Sharing my story

[malimeeshk]

Hello, I would like to share my story and would greatly appreciate some feedback. I've discovered a lot of information about myself lately that leads me to believe I have been living life with undiagnosed Aspergers.

I'm 27 years old but started feeling "different" when I was around 12 years old. Over the course of a summer (7th grade going into 8th grade), my life changed. Up until this point, I was extremely interested in sports and had a group of 3-4 close friends, one of them being my best friend for three years. In a matter of less than a year (probably even sooner), I lost all interest in sports and hanging out with my friends and developed severe social anxiety. In 8th grade, I ate lunch in the bathroom stall nearly every day, all year. Video games became my entire existence outside of school. I stopped caring about personal hygiene, to the point where I would fake showers and just lay on a towel on my bathroom floor (because I was tired from staying up all night playing video games).

In high school, I didn't have any friends. I knew something was different about me but always blamed it on social anxiety. At one point it occurred to me that I have a very hard time developing and maintaining relationships (though I am happily married to a woman without AS). My mom has pretty much always been out of the picture due to drug/alcohol use and mental illness (my moms' side doesn't speak too much on her upbringing so I don't have many details). My dad, I believe, has undiagnosed AS, as he is very socially awkward and hasn't had many friendships in his adult life but maintains a pretty high-level computer programming job, among other signs.

Other signs: I have one primary interest and passion (nutrition/herbalism/longevity, etc. basically anything involving achieving optimal health). I have a hard time keeping a job because of my inability to maintain stable relationships with people due to my awkwardness at times. I come off in ways I don't intend to a lot. I tend to feel overwhelmed and overstimulated in work scenarios that require my attention in order to learn tasks, primarily due to overstimulation and eye contact/reciprocation issues, which my brain focuses on instead of the verbal information. This usually leads to poor job performance and further feelings of isolation. I used to be accused by numerous people that I ask too many questions (or talk too fast). Sometimes this is due to wanting to appear interested in an interaction I'm truly not interested in so I don't come off as rude, or due to being pedantic. I am resistant to sudden changes in plans. My tone of voice is pretty monotone and I don't show a lot of facial emotion, though these aren't necessarily indications that anything is wrong. My gait gets worse the more uncomfortable I am in social situations.

A few years back I was hanging out with my cousin and a friend of his we both went to high school with. We were hanging out and I asked him because I knew I was really socially awkward in high school, "what did people think of me in high school?" and explained my social anxiety. He said that back then people didn't really know what to think but maybe thought that I had Aspergers.

What do you think?

 

[Thinx]

Hi, welcome, yes, certainly you're describing some of the signs of high autistic traits or Aspergers. Try some online tests and see what you think. It can certainly be useful to understand what may be affecting you and then you can develop helpful strategies for being you in the world. Hope you enjoy it here, and find plenty of useful information and threads to read.

 

[Kalinychta]

You said everything abruptly changed when you were twelve. Before then, you consider yourself to have been a normal kid? If so, I’m wondering if you were struck down by depression and anxiety perhaps related to your mom and her problems with drug addiction and mental illness. Could this have had something to do with the sudden negative change in your behavior? I’m asking because autism doesn’t suddenly just manifest in an older child or adult. We’re born autistic, and we have the symptoms from day one (they gradually “manifest” and present as we grow into toddlers and kids, but they are always there). Could you just be dealing with low self-esteem and anxiety problems related to your childhood and parents, or do you believe it’s more than that and maybe your sudden change at age 12 was more of a breakdown (i.e. masking your autism became too much for you)?

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Your case is not only very similar to some cases I have seen in in this forum, but similar to my own. In my case, I might as well flip a coin as I could make a case for either having ASD, or instead as having conditions that mask that.

I mean I am very much into details, have no friends, have social anxiety, poor eye contact, mostly flat expression and affect, and I have some ocd ritual tendencies, and I am hyper focused on mostly writing, as I have written four books.

But, contrary to stereotypes, I do not have any fine or gross motor or stimming issues, any food intolerances, and any sensory issues other than being very hyperaware of everything.

Also, I have no problems with language. I can easily understand idioms, figurative language, and not assume things at face value. I can read people very well, regardless if they try to mask, and I understand humor easily too.

I am am very much into sports, and there have been threads here about such, but many that posted here about that topic do not seem to play sports much or be interested in it much, whether because of some motor, anxiety, or other issue or preference.

I am not into video games or computers, but our two Autistic sons are into technology and gaming, with a need to be stimulated that way. I need to be mentally stimulated too, but by analyzing people, situations, and with desire to find solution.

I was never a late talker, nor did I have any cognitive delays or issues growing up. The only behavior problems were related to being extremely withdrawn, shy, a bit perfectionistic, and overly pleasing.

