Realy lost

[Bro'Freak]

Hi,
I'm writing this because i'm realy lost. Just as of late I've had the world ripped out
from under me. Last friday I had two bad bits of news that's left me feeling incredibly
unstable.

The first thing was finding out my girlfriend was now my Ex & she's going on a juant
across England, aiming to got to Amsterdam. The England/Amsterdam trip had been
thought about by us for quite a few months. The thing that was holding up any
deffinate ground work on planning & doing the trip was my not having found my Birth
Certificate. Now due to tensions & meltdowns on my parteners side, plus my volunteer
work & keeping the dole happy ( IE- Disstractions) I hadn't actually got the ball rolling
with the certificates replacement. On Friday I found out my ex was in England only a
few hours after I'd left her home. She also added that the police were looking for her
as she was a missing person & that I should have known she was going ( implying an
earlier text was sent, which it wasn't ). I was deeply shocked & hurt. It wasn't the first
time she'd done something unfair the last was denying me a replacement TV & a
relationship because I taken too long to move everything around in my flat. The real
kicker here is her taking her ex who's been lurking around her with text messages for
as long as i've known her. +8 months.

The second is a rather large utility bill that has resulted in a collection agency finding
me at my new address. I knew it was coming at some point. I guess this bit is
deffinately conected to some wonky bit in my head. I've went through a couple of
tough relationships a few years back at the property this bill is from. I knew i couldn't
hide from the debt, I just had a mental freeze if i thought about it. I think looking back
at the time i was suffering from a kind of PTSD. A girlfriend had tried to kill herself in
my flat when we split & when we got back together after treatment & +6 months my
house mate tried to cut his wrists whilst I was out for a night with her. I found his note
& blood the next morning but not him. Cut forward 3hours after driving around the
local coast with a policeman & we get notice he's safe in the hospital. Heavy times.
But this bill..., it realy was a problem all along. I wanted to offload about it to my
girlfriend, but I worried that if i did she'd leave me. It was an awfull situation, the
longer I left it the worse it'd be. Scared I was.

I now find myself feeling like i have no foundation or strength. To carry on seems to
much & I sense a great pull of apathy/boredom about the future. I can't seem to get a
job, i'm barely surviving on the dole. I hate existing under the constant threat of being
sanctioned, which means going without benefits for 2 weeks, then onto a low rate of
payment for up to 3 years.

I also am filled with regret with my actions after I'd found out what the ex was doing.
I lost the plot & sent some harsh text messages to her. For example I suggested that
she'd got a brain full of flukes from doing questionable acts with an animal. I just felt
soo used after all the love & work i'd put into the relationship. I felt pride for once in
my life with her & now i'd lost i lashed out at my own feelings to her, ruining any hint
of future contact like we'd had; demonising to justify moving on etc. This is all showing
me something about myself having a messed up executive function regarding authority
& my own authorities ability to stay ontop of important matters, to see them through &
out of the way. It's like when I know I need to do something before the deadline I just
can face it, do it. Or just cop out.. ( not the case with the TV & flat )

 

[Myway]

What are you lost about? Everything you stated is just part of life.

 

[Suzanne]

I know exactly how you feel, because I have been there too many times for my liking! A complete and utter sensation of sinking fast; wishing to go back to being a child and not have such responsibility, but feeling like a child in an adult world.

But first, we talk about your situation and I feel that above all else, the main threat is this bill you owe. Is there not someone you can talk to, to help you with paying this bill back? Someone who can organize repayments from you dole money?

Basically, I think that is what you NEED to concentrate on right now; how to pay that bill and from there, your overwhelming feeling will release its hold on you.

You also get into toxic relationships and too trusting, which means people easily take advantage of you!

When you sort this bill out ( for you must), then what you need to do, is put money aside, especially for paying bills and become very aware of consuming electricity etc and paying bills AS SOON AS THEY ARRIVE.

I am not sure if you are American and so, I do apologise if I assume here, but here is a link that will guide you in the right direction to pay your bill. http://www.debtreliefcenter.org/Gra...it=1&p_acc=1&p_cre=1272576&p_gkey=26870734423

For me: I live in France ( but come from England) and have felt overwhelmed for many years. I try so hard to just go along with the flow, by reality is one of my names and so, it hit fast that how dependent I am to my husband. What if something happened to him? I cannot drive; chronic social anxiety; can just about speak a bit of French; do not have any money - all of which put me in such panic that I would escape into my own world for relief. Oh I tried to talk to my husband about it, but he is the one who just flows with the tide and so, refused to see my point.

Well, we have now moved and yet that feeling still is hanging over me. I had the chance, recently to drive and absolutely amazed me with how comfortable I feel driving. In France, they have cars that do not need a license due to the speed of the vehicle. If I was in England, I could easily pass the highway code, but it is a whole different ball game in France.

Basically, like this utility bill you own, I felt helpless in case I was one of those who could not drive. But now I know I CAN drive and it opens up SO MANY DOORS FOR ME. As suspected, when in a car, I lose my social anxiety. Being safe on the road is more important that angry drivers at me or me being stared at etc and I feel so FREE. I suspect that is how you will feel once you are on the route of paying back that bill!

Now, I have to persuade my husband to see that these cars are worth it and that, it will benefit him hugely if I drove.

You need to off load this bill!

 

[Bro'Freak]

You're soo right. I got it sorted out by the end of the day after that above post.
I recieved help from the following charity http://www.stepchange.org/

Thanks, things are much better now.

 

[Bro'Freak]

Though even with the debt sorted out I am realy struggling dealing with loosing my Ex.
I wonder through the memories of the last +8 months, I see the great times & I see the bad times.
I can in vivid detail see & feel my mistakes as they racked up an intolerable weight against her heart.
It is with even deeper pain I grimace as my heart is pulled down into an invisible black hole near my
stomach. Shreded by the sharp hands of my guilt onto the baren wasteland that once held our love.
I can honestly say that I never loved anyone so, in times gone by I've been in love or so I thought.
But this girl I loved, with whom I felt whole, cared for with purpose has gone, driven away by my
ineptitude & finally my venom.

It's now I see how my waryness of her medication made her hide her usage, only recently was I
coming round to the idea that she was okay on them. But that was too late like many other things
I've learned. I wonder how we'd be, given more time & understanding, at any of those past moments
if we weren't in such a rush. But going in circles isn't going to help me. Also I feel my guilt would
force me to shy away from her if she gave a compassionate hand.
For I feel I relly f__k_d up & the feeling of guilt/imbaressment is killing me.

Love is a wonderous thing, please look after that beautiful flower.

“A dream you once were,
A dream of all my realities,
A dream I can no long strive for
In the wake of my manly betayals”
― C. Elizabeth, Absolute Obsession
http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/16278013
"And I saw that all my life I had known that this was going to happen,
and that I'd been afraid for a long time.
There's fear, of course, with everybody.
But now it had grown,
it had grown gigantic;
it filled me and it filled the whole world.
― Jean rhys, Voyage in the Dark