Self hatred - what do you want from me?

[Tempest]

For as long as I can remember I’ve struggled with self hatred. This is annoying but I’ve come to accept that there’s likely no way out of this and it’s just a part of who I am.

I feel like I don’t do anything in my life and I’m just completely useless. I judge this not on feelings but objectively based on how little I manage to do.

Over the last month I’ve tried to make this better. I’ve set a daily alarm that I have been waking up to and I’ve started studying a book in Linux which I’m over half way through now. This is better than not doing anything but for some reason I don’t feel any better for it. All I can think about is how slowly I’m studying because I should be able to do so much more and I also think about the more advanced topics that I should really be doing and how maybe if things were different I might have read topics even more advanced than those 15 years ago.

The other fear is constantly overshadowing me. I’ve been here before; I’ve set myself daily schedules and after a month they fall to pieces. I’m just over 3 weeks into this one and I’m just waiting for the whole thing to dissolve into nothing and I will be left with no idea why. It’s infuriating.

If I’m not working I should be doing indie programming and developing other skills like guitar. This is my inner script blasting me. It’s the voice of people who have insisted that there’s actually nothing wrong with me I’m just lazy. I want to do these things I just don’t have the energy.

I guess I’m not really making too much of a point here I’m just venting. I just have these really powerful feelings that I don’t understand and I don’t really understand why I can’t feel some pride in what I’ve learned so far. I think my self hatred has shown me that until I can get to that fully functional stage it’s going to forever scream at me. But even then I expect it will find new things.

I do see where the hatred is coming from though. I do at most one hours study a day quite often significantly less than that. I want to be able to do things 9 to 5 I mean that’s what most people manage. Why do I get to be so lazy?

Is this something that a lot of autistic people deal with or am I just broken? There’s got to be a healthier way of experiencing this surely?

 

[Fino]

You have a gap between expectations and reality. To be happy, one of them has to change.

Who the monkey cares "what most people manage"?

Who said you had to be "useful"?

 

[Wolfnox]

I relate to every word you said. I struggle with it even now. I cope by doing what i am able to. Somedays its just not possible to stay on rotinue. Keep building your skills and set goal points. It will help moveing forward.

 

[BraidedPony]

Look into executive function deficits, like task initiation.
I have it and just realized it a couple of months ago! Always thought i was lazy and useless, which starts a downward spiral of self hate that makes executive functions worse, adds to depression etc.
There are self help steps you can take to improve, but you have to adapt them for adults because they are written for children.

 

[Tempest]

I really want to change reality, my expectations aren’t anything too extreme like I say it’s what most people manage to do.

What most people achieve is a benchmark. I’m not even a facsimile. Am I really that much lesser?

If I’m not useful then why am I here? I don’t think that’s too much of a unusual goal. Autistic people can often go to university and hold down jobs right?

Maybe I do have some problems with initiation but can that also account for the self hatred?

 

[BraidedPony]

I beat myself up many millions of times for not being able to just start the simplest things...like take a shower, get dressed, make a phone call, pay a bill...
This is very hard on the self esteem.
And that isn't even taking into account the ridicule from significant others and their insults and anger. It has lead to physical violence along with the verbal abuse.

 

[Mia]

Self-hatred comes about from low self-esteem. It comes from all the things heard, said, understood, shouted, implied that we have internalized throughout our lives. Every put down, every comment, every whisper, every look. Often, even if we ignore something someone said many years ago, we have internalized it, and our subconscious recalls it and distresses us with it at the most inopportune time.

I was peeling an apple one day, and a voice I recognized from my childhood, shouted internally that I would cut my hand. It shocked me, as this sounded like the voice of a girl who made my life miserable for years. I did not cut my hand, I put the knife down for a minute and told this voice off. Then I finished peeling the apple and ate it.

It's called critical self-dialogue or negative inner dialogue. And many, many people experience it throughout their lives. It's something you have to counter against. Because the things we tell ourselves are sometimes statements that other people have said in criticism, and often are untrue. Not everything we think we think is valid or accurate.

So if you tell yourself you are lazy, consider the things you have already done that day, and counter the laziness accusation with a list of things you've done. And, sometimes people don't want to do anything, but relax or read or be on the computer. It's okay to take a day off from doing anything. If I compared myself to my mother or grandmother, who raised many children, worked all day, every day, until they were exhausted, then they would consider me lazy. But I'm not them, as I don't have to do the things they used to do.

So I think working on the negative inner dialogue might help you. It takes years to work on this, but it helps change your outlook.

