was just a lot on me yesterday, and I really almost ended it by driving off that cliff, but the one thing that stopped me was thinking how it would hurt my mom and dad, and because I guess I have a slither of hope in the fitness thing working out, I've never really stuck with anything in my life, and I told myself I would stick with this and try and see it through and get physically fit. I'm dealing with a lot in my life, and sorry if any of you are Trump supporters I don't want to get political but as a gay man and just a human being I feel even more under attack a lot I feel like we are going down a dangerous road. Anyway, I hope the therapist can maybe help me, and I texted my trainer and told him I would be back next week and he was very supportive. I survived another day, not sure why, but I'm definitely thanking the man upstairs for this one.
 
god loves you (Rev Billy Graham)
when i heard him say that it was someone gently but powerfully burrowed into my chest and kept hold of me i liked it a lot
I'll do that thanks. Going to a therapy session this week, my first in a long time. Probably good timing, because I'm really not doing well at all. I was on the verge of suicide yesterday. I seriously thought about it, I sat in my car for two hours, thinking of driving off a cliff. It has been a really really hard few days. The other day, a neighbor accidentally knocked over some of my flowers, and I know he didn't do it on purpose, but it really hurt. And thursday at work, a previous file clerk had messed up the files so badly from a few years back, that when I tried to find a document that one of the paralegals was looking for, we couldn't find it, and the case manager (who is a control freak and not a very nice person) just completely hurt my feelings by making feel like I was 5 years old and kept making passive aggressive statements towards me even though it wasn't my fault at all because it was the result of a prior employee's carelessness, because I was the one in the middle of it, she made me feel like I was 2 inches tall. I did manage to fight through my anxiety and go to my first session with my personal trainer yesterday, and I got through it although I am so out of shape I had to take a few breaks to get nauseous in the bathroom (although he was really sweeet about it). There was just a lot on me yesterday, and I really almost ended it by driving off that cliff, but the one thing that stopped me was thinking how it would hurt my mom and dad, and because I guess I have a slither of hope in the fitness thing working out, I've never really stuck with anything in my life, and I told myself I would stick with this and try and see it through and get physically fit. I'm dealing with a lot in my life, and sorry if any of you are Trump supporters I don't want to get political but as a gay man and just a human being I feel even more under attack a lot I feel like we are going down a dangerous road. Anyway, I hope the therapist can maybe help me, and I texted my trainer and told him I would be back next week and he was very supportive. I survived another day, not sure why, but I'm definitely thanking the man upstairs for this one.
 
I love and respect Billy Graham I'm not a religious person far from it but I believe in god. Rev Graham's sermons always stuck with me because he wasn't fake or condemning, but seemed genuine. His son, who is a raging psycho, not so much.
 
its not about dead religion its about do you love Jesus (Yeshua) or do you want to be god -decide what is good and what is bad- this is only from what Yeshua says to you when you are truly in love with Yeshua ,like your mother loves you but closer not cutting your self off because easy is not as frightening
I love and respect Billy Graham I'm not a religious person far from it but I believe in god. Rev Graham's sermons always stuck with me because he wasn't fake or condemning, but seemed genuine. His son, who is a raging psycho, not so much.
 
I'll do that thanks. Going to a therapy session this week, my first in a long time. Probably good timing, because I'm really not doing well at all. I was on the verge of suicide yesterday. I seriously thought about it, I sat in my car for two hours, thinking of driving off a cliff. It has been a really really hard few days. The other day, a neighbor accidentally knocked over some of my flowers, and I know he didn't do it on purpose, but it really hurt. And thursday at work, a previous file clerk had messed up the files so badly from a few years back, that when I tried to find a document that one of the paralegals was looking for, we couldn't find it, and the case manager (who is a control freak and not a very nice person) just completely hurt my feelings by making feel like I was 5 years old and kept making passive aggressive statements towards me even though it wasn't my fault at all because it was the result of a prior employee's carelessness, because I was the one in the middle of it, she made me feel like I was 2 inches tall. I did manage to fight through my anxiety and go to my first session with my personal trainer yesterday, and I got through it although I am so out of shape I had to take a few breaks to get nauseous in the bathroom (although he was really sweeet about it). There was just a lot on me yesterday, and I really almost ended it by driving off that cliff, but the one thing that stopped me was thinking how it would hurt my mom and dad, and because I guess I have a slither of hope in the fitness thing working out, I've never really stuck with anything in my life, and I told myself I would stick with this and try and see it through and get physically fit. I'm dealing with a lot in my life, and sorry if any of you are Trump supporters I don't want to get political but as a gay man and just a human being I feel even more under attack a lot I feel like we are going down a dangerous road. Anyway, I hope the therapist can maybe help me, and I texted my trainer and told him I would be back next week and he was very supportive. I survived another day, not sure why, but I'm definitely thanking the man upstairs for this one.

