Speaking Up about Little Things

[Poppy98]

Summary: how can I bring it up to ask someone to stop putting their contaminated things on my clean things?










This may be more of a girl-issue than an autism issue (girls are often raised to act like servants) but does anyone have trouble speaking up to tell others what your boundaries are?
Ex. I have a neighbor (same building, same hallway) who has had bedbugs for months. She's okay mostly--maybe bossy and stuff but she's unlikely to turn serial-killer on me or anything.

Anyway, she keeps putting her bedding (which hasn't been cleaned since the bedbugs) on my things and I want to ask her to not do that when she has plenty of other places she could put her things and most of my possessions cannot be heat treated so I would just have to throw everything I own away...again.


I can't seem to make the leap to bringing stuff like this up without it being awkward. (She also really doesn't like people disagreeing with her even when she's clearly wrong.) How do I casually bring that up?

 

[Shevek]

Summary: how can I bring it up to ask someone to stop putting their contaminated things on my clean things?

That depends entirely on how two personalities can interact. Have you ever done something similar with anyone? Is there some other area that the person is careful about for a comparison? Are they just unaware of basic hygiene rules? Maybe try just a basic statement of fact - your stuff is wrecking my stuff - and then improvise.

 

[Poppy98]

Are they just unaware of basic hygiene rules?

That is a possibility.

Have you ever done something similar with anyone?

Speaking up? Sadly no, not really.

Is there some other area that the person is careful about for a comparison?

no, not really. I don't think they think of other people as people whose boundaries deserve respect.

 

[Rodafina]

I can't seem to make the leap to bringing stuff like this up without it being awkward.

For me, such things are always going to be awkward, so my real goal is to be effective and not hostile. I find it terribly hard to ask people to do or not do things.

How is it happening that the neighbor is putting her things on your things? In the laundry room? Or some other shared space?

When it comes to bedbugs, I probably wouldn't trust another person even if I spoke to them about it. I would prefer to take on the responsibility of changing things so that my things were never in a place where she could put her things near mine. I don't know if that's even possible for you, but sometimes its safer to do what you can instead of trusting someone else to do something.

 

[Poppy98]

How is it happening that the neighbor is putting her things on your things? In the hallway? Or some other shared space?

once in the hallway, once my freshly cleaned laundry basket, once my purse in a common area (it was beside me) and one time on a box of mine. (I think I was bringing it in.)

When it comes to bedbugs, I probably wouldn't trust another person even if I spoke to them about it. I would prefer to take on the responsibility of changing things so that my things were never in a place where she could put her things near mine. I don't know if that's even possible for you, but sometimes its safer to do what you can instead of trusting someone else to do something.

Sounds valid.


I might need to also say something though because she does it pretty quickly too. She's kind of taken over the entire commons area.

 

[Mary Terry]

Is there a landlord or building manager where you live? If my neighbor had bedbugs, I'd complain to management about it. And, like @Rodafina says, I'd do whatever I could to keep my things away from her stuff.

 

[Shevek]

Given that this person is a general nuisance and bully, I would strongly recommend talking to other victims. You could start with asking if they too have gotten bedbug contamination. There is probably a good chance that there are other people thinking of speaking up, and have more practice at it, but would like to know that they have lots of allies, and that attempts at slander will backfire.

 

[Poppy98]

Given that this person is a general nuisance and bully, I would strongly recommend talking to other victims. You could start with asking if they too have gotten bedbug contamination. There is probably a good chance that there are other people thinking of speaking up, and have more practice at it, but would like to know that they have lots of allies, and that attempts at slander will backfire.

For the sake of clarity, this is not the bully I've mentioned in a different thread. This housemate is sort of friends with the bully, but thankfully this person, (let's call her "Tasha" for privacy's sake) is, I would say, a couple million times better if she's not abusing drugs.


At worst, Tasha might shout or manipulate to try to intimidate you into doing something for her. The other person actually has a violent record.


I think Tasha thinks about the world as a toddler. It's like she sees me as part of nature--fair game for using, my posessions are the stump for her to sit on, the berries for her to eat and carry away with her (who cares how the tree feels, I guess), when she wants something it's my duty to take care of it, once she's bored with me I don't exist and she'll walk out while I'm mid-answer.


She knows she's supposed to act like other people are equals, but clearly keeps forgetting that too.

It's very interesting to try to communicate with her.

 

[the_tortoise]

For the sake of clarity, this is not the bully I've mentioned in a different thread. This housemate is sort of friends with the bully, but thankfully this person, (let's call her "Tasha" for privacy's sake) is, I would say, a couple million times better if she's not abusing drugs.


At worst, Tasha might shout or manipulate to try to intimidate you into doing something for her. The other person actually has a violent record.


I think Tasha thinks about the world as a toddler. It's like she sees me as part of nature--fair game for using, my posessions are the stump for her to sit on, the berries for her to eat and carry away with her (who cares how the tree feels, I guess), when she wants something it's my duty to take care of it, once she's bored with me I don't exist and she'll walk out while I'm mid-answer.


She knows she's supposed to act like other people are equals, but clearly keeps forgetting that too.

It's very interesting to try to communicate with her.

Have you ever tried asking her, about her own possessions and consumable goods you know she values "How would you like it if I just started taking/using all your [whatever]? Seriously how would you react to me doing that?"

Just curious.

If she actually just doesn't think about anyone but herself as a non-malicious thing, this might actually get a reasonable response you can build on as a bridge to communicate -- or it might just upset her, provoke anger or insult or she might take it as rhetorical and think you are trying to shame her.

I have lost patience with people who were insanely bossy and ridiculously intrusive similar questions, something like (but more awkwardly phrased unless I rehearse it) eg "How would you like it if I started bossing you around and insisting you do everything the same way I do? Micromanaging and interfering with everything you do, even when whatever you're doing has no effect on me or my life whatsoever??"

Often I get a little reprieve but no answer, occasionally some lasting (but usually very minor) change happens with or without a discussion that begins with the other person saying "I was just trying to help" and my responding soemthing like this, but more awkward "Thank you but I dont need your help. Dont want it either. ASK ME if i need help, please. Or leave me alone unless I ask for help." (Or a fight starting with the other person saying "BECAUSE YOU DO EVERYTHING WRONG")