7 Ways to Overcome the Toxic Self-Criticism That Robs You of Mental Strength

The Critical Inner Voice Explained

Internal monologue - Wikipedia

 

[SusanLR]

I beat myself up many millions of times for not being able to just start the simplest things...like take a shower, get dressed, make a phone call, pay a bill...
This is very hard on the self esteem.
And that isn't even taking into account the ridicule from significant others and their insults and anger. It has lead to physical violence along with the verbal abuse.

These are things I have difficulty getting done also.
It never used to cause feelings of self hatred or even worry about them when I lived at home.
But, now that I live with someone else it is always on my mind.
What will he think if I take a day to do nothing?
What if I don't want to do the things he wants at the time he wants?
What if I don't want to talk and just be quiet at times?

Well as BraidedPony posted: He gets mad, ridicules and insults.
And all the insults keep popping up in my mind so I am ever mindful of HIM and what he is thinking
or will say.
It has led to verbal abuse with me too.
I find myself pushing myself and over do which ends in Fibromyalgia flares just to prove to him
I'm not useless and lazy.

That's part of the reason I never wanted to be with someone else besides my parents.
I think anyone you live with has expectations and knowing that leads to stress and unable to
toally relax.

 

[Gracey]

Your expectations of self are likely extreme at the moment, hence the wobble? frustration?

Nothing you've mentioned is beyond the realms of possibility.

There's nothing "wrong" with you in the sense you own an intelligence to enable you to learn.

Perhaps it's your approach needs changing?

From what you describe,
there's a chasm between where you are right now,
and where you think you ought to be.

I'd agree with @Fino, one of those points needs to change in order to find an equilibrium.
(or forever be tossed about in the vitriolic tempest of self criticism)

You mention how your expectations aren't unreasonable because "It's what most people manage to do"

Your not 'most people'
You're Tempest

Maybe have another look at how self sabotaging and critical you are to yourself.

If your beliefs about your abilities and aims are ghostly remnants from growing up listening to negative comments directed at self,

s'about time you binned those tired, worn out messages and created some kinder ones of your very own?
you think?

 

[GadAbout]

I grew up in a never-good-enough home. My parents were high achievers and so were their parents. If I got grades like B+, no comment, but if I got straight A's, then praise. I felt like I could win a Nobel prize and it still wouldn't earn my father's respect.

I would not say I have a lot of self-hatred, but you do learn to discount your successes and notice your shortfalls when you grow up like this. And if that tendency continues, you will be miserable. You have to unlearn that point of view, and relearn a more supportive self-assessment. Like, what would it have meant to me if my parents frequently told me how proud they were of me?

 

[Tempest]

Thank you all for your kind replies. You have given me an awful lot to think about and I agree that I probably have executive dysfunction and a critical inner voice.

I don't really know what came over me that day, I ended up upsetting my girlfriend as well it was horrible. I wasn't really in control of what I was doing or saying and I just felt really powerful and painful emotions inside of me that I didn't really understand. It lasted about an hour but I managed to fall asleep afterwards.

I think it might have been linked to the fact that I was trying to make myself program Godot. I really really really want to get back into game programming but all my previous failures with it are making it a mountain I can't climb and because Godot is so new to me I don't really know the first thing about it and things aren't really working as I would expect them to. I need to read up on it but I'm currently studying something else and I think that the way my brain is if I start reading another book then I will obsess over that one so I think I really must finish this first one before moving on to one about Godot.

I'm still waiting for a diagnosis for asd and the whole "meltdown" concept is still kinda alien to me in that I can't really recall ever having one unless what happened the other day counts as one? It was horrible...but I think I've been there before many times.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Why would you have to do stuff from 9 to 5? Why do stuff at all? For other people? With my exceptional laziness it's impossible to get me to do anything that I don't want to do, why would I have to do things others want me to do anyway? And if your partner is being aggressive or bothering you about it then kick em to the curb. Maybe date one of my exes. They would work for 10 hours and after getting home, cook and clean. Not sure how I got one of those every time since it annoys me to no end. Actually ended up fighting with them over how they should let me cook and clean. One of them simply wouldn't eat anything I made, another went total psycho when she came home and I cleaned the apartment the first time. It was seriously annoying.

Humans weren't made for work anyway. We aren't ants or bees, we're lazy apes. A bit unfortunate that it's a bunch of lazy apes that developed the kind of intelligence to build skyscrapers.

 

[Nick12]

I WANT TO SAY NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF BE HAPPY I WISH YOU A VERRY VERRY VERRY VERRY VERRY HAPPY DAY