BloodyKun108
just some artist
Bit of an unusual thread I guess. Lots of people come here with pragmatic questions, sometimes understandably a bit out there but still simple, and here I am mostly just wanting to vent…yelling into the void in a sense because I don’t really have any other avenue where anyone might understand or even attempt to take it seriously. Suppose it’s hard to blame family when I’ve tried to confide much of anything in recent years just to be laughed off or completely misunderstood in some way.
In my late teens to early twenties I was having a bit of a crisis. Arguably the worst time of my life. I may be in worse health now, but much worse in mental health then. I finally managed to drag myself out of despair through raw anger, out of spite, seeking out only base desires and in total disregard fir those around me. Perhaps not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but rarely do I find any real solutions to be lacking in nuance. At least for some on the spectrum, I can’t imagine empty platitudes often work well at convincing ourselves of more positive things in life.
There were many aspects of my life fueling grief and frustration, but as one might imagine, one was centered around my lack of any success in dating, as well as a particularly strong obsession with one person who seemed glad to have it whenever it suited them, mostly whenever they felt neglected by their object of interest. Needless to say, things turned out pretty ugly, especially having known them since my early teens. When you’re as awkward and shy as I was, warming up to anyone took a long time, and being that young you’re naive enough to believe in the Disney version of how romance is supposed to work out.
It’s not like I necessarily swore off anything since. The last time I felt anything at all for anyone was I think in 2019? Before I moved anyway. All things considered, it ended much more amicably, but still, along with a few small incidents here and there, eroded my trust in much of anything anyone had to tell me when actions speak so much louder. I have had friends, distant as they are, but otherwise I have simply felt nothing for anyone I might have crushed on in the past. It almost feels like there must be something wrong or broken just to look at someone and be able to discern there is no interest just from that alone, but it is what it is. I can simply tell I’m invisible to people beyond any professional or casual obligation out in public, never mind at any jobs I’ve had or otherwise. It’s not like I even blame them or anything, just an odd and isolating feeling.
Since that time, and since my health had declined from stress at my last job, my goals in life have shifted from having the things I enjoy most to simply trying to avoid or reduce stress. Not easy nor necessarily realistic to ever vanquish, more of a mindset than anything else, and one in which I still realize I have my vices. Above all else, living honestly is a virtue I hold, especially in the face of ideas like masking. I wear my heart on my sleeve with all my interests and ideas on full display, and that is a true confidence and love for myself which I feel flies in the face of those who often give that kind of advice. It doesn’t often win anyone over or do me any favors but I don’t care anyway. Is that the ultimate goal here?
This may all seem a bit of rambling and honestly I’ve kind of lost track of how I wanted to get to my point, but I’ll go ahead and try - despite everything, the loneliness is still present. Perhaps it comes and goes, still burying my head in my interests until I get burnt out on one and try to juggle into another, or I’m simply too busy with one thing to think about it, but boy do I have a ton of free time to simply let my mind wander. I almost feel like it hurts worse now than before, with not having had any clear object of affection to focus any feelings on, almost like it’s a ghost or I’m mourning any perceived chances I might have had if I’d done things differently. It’s why I’ve rarely ever come to these kinds of forums, sometimes just out of curiosity, never feeling the point of posting my own until now. Just entertaining the idea of meeting anyone new at this point in my life, it never feels natural anymore, like there are many people already with some chip on their shoulder or some baggage or just in the middle of things, and here I am with simply no such experience, nor do I want to have to take on anyone else’s problems when they more than likely would not have given me the time of day a decade or two ago. It all just seems so unpleasant compared to the amount of effort it seems to take these days to stand out.
That is all to say, despite learning to enjoy my solitude and freedom and getting a dose of reality secondhand from those around me in less than stellar relationships, the loneliness remains whenever I have time to dwell on things. Many told me libido tends to die off past 30 - I find that to be blatantly false, guess everyone is different, but at least that is relatively manageable, these days more than ever. But I worry that this feeling may never fully leave me. So I figured I’d at least ask around anyone else well into their years what things are like for them if they are alone. I’ve got to imagine there must be better ways than simple distractions to help mitigate it at least. Thanks for reading.
