Please release me from this friendship...

[Aspychata]

So back story: met her in workout class. We chatted. l thought she was daring and authentic. She is on the spectrum.

l have known her for 1.5 years probably. Helped her move. Called 911 in another state for her.

Today she discussed details of things l didn't wish to hear. A poor life choice that no matter what, she can't walk away from. l am tired of trying to convince her it's time to get serious about your life. Apply yourself, do something, anything. It's not getting through. I am throwing in the towel. Out of privacy concerns l choose not to divulge her poor choice.

Has anybody else walked away from a connection because you felt it was pointless? I still feel bad, because of many different reasons but l can't support her duplicity.

Am l obligated to tell her why we are no longer friends? l feel her choices are extremely unsafe and unhealthy. She already knows this about me. Would you contact her or just not talk to her anymore?

 

[Misery]

Yes, I would contact her, were it me in this situation.

I've always felt that if someone I know does something bloody stupid, well... their mistake. It doesnt change how I feel about them, because why would it? They're still the same person I've always known.

Dont get me wrong: I wouldnt just sit back and roll with it. Chances are, I'd yell alot, if it was something bad enough. I'm not at all subtle about it. Frankly, I can be outright nasty about it. One line I've used before goes something like this: "If you dont do (or stop doing) X, I'll proceed to make your life miserable. Not only as miserable as you can imagine it, but as miserable as *I* can imagine it". I forget where I got that line from but it makes my thoughts and intentions on the whole thing VERY clear. Sometimes, you gotta get harsh. Being someone's friend doesnt mean always being polite and calm. But to me, it DOES mean not giving up. I'd expect my friends to do the same if I'd done something idiotic.

Now, this also all depends on what the situation is. You use this line: "it's time to get serious about your life. Apply yourself, do something, anything." Could have all sorts of meanings. I've had people use that line on me, simply because I do not work. Rather petty. I've explained on this very forum why I dont work some damn job, and the reasons arent stupid. If anyone tried to judge me on that or threaten to not be a friend because of it, boy would I lose respect for them fast. Yet still, I wouldnt give up.

Now, if the problem is something like, say... doing drugs, bad stuff like that, THAT is more of an issue. That's where the harsh stuff comes into play. Absolutely would rat them out if it came to that, anything to keep them from destroying themselves with that crap. One way or another, I would find a way to take control and stop them.

One other thing to perhaps keep in mind though: You say she is on the spectrum. Remember one major facet of that: those on the spectrum tend to be incredibly stubborn and very resistant to change. It's inherent to the "condition". You CAN get through probably, but only if you keep hammering away at it and attempt different solutions. Chances are, simply talking at someone like that wont do the trick. You've seen THAT on this very forum, how that tends to simply not work.

There, that's my thoughts on the subject. As best I can, anyway. It's hard to comment on this sort of thing when specifics arent involved.

 

[Aspychata]

Yes, I would contact her, were it me in this situation.

I've always felt that if someone I know does something bloody stupid, well... their mistake. It doesnt change how I feel about them, because why would it? They're still the same person I've always known.

Dont get me wrong: I wouldnt just sit back and roll with it. Chances are, I'd yell alot, if it was something bad enough. I'm not at all subtle about it. Frankly, I can be outright nasty about it. One line I've used before goes something like this: "If you dont do (or stop doing) X, I'll proceed to make your life miserable. Not only as miserable as you can imagine it, but as miserable as *I* can imagine it". I forget where I got that line from but it makes my thoughts and intentions on the whole thing VERY clear. Sometimes, you gotta get harsh. Being someone's friend doesnt mean always being polite and calm. But to me, it DOES mean not giving up. I'd expect my friends to do the same if I'd done something idiotic.

Now, this also all depends on what the situation is. You use this line: "it's time to get serious about your life. Apply yourself, do something, anything." Could have all sorts of meanings. I've had people use that line on me, simply because I do not work. Rather petty. I've explained on this very forum why I dont work some damn job, and the reasons arent stupid. If anyone tried to judge me on that or threaten to not be a friend because of it, boy would I lose respect for them fast. Yet still, I wouldnt give up.

Now, if the problem is something like, say... doing drugs, bad stuff like that, THAT is more of an issue. That's where the harsh stuff comes into play. Absolutely would rat them out if it came to that, anything to keep them from destroying themselves with that crap. One way or another, I would find a way to take control and stop them.

One other thing to perhaps keep in mind though: You say she is on the spectrum. Remember one major facet of that: those on the spectrum tend to be incredibly stubborn and very resistant to change. It's inherent to the "condition". You CAN get through probably, but only if you keep hammering away at it and attempt different solutions. Chances are, simply talking at someone like that wont do the trick. You've seen THAT on this very forum, how that tends to simply not work.

There, that's my thoughts on the subject. As best I can, anyway. It's hard to comment on this sort of thing when specifics arent involved.

Thanks Misery
I have been working with her for awhile. l called 911 because of one of her poor choices. l was worried l would never see her again. She continues in her lifestyle and l am afraid she will end up dead, that is how unsafe this life choice is.

