Should I seek a diagnosis for myself?

[AndrewMiller]

I've been learning about autism and mental health for some years now, but it was about my significant other and her kids.

Any time I read personal accounts of experiences from people in the spectrum, I find myself thinking "this is how I feel" or "I don't find that weird at all, but completely logic. What I don't understand it's why most people don't think this way".

When I started to talk (text) with my SO. I felt I had found someone "from my own planet". The world changed its meaning from me. She said the same about me, but only at the beginning.

I'm 45 years old. And at this point I've suppressed a lot of things I would do one way, and replaced them for how things "are supposed to be" according to the people that surrounded me in my life. The result is, I'm pretty functional, but I feel my life has no meaning, all effort and no reward. I've tried to be useful to others because I don't know why I'm here.

To my SO I'm neurotipical, and she feels rejection about that. Like she's in a team, and I'm the enemy. To most people, I'm weird, and lonely, and almost mute.

Today I took a test, and if it were accurate, I'm definitely in the spectrum.

I don't know if I should seek an official diagnosis. I know it wouldn't help me with my SO, because she would feel as if I'm trying to steal "her thing". But at work, and with my family it would help me explain why I need space, in a way that won't offend them. And maybe it will help me understand myself better and find some meaning in existence.

What do you think?

 

[Crossbreed]

What do you think?

1. An official diagnosis from an autism-competent therapist does not threaten those who already have the same (unless that person has secondary issues).
2. An accurate diagnosis, whatever it might be, can help you to better manage your coping skills.

It is only those who proclaim self-diagnosis not in good faith that make trouble for us.

 

[Alexej]

Hi @AndrewMiller
Firstly welcome to the Forum

Whether to go for a formal diagnosis is a big decision. It is one that you can make and there is no right or wrong answer. You might want to have a search for other threads in this forum where people ask this question. THis will give you some clues as to which factors other people have found useful and relevant when making this decision themselves.

However if you think that it will help either you, you SO or your wider circle then go for it. But if you dont see a benefit then know that self diagnosis is quite accepted and acceptable in this forum and generally among autistic folks.

BTW - this is not a decision that you need to rush, for the process of getting a diagnosis tends to be quite a slow one.

 

[AndrewMiller]

Wow
Thanks a lot for your quick answers.

I'm in no rush for a diagnosis, but I think I need therapy soon. As I struggle more and more to find life bearable.

In this family unit, I'm forced to be the one holding the fort. My SO doesn't work, and the kids are skipping school at an alarming rate. Social workers, hospitals and authorities are already involved. And I can't cope with so much confrontation.

I think life would be just fine if I lived alone. No meaning, necessarily, but not as much stress, and I can't think of anything better right now.

 

[tazz]

Which country are you in, if you don't mind me asking? Just thinking that might be useful info for us offering some advice, if you're considering a diagnosis... although I think the process will be slow wherever you are (as mentioned by others).

 

[AndrewMiller]

I'm in Spain, that's why I don't ask specific advice. I don't even understand my health system. We have public health care, but I must go through a private company before, because of my job, that it's in the Public Administration. Doesn't make any sense. So I mostly don't go to the/any doctor.

 

[tazz]

I'm in Spain, that's why I don't ask specific advice. I don't even understand my health system

I think a lot of countries have health systems that are difficult to understand. Perhaps we have someone from Spain here. I don't know. Anyway, I only know the UK system so can't help you much with Spain specifically.

I just reached out for some general help to begin with, regarding what I thought was depression. And it was the psychologist who suggested to me that I had depression AND autism might be something worth looking into. It sounds like your situation is super-stressful already. So even if you have autism, there may be other things affecting you like stress and anxiety. I wonder if it might be worth you just seeking some sort of general professional help first and then explore autism specifically as part of that. This approach might also make it easier to discuss it with your SO if indeed you end up seeking an autism assessment. I'm thinking this because if you suggest an autism assessment out of nowhere, that might be quite jarring for your SO, but if it emerges from discussions with other professionals, and your SO knows you've been seeking help anyway, it might feel more natural.

 

[Crossbreed]

I'm in Spain, that's why I don't ask specific advice. I don't even understand my health system. We have public health care, but I must go through a private company before, because of my job, that it's in the Public Administration. Doesn't make any sense. So I mostly don't go to the/any doctor.

If they are like ours, these people might be able to point you in the right direction,...

Autismo España - TEA, Trastorno del espectro autista

ONG que trabajamos para mejorar la calidad de vida de personas con autismo y sus familias en España.

autismo.org.es

Avoid Autism Speaks, though.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I

I'm 45 years old. And at this point I've suppressed a lot of things I would do one way, and replaced them for how things "are supposed to be" according to the people that surrounded me in my life. The result is, I'm pretty functional, but I feel my life has no meaning, all effort and no reward. I've tried to be useful to others because I don't know why I'm here.



