Saying,`Hi` as instructed!

[jane]

hello jane. nice to meet you =)

now, i've spent some time researching last night on withdrawl from alcohol because i remembered that it is one the most challenging addictions to quit; and it seems very much so. therefore i would like to express my respect that you chose to face that challenge - it must be very, very difficult. please take pride in fighting that tough fight, because tough fights take tough fighters. and aspies are the among best fighters of all.

as for my experience, i do not know if it is helpful to you. i may as well mention it, but i am of course speaking for myself only.

i do not have an addiction to alchohol now [i had to lesser degree in the past] but i have/have had addictions to other harmful substances and also such behaviours; i have and have had many bad and very bad times in my life; i'm glad i am alive, still - though i am very young. i have developed many kinds of compensation to keep me going, as for some years to keep going was the only priority; and it wasn't easy before that. i have brought from childhood a mechanism, for when i was ill, that has helped me much and still helps - as i faced many problems and little support. in short, i felt i was a total loser in life - it is single inferiority complex. i did not like that, but i was lacking the skill to participate as others did.
over time, i made myself be a hero in my own secret biography, i did not tell anybody. during those many times of crisis i imagined myself how i was looking back from the future to this present moment, and retold my heroic fight against these impossible odds, how well i managed and how it was distant memory by then. well.. i am rather imginative. it my sound childish, but it is not. it supported me and provided me with a little strength every day. i promised many times to myself that i was to proud to give up - and that one distant day i would win, i was sure of it. and i did [although i still have issues left].
the other thing that i have learnt much later - by therapy - is self-compassion and following that to forgive oneself, and that helped to take away the shame and guilt i felt for my existence. i noticed then very much, that i myself deprived myself from love and acceptance, since i felt a loser like me did not deserve it - which kept me on the floor. especially as i was stuck for years in a vicious circle of shaming myself for my shame, and feeling guilt for not being able to overcome my mental health issues and addictions. i experienced, that with many of my compensations of the harmful type it is self-shaming and self-blaming for compensating in such a way, that actually keeps one from stopping it. i know this is easily said...
last but not least i find sublimation very fulfilling - painting, drawing, writing, sculpture; or producing/making things; charity/helping others - whatever one enjoys and feels, that it is way to express ones feelings or needs. therefore i transformed many of my unfulfilled longings, much of my depression and fear into expressions of art, or text, or even furniture. in the case of art: one does not have to be artist - it is not a question of the quality in technique, but a question of the quality of expressing. i have found that keeping myself busy with such things in wich i see myself is a good way of 'keep going'.

 

[jane]

Wow bbc-bananasplit,but I want to call you Mr.Yellow.That,dear chap,was the coolest,cleverest composition of a reply to my introduction.Self compassion.It`s very,very new to me,for I too,loathed (still do mostly) myself for my addictions,mental health issues,shame,shame and more shame.I am working on it.Thanks a million.I`m quite out of words.`Keep going`.

 

[jane]

Hi, Jane. Welcome to the forums.

Thanks for the welcome

 

[Lady Penelope]

Welcome...I'm also in the process of a diagnosis.
I have never used alcohol to medicate but there was an incident a few months ago which I found extremely difficult to process and did have a drink, which resulted in me drinking more in the past 3 months than in the past 15 years. It was only a glass or two but it did feel like it was getting out of hand as it increased to a glass each day. I'm now seeing a psychologist and councellor to work through it and it's actually helping - despite my being anti-assistance my entire life.
When I was a teenager I cut myself and was worried I'd fall back into that, so for me drinking a bit was the better option at the time.

That you are in a program reveals you have strength and are courageous.
Relapses happen, don't be too hard on yourself. Changing a behaviour - especially one that makes you feel good - is going to be difficult.
Good for you that you keep going back and trying after a relapse.

 

[Optimus]

Hi Jane and welcome!
I was diagnosed with Asperger's only a few months ago, somewhat later in life (I'm 44), though I had suspected for a while. When I was younger I used to drink to excess to deal with life to the point of drinking alcoholically and being addicted to drink. I always felt socially awkward and fearful and have always felt that life is "difficult". This has included bouts of anxiety and depression. I too am in recovery and have been sober a while now. I didn't know about Asperger's when I was younger and drinking so cannot rightly say whether one is the cause of the other but the Asperger's diagnosis does goes some way to help explain why I might have sought solutions, solace or escape from life.
I hope you find this site friendly and useful (I have).