I feel l need to walk away. She says l saved her life twice and now it's time for me to move on. l can't do anything more. She knows l disagree with her choice but now l feel she is going to choose this lifestyle now that she had a lifesaving operation. l need to exit. This choice is dangerous for many different reasons. She almost was kidnapped awhile back.

 

[GadAbout]

I have walked away from a friend whose behavior was over-the-top. She committed suicide a few months later. I felt bad about it, but not responsible (she had attempted it many times before).

She was fond of telling me something shocking followed by "you can't tell anyone I told you this." I finally told her that she could not divulge any more suicide attempts to me without my telling anyone; it was too much burden to place on me.

 

[Aspychata]

GadAbout
That is pretty sad. l understand this, she was close to it but had a lifesaving operation. That's the problem, it's a horrible burden, l suffered about 3 weeks back because she was struggling everyday, and when it finally passed, l was emotionally depleted. Missed one day of work because l was slammed with this and had to rebound. l have decided no new friends.

 

[Mia]

I've distanced myself from only two girlfriends. One because she wouldn't stop lying about her drug use, she kept destroying her life over and over and over. I picked her up twice and helped her without even knowing about the drug use. Job, apartment, got her into school as a mature student, which in canada is virtually free at college level. She still messed it up, lost everything. Second time she showed up in the middle of the night looking for a place to stay. She stayed for three months, eventually moved out and got her own place. She disappeared again, for several years. Have very minimal contact with her. And the last time I saw her was in the city, for a coffee. Didn't tell her that I didn't want to see her again, as it's likely I never will.

Another girlfriend who became involved with someone who was extremely possessive. I knew the guy, she moved in with him. I warned her that he was too possessive. They had a honeymoon period and then the destruction began. She showed up at my place within a month, with her cat and all her belongings packed in her car to say goodbye. Never saw her again, but she's out there somewhere. The guy came by and walked thought my entire house looking for her while I was out, he climbed in through a window a neighbor told me, the neighbor didn't call the police because he knew him. He waited outside for a week watching the house from a distance. Were not in contact, but I seriously doubt any friendship can survive this. She tends to burn all bridges behind her, and then bolt.

 

[GadAbout]

GadAbout
That is pretty sad. l understand this, she was close to it but had a lifesaving operation. That's the problem, it's a horrible burden, l suffered about 3 weeks back because she was struggling everyday, and when it finally passed, l was emotionally depleted. Missed one day of work because l was slammed with this and had to rebound. l have decided no new friends.

Oh, please don't stick to that. How about no needy co-dependent emotional vampire friends? Just human friends.

 

[Metalhead]

Sever the ties and feel no shame, because her problems are not yours and if she is refusing to build herself up, she will only bring you down.

I severed ties with a narcissistic person who always used her mental health diagnoses as a an excuse for atrocious behavior which included literal stalking. I simply left a note on her door telling her than any further contact with me would result in a restraining order against her. She tried calling me once after that, and I deleted the voicemail without listening to it. I saw her stalking around me from a distance a couple of weeks after that, but after she realized I was no longer going to acknowledge her existence, she eventually gave up and I have not seen her since.

It was a great feeling, because I was tired of bailing her out of her bad financial decisions all of the time - she was stalking me and trying to push all of my other friends away from me just so she could keep getting some of my SSDI dollars going her way.

TLDR - The point is ditching toxic people will make you feel less toxic, and people who expect you to be a guardian angel who will always bail them out of their bad decision are referred to with words I cannot speak on these forums. You are not selfish for taking care of your sanity - they are selfish for demanding you sacrifice your sanity on their altar.

 

[Bolletje]

When I want to get rid of a friend I usually just stop contacting them and hope they get the message. Doesn’t always work though.
I’m a bit of a wuss when it comes to ending friendships. Although with my best friend I’ve felt like ending our friendship a few times but in the end I’m glad we didn’t.

 

[paloftoon]

Well, since she was a friend before, you should let her know 1-1 directly that you don't feel comfortable with her life choices and that it affects you and your friendship. Wish her well, but tell her you want nothing to do with her anymore verbatim. If you fear your physical safety, text or e-mail instead.

Don't ghost because that only encourages her behavior more. People who ghost represents dishonesty from the person ghosting even though they may really mean they just don't want to engage in conflict.

 

[Judge]

I have few personal "laws" in my life. However your thread reminds of two important ones.

1) Never let anyone put you on the spot.
2) Discard anyone who is a "high maintenance personality" from your social orbit. It's entirely your choice alone to keep such people around to tax your well-being.

Of the very few people I have had to "ghost" in my life, is it a surprise that they didn't make any effort to even inquire as to why I abruptly cut off communication with such people? - No. Deep down I suspect such people know when they have exhausted the goodwill of another.

 

[Aspychata]

These are all good points, it reminds to take better care of my friends and let go of taxing situtations involving toxic people.

 

[Aspychata]

Well, since she was a friend before, you should let her know 1-1 directly that you don't feel comfortable with her life choices and that it affects you and your friendship. Wish her well, but tell her you want nothing to do with her anymore verbatim. If you fear your physical safety, text or e-mail instead.

