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so many questions

T

teasmade

Member
This is long but please bear with me.

I met a guy at the end of last year and we got on really well, I felt really comfortable in his company and he was an absolute gentleman. I really liked him.

We have met several times since, in his house as he doesn't like to go out much due to' ill health'.

The second time we met, we got on 'really well' and despite having children he seemed very inexperienced, he was very open about himself and has been since, which is quite suprising to me as I think he has more experience than me!

As far I'm aware I am NT and after years of interest in ASD's and knowing about one of his family members, I figured he might have Aspergers and although he has never been officially diagnosed, he has been diagnosed with personality disorder and depression, but to me seems text book traits which regard to things he has told me about himself and his past.

I made the mistake of turning up unplanned despite him telling me he did not like suprises, but he was happy to see me when I was there.

I came out of a long relationship a while before meeting him and appreciate my space and time alone so have only seen him on average about once a month but would love to see more of him but I am not much of a leader or instigator myself and hold down a full time job which is tiring.

We stay in touch via text message and he usually replies straight away if he is not busy doing something.

I keep out of the way when he has his children with him as I do not want to come between any relationship he has with them, especially his boy who is diagnosed with autism and I don't want to cause any disruption with his son.

It is always me that instigates conversations, either about topics that interest him or with subtle suggestions to meet up as I really enjoy his company.

He does not have many friends and spends a lot of time alone except for when his children are visiting him.

He does follow routines on a daily basis and when I do arrange to visit he likes to know how long I will be which I find quite sweet, he is utterly adorable and very good looking.

The last relationship he was in was many years ago, neither of us want a full on relationship but I would like to see him more often, do I grab the bull by the horns and tell him I want to go over and visit him or wait and wait after several kind of subtle texts for him to invite me ?

He has never invited me over, I have always been the instigator in this too but he is always the perfect gentleman and very hospitable.

Sometimes I feel like he really doesn't know what to do, sometimes I think he is a complete push over and sometimes I think, he thinks I'm not good enough for him

I know we were close after meeting only twice but he is only the second man I have been close to which neither he or my previous partner are aware of, that is how much I like him.

I don't know what to do, please help me.
 
I would usually caution against assuming anyone is an Aspie/Autie, especially if they have other diagnosed conditions that may have overlapping traits, but if his son has autism it sounds like he very could be on the spectrum.

You may have answered your own question when you said you turned up at his house one day unexpectedly and he seemed happy to see you. I'd say it's safe enough to let him know you'd like to see more of him. You may as well; you don't want to dance around the issue forever.

I'd just make your intentions (or lack thereof) very clear so he knows what having more contact with you would mean. There's obviously an attraction, but since you decided to take things pretty far after so few meetings, he may need some reassurance that you don't intend to move in on him too quickly for his preferences.

You didn't ask, but a word of other advice: You may want to keep your thoughts on his possible autism to yourself. If he has it, or thinks he does, let him be the one to bring that up. You might also want to consider what a relationship would be like with a depressive who doesn't leave the house much before you start to invest anything more than you already have. If he made a point of telling you he doesn't go out often, his symptoms may be fairly severe. That's a lot to take on, attractive as he may be from a distance.
 
You can't read his mind, so don't decide what he thinks. You've also judged him as a pushover, but you don't say how you got to that conclusion. You say you're close, after only two visits?

I don't know what you're judging on other than his looks and your hopes and projections. Maybe just slowing down and looking at what you expect, what you believe, what you hope, and only then, what you think you know, would be a good idea.
 
Thanks for your reply, his health care hasn't been that good over the years and professionals did suggest such a diagnosis but never followed it up. He has had a very unfair hard life but is so lovely and positive despite his illness. He has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and bpd.

I was aware of his mental health before meeting him and it did not bother me, he mentioned this on our first meeting and second, to be honest I was more concerned with his political leanings and he is known in the area because of this but I decided to overlook them.

My friends know I have met someone but they know very little about him.
 
Ok, pushover was a bit harsh I admit but he was happy for me to turn up unannounced and is very laid back which I am not used to, sorry
 
You story is similar to mine. My partner is ASD and has four children one is diagnosed ASD. We see each other a few times a month but have daily contact via text.
 
After reading your most recent messages on the subject, I'm firmly with Aspergirl4Hire. You need to do some serious reflection. To stimulate a little of that, I'm going to be reeeeeeeally honest with you about what I see, here.

You're 34 years old, and it sounds as though you don't have a wealth of experience with relationships. I can only base my impressions on what you've written, but it seems as though you're "decid[ing] to overlook" an awful lot, a little too easily. You titled this thread "So many questions"; the only one you're really asking us seems to be whether you should call him or wait for him to call you. The fact that that's the question you find most important is curious, considering the range of issues you've mentioned.

This may not be something anybody here can really help you with. You obviously want to get to know him better, and I get the feeling you're going to go for it. Just be kind to both of you by making sure you can set your romantic and sexual interests aside until you know exactly what you're dealing with.

Best wishes.
 
I see what you're saying Slithytoves.

My last relationship lasted over ten years, he was not in the best of 'health' either, unemployed and living at home, he is now fully employed, headhunted, has run his own business, which he has now sold due to change of circumstances and has a wealth of qualifications, since I met him.

We just grew apart and had little time for each other, still friends. I think I was unhappy in this relationship but did not realise till it was over, then I suddenly realised.

With this current man, it definitely feels like he is willing to give more than me, does the problem of communication lie with me?

Do I need to be more assertive to let him know I like him as he never tells me to go away.

I have noticed that he is very proud and somewhat disheartened about not having much money, he does not like receiving gifts and tells me not to spend my money on him. He is a little old fashioned like that.
 
As well as giving myself plenty of space, do you think the fact that I have given him plenty of space has lead him believe I'm not that interested in him ?

I am pretty independent in all my relationships anyway.

As I said before, I am still friends with my ex and he has told me that recent girlfriends would not let him out with female friends or to do independent actitivies etc, whereas I would have and did.
 
teasmade said:
As well as giving myself plenty of space, do you think the fact that I have given him plenty of space has lead him believe I'm not that interested in him ?

I am pretty independent in all my relationships anyway.

As I said before, I am still friends with my ex and he has told me that recent girlfriends would not let him out with female friends or to do independent actitivies etc, whereas I would have and did.
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I think only he can really answer that one, my partner likes that I let him have some space. What does your partner do for a job? Mine works awkward hours so needs a lot of time really.
 
He doesn't work, not well enough to work, looks after his family, he told me he has issues to sort out, I told him I was there to help in anyway I can and to stay in touch.
 
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