Questions about Aspie/NT in beginning of relationships

[Beachbunn]

I would like to get feedback from Aspies who have been in relationships with NT’s (I am NT). If at first you felt the NT was your “soul mate” or your special interest and thought you could possibly have a long term relationship with this person, how long did it take for the “honeymoon” period to wear off? If you concealed (?) Aspie traits in the beginning of the relationship (i.e. rigid thinking, stimming, strict opinions, lack of empathy, dislike of crowds, aversion to sex) in an effort to impress your NT partner, what is the longest amount of time that you were able to keep the traits hidden (if you were trying to conceal them in the first place)? And how did this affect the relationship with your partner once these things came out in the open? I hope I don’t offend anyone with my description of traits – these are just some of the characteristics that I have noticed in my interaction with Aspies.

 

[ovpt]

my relationship was good for about 10 years with some typical rough spots before that my wife blew off as random behavior. then as life stresses grew and responsibility grew, my hfa traits became more prominent and our difficulties increased. i wasnt trying to conceal my traits as i am newly diagnosed but my compensation abilities lessened with stress. now my wife has a difficult time accepting the hfa traits since i they were not that strong in our initial dating even though obviously there upon retrospect.

of course there is a huge variety of hfa traits and abilities to compensate. that in connection with nt's awareness and understanding is what will eventual show a relationship to be positive.

hope that helps and best of luck

 

[Beachbunn]

my relationship was good for about 10 years with some typical rough spots before that my wife blew off as random behavior. then as life stresses grew and responsibility grew, my hfa traits became more prominent and our difficulties increased. i wasnt trying to conceal my traits as i am newly diagnosed but my compensation abilities lessened with stress. now my wife has a difficult time accepting the hfa traits since i they were not that strong in our initial dating even though obviously there upon retrospect.

of course there is a huge variety of hfa traits and abilities to compensate. that in connection with nt's awareness and understanding is what will eventual show a relationship to be positive.

hope that helps and best of luck

Thanks for your response! That does help!

 

[angie78]

That helps me too. My relationship was fine and then wasn't. We now know why and can sort things between us and communication is a lot better. It's nice to know I'm not alone. I'm the NT, and I wouldn't be without him traits and all. Thank you xx

 

[Judge]

For myself I didn't even suspect I was on the spectrum of autism until I was in my mid fifties. Yet looking back on my life and how I interacted with others, I was masking my traits and behaviors early in my adult life. I just didn't have any names or adjectives for what- or why I was doing it. And doing as such depended on the situation and how comfortable- or not I was with the people I was interacting with at the time.

In a nutshell though, the whole process of masking myself to varying degrees has always remained an intensely "draining" process. One I usually could only keep up for a matter of hours. Not days, weeks or months.

So in the case of all my failed relationships with Neurotypical females, in most cases I didn't attempt to mask myself much at all in that situation. In hindsight I think most of them initially found some of my traits and behaviors as endearing and unique compared to all the other guys they usually encountered. Of course the endearment factor would eventually wear off, and my inability to explain or truly understand myself would eventually catch up, all to my detriment. This amounted to weeks, months or years depending on the relationship. Reflecting that Neurotypicals as individuals also have their own unique amount of patience and tolerance for behavior they don't understand or cannot relate to.

I suppose in the case of my various manifestations of OCD, most of them took it as a benign form of superstitious and bizarre behavior given that it didn't seem to profoundly impact my intimate relationships compared to being on the spectrum.

 

[ovpt]

it comes down to understanding. unfortunately, my nt wife cannot understand and/or incorporate the nfa differences into our relationship. if a partner can completely understand the non-typical responses and behaviors without being judgemental than everything should be good. i conjecture if she could accept certain behaviours and not try/expect me to change then things could have worked out. i wonder if it is if she accepts my hfa then things will get better but if she denies it then things will be more like her thinking world

 

[Rayner]

I'm 18 years and have an ASD. My girlfriend is a NT, her name is Kelly and she is 19. I've never have really tried to hide my autistic traits, because I have never really had the need to conceal my autistic traits. Kelly has known about my autism even before we became a couple.The way I see things it seem like a bad idea to conceal one's autistic traits for two reasons. The first being that for majority of us on the spectrum concealing our traits causes stress and is very exhausting.The second is that in keeping our inner autistic selves hidden it would be somewhat decieving to the other person in the relationship.

I would like to get feedback from Aspies who have been in relationships with NT’s (I am NT). If at first you felt the NT was your “soul mate” or your special interest and thought you could possibly have a long term relationship with this person, how long did it take for the “honeymoon” period to wear off? If you concealed (?) Aspie traits in the beginning of the relationship (i.e. rigid thinking, stimming, strict opinions, lack of empathy, dislike of crowds, aversion to sex) in an effort to impress your NT partner, what is the longest amount of time that you were able to keep the traits hidden (if you were trying to conceal them in the first place)? And how did this affect the relationship with your partner once these things came out in the open? I hope I don’t offend anyone with my description of traits – these are just some of the characteristics that I have noticed in my interaction with Aspies.

 

[Chris34]

First of all, very good idea for a thread, congrats for that OP!

Now, I'm texting, skyping this girl from Ukraine who is very pretty, she's very fun and has a good attitude in general. I haven't talked to her about my Asperger, because I don't want her to freak out or get any misconception (sorry for writing, English is not my first language). I plan to tell her in the future if things go well. It's a part of me of course, I cannot hide that from her, that wouldn't be very honest from me. I've always had trouble talking to women, since I was a teenager. But her is another story, she's just perfect. I'm taking my chances with her. We live many miles away from each other but I will be seeing her for Christmas this year, so that's a good thing.

Though, I would say in my own experience as an Aspie, if I felt attracted to someone (at work, school, etc), I never found the way to approach her. I'm just too nervous or anxious that I cannot form concise sentences or ideas, I just become useless and afraid of them. That's why at my 24 years of age, I've never had a relationship and this girl from Ukraine seems that she might change that. I'm afraid to screw up with her, afraid of not finding someone as perfect as she is, and also afraid of realizing that maybe I'm just useless for this subject.

Anyway, if there is a fellow Aspie who went through or is going through something similar, you're not alone

 

[Loomis]

I was married to an NT for over 20 years. I never tried to hide my aspie nature because I had no clue I was aspie. Our marriage was great for 10 years before slowly deteriorating. I believe the cause of the decline was the birth of our aspie son about 5 years into the marriage. The stress of raising an aspie child was highly stressful. My aspie son has a very difficult time navigating the world. He is 20 now and I fear he will never be independent.