I don't know if I should seek an official diagnosis. I know it wouldn't help me with my SO, because she would feel as if I'm trying to steal "her thing". But at work, and with my family it would help me explain why I need space, in a way that won't offend them. And maybe it will help me understand myself better and find some meaning in existence.

What do you think?

Welcome @AndrewMiller

I will make some attempt at responding to two of your concerns.

1. "I feel my life has no meaning, all effort, and no reward." This is something that many men struggle with. If you are a husband and a father, it is really important. Most people underestimate and perhaps don't understand that for many people, men especially, there is a psychological need to have some meaning, a purpose, to be depended upon, if you will. This is at the root of what may be considered a more "traditional" or "conservative" role for the male in society, more accurately, it is the "duty" of the male to be the provider and being responsible for the safety and well-being of his family (physically, financially, emotionally, etc.). Often times when men are not in this role, they are a bit "lost" and confused, some are angry and frustrated, some are depressed and even commit suicide. Some often work long and hard at jobs they actually hate in order to have the personal satisfaction of providing for their family. It is their purpose. Most women, as progressive and feminist as they may be now-a-days, are still actually seeking these characteristics in a man. A woman still needs to know that, at then end of the day, regardless of what happens, that there is the "security" that there is a roof over her head and that there is food on the table for the family.

2. A professional diagnosis will be helpful in understanding yourself. It's not for anyone else but you. Times that a professional diagnosis is helpful outside of that perspective is when you are in contact with law enforcement, the court system, need financial assistance, or accommodations at work.

 

[Storm Hess]

I personally think that getting diagnosed answered a lot of questions for and gave me closure and a pathway to move forward.

Some people don't need that reassurance...I did to understand myself and stop myself from obsessing over it.

 

[AndrewMiller]

I think a lot of countries have health systems that are difficult to understand. Perhaps we have someone from Spain here. I don't know. Anyway, I only know the UK system so can't help you much with Spain specifically.

I just reached out for some general help to begin with, regarding what I thought was depression. And it was the psychologist who suggested to me that I had depression AND autism might be something worth looking into. It sounds like your situation is super-stressful already. So even if you have autism, there may be other things affecting you like stress and anxiety. I wonder if it might be worth you just seeking some sort of general professional help first and then explore autism specifically as part of that. This approach might also make it easier to discuss it with your SO if indeed you end up seeking an autism assessment. I'm thinking this because if you suggest an autism assessment out of nowhere, that might be quite jarring for your SO, but if it emerges from discussions with other professionals, and your SO knows you've been seeking help anyway, it might feel more natural.

Sure, you're right.

SHE was misdiagnosed for most of her life, and just recently she was diagnosed as having Asperger's. We both have been called Aspies or autistic (as a joke?) in the past. We were both called "brilliant students with poor social skills", that's how we met, a common teacher talked to me about her as someone so similar to me. She knew her personally, and knew me only by e-mail, and my academical works.

I fell in love with her because she seemed to understand me and like me for who I was. And because I knew she was great, and people in her life didn't notice. She made me very happy as a girlfriend. Then I took her and her 2 sons in, because they've been living in a very poor situation. Things have been very difficult since. I thought we would gain trust and things would be easier, but I was wrong.

I've thought about suicide often, but I also did since I was 14 or so, so I should be safe. Things have been really hard, and the kids have a lot of issues (genetical, neurological, and of course, environmental). They liked and accepted me. But we are not making happy human beings, and not even self sufficient ones.

Why is all this relevant? Because I should have seeked help before. But I thought SHE might give up on me if I needed therapy to deal with her and the kids. She is always on the verge of leaving me, because she is irritated to her limit, or because she says she's ruining my life, taking everything from me in exchange for nothing.

So I haven't gone. We've have therapy for parents. And there, they told us to seek individual therapy too. And she told me directly she didn't want me to go, because "they're gonna tell you to leave us as soon as you can".

So I know she's not going to take it well regardless, but I can't put it off much more.

We are both reading a book about autism and anxiety, and it has some personal experiences from a patient. I told her, as I did with other texts in the past, that I found what he says so familiar, that he thinks the way I think. She didn't say anything... But 3 days later said she regreted lending me this book and that it was so insulting that I said that.

When she started suspecting she had Asperger's, she send me tests and said "Don't you think this describes me?" I told her it did, but half or more traits also described me. This was maybe 4 years ago. And I haven't made the test myself until today. That's how much I fear her rejection. A year ago, her oldest son, 16 was diagnosed too. Her 12yo is suspected too, but there's no neurological evidence so far, and he has so many other issues that diagnosis is tricky.

So we are mostly busy taking care of the kids, and then she needs help, and then the kids again... And I find no place for myself.

 

[AndrewMiller]

If they are like ours, these people might be able to point you in the right direction,...