Don't ghost because that only encourages her behavior more. People who ghost represents dishonesty from the person ghosting even though they may really mean they just don't want to engage in conflict.

She already knows l disagree with these choices. This isn't the first time we split as friends. But deep down inside, she knows l tried to be a friend. And she understands l feel.

 

[Juliettaa]

@Aspychata - your title 'please release me from this friendship'

It's absolutely fine for you to give yourself permission to end the friendship and not feel any guilt around your reasons why.

Friendships are a choice. In order for the friendship to work, there must be mutual respect. Your friend has overstepped your boundaries therefore she is not respecting you.

While you are there for her, bailing her out of whatever situation she finds herself in, she has no motivation for change as she knows you'll be there.

But you don't have to be. It's fine to say 'no more, you are a drain on my resources, goodbye'

Once you do this, I guarantee you will feel better

With regard to how you end the friendship is personal choice. I am not a fan of ghosting but I do understand that some circumstances warrant it and only you can gauge how this friend may react to you ending the friendship with an explanation and whether ghosting would be more appropriate.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Pats]

I wonder if the people who do these things realize how much pain and torment they are putting on the person(s) they call. If you decide not to keep in touch with her - she already knows why.

 

[Metalhead]

I wonder if the people who do these things realize how much pain and torment they are putting on the person(s) they call. If you decide not to keep in touch with her - she already knows why.

Those people see others as extensions of themselves. They see friends as commodities instead of as actual human beings, to be used and eventually disposed of. They probably don’t care about the stress they cause others since they see the whole world as revolving around themselves.

 

[paloftoon]

She already knows l disagree with these choices. This isn't the first time we split as friends. But deep down inside, she knows l tried to be a friend. And she understands l feel.

I guess in this case, since you know that she knows, I guess you could ghost her. I don't think you should ghost her still.
You should stick to your guns and really mean it. Otherwise, your words are empty for breaking off the friendship. No back and forth. Every time you choose to get back together, there should be a discussion of why you stopped being friends and what can both of you try to do to keep the friendship going strong the next time around. Otherwise, it will be more like a bad friendship where you are (overly) co-dependent on each other's existence because you don't have others or the familiarity with others to hang with them.

It doesn't have to be permanent, but I think a good time gap is in order. You can tell her something like don't contact each other for a whole year. If you happen to see each other, either ignore each other or just say "hi" to each other and absolutely nothing else.
I would suggest having a plan beforehand of what you would do in various scenarios. Like, if she tries to break the plan, then you should just ghost her during that time period.

Sometimes, time heals wounds.

 

[Aspychata]

@Aspychata - your title 'please release me from this friendship'

It's absolutely fine for you to give yourself permission to end the friendship and not feel any guilt around your reasons why.

Friendships are a choice. In order for the friendship to work, there must be mutual respect. Your friend has overstepped your boundaries therefore she is not respecting you.

While you are there for her, bailing her out of whatever situation she finds herself in, she has no motivation for change as she knows you'll be there.

But you don't have to be. It's fine to say 'no more, you are a drain on my resources, goodbye'

Once you do this, I guarantee you will feel better

With regard to how you end the friendship is personal choice. I am not a fan of ghosting but I do understand that some circumstances warrant it and only you can gauge how this friend may react to you ending the friendship with an explanation and whether ghosting would be more appropriate.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Very thoughtful post Juliettaa
She was extremely insecure and has heard a lot of negative messages her whole life. So l spent some time in trying to help her undetstand her internal CD that she listens to over and over, that she isn't smart, isn't attractive and whatever. We made some huge headway and l feel she values herself a little more. But she is in total denial about being on the spectrum.

Thanks, l have given myself permission to move on!! But l like reading other people's take on how they have handle relationships that turn toxic at some point.

And l am realising that l worry too much , her choice is extremely dangerous, and this is what she choses to do. l don't need the stress of wondering if she has been arrested or her body has been found somewhere. l worry too much.

I like to follow rules, and l think her take on life is dangerous.

 

[lateundiagnosed]

great topic, main reason i avoid people. i try to be understanding to someone and i seem to be their savior the next thing i know, for real!, i think it has to do with i have a very vulnerable type personality.

 

[Juliettaa]

Very thoughtful post Juliettaa
She was extremely insecure and has heard a lot of negative messages her whole life. So l spent some time in trying to help her undetstand her internal CD that she listens to over and over, that she isn't smart, isn't attractive and whatever. We made some huge headway and l feel she values herself a little more. But she is in total denial about being on the spectrum.

Thanks, l have given myself permission to move on!! But l like reading other people's take on how they have handle relationships that turn toxic at some point.

And l am realising that l worry too much , her choice is extremely dangerous, and this is what she choses to do. l don't need the stress of wondering if she has been arrested or her body has been found somewhere. l worry too much.

I like to follow rules, and l think her take on life is dangerous.

With this particular relationship, you seem to be in 'rescuer' mode.

Take a look at the Karpman triangle, see if you recognise your role.

The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor - What It Is and How to Get Out. - Linda Graham