The Inherent Loneliness of Autism

[Brian39WV]

When I was younger (think teenage years, college, and into my mid 20s perhaps) I knew I was a little bit different- didn't quite fit in. The thing is I kind of thought time would smooth everything out. That I would become more like other people and other people would become more like me.

To be blunt I thought people processed, saw, and thought about the world in a very similar manner to myself. That actually gave me a great bit of comfort with people. Allowed me to trust them much more. Feel more comfortable around them. The problem is my mind seemed to keep going in one direction while the rest of the world went in different direction.

As my 20s progressed I found myself lonelier and lonelier. I actually had a group of friends when I was an undergraduate. By the time I was in graduate school I was having a harder and harder time socializing. I remember one night at a bar with a group of fellow grad students, I just sat there. I realized I had nothing to say, and they basically had nothing to say to me. I was never invited out again after that night.

I was diagnosed as autistic two years ago. One would think this would provide comfort of a sort, explain things a little bit I suppose. But it made me feel tremendously lonely. I saw clearly for the first time how vast the chasm between myself and most people actually was. It is not like I was just asking out the right girl away from having a girlfriend. I was not the right party away from having a group of friends again. I was different and there was not much either side could do to bridge that gap.

I have been isolating to greater and greater degrees in my life since I graduated from college. In say my late 20s and early 30s I thought of it more as a temporary isolation- at least until I met the right people or whatever it might be. Now my isolation feels eternal.

Loneliness has been a constant companion of mine and my autism makes me feel like it is something I will never quite shake. I'll admit I have accepted a slightly diminished life- I will never have a ton of friends or a healthy social circle. I will never make much money. I will never have much of a career. I will never have kids. And my job opportunities are limited to jobs where I do not work with people very much. I have learned to part with these things, and I really do not even feel their absence anymore. I certainly feel I am asking a lot less out of life than most people and it honestly does not bother me at all anymore.

The one thing I haven't given up on is a romantic relationship. In my heart and in my soul, I know I am capable of a romantic relationship. Even though no one has ever given me the chance. I know I can still connect with other individuals in a one-on-one basis.

Love in many ways is my last real connection to the social world. Personally, I can think of no better thing to cling to unto the bitter end. Success, politics, power, money, theology, war, philosophy, science all mean nothing to me. I have left those aspects of the human condition to the rest of you. But I still ask and strive for love. At least from my perspective I am not sure I believe in anything else.

 

[Tired]

Did you check are there any autistic meetups in your town or somewhere nearby? If there are, you can visit it once to see what people are there and to get their contact.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

When I was younger (think teenage years, college, and into my mid 20s perhaps) I knew I was a little bit different- didn't quite fit in. The thing is I kind of thought time would smooth everything out. That I would become more like other people and other people would become more like me.

My experience, as well.

To be blunt I thought people processed, saw, and thought about the world in a very similar manner to myself. That actually gave me a great bit of comfort with people. Allowed me to trust them much more. Feel more comfortable around them. The problem is my mind seemed to keep going in one direction while the rest of the world went in different direction.

Exactly. I was totally oblivious that other people's experience was different than mine.

One would think this would provide comfort of a sort, explain things a little bit I suppose. But it made me feel tremendously lonely. I saw clearly for the first time how vast the chasm between myself and most people actually was.

Agree. I didn't know what I didn't know. I think because I didn't have any real personal conversations with anyone about it, the topic never came up. I had no idea their sensory, emotional, and communication experience was totally different than mine.

I have been isolating to greater and greater degrees in my life since I graduated from college. In say my late 20s and early 30s I thought of it more as a temporary isolation- at least until I met the right people or whatever it might be. Now my isolation feels eternal.

I am lucky enough to have a good job to go to... I get more than my fill of "people" there. At home, on my own time, I actually try to avoid people.

The one thing I haven't given up on is a romantic relationship. In my heart and in my soul, I know I am capable of a romantic relationship. Even though no one has ever given me the chance. I know I can still connect with other individuals in a one-on-one basis.

Love in many ways is my last real connection to the social world. Personally, I can think of no better thing to cling to unto the bitter end. Success, politics, power, money, theology, war, philosophy, science all mean nothing to me. I have left those aspects of the human condition to the rest of you. But I still ask and strive for love. At least from my perspective I am not sure I believe in anything else.

Relationships are a 2-way street. Both of you must have something to contribute... something that the other one values in some way. You talk about not having a lot of money, nor a job, and living with your parents. So, you have to be very honest with yourself... given that situation... and ask, "In lieu of that, what else can I offer? What is going to make yourself "the guy" that a woman is looking for?" The reality is that there is a bit of "marketing" involved.

 

[Outdated]

Most of us don't get life handed to us on a gilded platter. We get nothing that we don't work for, relationships included.

I remember one night at a bar with a group of fellow grad students, I just sat there. I realized I had nothing to say, and they basically had nothing to say to me. I was never invited out again after that night.

Surely you would take a hint from this that your behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change.

Go out and meet people and actually pay attention to what they say. Ask them questions about what they're saying. Show that you're actually interested in what they're saying. And in doing this you learn things that people like to talk about.

And in most societies religion and politics are taboo topics.

 

[Tired]

And in most societies religion and politics are taboo topics.

and trains!

 

[velociraptor]

Most of us don't get life handed to us on a gilded platter. We get nothing that we don't work for, relationships included.

Truth, although I'm not a lonely person. If anything, I need more solitude. There's a list of stuff I am supposedly supposed to experience on the spectrum that I am not. People keep missing me when they send out these memos. Poor manners there, I'm thinking.

