Trying to take the mask off

[Rasputin]

I came to these forums to unmask... I'm new here still, so whether or not this is a safe place to do so has yet to be determined. So far it has been ok though...

In my real life I don't feel like I can "safely" unmask. My viewpoints (which are general based on a strict code of rationality and logic) are far too "outside the norm" for most NTs not to react with all kinds of negative emotion.
Even with my wife of 20 years I haven't unmasked except occasionally unintentionally... Since my self-diagnosis however, I have slowly started to unmask more with her, because she now has a significantly greater understanding.. Basically, she no longer tries to frame my thoughts with an NT viewpoint.
I still would not consider it safe to unmask with most people...

I have tried unmasking some with my wife, and she is NOT accepting at all. In fact, she is repulsed by my rational, logical views. In addition, my voice apparently tends to rise during conversation, and she says I repeat myself just to irritate her. This is not the case, and she rejects the idea that I could be on the spectrum. So for now, the mask is up, I do my thing, and she does her thing. I have lots of experience shutting people out when I need to.

I have thought about seeking an official diagnosis, but only if I can control to distribution of results. And then there is the cost consideration. For someone in there 60s is it really worth it?

 

[Varzar]

I have tried unmasking some with my wife, and she is NOT accepting at all. In fact, she is repulsed by my rational, logical views. In addition, my voice apparently tends to rise during conversation, and she says I repeat myself just to irritate her. This is not the case, and she rejects the idea that I could be on the spectrum. So for now, the mask is up, I do my thing, and she does her thing. I have lots of experience shutting people out when I need to.

I have thought about seeking an official diagnosis, but only if I can control to distribution of results. And then there is the cost consideration. For someone in there 60s is it really worth it?

Don't know if the official diagnosis is worth it. I don't have one. It's pretty easy to figure out oneself if one is sufficiently self-reflective.. Do we really need an NT to tell us we are not NT?

What was helpful for my wife and I was some couples counselling. I mean, it's not going to be a very healthy relationship ever if she will never accept who you are.. How would she feel if she had depression and you rejected that, and told her it was "just in her head" or something.
I guess it depends if you care about your relationship being better than it is. But if I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone, I'd want them to at least try to understand me. To be willing to work at things being better. But maybe that's just me..

 

[Alexej]

to find out more about my real self, real personality that’s suppressed and embrace it.

now that is a goal worthy of a lifetime's exploration

 

[SimonSays]

People talk about masking and I realise how much I was masking when I was younger, without realising that I was. Without realising why. And I think masking without realising why is very damaging, at least it was to me, as it led me to live a life that wasn’t mine.

In order to deal with the world and fit in, to work in the world of the mostly NT, I had to create masks that actually became so efficient at making me seem like I was like them, that I started to believe that I was. As if I could actually exist in the NT world, as long as I was wearing the right suit, the right hat, said the right things in the right way, I began to fool them and myself into believing that I was NT too.

To a point that is. Because it always got to a point where suddenly I realised if I didn't back off, I would be discovered. I would be found out as a fraud. Like I was really just a little boy in a grown-up NT suit, who found he could experience their alien world, with everything needed to be able to survive it.

The moment somebody saw me as a little bit weird, revealing that the mask had slipped and my Difference had revealed itself, I couldn't bear it. I couldn't stand it. I had to get out of there quick.

At some point I realised I was wearing masks. I didn't know why I just knew they were helping me. But I realised that the masks were not helping me at all because I never got to practice being myself.

So eventually I decided I had to consciously remove the masks, to actually let who I was out. But having spent so much time wearing them without understanding why, when I left the protection of the masks, I didn't know how to be in the world at all. I had to surrender. I had to let God do it.

Within a year I found myself leaving the country to volunteer in Israel at the beginning of the first Gulf War. Then, as a result of the experiences I had there, ended up in India where I had profound mystical experiences that revealed to me that actually who I really was Is somebody I need to let out.

I've struggled with masks my whole life. Sometimes I still find that I'm wearing one without even realising it. I used to think it was important that I appear maskless because if I didn't I was a fake. I was deceiving. I was hiding myself. Now I understand why I was wearing masks and what they were protecting me from, and they were protecting me. But they were also deceiving me.

I no longer feel like I need to be protected even though I probably still do . In other words I need to be around people like me, and if I was around people like me where none of us have to wear masks because we recognise who we are and it's okay for us to be who we are, that would be perhaps the best solution of all.

 

[WolfSpirit]

I’m masking my whole life and I have no clue how to safely unmask.
Not just about masking my autistic traits, but also my personality in the process.
How can I find out what is really me and what is copied from others?

Has anyone some experience with the unmasking process and has some advice?
I would be so happy about that!

Now there's a complicated question! It's been a long time since I had this problem, but I guess my strongest benefit in the process was a strong sense of what felt "right", and what felt awful. There was a part of me that knew what was me and what wasn't, and rebelled strongly, if I veered too far from it for too long. Once I made the decision to become more "me", and to give up the rest (in safe circumstances), I sought out the external things (symbols, really, I guess) which could provide the valudation and reminders I needed. For me there were spirit guides involved. Eventually I found first one person, then more, who wanted to know the real me, and encouraged me to be her. That helped. Finding other autistic self advocates helped too. That external validation was quite important!

It was a long, difficult process, but I managed it, in stages. Now I very rarely mask. I also have a very quiet, undemanding life.