Sometimes I don't feel like a whole person

[InfinityRose]

So, awhile ago while I was reading a list of symptoms for female aspies, and one thing that really stuck with me in particular was the statement of how we emulate other people we admire, sometimes even taking on their personality traits as our own, mostly for the purpose of gaining acceptance from others. Personally, I find this to be extremely accurate. This is exactly how I managed to survive socially ever since I was very young. It's really surprising, because I've known I was an aspie ever since I was five years old, and yet I never knew this was an aspie trait.

A major side affect of this, as you can imagine, is that most of the time I feel like I don't have a personality of my own. It's almost like I'm just a combination of bits and pieces of other people, rather than a whole, cohesive person.

I don't want to be like this. I want to have a stable identity that's mine and mine alone, and to be confident enough to stick with my values because I know what those values are.

Are there any other auties/aspies out there that can relate to this? Is there anyone who knows how to overcome it?

 

[Accelerator]

So, awhile ago while I was reading a list of symptoms for female aspies, and one thing that really stuck with me in particular was the statement of how we emulate other people we admire, sometimes even taking on their personality traits as our own, mostly for the purpose of gaining acceptance from others. Personally, I find this to be extremely accurate. This is exactly how I managed to survive socially ever since I was very young. It's really surprising, because I've known I was an aspie ever since I was five years old, and yet I never knew this was an aspie trait.

A major side affect of this, as you can imagine, is that most of the time I feel like I don't have a personality of my own. It's almost like I'm just a combination of bits and pieces of other people, rather than a whole, cohesive person.

I don't want to be like this. I want to have a stable identity that's mine and mine alone, and to be confident enough to stick with my values because I know what those values are.

Are there any other auties/aspies out there that can relate to this? Is there anyone who knows how to overcome it?

Your fears are perfectly reasonable, and while I don't remember going through anxiety to that extreme over my self-identity (or maybe I did, I can't remember), I'm sure there are at least a few others who have on the site.
I'm not a psychologist or counselor of any sort, just to give you fair warning, but if you'd like my 2 cents however, I'd say that maybe you could start by enumerating what you do differently from whoever you emulate; no one can perfectly copy another person, because inevitably they have things they're bound to do differently. Even the slightest thing would help, I think. Then from there you can establish that the personality of whoever you emulate is only there because you chose to emulate that person; they didn't go "hey, let's make that person be a copy of me" and have a copy of their personality override yours, you decided that they were an example worth following. With your acknowledgement of this control over your identity I think you can only go up from there.
Again, I'm no psychologist or therapist, so I've no guarantee this'll even work, but I hope it helps you.

 

[Accelerator]

Vsauce2 made a video that explains a bit about this, about how people emulate a certain "model" to receive whatever you desire (in this case gaining acceptance from others), you just so happen to be someone who follows that "model" more closely (as Michael puts it: to become you first involves becoming someone else, so really, everyone's made of bits of other people).

The video:

Edit: fixed italics

 

[Streetwise]

So, awhile ago while I was reading a list of symptoms for female aspies, and one thing that really stuck with me in particular was the statement of how we emulate other people we admire, sometimes even taking on their personality traits as our own, mostly for the purpose of gaining acceptance from others. Personally, I find this to be extremely accurate. This is exactly how I managed to survive socially ever since I was very young. It's really surprising, because I've known I was an aspie ever since I was five years old, and yet I never knew this was an aspie trait.

A major side affect of this, as you can imagine, is that most of the time I feel like I don't have a personality of my own. It's almost like I'm just a combination of bits and pieces of other people, rather than a whole, cohesive person.

I don't want to be like this. I want to have a stable identity that's mine and mine alone, and to be confident enough to stick with my values because I know what those values are.

Are there any other auties/aspies out there that can relate to this? Is there anyone who knows how to overcome it?

It was just too stressful, I've heard this from others that it affects your decisions,I don't like the idea of wasting money.
I use my!form of mindfulness which is prayer but mindfulness will probably help you focus on what you want,I mainly practice it when I get too stressed which is most of the time,I also decided on adult colouring books as I liked the intricate designs ,there are other ways to do it.
Another one is to listen to the voice ,what do you want the most ,what is the most important.
I still get like you at times but my physical body reminds me I wont enjoy it.

 

[LogicalMind]

There are only 26 characters on a keyboard...and yet every word comes from those 26... tens of thousands of unique words come from those 26 letters... You are already unique and special, even if you dont feel it, dont stress yourself too much

 

[pjcnet]

Emulating other people including people we admire is a trait of every human being, not just aspies, that's how we learn and progress from generation to generation, if we was born 500 years ago we would act like people around us back then and we'd incorporate of lot of the beliefs and morals of the day too. Our own personality can decide who we are most influenced by however and to what degree, we also have our own unique personality traits that develop as we get older, this is also influenced by our experiences and no-one has an identical personality, in fact even identical twins who have been bought up as identically as possible will have at least small variances in their personalities.