 

[Dagan]

I can do 50/50 per solitude/public, but I prefer about 85/15. Something else to just throw in here: I've realized that I'm not a fan of controlling people (more than most) expressly due to autistic traits (so this likely applies to about all of us) - I'm already holding myself to controlled structure/routines/standards/etc. That in itself lends to solitude in ways, or it usually winds up being that we have processes that we need to be alone to function just right (or even enjoy). I don't mean this to be the case 100%, but a high percentage for sure.

Per the "enjoyment" area, I am talking about hobbies/coping mechs. Watching a movie (I can't have people trying to talk or such - I'd rather be or feel alone as possible and soak it in). Same with some music projects - definitely when working on writing projects (I may listen to music, but it has to be classical with no vocals - I can't have words going on when my head is full of them already being "heard"). These kinds of things.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Did you check are there any autistic meetups in your town or somewhere nearby? If there are, you can visit it once to see what people are there and to get their contact.

Good idea, what I would have done before joining this forum, I went here as covid was raging. All groups closed. After all I noticed now like likes like. I would give an arm and leg to meet a fellow physics enthusiast. I guess I already did stroke. did real job on arm and leg. 40,000 views on physics thread and growing. Would love to meet some of you.

 

[thejuice]

Yes I very much identify with the feeling when I was young that things would just kind of 'work out' in time, socially and academically. I had the same feeling of dissapoinment when going to a party didnt change things. Somehow life would be different when I went to college or started working. However I only had limited success and most relationships turned out to be a frenemy dynamic.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I am the most social person in my family even more so than my NT brothers. My dad was a real extrovert.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Surely you would take a hint from this that your behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change.

Go out and meet people and actually pay attention to what they say. Ask them questions about what they're saying. Show that you're actually interested in what they're saying. And in doing this you learn things that people like to talk about.

This is where I think that many of us struggle with. I know I do, for sure. I have this autism-related auditory processing condition where if I am in a multi-person social situation I might not hear all the words clearly, I often do not know the proper timing to jump into and out of a multi-person conversation, and three, a lot of people want to talk about people... and I do NOT. I am interested in things, ideas, concepts... digging into things deeply. I have yet to run across anyone that likes to do that in real life. Most are quickly put off by it. So, I end up just taking up space and not really able to interact... and it's mentally exhausting to the point where I am trashed the next day. Sure... I will do it, make an appearance because it might be important to someone there that I do (retirement, holidays, etc.), but I don't have the skills. Again... the only reason I might be invited to some social event... even family... is because my wife is bringing me. It's not that I "dislike" social interaction, it's that I do not get that serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin "hit" that a lot of other people do. I've never had the experience afterward of "that was a lot of fun".

So, yes, what you suggest above is true, but that would require a tremendous conscious effort on my part that would leave me mentally trashed... maybe an hour, tops, if I really put myself into it. I don't know where @Brian39WV is with all of this... and to suggest that behavior needs to change...and I agree... is easier said than done.

 

[RemyZee]

Most of us don't get life handed to us on a gilded platter. We get nothing that we don't work for, relationships included.


Surely you would take a hint from this that your behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change.

Go out and meet people and actually pay attention to what they say. Ask them questions about what they're saying. Show that you're actually interested in what they're saying. And in doing this you learn things that people like to talk about.

And in most societies religion and politics are taboo topics.

Religion and politics? That's ALL I want to talk about. No wonder no one wants to be around me.

 

[thejuice]

This is where I think that many of us struggle with. I know I do, for sure. I have this autism-related auditory processing condition where if I am in a multi-person social situation I might not hear all the words clearly, I often do not know the proper timing to jump into and out of a multi-person conversation, and three, a lot of people want to talk about people... and I do NOT. I am interested in things, ideas, concepts... digging into things deeply. I have yet to run across anyone that likes to do that in real life. Most are quickly put off by it. So, I end up just taking up space and not really able to interact... and it's mentally exhausting to the point where I am trashed the next day. Sure... I will do it, make an appearance because it might be important to someone there that I do (retirement, holidays, etc.), but I don't have the skills. Again... the only reason I might be invited to some social event... even family... is because my wife is bringing me. It's not that I "dislike" social interaction, it's that I do not get that serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin "hit" that a lot of other people do. I've never had the experience afterward of "that was a lot of fun".

So, yes, what you suggest above is true, but that would require a tremendous conscious effort on my part that would leave me mentally trashed... maybe an hour, tops, if I really put myself into it. I don't know where @Brian39WV is with all of this... and to suggest that behavior needs to change...and I agree... is easier said than done.

Ah auditory processing disorder. I am exhausted after parties because it takes so much concentration to pick out words in the din. My brain doesn't filter sound so it ends up like a Motorhead concert, "Everything louder than everyone else!"

 

[Outdated]

I have this autism-related auditory processing condition where if I am in a multi-person social situation I might not hear all the words clearly, I often do not know the proper timing to jump into and out of a multi-person conversation, and three, a lot of people want to talk about people... and I do NOT.

This is the same for me as well, and as Juice mentioned it does burn me out, but consider the situation on a transactional level. What do I want and what am I prepared to pay for it?

OP wants a girlfriend but isn't prepared to put in any of the effort required to meet one. Good luck with that.

 

[NB79]

Most of us don't get life handed to us on a gilded platter. We get nothing that we don't work for, relationships included.


Surely you would take a hint from this that your behaviour is unacceptable and needs to change.

Go out and meet people and actually pay attention to what they say. Ask them questions about what they're saying. Show that you're actually interested in what they're saying. And in doing this you learn things that people like to talk about.

And in most societies religion and politics are taboo topics.

There is autistic that don't have your abilities, i don't mean to be aggresive, i just say, some us lack the skill or ability, or who knows what to be more social, is like trying to grow a leg you don't have no amount of effort improves things, i tried and i couldn't hold the 'theatrics' for long, and all would crash down, and made me feel worse.