The cost of suppressing your autie/aspie self

[royinpink]

This year has been rough for me. Like (I gather) many aspies under stress, I've had a lot harder time 'pretending to be normal' and more of the negative stuff--reduced ability to handle executive functioning, having meltdowns, going nonverbal, needing to stim or cover my ears in public. I've always been verbal and 'passed' as merely eccentric, so that's been a tough one for me to explain. Like 'No, I am not making excuses because I have a diagnosis--I really cannot handle this right now.' I'm not sure it's severe enough to call 'autistic regression' but it's still frustrating.

One thing I noticed is that the tension I've always kept in my shoulders has, over the past few years, gotten worse due to joint problems. When I get overloaded, this means I'm out for 2 days or so with a headache/shoulder-ache. Sometimes I watch TV or go online. Sometimes I do yoga or stretch. I don't talk much. Mostly, I sleep. Right now, that's happening just about every weekend.

My recent discovery, though, is that while I was attempting to relax and not tighten my shoulders, I reacted to a tense scene immediately by rocking. Normally I would automatically suppress that without even knowing (seriously, even my own mother didn't notice I rock, although any partner I've had could tell you I do ). I conclude from this that a lot of what is building up in my body is tension I'm not letting out by stimming or otherwise being myself.

It's frustrating to finally realize what's causing me so much pain while at the same time knowing I still can't change my presentation/behavior in the workplace to suit myself.

Anyone have similar experiences? Ways to release tension so it doesn't build up like that? Ways to reconnect with what feels natural to you after so many years of wearing an NT mask?

 

[Spiller]

Aaah, pretending to be normal

I suffered terrible lower back pain for years, up until I started meditating and running every day.. and especially since I've become more self-aware, able to see the effects of my comorbidities as- or at least after- they affect me. I was examined, x-rayed and given painkillers (which I stopped taking in favour of small amounts of cannabis when I discovered they caused IBS), then I was ignored for years.
When I found out about anxiety, depression and Autism, I realised that I'd accidentally/instinctively(?) solved the problem myself and that my pain was the direct result of severe anxiety causing muscle-spasming all along! The amount of time I had to take off of work because I was unable to walk, all the time I spent hobbling slowly around with a walking stick when I couldn't afford time off..

It's frustrating to finally realize what's causing me so much pain while at the same time knowing I still can't change my presentation/behavior in the workplace to suit myself.

I feel two opposing ways about this frustration in myself - I'd love not to have to feel the stress of self-conciousness at having to maintain that automatic, constant vigilance over my stims.. and I hate how the stims themselves cause physical problems and stress to my mind and body.

- My hands hover in front of me like two wild birds with independent wills and I constantly have to keep them away from touching/rubbing/hiding my face, scratching, tapping, or risk looking nervous/shifty/depressed, or however restless hands are generally (ill-) perceived.
- My teeth grinding causes head- and ear- aches and broken and worn teeth.
- And.. and.. and..

I'm tired of having to eternally consider my behaviour for 'abnormalities', I'm tired of the self-perpetuating cycle of anxiety caused by my comorbids, despite my best efforts to consciously reduce it so I can move forward in my life..

Where is that place, that little bit I can feel inside my mind, where Fear dwells and anxiety originates? Is there any way to turn it off or excise it?
I feel like - if I could do that, sure, I'd still be an eccentric, an Aspie and that's fine, but all that cognitive space that's taken up with ^all that^ would be freed up, a huge weight off my shoulders.

 

[Kobus]

My dad says his proud of me of how I have learned how to understand others and situations and can function normally, but to me it is depressing and frustrating, because all the time o have been trying to be normal I could have spend being extraordinary. My passion is science and music, but I spend my entire life learning when to nod in a conversation. And no as my grades drop people wonder what is wrong. But in the same sense learning how to handle stress IS necessary, so it all comes down to balance, know when to stop and when to keep going, I can't really tell you what the solution is, because I struggle myself and because only you know you best and can come up with a solution that is comparable with you. Don't feel ashamed or bothered by your grade of autism, it is never easy being different and never healthy pretending your not.

 

[Adora]

I get headaches a lot and I grind my teeth in my sleep,I also get lower back pain and I get tired and drained really easily,it's hard to act or attempt to be normal I've struggled with it most of my life.

 

[Karin]

I was in the business world with a normal job for almost 20 years. Every single year I was sick from October to April with flue, cold and all sorts of regular diseases. When I finally created a stress situation that was so strong I had to leave the work force, all those health issues cleared. That was 9 years ago. Wver since I barely have one cold every second year.

What is bugging me to bits is I can't find a way to make money. I've getting by for nine years on a variety of temporary disability and unemployment hiding the fact I feel incapeble of holding a regular job, all of this before I realized I'm probably on the spectrum but I also don't see how that would have changed anything. I do have some plans for freelance work but right now I'm hospitalized with my daughter in the psychiatric ward. At least my husband makes money...

 

[Judge]

Anyone have similar experiences? Ways to release tension so it doesn't build up like that? Ways to reconnect with what feels natural to you after so many years of wearing an NT mask?

