What do you do when you get stuck?

[Karin]

As this question concerns my 11 yr daughter, one could argue it should be under Parenting. But I want to try to learn what goes on inside her head, not my head

At times she will dig herself a very deep hole and be unable to pull herself out. Example: Ida wanted to play with her friend who was not able to play with her. Ida then got very mad at me, glaring at me and demanding I produce her friend for her to play with. I stayed calm and it went on for a long time.

Another example: Ida wanted me to find her mini pool table in her room (she can't walk right now). I wasn't able to find it and Ida got very mad at me, demanding I produce it. In this case it turned up a few days later. She was totally excited, for about two hours. Haven't used it or cared about it since but in the situation it ruined a major part of her day that I couldn't find it.

In both cases it seemed impossible to divert her attention.

While I'm on the spectrum myself, I can only recall one such incidence from my own childhood and that just had to run its course. Those of you who knows what I'm talking about here, can you pull out? Is it desirable to pull out? What do you do yourself? What can others do for you?

 

[watersprite]

As far as I know from my own "being stuck" - times of being locked on to a negative - I am the only one who can get myself out of it. When looking back at memories, if I did not distract myself with an interest it would just gradually fade. In my case, anyone trying to help would make me more upset, and I'd withdraw.

 

[ChrisC1983]

as kestrel mentioned, i pretty much would do the same thing. i would usually draw or do something artistic which would help kick me out of it.. but still it could take a couple hours, or could take the rest of the day.. maybe 2 days (annoyed around dinner time.. doesn't go away that day so i fall asleep angry, wake up angry and eventually it dissipates because although i still feel angry i can't remember why) and i just had to get myself out of it

as a kid, i was able to do it myself.. as an adult, it just lingers until i push it down (yes i know thats bad) because i don't have the freedom or understanding around me to work out my own problems anymore.

from what i remember of what i did... it can be tough for a parent to watch. i know now that mine were probably concerned each time but them coming in and asking "are you ok?" or "do you need anything?" over and over just made it last longer. the freedom does help.. if she knows before hand that she can go to you for help (if she does want it) without you asking it may be helpful as well. as i said, in my case i didn't want to be bothered as it happened but if i knew before hand that i can ask for help eventually i might come out of my room to ask something or call from my room to ask for a sandwich or something.. it didn't seem like much but it did help things calm down faster for me and presents the opportunity for a parent to interject and say "are you feeling better?" because you know you want to ask... it just needs to be under certain circumstances. in my case anyway..

 

[Vinca]

As this question concerns my 11 yr daughter, one could argue it should be under Parenting. But I want to try to learn what goes on inside her head, not my head

At times she will dig herself a very deep hole and be unable to pull herself out. Example: Ida wanted to play with her friend who was not able to play with her. Ida then got very mad at me, glaring at me and demanding I produce her friend for her to play with. I stayed calm and it went on for a long time.

Another example: Ida wanted me to find her mini pool table in her room (she can't walk right now). I wasn't able to find it and Ida got very mad at me, demanding I produce it. In this case it turned up a few days later. She was totally excited, for about two hours. Haven't used it or cared about it since but in the situation it ruined a major part of her day that I couldn't find it.

In both cases it seemed impossible to divert her attention.

While I'm on the spectrum myself, I can only recall one such incidence from my own childhood and that just had to run its course. Those of you who knows what I'm talking about here, can you pull out? Is it desirable to pull out? What do you do yourself? What can others do for you?

I think this may be going in a different direction that perhaps you were wanting Karin, but I see some similarities in her behaviour with some of my own, so thought I'd mention the following, just in case it is relevant.

I've experienced periods of limited mobility and found that I would unintentionally redirect the frustration that accompanied the limitation of what I could do mobility wise, towards other situations where I wasn't able to do/have what I wanted to. I needed the satisfaction of feeling like I was in control and that I'd achieved something that I wanted to do/have, more than doing or having the thing itself. Limited mobility takes away aspects of freedom and the control a person has over their life, it can lead to them trying to gain a greater sense of control over other areas of their life. The importance of getting what one wants can also increase and along with that, the reaction to not getting what one wants, can be magnified.

Distraction early on has the best chance of pulling me out. Also, trying to address the underlying issues ie frustration in response to limited mobility, can help to prevent as many episodes.

 

[Karin]

I actually think you are spot on, Vinca! I can see that. I can also see how anger at her current situation could be directed to anger towards me.

I would leave her alone and give her space if she'd let me. She gets even more upset if I want to leave. At the same time I admit to loosing my cool on Saturday after a good half hour of angry 'HUH?!' every few minutes because I wasn't able to fix her and make her walk and talk. I raised my voice at her and she crumbled. So I'm working with the staff here at the hospital to find a way that will keep both of us sane Included in that is my need to understand her and the comments here are a great help!

 

[Kari Suttle]

Excuse me this is going to be impulsive .. Iam 100% sure I have Asperger's. A sibling has it really bad . I really need help . I think I'm supposed to start with a psychologist & change my diet as well, cognitive social skills studies. Read aspergers books. I'm trying daily Meditations/affirmations.

