Trying to be optimistic, but failing >_<

[SimplyWandering]

So I took a new chapter in life in the last month, @33 years old I’ve actively invested time in my work....

I picked up a new job and am moving in with my bf after 2 years.

It’s all coming fast, however at the same time I feel like I have drifted away from friends. How are we supposed to take care of ourselves, try to have a functional life and work at the same time, then there are other things like exercising... it’s just too much :/. The alternative is feeling like I am not doing anything.

Half the time when not working I feel like crying from loneliness, being alone/without friends is very painful. I want to be around people, but that takes a lot of energy, so I don’t want to be around them, but I do want to be around them... am I giving Anyone a headache?

Anyone else feel like this?

 

[Wolfnox]

Yep. Advise making days exsclusive. One for friends one for cleaning or talking. Then exercise during free time.

 

[Bellacat]

I understand this feeling. Overwhelmed and so frustrated by the basic demands of life that other people seem to handle perfectly fine.

My psychologist suggested that this has to do with being a perfectionist. Is it possible that you are aiming too high? Are you trying to be a perfect human in every way? Perfectionism works against you in two ways: one is that you set standards you can't possibly reach so you feel like you fail all the time, and the other is that it takes an awful lot of energy to constantly evaluate and criticize yourself and that gives you less energy to actually do things, and it becomes a downward spiral.

Unfortunately we can't do it all and it can be really hard to accept that. Especially when it feels like you can't even stay on top of the basic things that everyone around you seems to be handling with ease. Even if you accept it on an intellectual level you still have to make the choice to actually let some things slide, and that's not an easy thing either.

I recently noticed that I had been comparing my life to my beliefs about how other people live their lives. For example, almost every time I've been in another person's house it's been clean and tidy, yet they're also full of energy and friendly etc etc. I would look at my own house and wonder why I can't keep it looking like theirs. I was 29 years old when it occurred to me that people tidy their homes before having guests. Duh.

People put on a good impression for others, but I actually bought into those impressions and that caused me to be excessively hard on myself. The idea that life is a breeze for everyone else and I was a failure was completely wrong.

Since my diagnosis I have begun learning to go easier on myself when it comes to managing my life. Not only because I realized that other people aren't actually living the perfect lives that I thought and my standards for myself were pure fantasy, but because I understand why certain things really are a little harder for me than others (and that some other things are actually easier). I'm learning to focus on my strengths.

I've also been learning about executive functions and how to manage my deficiencies with them a little better. There's a book called Smart but Scattered on this subject which was helpful and interesting. That inspired me to start using a bullet journal and Google Calendar to manage my time and offload things I was trying to keep in my head all the time. I highly recommend this or just a regular day planner if that works for you. Keep it where you eat and update it after meals, or some other time that fits naturally into your daily routine. Writing things down really helps relieve mental clutter and frees up a lot of mental processing power, which has made a noticeable difference in my mental clarity. It also gives you a reality check so you can see where your time is going. This relieved the feeling that I wasn't doing anything. If you can find ways to simplify your day to day life and be more gentle with yourself, hopefully it will be a little easier to find time and energy for maintaining your friendships.

Hope this helps

 

[Aspychata]

I knew somebody who was getting dangerously close to the edge due to a medical reason and she started journaling her to do list and that kept her grounded. She also noted how she felt, her sleep patterns, and this helped her feel more on top and last scattered in her thinking. She as a result, was able to move on and have a operation that saved her life.

 

[mummifiedcircuitry]

I don't have a lot of close friends but I have many acquaintances. I used to want a ton of close friends but I have since realized I need space from ppl after a few hours, regardless of how I feel about them. I understand the pain of feeling isolated but also your ambivalence towards spending time around ppl. I hope you find peace in solitude and when life calls on you to socialize.

 

[Judge]

Half the time when not working I feel like crying from loneliness, being alone/without friends is very painful. I want to be around people, but that takes a lot of energy, so I don’t want to be around them, but I do want to be around them... am I giving Anyone a headache?

Anyone else feel like this?

Quite often personally I believe that this "love/hate" relationship we have with people in general is at the very heart of our autism, as is a need for daily routine. With little way to explain it beyond the words I just used.

One thing for sure, moving in with a significant other is bound to upset the balance of your social life as you knew it. Where your challenge is to accept it, and somehow try to maintain copacetic relationships with both your friends and significant others. IMO a very difficult task for many of us on the spectrum of autism.

Be patient with your own feelings, and try not to do anything socially abrupt when your life has so much positive- and negative turmoil happening at the same time. I know in my own case it was abrupt reactions to such things that usually was the catalyst for social ruin in my life. Something that took me years to understand.

 

[Dr. Eh Hol]

It's easy to get overwhelmed, but give yourself some credit. Most non-ASD people put very little personal effort into decision making, relying instead on their passive interpretation of social cues to run their lives. This frees up a considerable amount of time. ASDs are usually the opposite, where every decision must be made carefully and properly over-thought.

Besides, many of the things normies talk about or claim they do is simply peacocking for social capital...you know, lying. A "workout bag" is a good example: I know a handful of people that carry a workout bag with them to make others think they are healthy, fitness-minded, and generally responsible. These same people are overweight, eat poorly, and don't actually exercise. The workout bag makes it appear that they spend several hours per week exercising, when in reality they are at McDonalds or on Facebook. Note there's nothing morally wrong with this, but you shouldn't be misled into thinking there is some high bar that you are failing to adhere to. Normies talk a lot of BS, it's easy for ASDs to accidentally take it seriously...or, worse, attempt to mimic the behavior and fail miserably.

If people are that important to you, you should jettison other stuff to fit people into your life. Friends are a lot less draining, but that's only when they exist. I'm your age, and can identify three separate "friend dynasties" of my life. The last one ended two years ago, and I currently have no friends. Normies just leave after a season, and it's something I'll never understand as I am fiercely loyal to good friends. They inevitably opt for another social circle and leave me behind. It doesn't make me feel bad so much as confused - normies are so unpredictable. This isn't an ASD only phenomenon - the wife is in a similar boat only having one friend.

 

[Fino]

Perhaps it has some relation to self-worth. In case it does, try to remember that whether you do nothing or everything, you are enough.

 

[Gracey]

Prioritise for now,
rather than spreading yourself too thin.

Set reminders or alarms on phone to stay on track with what's important,
- before getting too overloaded and distracted.

If you were to make a note of everything you've done throughout your day,
you may surprise yourself with just how much you actually do for yourself and others.

Getting anxious rarely changes an outcome,
changing your priorities and expectations of yourself yields better results.

Lower the bar slightly, you're only human