I am gad you didn't do that, as yes, you are right your parents would likely suffer a lot, and for long duration. My mom was never the same after our older brother died at age nineteen in the military, nor were my brother and I, who especially were close to him. There were conflicting reports whether he was killed in Sicily or whether it was his own doing. Regardless, I wish I was there for him then, as he likely felt so alone. So, you might want to consider telling your parents too of what you had thought about doing, so at least they can try to help, too. As a parent, that is what I would want our sons to do, if they had any concerning issue, much less if they ever had severe depression or self-harm issues.

Being physically fit can help in so many ways. I have to congratulate you on trying that. It can help with mood, sleep, energy levels, self-confidence, and even start creating better and healthier routines, like jump starting to eating healthier foods, too, if that is an issue. Plus, the less time one has thinking about negative things, because of doing something constructive like that, the better it should be. Your sensitivity to criticism reminds me a lot when I was younger. Only when things got really bad and I had serious thoughts of self-harm, did I awake one day and say to myself, "This is stupid. I am not the bad person. Why should I harm myself because of those others? They are not going to win." Then I chose the help for me.

I realize you Robby have a different condition that I, and so you or someone you trust should focus on getting the correct diagnosis, as if you are either on the wrong medication, do not need a medication, and need another treatment instead, because of you being evaluated incorrectly or not completely, that can make a great difference in your moods. Whoever you talk to, try to communicate your entire feelings to them. That is how things will get better, if they take your issues seriously,
as they will be more urgent in finding the correct solution.
 
Thanks, it's just really hard, the hardest I've ever experienced. I am having almost daily suicidal thoughts and yesterday I drove to that cliff and sat for almost two hours just sitting and almost driving off. It would be so quick. I just feel sometimes that nobody would even care if I end it, but then I think of mom and dad they really are keeping me going. I don't want to tell them anything because I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them. I have no friends and nobody to talk to. I don't feel valued as a person, or anything really. Maybe fitness will help. It's really hard I am having these rapid severe mood swings that are getting worse. The other day I thought about jumping off the floor of the building I work's balcony. It seems like when I do try and talk to doctors they just act all clinical and just throw medicine at me. I feel like nobody hears ME. I'm still hurting over feeling like nobody wants to be my friend, and that guy awhile back who chatted me up asked me out, and then stopped talking to me, before we even met. And recently a guy on Tinder, asked me out, we had talked on the phone, and he seemed nice but then two days before he texts and says he has to cancel and then does not text me anymore. I mean that really hurts.
 
Thanks, it's just really hard, the hardest I've ever experienced. I am having almost daily suicidal thoughts and yesterday I drove to that cliff and sat for almost two hours just sitting and almost driving off. It would be so quick. I just feel sometimes that nobody would even care if I end it, but then I think of mom and dad they really are keeping me going. I don't want to tell them anything because I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them. I have no friends and nobody to talk to. I don't feel valued as a person, or anything really. Maybe fitness will help. It's really hard I am having these rapid severe mood swings that are getting worse. The other day I thought about jumping off the floor of the building I work's balcony. It seems like when I do try and talk to doctors they just act all clinical and just throw medicine at me. I feel like nobody hears ME. I'm still hurting over feeling like nobody wants to be my friend, and that guy awhile back who chatted me up asked me out, and then stopped talking to me, before we even met. And recently a guy on Tinder, asked me out, we had talked on the phone, and he seemed nice but then two days before he texts and says he has to cancel and then does not text me anymore. I mean that really hurts.