Any advice from anyone on here on what to do ??
Any happy people with as on here ?

While I'm on the spectrum myself, I can only recall one such incidence from my own childhood and that just had to run its course. Those of you who knows what I'm talking about here, can you pull out? Is it desirable to pull out? What do you do yourself? What can others do for you?

I get stuck and did get stuck as a kid but never to that extent. Of course, you seem like a good mother - my mom, while being a perfectly good loving mom most of the time, is very much a perfectionist and gets real angry real quick over almost nothing all the time, at the very least snaps at me when she's mad and at worst yells. I think growing up around that i learned to just shut up and stay away from her instead of vocalize what i was thinking. The only regular thing i would get stuck on was when mom would call me down for dinner and i would be stuck n whatever tv show i was watching or video game i was playing. I would insist to wait until it was done or i was finished with whatever part on the game i was on.

As an adult, i've simply learned to be more reasonable over time. Save often, prioritize, etc. Perhaps you can help her with this, perhaps you can't idk. Its something she'll have to learn herself over time. As a teenager and especially as an aspie we feel very strongly - i've heard it said that aspies feel whatever emotions they're feeling to the extreme, and at least for me that's true. I would think that as an almost teenager your child will probably end up dealing with that as well, and will need to learn how to manage that and her own reactions to everyday life issues. Its not bad for your child to feel angry that you could not find the pool table and that she expressed her feelings towards you, that i do not think is wrong. Insults and raising your voice are wrong though, and are not acceptable in any situation. But my point is, she needs to eventually learn how to manage herself in those situations, and that's something you as her mom can help her with. As an aspie and preteen though, your child will probably find that just as hard as i did. I know at that age i was unorganized, irresponsible, etc. If i'd had a normal mom and had been normal myself i probably would have reacted with the same temper that my little sister now displays with my mom, but the fact of the matter is my mom was the most strict with me and me not having a normal brain just made that worse. I just learned how to hide it and keep it in my head whereas your child appears to be expressing it instead.

I will say though, is her inability to walk a new thing? Like was she hurt or something? Cause if she's like laid up in bed with a broken leg or something like that then that will make everything she feels worse just from being frustrated with the situation. Just voicing my thoughts there. Overall, i think if you can teach your child to recognize when she is starting to feel stuck that will help - teach her to distract herself and let it go (i prefer reasoning and logic) - and help her learn to recognize when she's starting to feel stuck, that will help her learn to deal with it. That's helped me learn to deal with any range of strong negative feelings - feeling stuck, angry, anxious, etc. I think its called mindfullness.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

As this question concerns my 11 yr daughter, one could argue it should be under Parenting. But I want to try to learn what goes on inside her head, not my head

At times she will dig herself a very deep hole and be unable to pull herself out. Example: Ida wanted to play with her friend who was not able to play with her. Ida then got very mad at me, glaring at me and demanding I produce her friend for her to play with. I stayed calm and it went on for a long time.

Another example: Ida wanted me to find her mini pool table in her room (she can't walk right now). I wasn't able to find it and Ida got very mad at me, demanding I produce it. In this case it turned up a few days later. She was totally excited, for about two hours. Haven't used it or cared about it since but in the situation it ruined a major part of her day that I couldn't find it.

In both cases it seemed impossible to divert her attention.

While I'm on the spectrum myself, I can only recall one such incidence from my own childhood and that just had to run its course. Those of you who knows what I'm talking about here, can you pull out? Is it desirable to pull out? What do you do yourself? What can others do for you?

I think it may have to do with the way Aspers relate to the little boxes of knowledge that cascade through our thought stream and the focus we give to our
Interest du jour. I get frustrated and short with people that do not get what I am trying to express, for example.
I for one could not have a career for example. I could last perhaps three years and then I jumped into something entirely different. I found out much too late to care that this diverse skill set collecting was actually a sought out asset by some businesses. Furthermore and counter intuitive, folks that change jobs, within a field get raises and promotions more than the "loyal" employees.
Love, embrace and try not to wear yourself out.
Kids are strong people also. Perhaps she is testing the boundaries of her reality.
I'm not really a parent, I know nothing of what you are going through. I am still human and I have empathy. Is there something we can do to help?

 

[Tom]

I know we don't like changes to plans. It really messes some of us up and can easily last hours or the rest of the day.

It sounds like your daughter got the idea fixed in her mind and then was very frustrated/upset when it didn't work out.

So it may not be so much the issue is her 'having her way' as her trying to avoid the unsettled and unknown if the plan doesn't work out.

I think reasoning works fairly well. You may have to wait till they are calm enough to discuss it. But do go over it in a logical fashion explaining the situation and then if applicable suggesting alternates. They do have to learn that sometimes you just have to deal with a disappointment, but be sure to also explain the limit of the problem and its short duration.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I get stuck and did get stuck as a kid but never to that extent. Of course, you seem like a good mother - my mom, while being a perfectly good loving mom most of the time, is very much a perfectionist and gets real angry real quick over almost nothing all the time, at the very least snaps at me when she's mad and at worst yells. I think growing up around that i learned to just shut up and stay away from her instead of vocalize what i was thinking. The only regular thing i would get stuck on was when mom would call me down for dinner and i would be stuck n whatever tv show i was watching or video game i was playing. I would insist to wait until it was done or i was finished with whatever part on the game i was on.