In my case, I often wonder, did my controlling and emotionally abusive Mom, and my neglectful and physically abusive Dad, did that cause many of those mentioned issues, or did their behaviors cause me to cover up any Autism traits?

Regardless, I know our two young children have ASD. They have had traits since age two, and have all the core components now, but they differ from each other in terms of severity and how they appear.

Our 10-year old child is high on the Autism Spectrum, and loves gaming, singing, Math, technology, and he has smell sensory issues, some milder motor issues, routine needs, and he has some difficulties understanding figurative language.

Our 7-year old has moderate Autism and ADHD. He still is mostly nonverbal, but has started saying one to two word phrases, on rarer occasion. He has numerous sensory sensitivities, relating to taste, smell, hearing and texture. He has less motor difficulties and routine needs than our oldest.

I hope you find out more here, what you feel you could have, by reading the posts in this form, researching more, and by asking more questions, if need be. Regardless what you have, you will find others that can relate, and you find your own peace, love, happiness and success in this world.

 

[tducey]

12 seems to be the age of change for a lot of people. Puberty affects you and what impacted you as a kid or interested you will change. It's normal for all people I think.

 

[malimeeshk]

Kali,

I'm not quite sure I would've been considered "normal". I know I had a very strong fear of taking bowel movements for a while until I was in 3rd or 4th grade and would grab my crotch to help hold it in to avoid going. I was also very shy. You bring up good points about my mom, points that I have considered, and I do think that I may have developed a bit of an abandonment issue from that. However, I think that's a separate issue. I've processed the situation with my mom a long time ago. I'm also very sensitive to certain fabrics and lights seem to bother me more than other people, though my tolerance to sounds and lights can be inconsistent. I also have very strict eating habits (I am a raw vegan, meaning I primarily only eat raw plant-based foods).

I think the main thing that changed was that it was during middle school where a lot of social learning and growth is supposed to take place. There's more thing/drama to stimulate the mind. It was like I knew how to socialize as a child but then completely lost all those skills around 12.

 

[malimeeshk]

Thinx,

I've taken a few of them but I don't know the legitimacy. One of them I scored high enough and on another one I scored just below.

 

[GadAbout]

You said everything abruptly changed when you were twelve. Before then, you consider yourself to have been a normal kid? If so, I’m wondering if you were struck down by depression and anxiety perhaps related to your mom and her problems with drug addiction and mental illness. Could this have had something to do with the sudden negative change in your behavior? I’m asking because autism doesn’t suddenly just manifest in an older child or adult. We’re born autistic, and we have the symptoms from day one (they gradually “manifest” and present as we grow into toddlers and kids, but they are always there).

I was a socially competent and happy child until about age 12, too. Nobody thought I had any problems, and in fact I was well adjusted and on top of everything in school.

Then my family moved and that, plus having no friends in a new town right about when I hit middle school, was too much for little old me to handle. And I think this is true for many high functioning autistics. But in other cases, except for a few minor issues in high school, it's going to college with its new demands and stresses, that makes the autism emerge.

 

[Kalinychta]

That all makes sense. As life becomes more complicated, we become “more” autistic. I definitely had the symptoms from a very young age, though. I’ve rocked since I was a baby, much preferred to play alone, and was always very serious and rigid and socially inept and had problems with speaking and listening. I can understand not really noticing symptoms until an older age e.g. age 12, though, too. It’s hard to remember childhood sometimes anyway.

Malimeeshk, you should see about getting analyzed. Sounds like you may be autistic.

 

[malimeeshk]

DadWith2AutisticSons,

The other thing that sucks is the domino effect. I haven't been evaluated yet but I'm pretty certain I have a mild form of Asperger's, but because I think have Asperger's, I also have anxiety. I've learned that I'm different and come off in an unusual way to people which gives me anxiety about interacting with people. But now that I essentially know I have Asperger's, I'm now aware in the present moment and wondering if they can tell, and if other people in my past knew but never said anything, etc. It's kind of a lot to handle/process and simultaneously freeing and heartbreaking. Sometimes I'll do Aspergers-like things and then feel bad about it. That could be due to watching a relationship/interaction crumble to pieces without being able to do anything about it because of unintentional awkwardness or certain comments or questions that come off the wrong way. Sometimes I can't focus on instructions because I'm being overloaded with social stimuli so I make what seem to be dumb mistakes but its really because during the time something was being explained to me, my brain was already at capacity trying to handle something else. For example, I literally got hired at a certain job in the past in large part due to my IQ score on the test they gave me. This was followed by months of struggling because my co-workers thought I was stupid so I was an outcast (in addition to being vegan, which none of them were and they disagreed with) and eventually let go, ironically at a time when I was thriving at the position.