In my late teens to early twenties I was having a bit of a crisis. Arguably the worst time of my life. I may be in worse health now, but much worse in mental health then. I finally managed to drag myself out of despair through raw anger, out of spite, seeking out only base desires and in total disregard fir those around me. Perhaps not the healthiest of coping mechanisms, but rarely do I find any real solutions to be lacking in nuance. At least for some on the spectrum, I can’t imagine empty platitudes often work well at convincing ourselves of more positive things in life.
There were many aspects of my life fueling grief and frustration, but as one might imagine, one was centered around my lack of any success in dating, as well as a particularly strong obsession with one person who seemed glad to have it whenever it suited them, mostly whenever they felt neglected by their object of interest. Needless to say, things turned out pretty ugly, especially having known them since my early teens. When you’re as awkward and shy as I was, warming up to anyone took a long time, and being that young you’re naive enough to believe in the Disney version of how romance is supposed to work out.
It’s not like I necessarily swore off anything since. The last time I felt anything at all for anyone was I think in 2019? Before I moved anyway. All things considered, it ended much more amicably, but still, along with a few small incidents here and there, eroded my trust in much of anything anyone had to tell me when actions speak so much louder. I have had friends, distant as they are, but otherwise I have simply felt nothing for anyone I might have crushed on in the past. It almost feels like there must be something wrong or broken just to look at someone and be able to discern there is no interest just from that alone, but it is what it is. I can simply tell I’m invisible to people beyond any professional or casual obligation out in public, never mind at any jobs I’ve had or otherwise. It’s not like I even blame them or anything, just an odd and isolating feeling.
Since that time, and since my health had declined from stress at my last job, my goals in life have shifted from having the things I enjoy most to simply trying to avoid or reduce stress. Not easy nor necessarily realistic to ever vanquish, more of a mindset than anything else, and one in which I still realize I have my vices. Above all else, living honestly is a virtue I hold, especially in the face of ideas like masking. I wear my heart on my sleeve with all my interests and ideas on full display, and that is a true confidence and love for myself which I feel flies in the face of those who often give that kind of advice. It doesn’t often win anyone over or do me any favors but I don’t care anyway. Is that the ultimate goal here?
This may all seem a bit of rambling and honestly I’ve kind of lost track of how I wanted to get to my point, but I’ll go ahead and try - despite everything, the loneliness is still present. Perhaps it comes and goes, still burying my head in my interests until I get burnt out on one and try to juggle into another, or I’m simply too busy with one thing to think about it, but boy do I have a ton of free time to simply let my mind wander. I almost feel like it hurts worse now than before, with not having had any clear object of affection to focus any feelings on, almost like it’s a ghost or I’m mourning any perceived chances I might have had if I’d done things differently. It’s why I’ve rarely ever come to these kinds of forums, sometimes just out of curiosity, never feeling the point of posting my own until now. Just entertaining the idea of meeting anyone new at this point in my life, it never feels natural anymore, like there are many people already with some chip on their shoulder or some baggage or just in the middle of things, and here I am with simply no such experience, nor do I want to have to take on anyone else’s problems when they more than likely would not have given me the time of day a decade or two ago. It all just seems so unpleasant compared to the amount of effort it seems to take these days to stand out.
That is all to say, despite learning to enjoy my solitude and freedom and getting a dose of reality secondhand from those around me in less than stellar relationships, the loneliness remains whenever I have time to dwell on things. Many told me libido tends to die off past 30 - I find that to be blatantly false, guess everyone is different, but at least that is relatively manageable, these days more than ever. But I worry that this feeling may never fully leave me. So I figured I’d at least ask around anyone else well into their years what things are like for them if they are alone. I’ve got to imagine there must be better ways than simple distractions to help mitigate it at least. Thanks for reading.