As an adult, i've simply learned to be more reasonable over time. Save often, prioritize, etc. Perhaps you can help her with this, perhaps you can't idk. Its something she'll have to learn herself over time. As a teenager and especially as an aspie we feel very strongly - i've heard it said that aspies feel whatever emotions they're feeling to the extreme, and at least for me that's true. I would think that as an almost teenager your child will probably end up dealing with that as well, and will need to learn how to manage that and her own reactions to everyday life issues. Its not bad for your child to feel angry that you could not find the pool table and that she expressed her feelings towards you, that i do not think is wrong. Insults and raising your voice are wrong though, and are not acceptable in any situation. But my point is, she needs to eventually learn how to manage herself in those situations, and that's something you as her mom can help her with. As an aspie and preteen though, your child will probably find that just as hard as i did. I know at that age i was unorganized, irresponsible, etc. If i'd had a normal mom and had been normal myself i probably would have reacted with the same temper that my little sister now displays with my mom, but the fact of the matter is my mom was the most strict with me and me not having a normal brain just made that worse. I just learned how to hide it and keep it in my head whereas your child appears to be expressing it instead.

I will say though, is her inability to walk a new thing? Like was she hurt or something? Cause if she's like laid up in bed with a broken leg or something like that then that will make everything she feels worse just from being frustrated with the situation. Just voicing my thoughts there. Overall, i think if you can teach your child to recognize when she is starting to feel stuck that will help - teach her to distract herself and let it go (i prefer reasoning and logic) - and help her learn to recognize when she's starting to feel stuck, that will help her learn to deal with it. That's helped me learn to deal with any range of strong negative feelings - feeling stuck, angry, anxious, etc. I think its called mindfullness.

KS, nice post, nice touch.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

As this question concerns my 11 yr daughter, one could argue it should be under Parenting. But I want to try to learn what goes on inside her head, not my head

At times she will dig herself a very deep hole and be unable to pull herself out. Example: Ida wanted to play with her friend who was not able to play with her. Ida then got very mad at me, glaring at me and demanding I produce her friend for her to play with. I stayed calm and it went on for a long time.

Another example: Ida wanted me to find her mini pool table in her room (she can't walk right now). I wasn't able to find it and Ida got very mad at me, demanding I produce it. In this case it turned up a few days later. She was totally excited, for about two hours. Haven't used it or cared about it since but in the situation it ruined a major part of her day that I couldn't find it.

In both cases it seemed impossible to divert her attention.

While I'm on the spectrum myself, I can only recall one such incidence from my own childhood and that just had to run its course. Those of you who knows what I'm talking about here, can you pull out? Is it desirable to pull out? What do you do yourself? What can others do for you?

Karin, I was thinking that a shared interest or hobby may serve you both well, a interesting mutual bonding working, playing understanding thing,

 

[Karin]

Thank you once more for all the feed back! I truly appreciate it and I'm learning from it.

I should probably have mentioned my daughter's situation at present is not exactly normal. We are staying at the children's psychiatric ward for evaluation and diagnosis as well as help. She has not been able to speak words for about three months and haven't walked for about two months because she felt she couldn't trust or control her feet. The diagnosis is PDD-NOS, mild autism. Our quirks are almost identical so I understand her better than most.

She is clearly under a lot of pressure as she wants so badly to walk and talk again and now we have to stay over the summer. Her getting stuck on an issue that cannot be resolved has happened regularly in the past, though, and as Tom says I don't see it as her trying to get her way. It's her getting frustrated and feeling stuck. I see how hard it is for her and how wrought up she gets and want to see what the best way is for me to react when she gets in this state while still maintaining some reasonable balance for me.

I have told the staff at the hospital I really need a script for these situations, written together with Ida, so we both know in advance what actions to expect from me, e.g. "Now I need to take a break from this and will return in 10 minutes."

Our connection is close. She is a little afraid of most adults, finding them a bit intimidating, but she feels very safe with me - safe enough to dare throw teddies at me and have a fit

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have put so much focus in trying to be as low maintenance as possible that I'm not sure how I'd react if I was denied something. Especially since I put work into wanting things easy to come by, such as playing with jigsaw puzzles or drawing. Paper and pencils are dirt cheap and very portable. The times I have dug my heels in and made an absolute pest of myself, however, were completely justified because I'd had things like money stolen from me and I had no problem in going so far as public shaming to get it back.

My initial guess for her behaviour is seeking familiarity and comfort. Even if she is putting some lost weight back on at the hospital, it's a rather foreign environment and her bulldog bite on friends and stuff may be her way of coping.

 

[Karin]

One thing I admire my daughter immensely for is she is often able to manifest what she craves, even when everyone else says it can't happen. Such as a store opening that was supposed to closed on Sundays or things reappearing that has been lost. Her will power seems to be strong enough to pull in what she really wants. I tell her that when she is on the verge of getting stuck. To trust in her own powers to make things happen. I'm not sure she knows what I'm talking about yet but some day she will