Wasted Planning

[Shevek]

Recently I had to meet a new doctor and staff, and spent hours trying to come up with a good reply to "how are you feeling." I have occasionally been able to use some phrases I thought up in advance, but this time, I realized that when acting in real time, almost everything I say is very strongly constrained by who and what I'm responding to. It is a bit like planning a trip from the air, and then getting confined to the road network and its rules. I should spend less time planning conversations, and have more faith in my fast-response circuits. The effort should go into trying to learn from past gaffes, like not realizing that "the best time to reach me" should not fall far outside of normal business hours.

 

[Rodafina]

I have had this experience of wasted planning, too. I agree that honing our skills to be able to react in real time and learn from the past is more important than having pre-planned content for any given conversation.

For me, cultivating the right mindset - confident and calm - can help my "fast-response circuits" do their thing. Once I manage any anxiety I notice, my circuits are more accessible.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

At least within the narrow context of dealing with open-ended questions from medical professionals, and I literally deal with this every day, when a physician asks the nurse or other medical professionals how a patient is doing, or even if they are asking the patient, "How are you doing?" "How do you feel?", "How's the patient doing?" What they are really asking for are the "top 10" signs and symptoms you or the patient are experiencing. In other words, "What's not normal and bothering you today?" I joke around a bit, but the truth is, physicians generally don't care what you think, nor what your opinion is. Just give them all the available facts and let them make their own opinion. Very rarely are they actually interested in "how you feel".

 

[Aspychata]

Doctors are so pressured to see as many patients as they can, so they aren't there to coddle us.

 

[Shevek]

For-profit medical activity is a whole conflict of interest study by itself. Professionals in general have to put a lot of effort into just the objective goals and techniques to get things working that they try to avoid other considerations, even if those details are often spoiling their work.
However, I was pointing out the general case of over-preparing for conversations, as if one could think many moves ahead before a chess game has even started.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

@Shevek, this idea of "over-preparing" for conversations, in my experience, depends upon the conversation you are preparing for. For example, I know that for an important one-on-one conversation (a meeting with your employer, your therapist, your doctor, etc), or even if I am preparing for a presentation or lecture, I need to anticipate that someone is going to ask some clarifying questions. The last situation you want to put yourself in is the "I don't know, but I will get back with you." scenario, because it diminishes your credibility. I like to delve into some background research and know the topic well enough to have the ability to dig deeper into the topic, if needed. Some people just want the basic facts and get right to the point in as few words as possible. Some people are going to challenge you and you had better know your stuff. Another example is my advice for people who have difficulties articulating their thoughts (like many autistics, myself included), so preparing something written ahead of time, some notes, key points, (for you and the person you are speaking with) knowing that, in the moment, the other person could go off on some sort of tangent, or constantly interrupt your train of thought. I can use that tool to redirect the conversation. I can run a conversation or lecture in my head, repeatedly, for days, and then totally mess it up when it comes down to actually presenting my thoughts verbally. "Arrrggghhh!!!!" Horribly frustrating. Notes are a handy tool to fall back on.

So, it's not as if you are "in control" of the conversation at all times or can, through mental telepathy, anticipate or direct anyone's thoughts, perspectives, and words at any given time. It's nice if you can keep that control, but that's not reality in most cases. Someone is going to "throw you a curve ball" and you just have to pivot for a moment, then try to redirect the conversation back to your original point.

Now, yes, there are then the vast majority of everyday conversations that we get ourselves into that are random and can go anywhere. In these situations, the thoughts sort of have to be spontaneous and are dependent upon your "wit" and ability to quickly recall information.

 

[Shevek]

@Shevek, this idea of "over-preparing" for conversations, in my experience, depends upon the conversation you are preparing for. For example, I know that once an important one-on-one conversation (a meeting with your employer, your therapist, your doctor, etc), or even if I am preparing for a presentation or lecture, I need to anticipate that someone is going to ask some clarifying questions. The last situation you want to put yourself in is the "I don't know, but I will get back with you." scenario, because it diminishes your credibility. I like to delve into some background research and know the topic well enough to have the ability to dig deeper into the topic, if needed. Some people just want the basic facts and get right to the point in as few words as possible. Some people are going to challenge you and you had better know your stuff. Another example is my advice for people who have difficulties articulating their thoughts (like many autistics, myself included), so preparing something written ahead of time, some notes, key points, (for you and the person you are speaking with) knowing that, in the moment, the other person could go off on some sort of tangent, or constantly interrupt your train of thought. I can use that tool to redirect the conversation. I can run a conversation or lecture in my head, repeatedly, for days, and then totally mess it up when it comes down to actually presenting my thoughts verbally. "Arrrggghhh!!!!" Horribly frustrating. Notes are a handy tool to fall back on.

So, it's not as if you are "in control" of the conversation at all times and can, though mental telepathy, anticipate or direct anyone's thoughts, perspectives, and words at any given time. It's nice if you can keep that control, but that's not reality in most cases. Someone is going to "throw you a curve ball" and you just have to pivot for a moment, then try to redirect the conversation back to your original point.

Now, yes, there are then the vast majority of every day conversations that we get ourselves into that are random and can go anywhere. In these situations, the thoughts sort of have to be spontaneous and are dependent upon your "wit" and ability to quickly recall information.

Good points. I have fallen out of practice at that, even if there is a decent opportunity. I used to get my facts as well lined up as the correct change (tax included) in my hand at a till. A lot of people just want to hit a few check marks so they can move you along ASAP.

At the other end, someone in my friend circle wanted advice on what camera to buy. I asked what she wanted to photograph. The one-word answer was "trees" but it took her five minutes to get there. I did not try to help any more.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

At the other end, someone in my friend circle wanted advice on what camera to buy. I asked what she wanted to photograph. The one-word answer was "trees" but it took her five minutes to get there. I did not try to help any more.

As they say in the southern US, "Awe, bless your little heart." Yeah, I deal with that sort of intellect, as well.

 

[Cutesie]

I over-prepare a great deal, and it's not usually helpful. Either the conversation just doesn't go the way that I planned, or I stumble through it despite the planning.

"How are you?" is a real problem for me. Everyone asks it; most don't want to hear the answer. That type of question is already a big trigger for annoyance. It gets worse when the questioner does want to know. My moods change so rapidly, and with such tiny provocation, that being asked this question can shift my thinking immediately. My best mood is when I don't really feel one. Making me think about how I feel will cause me to enter a mood - almost always a negative one.