Only one thing ever existed to sufficiently recharge my batteries after so much energy was expended from masking during socialization of most any kind.

Regular solitude. Where I'm simply "me" and no one else.

Still amazing that after all these years I never really tried to understand the stress and exhaustion of socialization, and all those tension headaches afterwards. I just figured, "I'm an introvert, that's all."

 

[royinpink]

The amount of time I had to take off of work because I was unable to walk, all the time I spent hobbling slowly around with a walking stick when I couldn't afford time off..

Oh god, that's awful. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Where is that place, that little bit I can feel inside my mind, where Fear dwells and anxiety originates? Is there any way to turn it off or excise it?

Maybe we should not be looking for a way to excise the anxiety but an environment that is less anxiety-inducing. (....combined with regular exercise, and possibly meds or tai chi.)

it is depressing and frustrating, because all the time o have been trying to be normal I could have spend being extraordinary

I totally agree. It is beyond frustrating how much time I waste dealing with anxiety or the physical side effects when I could be doing something worthwhile.

I get headaches a lot and I grind my teeth in my sleep,I also get lower back pain and I get tired and drained really easily

Yes, I get all of those as well. I've been a teeth-grinder pretty much since preschool. And I'm tired constantly.

I was in the business world with a normal job for almost 20 years. Every single year I was sick from October to April with flue, cold and all sorts of regular diseases.

Ugh. My sympathies go out to you as well. That's horrible! I used to be much more sensitive to colds, flu, and GI issues, but I think my immune system has finally toughened up a bit (that, or the fact that I am less depressed--depression will run down your immune system and make chronic pain worse), plus probiotics help. Still, when I get really stressed, everything shuts down again.

Regular solitude. Where I'm simply "me" and no one else.

I'm learning just how much I need this. And with it, to accept myself, I think. Which makes it all the more frustrating to fit back into that stupid mold.

 

[Judge]

I'm learning just how much I need this. And with it, to accept myself, I think. Which makes it all the more frustrating to fit back into that stupid mold.

Indeed, it's always a challenge when 98% of the rest of society tells you you're supposed to be sociable.

Even though we live in a different world. A reality for us which the rest of the world can never truly relate to.

 

[royinpink]

Indeed, it's always a challenge when 98% of the rest of society tells you you're supposed to be sociable.

Even though we live in a different world. A reality for us which the rest of the world can never truly relate to.

It is completely insane what some of us put ourselves through to be accepted in that world. No one should be forced to be sick half the year or need a walking stick just to make NTs feel comfortable and avoid discrimination.

 

[Judge]

It is completely insane what some of us put ourselves through to be accepted in that world. No one should be forced to be sick half the year or need a walking stick just to make NTs feel comfortable and avoid discrimination.

Where more often than not, the only real "payoff" is not to get an emotional or physical beating from others.

I've never felt any joy from successfully employing a mask of any kind. It just meant dodging a bullet. Not much else. But the "price tag" for doing so never changed either. It's simply exhausting.

 

[Lealea]

For me it's in the evenings when my body can actually relax, I think with all the stresses of daily life I am tense all day and its only at about 8 in the evening where I chill out. when I do though I have sudden muscle spasms in my shoulders and upper arms and it happens up to five times a day. They are quite noticeable but not painful in any way and when it happens it's like all I can feel the tention build up then is released.

 

[Elemental]

I've had that grinding teeth in my sleep since kidhood...migraines under stress maybe & muscle tension in my upper body

 

[Datura]

I often suffer sore shoulders, neck, and headaches. Progressive muscle relaxation and yoga help a great deal. Sometimes I'll also take a Tylenol.

And I am also tired of fitting in. Ironically, I was much stranger before I decided to transition to become a woman. I would wear and do whatever I wanted without any concern if people thought I was weird. I knew I was weird and I reveled in it. If people shunned me because of the way I dressed that was for the best in my mind. I called it my "idiot repellant." Who needs closed-minded and superficial people in their lives anyway?

When it came to being a woman though, it suddenly mattered very much that people accept me, that they not see me as some kind of freak. My mode of dress became much more conservative, and I became very worried about how I came across to others. I consciously modified my vocal patterns and mannerisms to be more in line with the female norm. Once I started I found it came quite naturally.

But I have become more true to myself in one major respect I have constantly been hiding other parts of my personality. Despite living in a very liberal and safe country there are people in my life who are still very prejudiced. I hear the way they talk about gays and transsexuals, and it isn't very friendly. As a result I feel like there are big parts of my life I have to keep hidden from my coworkers. I often avoid sharing opinions because when I do it usually erupts in arguments. I can't share the things I find interesting because people will say things like, "Wow, you know a lot of useless information.", or they will just sit there quietly. Things I do to feel more comfortable, like pacing or bouncing my knee are considered rude and I am told to stop.