Autismo España - TEA, Trastorno del espectro autista

ONG que trabajamos para mejorar la calidad de vida de personas con autismo y sus familias en España.

autismo.org.es

Avoid Autism Speaks, though.

Thanks a lot. I have it pending to have a look. We are a bit desperate as no one seems to be able to help our 16yo kid. So we are a bit scared of going to new places because they can ammount to nothing too. And we are scared of exhausting all the doors to knock on.

I don't want to use resources that can help any of them, that's why I'm writing in this forum, outside my Country, just to clear my head first. This doesn't get in the way of their treatment.

 

[AndrewMiller]

Welcome @AndrewMiller

I will make some attempt at responding to two of your concerns.

1. "I feel my life has no meaning, all effort, and no reward." This is something that many men struggle with. If you are a husband and a father, it is really important. Most people underestimate and perhaps don't understand that for many people, men especially, there is a psychological need to have some meaning, a purpose, to be depended upon, if you will. This is at the root of what may be considered a more "traditional" or "conservative" role for the male in society, more accurately, it is the "duty" of the male to be the provider and being responsible for the safety and well-being of his family (physically, financially, emotionally, etc.). Often times when men are not in this role, they are a bit "lost" and confused, some are angry and frustrated, some are depressed and even commit suicide. Some often work long and hard at jobs they actually hate in order to have the personal satisfaction of providing for their family. It is their purpose. Most women, as progressive and feminist as they may be now-a-days, are still actually seeking these characteristics in a man. A woman still needs to know that, at then end of the day, regardless of what happens, that there is the "security" that there is a roof over her head and that there is food on the table for the family.

2. A professional diagnosis will be helpful in understanding yourself. It's not for anyone else but you. Times that a professional diagnosis is helpful outside of that perspective is when you are in contact with law enforcement, the court system, need financial assistance, or accommodations at work.

I agree. I felt like a "good husband" and that was enough for me for many years in a previous marriage. She was a teacher and a singer, and I felt she was inspiring and helping other people, so she was good for humanity, and I was good for her. So my life had purpose. I was depressed some time, but I didn't think about killing myself.

I foolishly expected her to, with age, change. Become less social and adventurous, and lead a life that would be comfortable for me too. But this didn't happen, and she complained I wasn't into going out, traveling, meeting new friends... (even as I thought we did that way too much) So we reached a point I felt we were in each other's way of happiness. I fell into a spiral of crying and anxiety since then, and I broke up the marriage.

I could do that because I didn't provide for her. She made more money than I did. I left her the house and the car, and all our friends (I asked them to be with her).

Fast forward 8-9 years. I provide for a family that I don't feel I'm accepted as a member. I pay the bills, I drive them around, I spend all my time with them... But I feel judged and mistrusted, and like I'm irritating her all the time. I have no one to talk to about my feelings or experiences, I have no affection, no one is comforting me if I'm sad, no one sleeps in my bedroom, I share the meals only with the kids (and often they finish before I sit)... But I'm there to help.



I work full time, but not "long hours" at a job I don't like. So I provide, but it doesn't seem to mean anything to the people I provide for. And I don't know if most parents feel like that too, and it's normal, but there must be something in the "pros" column, don't it? Many times I feel like they're daring me to leave, or like testing the limits... But I know they have no one else. I know her family, and no one is in position to help them, let alone wanting to, as they have demostrated plenty in the past.



2. It gave me a sort of vertigo to complete the test and find out. I thought I would be on the verge, but I got more "points" than expected. As I know I'm in for a lot of opposition if I was diagnosed or showed interest, it's impossible to think about this "just for myself" And I know it is wrong. After finding out I just needed to talk with someone about it, and I know I can't talk to her.



At work it could help me get more work from home, I'm doing it once a week, and it's heaven. I like it better than the weekends. Also I get way more work done from home. Or getting asingments that don't involve talking to people as much. And people would stop making fun about me almost not talking. I know it makes them uncomfortable, but the more I know that, the less I know what to say.

 

[The Pandector]

Wow. You are holding up under a tremendous load. Kudos.

Good advice you’re getting. I would only add this. Seems to me a critical pivot point is your conviction of her lack of trust in you. I’m not sure that point is as immovable as you say.

This isn’t advice, just a personal opinion. Your best next step is to sit your love down and lay down the facts. You’re both autistic, as are the children. The most direct solution to your rainbow of woes is to come together on that and get proactive from there. I would make it clear that I believe your only hope of coming through together is to get right with those facts, together. Your future hinges on it. Deal with the trust problem or flounder from issue to issue.

 

[AndrewMiller]

@The Pandector I'm not sure I understand you.

I've been changing my life so she would trust me for 8 years. I go from the office home, and back. I've talked this with her plenty of times. She says it's part of her personality.