 

[jane]

Hi Jane and welcome!
I was diagnosed with Asperger's only a few months ago, somewhat later in life (I'm 44), though I had suspected for a while. When I was younger I used to drink to excess to deal with life to the point of drinking alcoholically and being addicted to drink. I always felt socially awkward and fearful and have always felt that life is "difficult". This has included bouts of anxiety and depression. I too am in recovery and have been sober a while now. I didn't know about Asperger's when I was younger and drinking so cannot rightly say whether one is the cause of the other but the Asperger's diagnosis does goes some way to help explain why I might have sought solutions, solace or escape from life.
I hope you find this site friendly and useful (I have).

Thanks Optimus,I`m kinda finding my way round and haven`t been spooked yet!

 

[Optimus]

That's good! So what were you looking for in terms of experience of addiction (in relation to Asperger's / Autism)?

I found recovery difficult for a while when I first started it. I was able to stop drinking (after a shaky start) and that was ok. However, that left me with me and I didn't like me and I didn't really know how to interact with others or how to deal with life. I came close to drinking again (the other option was more permanent) but luckily was able to get on the program and got some benefits from that process which worked for a while (and still does). However, I have still found some aspects of life difficult but I developed some sort of coping skills. More recent events have made things more difficult and made me more open to anxiety, stress and depression and I was not sure how to deal with them. Like I said the Asperger's diagnosis does help explain some if this (although obviously I am still where I am lol).

I don't know if that helps but if you would like to know anything or ask anything then please do...

 

[jane]

That's good! So what were you looking for in terms of experience of addiction (in relation to Asperger's / Autism)?

I found recovery difficult for a while when I first started it. I was able to stop drinking (after a shaky start) and that was ok. However, that left me with me and I didn't like me and I didn't really know how to interact with others or how to deal with life. I came close to drinking again (the other option was more permanent) but luckily was able to get on the program and got some benefits from that process which worked for a while (and still does). However, I have still found some aspects of life difficult but I developed some sort of coping skills. More recent events have made things more difficult and made me more open to anxiety, stress and depression and I was not sure how to deal with them. Like I said the Asperger's diagnosis does help explain some if this (although obviously I am still where I am lol).

I don't know if that helps but if you would like to know anything or ask anything then please do...

Thank you so much for your reply.Please could you explain more about `getting on the program` re.recovery?

 

[Optimus]

Sure. No problem. So I stopped drinking because I had to. I joined a 12 Step Fellowship and went to lots of meetings. But I didn't do much else, in terms of program or recovery, for about 3 years. Some things got better - I didn't have hangovers or blackouts and I woke up in my own bed rather than in some strange place, for example. Other things got worse though - Stress, fear, depression, life feeling complicated and difficult. I still had me, my negative thoughts, my low self esteem and my lack of some social skills. Bear in mind that I didn't have an Asperger's diagnosis at this point (nor really knew anything about Asperger's).

I got to a point where everything I was trying to do (by myself) was not working and I had ended up with but 2 options: A - Pick up a drink to escape my thoughts, feelings and confusion; B - Take my own life. I was actually quite calm about this and I think that's what scared me. So I asked someone to Sponsor me and take me through the program that 12 Step Fellowship offered. This person had come into the Fellowship about a year after me and used to be as mad as I was but then he had suddenly become a lot calmer and seemed to have things together). So I worked my through the 12 Step Program logically, following a laid out set of rules (which worked very well, maybe because as an Aspie the routine and logic seemed "right"): Finding out how my addiction manifested, being prepared to get help and make a decision to go through with the program, look at myself constructively, discuss it with my sponsor, find out what elements of my personality were liabilities and work out how to alter behaviours involving these, making restitution to people I had harmed when I was drinking and then continuing to look at myself and my behaviours and endeavour to grow. Beyond this, with what I have learned, I have tried to help others looking for help.

