Persona Non Grata

[stewdog80]

I have a family that doesn't understand autism. They have an idealized, distorted view of reality.

What am I supposed to do when my brother gets married? or when my father gets into town? What do I say to them?

I don't want to be a part of any family function from now on. How do I say I don't want to be at family functions in a nice way?

 

[tree]

What have you tried so far?

How well did it work?

What would you say that would be ideally explanatory, in your opinion?

What prevents you from telling them what is underlined in your first post?

 

[All-Rounder]

You could try sitting them all down and telling them 'im wired differently and I can't handle events, so respectfully I have decided its not a good idea for me to attend future family events namedly: weddings, arrivals, particularly people gatherings that aren't for casual purposes'. Please consider messaging each member of your family such an in-depth explanation if you're not generally having success with making them understand, and take time to answer questions if they're sincere.

The 'wiring' thing worked best when my bf kept repeating it to me, I was stunned like hypnotized and understood everything much better by just that one word.

 

[Mia]

I've managed to get around those occasions for years by finding out the date of the function. Then telling them that I'll let them know. Usually I've planned a vacation, or cannot afford to come, had to work too many hours, had exams, didn't trust that my old car would make it, had previous commitments. You get the idea I think.

 

[Fino]

Your first two sentences describe most of everyone.

Why do you not ever want to see your family?

 

[stewdog80]

I've managed to get around those occasions for years by finding out the date of the function. Then telling them that I'll let them know. Usually I've planned a vacation, or cannot afford to come, had to work too many hours, had exams, didn't trust that my old car would make it, had previous commitments. You get the idea I think.

Sure, yeah I understand. This is what I will probably end up doing. Just tell them some BS about I'm busy or something.

 

[stewdog80]

Your first two sentences describe most of everyone.

Why do you not ever want to see your family?

I don't want to see them because they were giving me a hard time when I was doing well in life. I can't imagine what they would say now that I have failed miserably.

 

[Mia]

I can't imagine what they would say now that I have failed miserably.

Just let me say something here, failure is a good teacher. I've failed at things in life and discovered things that I never would have if I hadn't. Also have been in a similar situation to yours, where I didn't want to see my supposed successful siblings.

They indicated for many years how successful they were, yet in many ways they were not. Each of my siblings with the exception of one, have several failed marriages on their rosters. Almost all of them are alcoholics, most are in a great deal of debt even as they near retirement.

I encountered some pretty interesting people along the way, put myself through school. No matter how many times my family called me a loser, I've ended up in better shape financially and psychologically than they have.

In the end, my husband and I are happy, content, and get along well. So there's something to be said for intelligence and making/having certain choices in your life. You haven't failed, comparing yourself to others as an individual is not an even playing field. There's so much more there inside, that you need to consider. You are rarely what they think you are, some of the time family gets it wrong.

 

[Fino]

You have a right to do what you want and what you need to do to be happy. If that's what you feel is best, simply tell them that you're not okay with how they treat you and therefore will not be seeing them anymore. No compromise, over and out, enjoy life, done.

 

[Juliettaa]

I've managed to get around those occasions for years by finding out the date of the function. Then telling them that I'll let them know. Usually I've planned a vacation, or cannot afford to come, had to work too many hours, had exams, didn't trust that my old car would make it, had previous commitments. You get the idea I think.

@Mia - I read this and was like 'WOW, kudos to this woman because I so cannot do this!!!'

I watch other people, a lot, and see ease in that type of communication, but I just cannot do it. I see it as lying and me trotting out a reason why I can't go just wouldn't flow as my brain would be screaming 'lies, lies, lies'.

Mr J can do it with complete ease so when necessary, I utilise his skill in this area.

ps - please don't think I'm calling you a liar @Mia. I'm in awe of your skill and perhaps a little envious as my inability to replace the truth 'I don't want to come to your event' with a more reasonable 'oh, what a shame I can't come, I'll be on holiday' has got me into so much trouble and still continues to do so!

 

[Gracey]

I've turned up to gatherings and left early.
Would that work?


The thing about comparing yourself with others; to gauge success or failure, all would have to begin at the same point and go through the same trials and tribulation for it to be a fair contest.
Give accurate results.

Is it compulsory that you're to attend these family gatherings?