The fact, if confirmed, that I'm in the spectrum...I don't know even if I got neurological evidence, she would believe me. I've struggled having peace when she believed one thing and I showed her evidence of it not being true.

It seems to me the more we communicate the more misunderstandings we have. It's really scary.

 

[Judge]

Sounds somewhat unique. Though what seems to be of the most importance isn't your suspected autism in this case, but rather how your significant other isn't wanting to deal with it.

That you must somehow find a way to communicate to her that your own potential autism is in now way any perceivable threat to her. In fact if anything, it may prove to be something that can help the both of you in being able to mutually understand one another that much better. That you both aren't competing against each other simply because you may have the same neurological profile.

It reminds me of someone who was once a regular contributor to this community, who originally came here to better understand her spouse. And in the process discovered that she herself was likely on the spectrum as well.

At this point it sounds like you need to figure this part of the equation out first before venturing into any considerations of obtaining a formal diagnosis.

 

[AndrewMiller]

I didn't expect to get so many answers, so I can't thank you all enough.

I also didn't expect to turn the topic around so much. But it's hard to understand my life without this context.

I know our communication must improve first of all. But as I'm failing at that, I look for other aspects to improve about myself or my mood, at least.

Also it scares me to fully understand her and learn that this is all that awaits me, all she's willing to give. A relationship without sex or any couple's life, but with a ton of responsibility as a father.

I must say I don't think she's a bad person at all. I know she doesn't want to hurt me. And I see that she is a loving mother and a good person. But she's in a lot of pain and stress, and I'm the only one there to catch her rage.

She says she loves me and has feelings for me, and that's the part that I don't get. It would all make sense if she didn't love me. If she was a bit fond of me, and knew the kids loved me, and just didn't have the stomach of letting me go. Combined with fear of change, and genuine fear of not having a roof over their heads. I would understand that.

 

[Judge]

One thing to consider is that it's possible that your "significant other" may sincerely envision you as her "wingman". That she has a sense of dependence upon you simply on the basis of her perceiving you as being Neurotypical, even if in reality you're not. That it may be your greatest challenge in all of this to explain to her that you can still be her "wingman" even if you aren't NT.

 

[AndrewMiller]

That you must somehow find a way to communicate to her that your own potential autism is in now way any perceivable threat to her. In fact if anything, it may prove to be something that can help the both of you in being able to mutually understand one another that much better. That you both aren't competing against each other simply because you may have the same neurological profile.

That's one thing I don't understand. For the kids, everything is a competition. If one advances a bit in a videogame, the other one doesn't want to play it anymore.

She says a band she likes is ruined for her if someone else says they like the same band, if she doesn't like that person much.

She loved that I wrote, but once we lived together, writing is her thing, and I'm trying to steal her thing.

I was asked a question about math by S12 yesterday, and I solved. Then he said thanks. And she, instead of being grateful I helped her kid, said to him "I could have explained that to you".

So I really really know she wouldn't like the idea that I'm even thinking about this.

Most of her complains come from the "fact" that I "can't possibly know her level of anxiety". When facing a social situation or something similar. Some of those situations I'm there because she said we should go (for the kids) and I wouldn't have thought about going not even being drunk.

I'm there, for her, for the kids, in my head repeating "is ok, this is going to be over soon, don't freak out, just smile and nod..." And she tells me she needs to complain about everything and be rude to me, in order to cope with the crowd, but I can't possibly understand that because I'm so NT.

When she describes a feeling and I say I feel exactly the same, she says I'm mocking her and making fun of her, so F me, and she stops talking to me for 3 days.

 

[Judge]

That's one thing I don't understand. For the kids, everything is a competition. If one advances a bit in a videogame, the other one doesn't want to play it anymore.

She says a band she likes is ruined for her if someone else says they like the same band, if she doesn't like that person much.

She loved that I wrote, but once we lived together, writing is her thing, and I'm trying to steal her thing.

I was asked a question about math by S12 yesterday, and I solved. Then he said thanks. And she, instead of being grateful I helped her kid, said to him "I could have explained that to you".

So I really really know she wouldn't like the idea that I'm even thinking about this.

Most of her complains come from the "fact" that I "can't possibly know her level of anxiety". When facing a social situation or something similar. Some of those situations I'm there because she said we should go (for the kids) and I wouldn't have thought about going not even being drunk.

I'm there, for her, for the kids, in my head repeating "is ok, this is going to be over soon, don't freak out, just smile and nod..." And she tells me she needs to complain about everything and be rude to me, in order to cope with the crowd, but I can't possibly understand that because I'm so NT.

When she describes a feeling and I say I feel exactly the same, she says I'm mocking her and making fun of her, so F me, and she stops talking to me for 3 days.

Perhaps you should send her to this domain, so she can see that her narrow understanding of autistic people may not be as narrow as she thinks.