Unsure of oneself.

[ulixes]

Hello, I will try this and see how it goes as I find this hard to do. I never really know how to start or where to begin. I was diagnosed with aspergers last year at 42, which, in some way explain so much about me.

Growing up struggling and confused all the time always being on the outside including the family (not that matters now as they all disowned me). I tried on and off with working not really knowing what to do, but never lasting for long as I would get to a point where I had nothing left in me and I would just shutdown going very dark, I would come out of it being left alone for months, however, the older I become the harder it was to come out off, which has lead to being put into hospital and a few attempts and being dia as having depression. Well not at first I had few different dia given to me like schizophrenia, bipolar and so many pills which at times they had maxed out, not that any of the drugs did a lot for me, hence why I don't take anymore.

At the moment I do not work and don't really go out (not that I ever did), which in one way I feel better in myself about I'm quite happy in my bunker, it's just what I call my room where I listen to my music or play on the ps4 and to get away when things get to much. Also, I live with my girlfriend (first one ever) still cant believe it at times, how and why she puts up with me, with the nosies I make at times and hitting my head when I'm frustrated. She does look after me with making phone calls and coming with me to appt's etc, but when she is upset or something she says I'm a child and she is baby sitting then she changes her mind and says she did not mean it (very confusing).

I know this is very condensed and not sure if it really makes sense but is this wrong to be like this ?

 

[Southern Discomfort]

In what sense "wrong"? As an autistic? I think there are a range of people out there who experience things or parts of things like this. I've heard quite a few people who have really struggled to stay in work and they go into a dark place which eventually leads to them losing their employment. Yours is not the first account of having this sort of experience. It's not particularly unique. There's a lot of people - I'm actually included in this bracket - who find it really difficult to be out of their houses on their own or even with other people. Somewhat tied to anxiety but I also get a sense like it's not something I'm supposed to do on my own. I guess I haven't really developed beyond the restrictions that a minor is placed under. And for me it also probably didn't help that I don't live in a population centre so I could never just walk out and go somewhere.

 

[ulixes]

Hello Southern Discomfort and thanks, I always thought as a person I was wrong some how and not fitting in anywhere.