It must be really tough for you, for how you have detailed things not only in this post, but the several others. I know there was a period of time I felt awful, too. Things can get better though, if you do not give up. And lots do care, but they cannot help you if you do not tell them, too.

You say you do not want to harm or disappoint your parents. Well, the biggest way to harm and disappoint them is to have all their lifetime of efforts go out the window, and by you not giving them a chance to help now, by telling them everything. If you felt they were good parents, they deserve that.

Otherwise, they would immediately blame themselves and forever likely, if something happened to you, as they will think you did not trust them to tell them, and you did not care enough about them to fight for them. Maybe your mind cannot see that, but that is how most good parents feel after their son or daughter resorts to that, without notice.

As for friends, the majority of persons on this forum have had difficulty having friendships and long term relationships. I feel it is not how many friends one has that often determines either happiness or functionality, but how one perceives that lack of friends. I went through almost my entire life without a friend, and dealt with lots of criticism and rejection, but still found happiness.

As for your doctors pushing medicine, yes that happens a lot. For diagnoses that are correct and require medicine I am not against that, if that condition would be helped by that. But, drugs need to be monitored closely, as they can have side effects if the dosage is wrong, and as all drugs can work differently for each person.

I have no experience with medications, as my severe social anxiety, low self-esteem and sensitivities to perceived negative evaluation was handled through self-help principles which I strongly believed in, and I detailed those techniques about three times since I joined this forum, for those who are not into medications and want change, or who feel they can change.

If others have suggestions or comments regarding Robbie's situation, please reply as well. Thanks.
 
Checking in,I'm ok, for now, going through a better phase. Been more stable the last few days and feel a bit more like myself *(whatever that is) again. I have done a lot of serious thinking the last few days, and as scared as I am to admit it, I feel that I may have a multiple personality issue. For years, I have experienced periods of blackouts that I don't remember at all, or only vaguely remember as if from a dream, like, brief snippets, and I intellecutually know after the fact, but I don't remember being in the moment. I have periods where I am myself, functional, go to work, interact with friends, and have my own unique personality. But then suddenly and without warning, I just lose myself. It's like I go to sleep, but I am sleepwalking. I have these like voices in my head, but this one guy, is called Rob, and I wasn't even aware of him until the other day, when I noticed that he had signed up for a dating profile using my pictures only it wasn't me well it was,but I was dressed as a total jock and in athletic clothes, posing, things that is not me at all. The guy is apparently very promiscuous and sleeps around a ton, with tons of different guys. He's very aggressive, a complete slut, and reckless. He bought a car on his own pretending to be me, and left me with a huge bill and debt. I literally was not even aware of this until recently when I discovered a lot of things he had been doing and I believe he was coming out for many years going back at least to 2003. He has met guys and strangers as himself, using his name, but none of my immediate family seem to know of him, maybe he just pretends to be me around them and the other day I think he came out again because I drove all the way to another town to buy something I did NOT want or need but he spent my money and did it anyway.

You probably think I am a complete wack job, but I am only just putting this together. I don't even know how to begin to address this. I did tell a therapist once a few years ago, that I thought there was this other personality that came out, and she began to address it with me but I had several deaths in the family at the time so unfortunately was not able to continue to see her. I guess I need to tell the new therapist about this or print this out and show her. I have no idea if I am right or not, but I feel in my gut that this is going on.
 
One thing for sure, in my own case in as much as I mask my ASD and OCD, I can't say the same for my chronic clinical depression. I can remain functional, but it's when most often people ask me, "What's wrong?". Kind of like an attack of reflux. I really can't hide that either! :eek:

You and I have similar issues. This Coronavirus crisis really brought out my anxiety and depression. So now I am taking two different antideprepssants, one to control anxiety and the other for depression. And I also take CBD also. Yet I am completely functional and dependable at work.
 

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