This routine worked fairly well for a number of years, although I still had confusion, low self esteem, fear, anxiety and bouts of depression. More recently though some events happened in my life: My mother died fairly suddenly; my father was taken seriously ill and looked like he would die (he did recover thankfully); I had a friend lodging at my house rent free for far too long and I had problems dealing with that because I didn't know the rights and wrongs of that situation. I also started getting problems with a colleague at work and didn't know my rights in that situation either (ironically I'm pretty sure he is on the spectrum too). I started self harming (cutting) because I didn't know how to deal with things. I ended up back in a place about 12 months ago where I sought counselling and through one thing and another was referred to a medical counsellor for low mood. Through those discussions they referred me for Asperger's assessment. I also got to a point during counselling where I contemplated suicide again. I agreed to go on Anti-Depressants at this point (Sertraline, (Xanax?)). I had resisted going onto Anti-Depressants all through my sobriety as I had looked on them as mood altering and I didn't want to take anything mood altering. However, I see plenty of attenders of the Fellowship smoking outside meetings and that is certainly mood altering (I know, I used to smoke). The ADs have helped. I don't feel off my face or out my head or stoned or anything, just a little less low and hopeless. I guess I have a serotonin deficiency so it's no different really to a diabetic and insulin in that regard. So the counselling has gotten me to a point where my head is just about above water again and the Asperger's assessment, although not changing anything on the day to day (I am still me, I still do what I do and I still feel what I feel), has helped in understanding why I am the way I am.

I still go the Fellowship and still aim to help people but I am reassessing a lot in the light of my more recent meltdowns and subsequent Asperger's diagnosis.

I don't know if that helps or if that is what you were meaning.

 

[jane]

Sure. No problem. So I stopped drinking because I had to. I joined a 12 Step Fellowship and went to lots of meetings. But I didn't do much else, in terms of program or recovery, for about 3 years. Some things got better - I didn't have hangovers or blackouts and I woke up in my own bed rather than in some strange place, for example. Other things got worse though - Stress, fear, depression, life feeling complicated and difficult. I still had me, my negative thoughts, my low self esteem and my lack of some social skills. Bear in mind that I didn't have an Asperger's diagnosis at this point (nor really knew anything about Asperger's).

I got to a point where everything I was trying to do (by myself) was not working and I had ended up with but 2 options: A - Pick up a drink to escape my thoughts, feelings and confusion; B - Take my own life. I was actually quite calm about this and I think that's what scared me. So I asked someone to Sponsor me and take me through the program that 12 Step Fellowship offered. This person had come into the Fellowship about a year after me and used to be as mad as I was but then he had suddenly become a lot calmer and seemed to have things together). So I worked my through the 12 Step Program logically, following a laid out set of rules (which worked very well, maybe because as an Aspie the routine and logic seemed "right"): Finding out how my addiction manifested, being prepared to get help and make a decision to go through with the program, look at myself constructively, discuss it with my sponsor, find out what elements of my personality were liabilities and work out how to alter behaviours involving these, making restitution to people I had harmed when I was drinking and then continuing to look at myself and my behaviours and endeavour to grow. Beyond this, with what I have learned, I have tried to help others looking for help.

This routine worked fairly well for a number of years, although I still had confusion, low self esteem, fear, anxiety and bouts of depression. More recently though some events happened in my life: My mother died fairly suddenly; my father was taken seriously ill and looked like he would die (he did recover thankfully); I had a friend lodging at my house rent free for far too long and I had problems dealing with that because I didn't know the rights and wrongs of that situation. I also started getting problems with a colleague at work and didn't know my rights in that situation either (ironically I'm pretty sure he is on the spectrum too). I started self harming (cutting) because I didn't know how to deal with things. I ended up back in a place about 12 months ago where I sought counselling and through one thing and another was referred to a medical counsellor for low mood. Through those discussions they referred me for Asperger's assessment. I also got to a point during counselling where I contemplated suicide again. I agreed to go on Anti-Depressants at this point (Sertraline, (Xanax?)). I had resisted going onto Anti-Depressants all through my sobriety as I had looked on them as mood altering and I didn't want to take anything mood altering. However, I see plenty of attenders of the Fellowship smoking outside meetings and that is certainly mood altering (I know, I used to smoke). The ADs have helped. I don't feel off my face or out my head or stoned or anything, just a little less low and hopeless. I guess I have a serotonin deficiency so it's no different really to a diabetic and insulin in that regard. So the counselling has gotten me to a point where my head is just about above water again and the Asperger's assessment, although not changing anything on the day to day (I am still me, I still do what I do and I still feel what I feel), has helped in understanding why I am the way I am.

I still go the Fellowship and still aim to help people but I am reassessing a lot in the light of my more recent meltdowns and subsequent Asperger's diagnosis.

I don't know if that helps or if that is what you were meaning.