Many years ago our main influences would have been from family followed by other people closely around us, the biggest thing that's changed in more recent years however is the influence of the media which is now used as a powerful tool to greatly influence not only people's beliefs, but also in my opinion their personality. Many people in my opinion often underestimate the media's sheer power of control.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Many people in my opinion often underestimate the media's power of control.

@pjcnet start your thread.......

Be sure to include edward bernays....

 

[dragoncat16]

I did this often when I was younger, thinking that if I was like someone who is popular, I would be accepted too. Obviously, I didn't do a very good job of it, because I was still treated like a non-person, and sometimes the person I emulated picked up on it and got really offended.

As I got older, I stopped worrying about what other people thought about me, which I thought was a good thing, but it is also very isolating. I concluded that if they were going to dislike me when I didn't actually do anything wrong or bad, especially when they did like people who really weren't very nice, then maybe they're not worth liking either. For a long time, I didn't care about anyone, and nobody cared about me. I didn't allow myself to feel anything, because loneliness must be the most painful and destructive emotion, other than perhaps regret.

That's still sort of where I am. I not only am disliked, or even hated, by others, but I don't often meet anyone I would feel interested in letting my walls down for and getting to know better, and when I do, they always end up screwing me and I have no idea why they'd want to do that to another human being. I can only conclude that they don't actually see me as a human being, but as some sort of lower creature whose feelings don't matter. Obviously, that's because I really don't have any sort of personality, as far as they are concerned.

 

[Chance]

"Sometimes I don't feel like a whole person" - Infinity Rose

You now have your very own quote... : ) and in that I feel like a non-person trying to figure out how to run this out of control temporary meat suit... so your in good company... I think???? Not sure really... : )

 

[Judge]

I've always appreciated author Shel Silverstein's approach to such things. A simple, yet profound answer to something so many people feel at one time or another. To draw upon your own resources rather than to wait for or depend on others.

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

 

[InfinityRose]

Vsauce2 made a video that explains a bit about this, about how people emulate a certain "model" to receive whatever you desire (in this case gaining acceptance from others), you just so happen to be someone who follows that "model" more closely (as Michael puts it: to become you first involves becoming someone else, so really, everyone's made of bits of other people).

The video:

Edit: fixed italics

Thanks! That video was really interesting. I used to watch Vsauce all the time (mostly their first channel, but occasionally their second and third as well.)

Yeah, I suppose everyone does copy others to a certain degree, but I feel like I do it more, I guess? For example, I remember when I was a kid I had a very loud, opinionated personality. Most people, other kids and adults alike, didn't seem to appreciate that. That, on top of my "weird" aspie traits and poor motor skills led me to getting bullied.

After noticing how some of the other girls who were well-liked were usually quieter, I gradually became quieter myself, eventually to the level where people were always asking me why I was so quiet. I'm still pretty quiet, but am trying to speak up a little more, and most importantly trying to convince myself that there are people who actually care about what I have to say. Some days, I really question if that's true and if everyone would be happier if I just never spoke again. Well, maybe my mom would care, but everyone else I'm not sure.

Sorry if this is more information than you wanted, but thanks again for your response.

 

[InfinityRose]

There are only 26 characters on a keyboard...and yet every word comes from those 26... tens of thousands of unique words come from those 26 letters... You are already unique and special, even if you dont feel it, dont stress yourself too much

Thank you! And happy birthday, by the way!

 

[InfinityRose]

I've always appreciated author Shel Silverstein's approach to such things. A simple, yet profound answer to something so many people feel at one time or another. To draw upon your own resources rather than to wait for or depend on others.

The Missing Piece Meets the Big O

That was a really good video, and very accurate on how I feel most of the time. Thanks for sharing it!

 

[InfinityRose]

"Sometimes I don't feel like a whole person" - Infinity Rose

You now have your very own quote... : ) and in that I feel like a non-person trying to figure out how to run this out of control temporary meat suit... so your in good company... I think???? Not sure really... : )

Thank you! I don't think I've ever been quoted before, haha. It's nice to know I'm not completely alone in feeling this way.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

"Sometimes I don't feel like a whole person" - Infinity Rose

You now have your very own quote... : ) and in that I feel like a non-person trying to figure out how to run this out of control temporary meat suit... so your in good company... I think???? Not sure really... : )

You have a meat suit? Pork or beef...

Do,you want to star in my next deodarant advert?

 

[Accelerator]

Thanks! That video was really interesting. I used to watch Vsauce all the time (mostly their first channel, but occasionally their second and third as well.)

Yeah, I suppose everyone does copy others to a certain degree, but I feel like I do it more, I guess? For example, I remember when I was a kid I had a very loud, opinionated personality. Most people, other kids and adults alike, didn't seem to appreciate that. That, on top of my "weird" aspie traits and poor motor skills led me to getting bullied.