I am off work now for anxiety and depression. At the moment I can't see myself going back. I don't know how I am going to cope. If I do go back I will have to make some changes. I just can't see myself carrying on as I was.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I don't suffer physical repercussions like aches and pains, although my movements might get sharper and more jerky from frustration. Mostly my mood gets worse and worse the more pressure I'm put under and I start lashing out at those restricting me. The way I figure it, if I'm going to bring a lot of social positives to a place, people are just going to have to accept my social negatives, or me and my positives are going elsewhere. If I'm as good as a lot of them brag about, they'd better deal with it.

The manager of the autistic guy I know understands that and she is HIGHLY protective of him. He's dependable, a hard worker, and he's very upbeat and friendly to the point of being a bit annoying. But if anybody is rude to him or hurts his feelings, guess who's jumping down their throat? He's a lucky, lucky fellow to have a reasonable employer to value his positives over his negatives.

 

[Progster]

I don't get a lot of pain in my neck or joints, but I do get headaches quite often as a result of stress. I have a job where I need to interact with others, and that makes me extremely tired. However, I don't have a lot of family pressures or other responsibities, I get a lot of 'me' time, and that helps.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

My dad says his proud of me of how I have learned how to understand others and situations and can function normally, but to me it is depressing and frustrating, because all the time o have been trying to be normal I could have spend being extraordinary. My passion is science and music, but I spend my entire life learning when to nod in a conversation. And no as my grades drop people wonder what is wrong. But in the same sense learning how to handle stress IS necessary, so it all comes down to balance, know when to stop and when to keep going, I can't really tell you what the solution is, because I struggle myself and because only you know you best and can come up with a solution that is comparable with you. Don't feel ashamed or bothered by your grade of autism, it is never easy being different and never healthy pretending your not.

Kobus, a secret of becoming happier is getting in touch with what your aspirations are by being true to your own experiences, perceptions and values. Determine a path that gets you where you want to go. Forget the path or express ways others travel on, they are not you. Serve yourself so you can be a free bird. Burning the time that life offers you serving the whims and wills of other is nothing more than servitude at best and slavery at the worst.
Change your own mind set, we are only eccentric to the NTs. From my perspective we, as a group, are exceptional, extraordinary and excellent.

 

[Karin]

I feel we'll only be happy once we stop trying to fit in and accept that we will never be like everybody else. And, frankly, would any of us here truly want to? I can't see why I should have to spend 30 minutes of lunch break day in and day out trying to make pleasantries with people I never chose to be with when I could read a book or contemplate how restructuring your DNA might fit into a multidimensional universe - part of the reason why I don't have a job

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

This year has been rough for me. Like (I gather) many aspies under stress, I've had a lot harder time 'pretending to be normal' and more of the negative stuff--reduced ability to handle executive functioning, having meltdowns, going nonverbal, needing to stim or cover my ears in public. I've always been verbal and 'passed' as merely eccentric, so that's been a tough one for me to explain. Like 'No, I am not making excuses because I have a diagnosis--I really cannot handle this right now.' I'm not sure it's severe enough to call 'autistic regression' but it's still frustrating.

One thing I noticed is that the tension I've always kept in my shoulders has, over the past few years, gotten worse due to joint problems. When I get overloaded, this means I'm out for 2 days or so with a headache/shoulder-ache. Sometimes I watch TV or go online. Sometimes I do yoga or stretch. I don't talk much. Mostly, I sleep. Right now, that's happening just about every weekend.

My recent discovery, though, is that while I was attempting to relax and not tighten my shoulders, I reacted to a tense scene immediately by rocking. Normally I would automatically suppress that without even knowing (seriously, even my own mother didn't notice I rock, although any partner I've had could tell you I do ). I conclude from this that a lot of what is building up in my body is tension I'm not letting out by stimming or otherwise being myself.

It's frustrating to finally realize what's causing me so much pain while at the same time knowing I still can't change my presentation/behavior in the workplace to suit myself.

Anyone have similar experiences? Ways to release tension so it doesn't build up like that? Ways to reconnect with what feels natural to you after so many years of wearing an NT mask?

Royinpink, I tried meditation but found it too difficult so I developed a trick that I found relaxing.
I imagine 1 red corpuscle in my big toe and I imagine this red cell moving up and down each toe, all over the feet, swirling around all the joints, mentally paying attention where this virtual cell is soothed all my pains, usually in a few minutes. Might take some acclimation but it worked for me, and still does. Now I use it to fall asleep quickly as I seldom move the cell all the way around, back to the starting big toe. It might work, or not. Relax, life is a buffet, try to enjoy it a bit every day. Move, see the vistas, smell the flowers, go to tiger balm park.

 

[Kobus]

Kobus, a secret of becoming happier is getting in touch with what your aspirations are by being true to your own experiences, perceptions and values. Determine a path that gets you where you want to go. Forget the path or express ways others travel on, they are not you. Serve yourself so you can be a free bird. Burning the time that life offers you serving the whims and wills of other is nothing more than servitude at best and slavery at the worst.
Change your own mind set, we are only eccentric to the NTs. From my perspective we, as a group, are exceptional, extraordinary and excellent.

I also see it that way, but to me personally, it is too late, maybe later in my life I will work something out, but the exams that determine my future is now, and I'm not ready. Right now I am stuck and paying for all the years I was not me.

 

[Warmheart]