Thank you,Optimus,for taking the time to write your reply,it has really helped me in many ways.I too am working the 12 step programme,have been going to meetings regularly for 20 months,but have picked up a drink in desperation a dozen times,always regretting it,losing control ,but going straight back and sharing honestly about my `slips`. i now have a sponsor who I get along very well with (she is a bit crazy too) and am working on step 4 (scary!) because I,like you,am prepared to work through a recovery programme logically,step by step to understand myself more,my behaviour etc..and eventually make ammends. In addition,I like the formality of the meetings and I like the fellowship.Getting used to speaking,listening,socialising...all skills I didn`t seem to have or just struggled with before I went.
However,I am still me.Taking Prozac still (fluoxetine 40 mg a day)Doubled the dose a year ago,but honestly not made much progress with my mental health in the interim.Still waiting to be diagnosed.Still suffering chronic bouts of anxiety and depression,in fact I am currently signed off work.(had a stress related shutdown again)Maybe Prozac is not for me.I don`t know-I sometimes wish I had a double taking a placebo,so I could gauge the effect.
I was at a point with drinking alcohol that I was so ashamed of myself I started self-harming (cutting and not eating) and contemplated suicide to escape the mental anguish.Now i want to live and instead of craving escape through alcohol,I crave peace of mind.
The Fellowship has supported me and I aim to stay sober one day at a time,in fact it is my priority.I really hope life gets easier for you.My dad died suddenly,21 years ago.My mother is still alive.Well done for seeking professional help when you needed it.I looked at SSRI tablets as a serotonin top up-nothing wrong with that,but personally,I`m re-viewing the dose as I get real tired with morning head fog.
Best wishes and thanks so much again-this is the first time I have been in contact with someone from the fellowship also on the spectrum.Wonderful.Look after yourself.

 

[jane]

Welcome...I'm also in the process of a diagnosis.
I have never used alcohol to medicate but there was an incident a few months ago which I found extremely difficult to process and did have a drink, which resulted in me drinking more in the past 3 months than in the past 15 years. It was only a glass or two but it did feel like it was getting out of hand as it increased to a glass each day. I'm now seeing a psychologist and councellor to work through it and it's actually helping - despite my being anti-assistance my entire life.
When I was a teenager I cut myself and was worried I'd fall back into that, so for me drinking a bit was the better option at the time.

That you are in a program reveals you have strength and are courageous.
Relapses happen, don't be too hard on yourself. Changing a behaviour - especially one that makes you feel good - is going to be difficult.
Good for you that you keep going back and trying after a relapse.

Many,many thanks.`I have strength and am courageous` I like that.An affirmation.All the best.

 

[Danny 74]

Stumbled across this online community by chance and I`m glad I did.Tired and sick from yet another bout of `out of control` drinking,I`m staying in bed.Really interesting that there`s so much to read and relate to and frankly,I`m bored by Netflix box sets.I am waiting for a late diagnosis.My GP is arranging it,out of area,with NHS funding.(I think he is sick of treating me for anxiety and depression)A self-diagnosed Aspienwoman,I have,for many years, used alcohol to `self-medicate` and am now in recovery.Recovery that`s included plenty of relapses in the last 20 months.Hearing from anyone on the spectrum who can share their experiences of recovery/rehab/addiction would be a great help.Thanks.

 

[Danny 74]

Hi jane x know where you are coming from with the self medicating x ive done it. Its a bloody knightmare . stay strong

 

[Optimus]

No probs Jane. Hang in there. Step 4 was scary as it was the unknown for me. First time I had looked at myself in that way. I was worried I wouldn't be able to handle it. I didn't really have any thing to lose by doing it, given where I was. I thought I would be upset or down when faced with the truth about myself. However, for me, it was quite freeing. It's like I was always trying to do good, always trying to get from A to B but I was in a snowstorm with no compass. By doing the 4 and 5 (to get another's perspective) it was like the wind stopped blowing and the clouds lifted. I still wasn't at B but could now see how I could start heading in that direction...

Great that you been attending for 20 months and yhat you have perservered despite slips.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

 

[jane]

 

[jane]

Hi jane x know where you are coming from with the self medicating x ive done it. Its a bloody knightmare . stay strong

Hey Danny 74,thanks for that.It`s a nasty,rotten,warped cycle I don`t wish to return to.Planning to eat spinach three times a week to gain strength.

 

[Danny 74]

Hey Danny 74,thanks for that.It`s a nasty,rotten,warped cycle I don`t wish to return to.Planning to eat spinach three times a week to gain strength.

Eat plenty of fruit and cerial x and drink cold water i find it shocks the system and flushes out the badness x stay strong x