 

[malimeeshk]

That all makes sense. As life becomes more complicated, we become “more” autistic. I definitely had the symptoms from a very young age, though. I’ve rocked since I was a baby, much preferred to play alone, and was always very serious and rigid and socially inept and had problems with speaking and listening. I can understand not really noticing symptoms until an older age e.g. age 12, though, too. It’s hard to remember childhood sometimes anyway.

Malimeeshk, you should see about getting analyzed. Sounds like you may be autistic.

I mean I guess I've had my fair share of "tics". Like I'll grind/clench my teeth without even thinking about it a decent amount (and definitely in my sleep). I'll fidget when I'm comfortable too or won't know how to gauge/follow eye contact.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Yes, I understand how frustrating that can be, as, if I understand correctly, before your suspected diagnosis, you were not likely thinking about behavioral things as much, when around others, as you feel you were just being more yourself and/or as you had yet to see yourself as having Aspergers or as many signs and symptoms before, so you worried less. So, now that you feel you have Aspergers, you maybe assume you were and are now coming across wrongly to people, and now you feel more pressure to hide any perceived flaws that you feel others could see you as having. So, although you now feel some peace of mind with a suspected diagnosis knowing why you acted and act certain ways, the anxiety has increased as now you are obsessing more about past and present interactions, and feeling more pressure to change some, to fit in or be more accepted, liked or appreciated.

For me, growing up, I always knew I was very different and I felt very inferior socially, and I came across as very shy and socially awkward to everyone in terms of gestures, posture, actions and inactions. So, even though I did not have any diagnoses then, not having such seemingly made no difference, and would have made no difference, as I still knew they were judging me badly and would for who I was, and as everyone saw the atypical signs and symptoms I had, and so any diagnosis would not have changed likely much how they treated me, in my eyes. In my case, bullying would have still likely occurred regardless, and they would have treated me as an inferior, regardless of diagnosis or no diagnosis. I would have put pressure on myself to try to act less shy or fit in regardless of diagnosis or not, as the social dysfunction is what I focused on. The fact I could not mask that severe shyness then increased my anxieties even more.

That reminds me a little of our Autistic children’s situation. Before they were diagnosed, we knew something was very amiss, because of their delays, behaviors and sensitivities. So, when they were each diagnosed with Autism, although there was relief as we had answers, there was much anxiety. The anxiety, however, was from thinking they could have those same and other difficulties now later in life, too, thinking some things they struggled with then could be more permanent. As caring parents, it is hard to think we could have no control over making some things easier for them. Soon after those diagnoses, we started to change our mindset, as to appreciate those differences, and to not care what society thought. So, in that regard, their diagnoses helped, as we focused on letting our children be more themselves. If others did not like them, accept or appreciate them, or judged us parents bad, we figured that was a reflection on their biases, ignorance or negativity, and we gravitated to the others instead.

Now that you feel you have Aspergers, whether you feel you now have a need to fit in, mask some things more, or in the opposite case, explain your situation more or allowing yourself to show yourself more, or show your signs and symptoms more, that is a personal choice. In my case, I admit, I focused on finding “some” self-help ways to worry less, think more positively, and to feel better about myself, and that helped me not let others and situations affect me adversely at any moment. I still am introverted and very shy and awkward in groups, but I am happy to avoid those as much as possible. I no longer obsess though about how I am being perceived from 1-1 contacts, otherwise, and I do not worry about mistakes or being like typical others. I focus on the positives of those interactions instead, and I can concentrate better, and explain myself better. I focus on being myself in the other ways, and not caring if they or others approve or not how I am, as I do not need them. I have just as much right to be mostly myself, as they do. I can also focus on other things in life to enjoy and put my energy towards, if others still do not understand or see the good in me.

I am sorry about your work situation, and I can see how working at a job with several to many employees could cause potential problems, if your focus was on them, your perceived suspected Aspergers, and how you felt you were acting and how they were treating you. I relate a lot there, as despite those improvements I talked about, I personally would have a hard time working near others due to lifelong anxiety near groups of persons, for longer duration. I am more comfortable
having 1-1 interactions, and being around positive, understanding and appreciative persons. For those who are able to, desiring of, or need to work, at some employment that contain many others, I am wishing you the best, and for you to find the right fit, if not already.

I know those who either feel, look or act different can be shunned or critiqued, or blamed at many work settings, and employees or staff can indeed focus on or gang up on such persons they see as different or less likely, willing or able to question things or fight back, when the source of the problem could be really elsewhere. I personally could not put up with any such daily annoyances or drama coming from others at work. After lots of soul searching, I knew I was the more independent and creative type. I had confidence in my abilities to find something to do mostly myself, and by myself. If certain others could not appreciate me, after all my efforts, I would either find others that could, or focus on appreciating myself, my abilities and my efforts even further. I have family and children now to help in that manner, too.