After noticing how some of the other girls who were well-liked were usually quieter, I gradually became quieter myself, eventually to the level where people were always asking me why I was so quiet. I'm still pretty quiet, but am trying to speak up a little more, and most importantly trying to convince myself that there are people who actually care about what I have to say. Some days, I really question if that's true and if everyone would be happier if I just never spoke again. Well, maybe my mom would care, but everyone else I'm not sure.

Sorry if this is more information than you wanted, but thanks again for your response.

Nah, there's no such thing as too much information with me. Just give me time to process it is all. Also, does typing count as speaking? Because if so (I think it does), I think you can add quite a lot of us here, myself included, to the list of people who'd care if you never spoke again.

 

[InfinityRose]

Nah, there's no such thing as too much information with me. Just give me time to process it is all. Also, does typing count as speaking? Because if so (I think it does), I think you can add quite a lot of us here, myself included, to the list of people who'd care if you never spoke again.

Ahh thank you, that's so nice! Yes, I'd say typing does count, haha. That's nice to hear, because I've been trying to use resources like this and the internet in general to find out more about myself and express my thoughts. I think I still have the unfortunate tendency to go along with the crowd, especially when I'm not sure where I stand on something. But I'm trying to get better about avoiding that, while still being respectful to others.

 

[Accelerator]

Ahh thank you, that's so nice! Yes, I'd say typing does count, haha. That's nice to hear, because I've been trying to use resources like this and the internet in general to find out more about myself and express my thoughts. I think I still have the unfortunate tendency to go along with the crowd, especially when I'm not sure where I stand on something. But I'm trying to get better about avoiding that, while still being respectful to others.

When you don't know where you stand on something, you should probably not take a side at all; you've got that choice, even in the worst situations (though if it's like life or death, you seriously should make an informed decision ASAP, though I odubt nyaone can fault you for working with your better judgement on hthings. Really you should always look for more information from trusted and accurate sources before you make big decisions at all). It's good you're working on resisting that impulse; it's important if you want to be able to make informed decisions.

 

[Voltaic]

I feel that most of my personality is contained in things not noticeable by others. Where I truly shine, and where my personality comes out is while talking about big topics, and attention to detail in my obssestions. If you want to get to know me, ask a hard question wether about myself or the world. If the topic of discussion isn't that, I'm just kind of a background person. I don't talk much in group conversation, and when there is something I can comment on, I make what I have to say meaningful. The problem is, it is hard to join a conversation, I just feel pushed out when I try to say something, there is never a smooth way to join in, until that topic I want to comment on is out of mind because to much time has passed.
I have a deep personality, but I have problems expressing it. Small talk is abysmal and not that fun to engage in. When I Do, it is shallow, and doesn't serve any purpose other can making notices with our mouths at other people for the sake of it. It take a long time for you to establish a personality among others with small talk, and only a small amount of time drains me. 'Everyone is laughing, I should laugh. They are talking about their day, I should not my head. They want to make eye contact, stair at their jelly light receptors and don't get distracted or go insane.' Everything I do is conscious. I just want to focus on the ideas I am expressing, instead of how I should act to be socaily appropriate.

 

[Mia]

A major side affect of this, as you can imagine, is that most of the time I feel like I don't have a personality of my own. It's almost like I'm just a combination of bits and pieces of other people, rather than a whole, cohesive person.

I don't want to be like this. I want to have a stable identity that's mine and mine alone, and to be confident enough to stick with my values because I know what those values are.

Are there any other auties/aspies out there that can relate to this? Is there anyone who knows how to overcome it?

Almost Infinity Rose, it's taken a long time. Piecing together who I actually was before school, church, friends, or society in general took years. Began by looking at the everything I liked and disliked. In a sense analyzing myself while I was in talk therapy.

Would take huge whiteboards and write on them in marker initially, things I liked to do, foods, music, feelings I had, words, sayings that appealed to me. I'd write a new one every day. And at the end of the week, look at all of them and condense the ideas into one single board. I'd look for patterns. From the single board, with the ideas, thoughts, foods, colours, sayings that appealed to me, books, music, games I liked. I'd go ahead and expand on something, why I liked it, what it meant. Did this for years, not every day, sometimes only once in awhile.

Also considered things people had told me about myself, good or bad. And whether they were true. And older sister used to call me 'bad' all the time. Yet when I looked back I realized the only time I was labelled bad, was when I wouldn't do something she wanted.

And for a long time I carried that around, thinking I wasn't a good person. If I woke up past eight o' clock on a saturday for example, I was lazy. Then I realized that it wasn't true, looking back through my past, never been arrested, done anything really illegal, had been kind even helpful to people most of my life and I'd worked really hard.

Realized there was little validity to the things people said about me, because I played a part that wasn't who I actually was. Began to look at everything in my life objectively, as if it were someone else's life. And I came to some conclusions about who I am, not influenced by other's as much as possible. I wrote a lot, thought a great deal, painted and drew, read a lot of psychology and reconsidered things. In my own time, and it's still a work in progress.

A quote from Tennyson' Ulysses

...All times I have enjoy'd
greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
that loved me, and alone,

...Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
for ever and forever when I move.