 

[SusanLR]

I've managed to get around those occasions for years by finding out the date of the function. Then telling them that I'll let them know. Usually I've planned a vacation, or cannot afford to come, had to work too many hours, had exams, didn't trust that my old car would make it, had previous commitments. You get the idea I think.

I've made it through life this way.
I didn't feel guilty about using this method.
The only thing that I felt badly about was it reminds me I wish I could attend social functions
and be comfortable.

 

[Mia]

ps - please don't think I'm calling you a liar @Mia. I'm in awe of your skill and perhaps a little envious as my inability to replace the truth 'I don't want to come to your event' with a more reasonable 'oh, what a shame I can't come, I'll be on holiday' has got me into so much trouble and still continues to do so!

I think Juliettaa that the biggest part of this, was that these were all things that actually happened to me. My car would break down or wouldn't actually start, used to work every year at a tax company during their busy season and wouldn't go home during holidays like thanksgiving. All of these things actually happened. I had paid for a vacation when one of my siblings picked a date for her second marriage during that vacation.

When I told them the truth, things such a I can't afford to come to your third wedding because my car needs new brakes, they thought I was lying. So I began to realize that it didn't matter what I told them, nor how true it was. It was their character assassination of me, that led me to stop caring about what they thought. That's when I began to fabricate excuses, because it didn't matter anymore. I could never change their perception of who I am.

 

[Pats]

It's your right to do what you want. I will tell you that your family WILL be insulted. But that's okay. You can keep making excuses all the time which is going to be wearisome and the family will start seeing through them, or you can be up front with them and tell them it's nothing personal but you're very stressed under those circumstances and uncomfortable and choose to not be part of it.
I was trying to tell my sister in a nice way that I am uncomfortable in other people's homes - including family and I was choosing to not go to their homes any more (they all live out of town and you have to stay a night or two, at least). She was understanding that I felt uncomfortable in my other siblings homes, and she said, "But you're comfortable at my home, right?" I said, "No." She was shocked, insulted, etc, but got over it and she'll still try to get me to come, but it's easier to say no since I don't have to make up excuses or explain the reason any more. I just say "No, I don't think so". Or when she invites me to join her and my other sister on a trip I quickly respond, "Can't leave the dog". She knows I'm not coming.

 

[Fino]

it's nothing personal

Not to be argumentative, but I'm pretty sure it's only personal! Unless you're just advising him to say that anyway and I missed it.

 

[Pats]

Not to be argumentative, but I'm pretty sure it's only personal! Unless you just advising him to say that anyway and I missed it.

Actually, it was how I explained to my sister - nothing personal, just not comfortable in anyone else's home other than mine. But I guess, sometimes it IS personal - those times when I just don't want to be around them.

 

[Fade2black]

I've always hated family functions from the time I was a kid. Everyone is fake, only talking about how great they are. My sister is the worst of all of them when it comes to being fake and I literally wanted to vomit when she would start yapping about herself. I used to make jokes that my sister is great and say, you don't have to beleive me, just ask her. Nobody was ever bad to me, I simply just couldn't be around them, even if they were family and it was just once a year.

I just stopped going. I mean like, I became a ghost and didn't respond to requests or phone calls. After the first missed function, I took some heat for it. After the second time, not as much. After the third or fourth time, they didn't bother me anymore. I think the last time I went to any family function was around 1986. It's been so long, I wouldn't even recognize my cousins, aunts or uncles if I ran into them on the street. Looking back, I made the right choice and I don't miss any of them.

 

[Bronzelincolns]

do you usually cave in and go to whatever social event they have or have you always opted out of these things.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

Are your family that horrible? Or was it just a memory of the past? Haven't they changed for better maybe nowadays..? Just curious

 

[stewdog80]

My grandfather on my dad's side worked in admissions for some university. He thought he was better than other people. The woman he remarried after my grandma died wrote plays about Lord Byron that actually ran in theaters. They observed french customs at home even though they spent minimal time in france. There was only one bag of sweets in the whole house and they kept it on a high, high shelf in the shadows so no one would see it. My Aunt actually went to Harvard. In that family, which I completely wash my hands of, unless you went to some stupid university you are lesser human being. These people are completely delusional.